Tag Archives: Healthy Habits

A New Year

05 Friday Jan 2018

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I know I have been extremely slack in writing. This will be no surprise to anyone who was followed or known me for any length of time. I have a history of writing faithfully for bursts of time, followed by not writing for a length of time, only to pick it up and start again. On and on the cycle goes.

The main reason for this is that there are many, many, many things I want to write about that involve other people and I am not quite ready to put the stories that include other people (even if I withhold names) out there just yet. But, that doesn’t mean the writing isn’t happening. I still have to go through the process of writing about what’s in my mind. I just can’t share it yet.

These stories invade my mind and I still have to allow myself the time to go through them and let the stories work themselves out before I can move on to something else.

This often includes a process of revisiting the past and sometimes even reaching-out to a long, lost, friend or just trying to come to terms with how an old relationship ended.

There has been a lot of this for me in the past 6 months as our move back home has brought-up many memories and experiences with which I still needed to process and come to terms.

I have also become a full-time university student, via distance ed., working towards a degree. This has been a dream of mine ever since I left High School, when depression and anxiety held me back from being able to attend university. It has been something I had always missed-out on and, being someone who loves school and loves to learn, had always dreamed I would be able to do.

Now I’m doing it and it feels great!

I am also continually improving my health and nutrition and constantly striving to treat myself well.

I feel great.

2018 is going to be a good year.

259 Time to Focus on Me Again

18 Sunday Jun 2017

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Now that I’ve moved and we are more settled in, it’s time to try and start focusing on the weight loss again. 
I’ve done fairly well at maintaining, around, a 5lbs range of what I weighed when we left Toronto.
But, I’m slowly drifting further and further away from that number. I was around 245 when I left Toronto and I’ve been lingering around 249 the past week.
Time to get serious and start focusing on that number going down again.
But, this has become much more complicated than it was before. Instead of living with 2 other people with whom I had to coordinate meal-times/foods, I now live with 4 other people.
When in Toronto, I had my diet sorted 5 days/week and was working really hard to bring the weekends into line as well.
On weekdays I would have water & homemade mocha and a green smoothie in the morning; a salad or grilled chicken and veggies for lunch and eggs and toast for dinner. This worked great for me and I was happy with it for those 5 days.
Since being here, I eat eggs in the morning, try to make something healthy for lunch, dinner can be almost anything and we go-through Tim Horton’s or McDonald’s several times/week. Top this off with the fact that I’m more physically active and getting lots of fresh air which makes me hungry all the time…and it’s bad news.
The other night while having dinner with the family I had a sort of revelation: I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to eat what I need to in order to take care of myself.
I don’t have to feel bad or guilty if I don’t eat food that has been prepared, especially if I let my Mom know in advance what I would be eating.
I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself.
This is a huge and difficult lesson for someone like me who always feels it is my responsibility to take-care of others and ensure that they are happy. 
I am going to make my goal to stay within my calories at least 3 days this week. I will communicate clearly so that I don’t have to feel guilty about hurting feelings or offending anyone.
I am moving weight loss higher-up on my list of priorities again now that things have settled down a bit.
It’s ok to put other people and their needs first for a time, when it’s necessary, but I’m important too.
And, now it’s my time.

250.4 My Life in Lbs

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

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I am getting excitingly close to leaving the 50’s and entering the 40’s.

I decided to take a look at my weight loss to date and figured-out that I am getting close to a 50 lb landmark.

It depends on which number I choose to look at, which is complicated a bit by the pregnancy/birth of my son.

Here’s my chart from Lose It:

Chart

 

My son was born October 17, 2013 and while still pregnant I had last weighed-in at 315 lbs.

After he was born, I got down to 283.5 on November 14th, 2013, but as you can see it went up from there for a while.

There’s a weird spike to 295 on March 25, 2014, but since there’s a previous mark that is 292.6 on January 2, 2014, I choose to pick an average there of 293 and just say that on January 1, 2014 I was 293 lbs.

With that little explanation, here’s a quick synopsis:

Jan. 1, 2014  (293 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) = 13 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) = 4 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) to Aug. 10, 2016 (250.4 lbs) = 25.6 lbs lost

Total lbs lost = 42.6

Getting so close to 50 lbs down.

I love this graph because it reflects a journey that hasn’t been easy, but I look it and see that I have never given-up. I look at it and I see hard work, perseverance, lessons learned, changes made, struggles, victories, tears of joy, tears of shame and, most beautifully, the creation and birth of my son.

To look at this chart is to see my life-the spikes represent times when life was difficult, dark times when I struggled to get out of bed in the morning and to eat anything other than toast, chips, chocolate and cookies. You can see times when the clouds seem to have parted and I go ‘great guns’ and drop a bit, only to rebound and hit another spike.

But, the general trend has been downwards and recently, the trend is pretty impressive. I have, clearly, learned a lot through my journey.

This morning I am feeling encouraged. I feel strengthened and validated in my pursuit of health.
I am not perfect. But, when I look at my life in lbs, I see a warrior who refuses to be defeated and is constantly honing her skills as she levels up and prepares to, once and for all, take down the big boss.

251.4 I’ll Have a Diet Pepsi, Please

08 Monday Aug 2016

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I did it! Ha.

Below the 252 mark. And, this was after going-through my cycle-slumps. I am excited because I see so much progress in my mindset and my capability to get-through the rough patches with less damage to my health and well-being.

I have entered another 4 week challenge. This time there is $$ involved, so a little extra incentive to meet my goals.

Having said that, after 1 week of having “Pop” as my bad habit I was trying to break, I have decided to switch to another bad habit. If I did fail and have a pop I  found myself saying “well, I’ve already lost the points, I may as well drink as much pop as possible to make it worth my while”.

Not helpful.

This way, if I decide to have a pop on a Friday evening as a treat at the end of the week, I can just have one and will not have to ‘make it worthwhile’ by drinking a lot more than I would have without that mentality of making the loss of points worth it.

Diet pop.

Ugh. It’s totally my arch nemesis.

Some of you may be wondering why I make such a big deal out of it. I mean, it’s not like I even drink it every day. Even if I did, it was just one can/day. So, what’s the big deal?

3 things:

  • It really seems to kill my gut
  • There are certain foods I like to eat with the pop. I don’t like drinking pop on its own. To me, it goes with certain things. Thinking about it right now, I would LOVE to sit down with 4 pieces of toast and a nice, cold, diet pop. Toast with marg&Nutella, toast with marg&Jam, Toast with marg&honey and either toast with pb&j or toast with just marg…That’s a lot of calories to consume just to enjoy a pop.
  • The artificial sweetener, etc. in pop makes me crave more sweets. Sugar consumption breeds sugar consumption and since artificial sweeteners not only taste sweeter than refined sugar, but have added chemicals that cause reactions in the brain, they breed even MORE sugar cravings. What starts off as an innocent diet pop craving once, leads to one/day, leads to a couple plus a small bag of chips, which leads to a few more, a big bag of chips and a bag of aero bubbles…..you get the picture.

I want to become a person who does not drink pop at all. Full stop.

If I declare, here and now, to the world that I don’t drink pop, do you think it will stick?

Can the random, weirdness, of the internet keep me accountable to never again consuming pop?

Is that an unrealistic goal at this point?

It can be tough to know which ‘demons’ to work on at any given time. I have found that the best way to do this is to really listen to my instincts and trust myself.

And, if I’ve learned anything, it is that the very fact that I’m asking those questions is a signal that I’m just not ready to make that much of a commitment to ditch the soda.

Because, at the end of the day, I am doing a great job and taking that 100% away feels like a punishment right now. When I make the decision, I want it to come from a positive place of empowerment, not weakness, just like all the other changes that have stuck have been. I think that’s why they have been successful.

So, I’ll have a Diet Pepsi, please.

 

At the moment I’m focusing on the following:

Exercise Daily: 7 minute workout, 10, 0000 steps, and either: extra walk, yoga/stretch or stair climbing

3 Servs Veggies/Day

3L water/daily

@ least 10 minutes of meditation time before bed. This can be writing, reading, yoga, stretching, playing guitar, walking…anything that makes me slow down, unplug and breathe.

Sticking to my calorie goals

And decreasing negativity.

257 And Feeling Fantastic

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

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257 is a number I never wanted to see on my scale again. And yet, there it was. 2 mornings in the past 4 days. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t bother me at all, because I am disappointed.

But, it’s just disappointment.

I am not feeling guilty, ashamed, regretful or down on myself. I’m not calling myself names and moaning about how I failed again, etc.

Instead, my reaction has been: “Ok, that happened. Yes, it sucks. Move on.”

I feel fantastic. I feel even stronger and more prepared to avoid the pitfalls in the future. I’ve been exercising daily and back on a healthy eating track. I am aware that I need to keep an eye-out for warning signs that I am pushing myself too hard, too fast. I have, once again, increased my veggie/fruit intake and am increasing healthy proteins.

I went through one menstrual cycle without a major crash. I had increased my protein intake leading-up to, during and for a short time after menstruation to ensure that my energy had a bit of a boost. I also doubled my iron supplements during the bleeding time. I was so glad when I didn’t go into the same crash as before.

It’s exciting to me to see all the ways I have grown, the lessons I have learned that seem to be helping me develop a truly, holistic, long-lasting lifestyle that will allow me to really keep it up so that I can, not only, continue to lose weight, but will be able to maintain the loss.

Part of the journey has been allowing myself to make mistakes without beating myself up about it. Embracing failure has really revolutionized my weight loss.

I evaluate the times I’ve slipped by asking myself questions like these:

What were the warning signs?
What could I have done differently to set myself up to make a better decision?
When did I first realize that I was doing something that wasn’t the best for me?
Why didn’t I stop it at that stage?
What could I do to empower myself to stop and refocus on something healthy?
What do I need to do to prepare for the next time this happens?
What are some tools I can have ready to go so that when I see it approaching, I will be able to, easily, grab what I need to avoid the pitfall?

Yes, I’m 257 again, but I’m smarter, more aware, stronger, more prepared and truly am feeling fantastic about the path that lies before me.

 

258 Bye bye, Baby – Baby, bye bye.

05 Sunday Jun 2016

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I’m excited to say that I am now, officially, the lightest I’ve been since T was born. It feels great. 

Let me clarify. It’s 2.5 years later, I know it’s not “baby” weight. But, it is ‘baby’ weight. After T was born, I struggled and because I was finding everything so difficult, I told myself that I could eat whatever I “needed” to in order to survive the days. 

For weeks in a row, I’d eat mostly peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, toast and chips. Comfort food. And, so, while it wasn’t, technically, the baby weight, it was weight I gained because I had a baby. Also, because of the c-section (after I had gone through labor), my body was incredibly weak with my core having been, literally, cut open. 

Now I can say, the baby weight is all gone.

But, more importantly, that mentality is gone (or, at least is well on its way out). I no longer tell myself that I “deserve” food for any reason. That’s not what food is for. Food is for sustenance-it is fuel. Yes, it is enjoyable as well, but I have been teaching myself to keep its primary purpose at the forefront.

When I’m thinking about eating something, what it has to offer me from a nutriotional standpoint is an important factor in the decision. I have been realizing how much eating healthy foods really does make me feel better (I know…big shocker, right?). So, why would I have a chocolate bar, when I could have an apple that, not only tastes great, but will leave me feeling better. 

I have also been working on dropping the ‘spousal comparison game’. Perhaps you know this one…the commentary that constantly streams in your head that says things like: I am always the one who…I did it last time, why should I?…I wish I could just lie around…and on and on. This approach is living life constantly looking at what’s going on in the lane beside me instead of living my own life. I have been trying to focus on my own lane.

While I have been focusing on losing weight in 5 lbs increments, I am excited that I only have 6 lbs to go until I will be the lightest I have been since I first started tracking my weight on LoseIt in December 2012.

That will be a landmark moment for me and I cannot wait to turn that corner.

253, here I come!

Mind Over Matter

30 Monday May 2016

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I had been feeling really crummy about myself for over a week. I felt bloated and uncomfortable. It seemed like, just over night, all the hard work and positive feelings I had experienced were just gone. But, the past few days I have started to return to normal.

I saw a picture of myself, that my husband took yesterday while we were out at my son’s soccer practice, and could tell that I have lost weight. Also, my clothes are still fitting comfortably.

This is a win. I have been telling myself all the way through this miserable patch that, despite how I was feeling, I had made strides in the right direction, I had lost weight, I was looking better, clothes were fitting better and I was able to move with less pain. And, while telling myself these things did not take away the crummy feelings, it helped keep my head in the game. I was able to get through to myself with facts. ‘I know it doesn’t feel like it to you, but it’s fact because of a), b) and c).’

A group of nerdy girls I belong to on FB is doing a “Healthy Habit Challenge” again starting on Wednesday. I’ve done this before with them and it has been great to have the encouragement and support and be part of a fun community.

I’m really excited to just keep going on this journey. I’ve just been through a stormy patch and will write a bit more about it and my experiences as I go along. But, I wanted to say that the promise I had made to myself, to not allow myself to be so blinded that I can’t see improvement, has been paying-off. It meant I didn’t completely lose hope when I really wasn’t feeling it. This ultimate truth of ‘you are better than you were a month ago’ fortified me and held me steady, like an anchor.

I did get tossed-around a bit and ate more chocolate and carbs than I should have. I did go over my calorie budget for the last 2 weeks. BUT, it was nowhere near as bad as it has been in the past, and I did continue to make good choices. I even ordered a salad while out running errands on Saturday instead of looking towards the French fries!

This is a huge win for me. I had this whole conversation with myself while looking at the menu. It went something like this:

Me: But, we don’t go out very often. It’s a special treat. Surely, I deserve something yummy and “treat-like”.

Other Me: You DESERVE foods that will make you feel worse, ultimately, and make you fatter?

M: Well, I deserve to be able to eat something and enjoy myself.

OM: But, you ENJOY salad. Why can’t that be your special treat?

M: Because, I love French fries. I want French fries!!!

OM: But, French fries don’t love you back. They make you worse. They make you feel sad and gross.

M: Well…I guess that’s true. But, they taste so good at the time!

OM: You have said, numerous times over the past couple of months, when you’ve had a ‘treat’ how you didn’t really enjoy it and while eating wished that you had eaten an apple or salad instead. Well, here’s your chance to get it right the first time!

M: there is definite truth and logic to that.

OM: All the nutrients that will be in your salad, and how clean and fresh you will feel afterwards, compared to how you feel after French fries (which also don’t offer very much nutrition to you).

M: So, not only will I feel better after eating, I will also have the added bonus of knowing that my body is going to be more happy and healthy as well (even if I don’t even know all of the ways!).

OM: Exactly.

M: Sold! “I’ll have a salad, please!”

And I ate. And I was satisfied.

I’m glad I hadn’t ordered anything more. It would have been way too heavy. As it was, I only ate a small portion of the salad.

Mind over matter. The small victories I’ve been gaining for months are really starting to pay-off in the bigger battle of the bulge.

Lovin’ it.

262 You’re Never Fully Dressed…

18 Wednesday May 2016

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I thought losing weight was supposed to make life easier. I’ve lost 13 lbs since I started this blog post and I am feeling great.  But, I’m finding it even more difficult to get dressed in the morning. Nothing seems to fit right, feel good or look great anymore.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look a lot worse than I did before. I have had to actively engage my mind in these moments to stop body-shaming itself and be reminded that, even though I may not feel it at the moment, I am thinner than I was a few months ago.

Back in 2008-09 I lost a bunch of weight. But, I didn’t really realize how well I had done and how fit/healthy I was. No one really acknowledged it. People were telling my husband all the time how much weight he had lost and how good he was looking. But, no one really said anything to me. And so, the reality of what I had accomplished never really set-in.

Fast-forward 5 years and I am looking at pictures of that time and find myself saying: “Holy crap! I looked amazing back then. Look how thin I was!”

But, I never really realized it at the time. In my mind I was still a huge, fat, frumpy, monster. I would be embarrassed when I saw pictures of myself BACK THEN because I thought I looked disgusting. 50 lbs heavier and I am extremely camera-shy. I reserve the right to “approve” all photos of me before my husband dare post them on Facebook. Yet, when I was 50 lbs lighter I still felt this way about myself. Something was definitely wrong with my thinking. This was a huge revelation to me. I didn’t realize how great I looked. Despite all the work I had put in and the obvious results, I didn’t see it.

Years later, as I looked at those pictures, getting slightly angry at myself for how hard I was on myself back then, I was determined to never let that happen again and I made 2 promises to myself:

  • I would get back to that weight.
  • I would make sure I realized it.

Perhaps that’s part of why I write this blog. I refuse to allow myself to do the hard work and not give myself due credit. I do not want to lose 5, 10, 20, 30, etc. lbs and yet still feel like crap because I haven’t realized how much I have accomplished and the fact that I do look better.

So, when I have weeks like I’ve been having when I try on different shirts, pants, skirts, fail to find anything that looks good and feels comfortable, and my mind automatically goes to that negative place of: ‘oh, your so fat. Look at that- it’s disgusting…’ and all the rest of the negativity and personal body-shaming that has existed in my head for most of my life, I have to stop myself.

Stop.

You are doing great.

You have made huge lifestyle changes.

You are beautiful.

You are losing weight and feeling great.

You are making a difference.

Despite how it looks and feels at the moment, it is better than it was.

You will make and have already made great progress.

Keep it up.

So, despite the fact that my pants and underwear fall down making me uncomfortable and I have lost weight in one area which seems to have just made it pop-out in another area, I remind myself that I am heading in the right direction.

My body is going to look and feel differently throughout this process.

The most important thing is to love it where it is, encourage myself that we are on the right track, understand that there will be adjustments, remind myself of my progress, keep my chin up and try to approach things with grace and patience.

 

265 (Apr. 27) 267.3 (Apr. 28) Pizza, Art and Fran’s

28 Thursday Apr 2016

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I had pizza for dinner on Tuesday night from Papa John’s. Grilled Chicken, bacon, roma tomatoes and five-cheese. It was so delicious and I had 4 slices.

I stepped on the scale on Wednesday morning and was surprised to see 265-My goal weight!

However, I knew that the pizza hadn’t quite caught up with me, so kept my excitement at bay. Also, I knew that I had planned on having lunch with my husband before heading to the AGO to check-out some art.

We went to Fran’s, one of our favourite joints for lunch. If you live in Toronto, you will probably know about Fran’s. I ordered a “Big Breakfast” knowing that I had pizza last night and probably should have been “taking it easy” on the food-front…sausage, bacon, eggs, toast, home fries and pancakes! [sarcasm]

I ate 2 sausages, 1 bacon, a few bites of toast and eggs, all the home fries and both pancakes. I really love their home fries.

We spent the entire afternoon walking, but I guess fairly low-key, as my steps and calories didn’t seem to burn-out that quickly, despite the fact that I did.

Looking at art is amazing, but it’s actually very tiring as well. When I first arrived I was very teary and everything was making me cry. By the end, everything just started to look the same. This is when I knew it was time to leave, but not before finding the Renoir. I love Renoir. He is my favourite artist of all time.

When we finally made it home, after picking-up our son, I was utterly exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I warmed-up 2 leftover pieces of pizza for dinner and shared them with my son.

This morning when I stepped on the scale, my weight was back up to 267.3. Damn.

The temptation to feel disappointed in myself and go on a bender looms overhead. But, I know better now. There is no need for me to be disappointed. I am doing an incredible job and, I’m just going to keep going.

An important change of thinking for me is to not look at these meals as “mistakes” or with the mentality that I now have to “starve” or “be good” to make up for it, but to just treat them as any other meal. Like a normal person. I don’t have to feel guilty about choosing to have pizza one night instead of eggs and toast.

This is life. I made good choices in the midst of it all. I could have eaten more pizza than I did, but I stopped myself. I could have kept all the pizza for myself, but I shared it with my husband and child and I could have eaten my entire “big breakfast” despite feeling full/satisfied instead of stopping when I felt I had eaten enough.

265 is within reach and I will get there again. More important than that number, I tried some of my “summer” clothes on that I couldn’t fit a couple of months ago, and they fit comfortably now. And, even more important than the clothes, I am feeling good. I feel my body and I can tell there have been positive changes.

I’m still inspired to keep working on these life-long changes and am determined to work on things in little increments so that the changes will be long-lasting and truly transform my approach to food, health, weight loss and nutrition.

When I’m Tired

27 Sunday Mar 2016

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When I’m tired I totally reach for the carbs. Salty, crunchy chips, chocolate and the sharp, cutting edge of a diet soda.

This is something I really want to work on. I actually plan ahead when I know a tiring time is coming. I make sure we have chips, chocolate and pop in the house. I want to find some alternatives to reaching for these ‘old friends’ for these times.

This past week I have had a bowl of cereal in the evening which, I know is still not great, but is a lot better than the alternative. BBQ Rice crisps are also good.

I did try to load my plate with more veggies during meal times recently and am especially happy because my family visited us this weekend and cooked the most amazing green beans I have ever had. I have no idea why I loved them so much, as I’ve never really enjoyed green beans before, and they didn’t do anything special to them. But, it has inspired me to buy and cook more of these. They really made me happy.

I am also determined to do a short workout before bed tonight.

Being healthy is tough when tired. And I’m tired most of the time. I am learning that I have to start preparing for these times. I mean, if I could think-ahead and prepare by gathering unhealthy stuff for the times when I know I’m going to be tired, I can do it with healthy things too, right?

And, on that note, time to log-off and go do something healthy before bed.