Tag Archives: Goals

A New Year

05 Friday Jan 2018

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I know I have been extremely slack in writing. This will be no surprise to anyone who was followed or known me for any length of time. I have a history of writing faithfully for bursts of time, followed by not writing for a length of time, only to pick it up and start again. On and on the cycle goes.

The main reason for this is that there are many, many, many things I want to write about that involve other people and I am not quite ready to put the stories that include other people (even if I withhold names) out there just yet. But, that doesn’t mean the writing isn’t happening. I still have to go through the process of writing about what’s in my mind. I just can’t share it yet.

These stories invade my mind and I still have to allow myself the time to go through them and let the stories work themselves out before I can move on to something else.

This often includes a process of revisiting the past and sometimes even reaching-out to a long, lost, friend or just trying to come to terms with how an old relationship ended.

There has been a lot of this for me in the past 6 months as our move back home has brought-up many memories and experiences with which I still needed to process and come to terms.

I have also become a full-time university student, via distance ed., working towards a degree. This has been a dream of mine ever since I left High School, when depression and anxiety held me back from being able to attend university. It has been something I had always missed-out on and, being someone who loves school and loves to learn, had always dreamed I would be able to do.

Now I’m doing it and it feels great!

I am also continually improving my health and nutrition and constantly striving to treat myself well.

I feel great.

2018 is going to be a good year.

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259 Time to Focus on Me Again

18 Sunday Jun 2017

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Now that I’ve moved and we are more settled in, it’s time to try and start focusing on the weight loss again. 
I’ve done fairly well at maintaining, around, a 5lbs range of what I weighed when we left Toronto.
But, I’m slowly drifting further and further away from that number. I was around 245 when I left Toronto and I’ve been lingering around 249 the past week.
Time to get serious and start focusing on that number going down again.
But, this has become much more complicated than it was before. Instead of living with 2 other people with whom I had to coordinate meal-times/foods, I now live with 4 other people.
When in Toronto, I had my diet sorted 5 days/week and was working really hard to bring the weekends into line as well.
On weekdays I would have water & homemade mocha and a green smoothie in the morning; a salad or grilled chicken and veggies for lunch and eggs and toast for dinner. This worked great for me and I was happy with it for those 5 days.
Since being here, I eat eggs in the morning, try to make something healthy for lunch, dinner can be almost anything and we go-through Tim Horton’s or McDonald’s several times/week. Top this off with the fact that I’m more physically active and getting lots of fresh air which makes me hungry all the time…and it’s bad news.
The other night while having dinner with the family I had a sort of revelation: I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to eat what I need to in order to take care of myself.
I don’t have to feel bad or guilty if I don’t eat food that has been prepared, especially if I let my Mom know in advance what I would be eating.
I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself.
This is a huge and difficult lesson for someone like me who always feels it is my responsibility to take-care of others and ensure that they are happy. 
I am going to make my goal to stay within my calories at least 3 days this week. I will communicate clearly so that I don’t have to feel guilty about hurting feelings or offending anyone.
I am moving weight loss higher-up on my list of priorities again now that things have settled down a bit.
It’s ok to put other people and their needs first for a time, when it’s necessary, but I’m important too.
And, now it’s my time.

250.4 My Life in Lbs

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

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I am getting excitingly close to leaving the 50’s and entering the 40’s.

I decided to take a look at my weight loss to date and figured-out that I am getting close to a 50 lb landmark.

It depends on which number I choose to look at, which is complicated a bit by the pregnancy/birth of my son.

Here’s my chart from Lose It:

Chart

 

My son was born October 17, 2013 and while still pregnant I had last weighed-in at 315 lbs.

After he was born, I got down to 283.5 on November 14th, 2013, but as you can see it went up from there for a while.

There’s a weird spike to 295 on March 25, 2014, but since there’s a previous mark that is 292.6 on January 2, 2014, I choose to pick an average there of 293 and just say that on January 1, 2014 I was 293 lbs.

With that little explanation, here’s a quick synopsis:

Jan. 1, 2014  (293 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) = 13 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) = 4 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) to Aug. 10, 2016 (250.4 lbs) = 25.6 lbs lost

Total lbs lost = 42.6

Getting so close to 50 lbs down.

I love this graph because it reflects a journey that hasn’t been easy, but I look it and see that I have never given-up. I look at it and I see hard work, perseverance, lessons learned, changes made, struggles, victories, tears of joy, tears of shame and, most beautifully, the creation and birth of my son.

To look at this chart is to see my life-the spikes represent times when life was difficult, dark times when I struggled to get out of bed in the morning and to eat anything other than toast, chips, chocolate and cookies. You can see times when the clouds seem to have parted and I go ‘great guns’ and drop a bit, only to rebound and hit another spike.

But, the general trend has been downwards and recently, the trend is pretty impressive. I have, clearly, learned a lot through my journey.

This morning I am feeling encouraged. I feel strengthened and validated in my pursuit of health.
I am not perfect. But, when I look at my life in lbs, I see a warrior who refuses to be defeated and is constantly honing her skills as she levels up and prepares to, once and for all, take down the big boss.

251.4 I’ll Have a Diet Pepsi, Please

08 Monday Aug 2016

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I did it! Ha.

Below the 252 mark. And, this was after going-through my cycle-slumps. I am excited because I see so much progress in my mindset and my capability to get-through the rough patches with less damage to my health and well-being.

I have entered another 4 week challenge. This time there is $$ involved, so a little extra incentive to meet my goals.

Having said that, after 1 week of having “Pop” as my bad habit I was trying to break, I have decided to switch to another bad habit. If I did fail and have a pop I  found myself saying “well, I’ve already lost the points, I may as well drink as much pop as possible to make it worth my while”.

Not helpful.

This way, if I decide to have a pop on a Friday evening as a treat at the end of the week, I can just have one and will not have to ‘make it worthwhile’ by drinking a lot more than I would have without that mentality of making the loss of points worth it.

Diet pop.

Ugh. It’s totally my arch nemesis.

Some of you may be wondering why I make such a big deal out of it. I mean, it’s not like I even drink it every day. Even if I did, it was just one can/day. So, what’s the big deal?

3 things:

  • It really seems to kill my gut
  • There are certain foods I like to eat with the pop. I don’t like drinking pop on its own. To me, it goes with certain things. Thinking about it right now, I would LOVE to sit down with 4 pieces of toast and a nice, cold, diet pop. Toast with marg&Nutella, toast with marg&Jam, Toast with marg&honey and either toast with pb&j or toast with just marg…That’s a lot of calories to consume just to enjoy a pop.
  • The artificial sweetener, etc. in pop makes me crave more sweets. Sugar consumption breeds sugar consumption and since artificial sweeteners not only taste sweeter than refined sugar, but have added chemicals that cause reactions in the brain, they breed even MORE sugar cravings. What starts off as an innocent diet pop craving once, leads to one/day, leads to a couple plus a small bag of chips, which leads to a few more, a big bag of chips and a bag of aero bubbles…..you get the picture.

I want to become a person who does not drink pop at all. Full stop.

If I declare, here and now, to the world that I don’t drink pop, do you think it will stick?

Can the random, weirdness, of the internet keep me accountable to never again consuming pop?

Is that an unrealistic goal at this point?

It can be tough to know which ‘demons’ to work on at any given time. I have found that the best way to do this is to really listen to my instincts and trust myself.

And, if I’ve learned anything, it is that the very fact that I’m asking those questions is a signal that I’m just not ready to make that much of a commitment to ditch the soda.

Because, at the end of the day, I am doing a great job and taking that 100% away feels like a punishment right now. When I make the decision, I want it to come from a positive place of empowerment, not weakness, just like all the other changes that have stuck have been. I think that’s why they have been successful.

So, I’ll have a Diet Pepsi, please.

 

At the moment I’m focusing on the following:

Exercise Daily: 7 minute workout, 10, 0000 steps, and either: extra walk, yoga/stretch or stair climbing

3 Servs Veggies/Day

3L water/daily

@ least 10 minutes of meditation time before bed. This can be writing, reading, yoga, stretching, playing guitar, walking…anything that makes me slow down, unplug and breathe.

Sticking to my calorie goals

And decreasing negativity.

255.7 What Lies Ahead

29 Friday Jul 2016

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I’ve been doing really well at getting myself back on track. I’ve been loving my fruits and veggies and drinking plenty of water.  

My husband and I went for our usual ‘it’s the Friday before a long weekend lunch’ together and I ate all of my salad instead of leaving it and filling up on French fries. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still had the French fries, but not as much as I would have if I hadn’t finished my salad first. 

I’m not going to lie and say that the salad was totally more enjoyable than the French fries, but I will say that I enjoyed them equally. Perhaps, if I really think about it, maybe the salad did slightly edge-out the fries, because there was more going on there.

French fries are kind of 2-note foods, a bit of salt and some mush with an occasional crunch. But, the salad had sweetness, crunch, juiciness, softness, salt and the overall satisfaction of knowing that it was accomplishing much more for my body than the fries.

I also ordered a Diet Coke, which I immediately regretted because I had promised myself to just have water. Then, because I had ordered it, in order to feel like we got ‘our money’s worth’ I felt I needed to order another glass (free refills make a $3.00 Diet Coke feel justified). But, I mentioned to my husband as soon as the waiter had brought my second glass that I should have just ordered water. 

So, when I finished that glass, I asked the waiter to bring me an ice water. I am very proud of the fact that I realized I was feeling bloated and the pop was giving me a sick feeling. In the past, I would have thought ‘I don’t care. I’m enjoying myself. I’m going to eat/drink what makes me happy.’

Feeling sick doesn’t make me happy. I was mindful enough to realize that I wasn’t enjoying how the pop was making me feel and I had the power to make the best choice for my life.

Now, what lies ahead.

We are going camping this weekend. Camping is all about fun and food indulgence. Burgers, hotdogs, sausages, pancakes, s’mores, chips, pop…

I have been trying to construct an alternative universe in my head to prepare myself to make healthy choices. I’ve even been trying to convince myself to not buy myself pop for the weekend. I’ve been trying to fill my thoughts and day dreams of different kinds of fruit, salad, veggies and water.

And, if I’m going to indulge, I’ve been thinking it might be good to indulge in something that, in the very least, includes vegetables. For example, I was thinking today about picking up a nice veggie dip that I can enjoy with some carrots and celery instead of buying another bag of chips.

We already have Sun Chips and Dill Pickle Smartfood packed for the weekend and, thanks to my workplace, a dozen MASSIVE banana chocolate chip muffins…

I’ve also been ramping myself up to, in the very least, complete my 7-minute workout and meet my 10,000/day steps. Our little rental vehicle is going to be packed to the hilt, but I am determined to, not only bring, but use my yoga mat every day.

As I’ve said before, I am really learning how important it is to think about and plan for what lies ahead.

This weekend is a great opportunity to see how I can do at this when there are some clear battles ahead of me.

Oh, and the pop in the fridge that I was hoping to make last until the weekend…I had 1 or 2 cans since I wrote about them, but there are some left over. So, I say: “Yay! For progress!”

257 And Feeling Fantastic

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

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257 is a number I never wanted to see on my scale again. And yet, there it was. 2 mornings in the past 4 days. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t bother me at all, because I am disappointed.

But, it’s just disappointment.

I am not feeling guilty, ashamed, regretful or down on myself. I’m not calling myself names and moaning about how I failed again, etc.

Instead, my reaction has been: “Ok, that happened. Yes, it sucks. Move on.”

I feel fantastic. I feel even stronger and more prepared to avoid the pitfalls in the future. I’ve been exercising daily and back on a healthy eating track. I am aware that I need to keep an eye-out for warning signs that I am pushing myself too hard, too fast. I have, once again, increased my veggie/fruit intake and am increasing healthy proteins.

I went through one menstrual cycle without a major crash. I had increased my protein intake leading-up to, during and for a short time after menstruation to ensure that my energy had a bit of a boost. I also doubled my iron supplements during the bleeding time. I was so glad when I didn’t go into the same crash as before.

It’s exciting to me to see all the ways I have grown, the lessons I have learned that seem to be helping me develop a truly, holistic, long-lasting lifestyle that will allow me to really keep it up so that I can, not only, continue to lose weight, but will be able to maintain the loss.

Part of the journey has been allowing myself to make mistakes without beating myself up about it. Embracing failure has really revolutionized my weight loss.

I evaluate the times I’ve slipped by asking myself questions like these:

What were the warning signs?
What could I have done differently to set myself up to make a better decision?
When did I first realize that I was doing something that wasn’t the best for me?
Why didn’t I stop it at that stage?
What could I do to empower myself to stop and refocus on something healthy?
What do I need to do to prepare for the next time this happens?
What are some tools I can have ready to go so that when I see it approaching, I will be able to, easily, grab what I need to avoid the pitfall?

Yes, I’m 257 again, but I’m smarter, more aware, stronger, more prepared and truly am feeling fantastic about the path that lies before me.

 

Yo Momma’s so Fat…

25 Monday Jul 2016

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These words haunt me like the ghost of Christmas yet-to-come.

 Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell “taxi!”

Yo mama is so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica.

Yo mama is so fat she can’t even jump to conclusions.

 

When you’re trying to lose weight, one of the things that you are supposed to do is come-up with “the big Why”. Why do you want to lose weight? Why are you willing to make sacrifices? Why are you going to get up and exercise when you really don’t want to? Why are you going to choose a side salad instead of fries?

The big Why.

I have really struggled with a clear answer to this. But, one thing that can bring some motivation to me to move beyond myself, put down that french fry and pick-up the salad fork, is my son.

I hate the thought that I will be a weapon that other children will use to hurt him. Especially since the taunts will have so much truth to them if I stay as I am now.

I don’t want to think that he will, at any time, be embarrassed of me because of how I look. I know he will be embarrassed about how “uncool” I am at some point (that is inevitable with teenagers), and I will take great delight in purposefully finding ways to make him groan “Moooom” at some point, like singing in public or trying to get a kiss from him in front of his mates.

But, I don’t want him to be embarrassed because I’m fat. In the very least, if the kids are taunting him because of how I look, I want him to know that his momma has worked really hard to be fit and healthy and that it is nothing of which to be ashamed or embarrassed.

 “Yo momma’s so fat…she wasn’t able to play with you much as you grew up and you both missed-out on a lifetime of fun, happy, memories and you weren’t able to do a lot of things you should have been able to do because no one was fit enough to take you…”

Ok, it doesn’t roll-off the tongue like the other things, but it is a tape that plays over-and-over in my head every day. I don’t want this to be our future together.

I want to lose weight for my son so that I can do things with him as he grows up:  Amusement park rides, spelunking, rock climbing, cycling, swimming, go-karts, running, playing sports, kayaking, scuba diving…whatever it is that he wants to do, I want to be able to do it with him.

He’ll need someone to go on rides with him at amusement parks, but there’s no way they will let me go because they won’t be able to secure the bar for him because of how big I am.

“I’m sorry, buddy, we can’t go on that ride because Mommy’s too fat.”

“I’m sorry, dude, I don’t fit in go-karts. I’m too fat.”

“We can’t do that cave, sweetie. I’m too fat to fit through the tunnel.”

I’m sorry, love. Mommy’s too fat to climb that wall with you.”

The ghost of things to come is not a pleasant one.

So, like Scrooge McDuck (what? you know…from The Muppet Christmas Carol…that well-loved movie that uses a well-crafted story line, delightful characters and upbeat music to teach a valuable lesson?), I’m wanting to learn from what I see in my future and make the necessary changes to avoid such a miserable state from actually coming to pass.

It’s not my only big “why” (and so some would argue, that it’s not a “real” big why because some people feel like the big “why” has to be just ONE, sole, reason—I totally disagree, by the way), but it’s a pretty good one.

I have already made some headway in this big “why”: Although I’m not totally comfortable, I have more confidence to put on a swimsuit and take him to the pool–something I have been too nervous or self-conscious to do for most of his 2 1/2 years. When I take him to soccer, I’m happy to be out on the field kicking-around a ball with him instead of hiding behind his stroller where no one can see me. When we go to the park, I climb the structures and even go down the slides with him. I’m not the most comfortable doing it, but I’ve already gained some confidence and abilities back that had been lost for awhile and I’m just looking-forward to increasing this list so that there is nothing that is holding me back.

“Yo Momma’s so fat…ugh…um…hmph. I don’t know. What can’t your momma do?”

Now, that’s more like it.

Time to Begin Again…Again

24 Sunday Jul 2016

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This seems like a constant theme in my life…I do really well for a stretch of time, then crash for a stretch of time and the cycle repeats.
I like to think that every “crash” is becoming shorter and less damaging. And, I believe that there is probably truth to that. But, it is still super frustrating when I finally get to the point where I am feeling gross, bloated, uncomfortable, unhappy and unhealthy and I find myself saying, as I did to my husband this afternoon: 
“I don’t understand it. I feel so good when I am eating well, excercising and getting regular sleep. I feel so much better than how I feel now. And, I know that this is going to be the case. So, why do I keep going off and doing things that make me feel gross?”
As I posted previously, sleep is a big part of that. Which is why it is 9:40pm and I have chosen to NOT play Minecraft tonight, am typing this and then have my plan in place for going upstairs to get ready for bed.
I feel over-saturated in pop, chips, chocolate, pizza and junk. I am longing for fruits, veggies, smoothies, water and hard boiled eggs. And so, tomorrow I will begin again…again.
My husband and I agreed today that we will become a pop/chips-free household. But, holding to this is the tough part. We’ve said it many times before and have never been able to hold to it. But, I don’t want my son growing-up with these hassles. Thankfully, he does NOT have a sweet tooth. He doesn’t like chocolate, candy, cookies, ice cream or cakes of any sort.
Pop is really the key for me. I can trick myself into thinking ‘it’s not that bad’–I only drink diet, so calories aren’t an issue–and I only have 1-2/day (if even). But, the problem is that I like my pop WITH things. I don’t like just drinking a pop on its own. I like to have toast, chips, bagels, etc. with my pop. This makes the calories add-up and increases the cravings.
There is also proof that the artificial sweeteners found in diet drinks increases the desire for sweet foods (and carbs/salt) making it a vicious cycle. 
I have tried just proclaiming that I am someone who “doesn’t drink pop”, but have always caved on being that person. I want to try again tomorrow. And see if I can go the entire week. 
My husband said that we would reserve pop and chips for road trips and vacations. So, we’ll see how that goes. We are going camping this upcoming weekend. I have half a dozen Diet Pepsi in the fridge. Let’s see if I can make them last until the camping.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Until then, my plan is to fill myself with lots of fruits, veg, lean proteins and water tomorrow in an attempt to get things back on track. I miss feeling better, healthier, happier and fitter.
But, I know that it’s only a few days of good decisions away and I’m totally ready to begin again…again.

266 :(

14 Thursday Jul 2016

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Sigh.

4 lbs up from that joyous moment where I thought I had said “goodbye” to the ‘baby weight’ forever.

I lost track of my food plan and with that, my focus. I’ve only just started to realize that I’ve been living with this “summer fun” mentality that snuck up on me and I just wasn’t prepared for it.

I expect to crave carbs during winter, but the summer cravings were unexpected. I’ve found myself thinking ‘but it’s summer, and summer’s for fun!’. Hotdogs, potato chips, hamburgers, chocolate, pop, s’mores…the things that summer is made from, right?

It’s another mindset I need to fix. Why isn’t summer made up of watermelon, strawberries, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, peaches and hummus? It’s just another area where I have all this history and deeply-rooted ideas of what brings happiness. I have clear memories of happy moments in my childhood, during summer, with potato chips, pop and chocolate bars. But, it wasn’t  just the food that made them happy. And, even if it was, it doesn’t have to be the case now. So, I am trying to re-learn these memories and re-condition my mind.

Another misconception I had was that the summer would bring a diminished appetite, so I didn’t worry about pre-thinking my portions. However, this summer, the exact opposite seems to be true. I feel constantly hungry.

Lately I’ve been trying to think of things that will leave me feeling satiated for a long time, make me happy and won’t completely blow the calorie count.
And, while I know what those things are, eating them is entirely different. I bring a jam-packed smoothie to work (Spinach, Greek Yogurt, Banana, Strawberries, milk, ground chia and flax) and I know that it’s the best option for me…but, that Cadbury fruit and nut chocolate bar that was given to me is just soooooo tempting. I will enjoy it more than the smoothies and it will make the chemicals in my head happy. I eat it. And it does those things. But, 20 minutes later and I am hungry again.
The solution seems easy. Leave the chocolate, eat the smoothie. But, and I’ve written about this before so I don’t want to belabour the point, my brain is used to the chemical reactions of chocolate and I know that the ‘hit’ will make me feel happy, even if just momentarily.

So, I just have to constantly retrain the thought processes. And, actually, I’ve had some victories this week. Of course, the best way to deal with it is still to just not have the temptation around. And so, it’s time to remove the chocolate from my desk and put it out on the staff table.

256 today…heading back to 252.

I can and I will.

252 Lighter than What?

17 Friday Jun 2016

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I am officially the lightest I’ve been since T was born. Not only that, but I am the lightest I’ve been since I began tracking my weight on LoseIt back in December 2012.

Soon, I will be waving the ’50’s bye-bye, saying “Hello 40’s, I don’t intend to stay long, because I’m on my way to the 30’s”.

It’s exciting to see the changes that have taken place not only in my body, but in my mind and emotions. I have been able to make the kinds of changes that will, hopefully, see this weight loss as a permanent one and not a flash in the pan like it has been in the past.

I am excited. I am losing weight and feeling great.

It’s incredible how much of a difference losing weight has made in my life. Oh, and on that topic, I should also mention that I have lost 23 lbs since I started this blog, which is pretty wonderful. 

I can’t wait to see how incredible I will feel after I lose the next 23.

Here I come, 40’s, I will see you soon.