Tag Archives: Body Image

Mind Over Matter

30 Monday May 2016

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I had been feeling really crummy about myself for over a week. I felt bloated and uncomfortable. It seemed like, just over night, all the hard work and positive feelings I had experienced were just gone. But, the past few days I have started to return to normal.

I saw a picture of myself, that my husband took yesterday while we were out at my son’s soccer practice, and could tell that I have lost weight. Also, my clothes are still fitting comfortably.

This is a win. I have been telling myself all the way through this miserable patch that, despite how I was feeling, I had made strides in the right direction, I had lost weight, I was looking better, clothes were fitting better and I was able to move with less pain. And, while telling myself these things did not take away the crummy feelings, it helped keep my head in the game. I was able to get through to myself with facts. ‘I know it doesn’t feel like it to you, but it’s fact because of a), b) and c).’

A group of nerdy girls I belong to on FB is doing a “Healthy Habit Challenge” again starting on Wednesday. I’ve done this before with them and it has been great to have the encouragement and support and be part of a fun community.

I’m really excited to just keep going on this journey. I’ve just been through a stormy patch and will write a bit more about it and my experiences as I go along. But, I wanted to say that the promise I had made to myself, to not allow myself to be so blinded that I can’t see improvement, has been paying-off. It meant I didn’t completely lose hope when I really wasn’t feeling it. This ultimate truth of ‘you are better than you were a month ago’ fortified me and held me steady, like an anchor.

I did get tossed-around a bit and ate more chocolate and carbs than I should have. I did go over my calorie budget for the last 2 weeks. BUT, it was nowhere near as bad as it has been in the past, and I did continue to make good choices. I even ordered a salad while out running errands on Saturday instead of looking towards the French fries!

This is a huge win for me. I had this whole conversation with myself while looking at the menu. It went something like this:

Me: But, we don’t go out very often. It’s a special treat. Surely, I deserve something yummy and “treat-like”.

Other Me: You DESERVE foods that will make you feel worse, ultimately, and make you fatter?

M: Well, I deserve to be able to eat something and enjoy myself.

OM: But, you ENJOY salad. Why can’t that be your special treat?

M: Because, I love French fries. I want French fries!!!

OM: But, French fries don’t love you back. They make you worse. They make you feel sad and gross.

M: Well…I guess that’s true. But, they taste so good at the time!

OM: You have said, numerous times over the past couple of months, when you’ve had a ‘treat’ how you didn’t really enjoy it and while eating wished that you had eaten an apple or salad instead. Well, here’s your chance to get it right the first time!

M: there is definite truth and logic to that.

OM: All the nutrients that will be in your salad, and how clean and fresh you will feel afterwards, compared to how you feel after French fries (which also don’t offer very much nutrition to you).

M: So, not only will I feel better after eating, I will also have the added bonus of knowing that my body is going to be more happy and healthy as well (even if I don’t even know all of the ways!).

OM: Exactly.

M: Sold! “I’ll have a salad, please!”

And I ate. And I was satisfied.

I’m glad I hadn’t ordered anything more. It would have been way too heavy. As it was, I only ate a small portion of the salad.

Mind over matter. The small victories I’ve been gaining for months are really starting to pay-off in the bigger battle of the bulge.

Lovin’ it.

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262 You’re Never Fully Dressed…

18 Wednesday May 2016

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I thought losing weight was supposed to make life easier. I’ve lost 13 lbs since I started this blog post and I am feeling great.  But, I’m finding it even more difficult to get dressed in the morning. Nothing seems to fit right, feel good or look great anymore.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look a lot worse than I did before. I have had to actively engage my mind in these moments to stop body-shaming itself and be reminded that, even though I may not feel it at the moment, I am thinner than I was a few months ago.

Back in 2008-09 I lost a bunch of weight. But, I didn’t really realize how well I had done and how fit/healthy I was. No one really acknowledged it. People were telling my husband all the time how much weight he had lost and how good he was looking. But, no one really said anything to me. And so, the reality of what I had accomplished never really set-in.

Fast-forward 5 years and I am looking at pictures of that time and find myself saying: “Holy crap! I looked amazing back then. Look how thin I was!”

But, I never really realized it at the time. In my mind I was still a huge, fat, frumpy, monster. I would be embarrassed when I saw pictures of myself BACK THEN because I thought I looked disgusting. 50 lbs heavier and I am extremely camera-shy. I reserve the right to “approve” all photos of me before my husband dare post them on Facebook. Yet, when I was 50 lbs lighter I still felt this way about myself. Something was definitely wrong with my thinking. This was a huge revelation to me. I didn’t realize how great I looked. Despite all the work I had put in and the obvious results, I didn’t see it.

Years later, as I looked at those pictures, getting slightly angry at myself for how hard I was on myself back then, I was determined to never let that happen again and I made 2 promises to myself:

  • I would get back to that weight.
  • I would make sure I realized it.

Perhaps that’s part of why I write this blog. I refuse to allow myself to do the hard work and not give myself due credit. I do not want to lose 5, 10, 20, 30, etc. lbs and yet still feel like crap because I haven’t realized how much I have accomplished and the fact that I do look better.

So, when I have weeks like I’ve been having when I try on different shirts, pants, skirts, fail to find anything that looks good and feels comfortable, and my mind automatically goes to that negative place of: ‘oh, your so fat. Look at that- it’s disgusting…’ and all the rest of the negativity and personal body-shaming that has existed in my head for most of my life, I have to stop myself.

Stop.

You are doing great.

You have made huge lifestyle changes.

You are beautiful.

You are losing weight and feeling great.

You are making a difference.

Despite how it looks and feels at the moment, it is better than it was.

You will make and have already made great progress.

Keep it up.

So, despite the fact that my pants and underwear fall down making me uncomfortable and I have lost weight in one area which seems to have just made it pop-out in another area, I remind myself that I am heading in the right direction.

My body is going to look and feel differently throughout this process.

The most important thing is to love it where it is, encourage myself that we are on the right track, understand that there will be adjustments, remind myself of my progress, keep my chin up and try to approach things with grace and patience.

 

Uncomfortable in my own skin

09 Saturday Apr 2016

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I’m having one of those days when I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

I feel fat, bloated and uncomfortable in my clothes.

It’s the kind of day, physically at least, that I wish I could have stayed  home wearing the ugly, but so comfortable, clothes that only my close family ever get to see my in.

Mentally and emotionally I’m feeling good. I’ve had a positive, productive, day. But, I have just hated feeling my body.

These kinds of days can lead to downward spirals. I feel ugly and gross and all negative about myself and so, I feed that monster and, naturally, it grows.

But, I’m all about trying to learn and grow and get, even just, a teensy bit better each time.

I started this post yesterday on my way home from work. It’s now Saturday and it’s been a brutal day.

I’ve been down, cranky, weary and emotional all day long. I’ve eaten, pretty much, nothing but carbs, barely drunk any water and sat around a fair amount.

Then I danced with my son. After getting moving and raising my heart rate a little bit, I am already feeling better.

Now, sitting here, I decided to finish what I’d started (this post) and then get up and do some cleaning, and maybe even a workout. In the very least, I’ll do some cleaning and then some meal prep for tomorrow because I’m determined to eat better.

These kinds of spirals used to bring me down for months, then they began only lasting for a month, then a few weeks, a week, a few days and maybe now, a couple of days.

I am making progress.

And, with that, I sign of for the night so I can get my ass off the couch and do something productive that will keep me going in the right direction.

Every little bit helps.