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~ When life doesn't turn out as you had hope it would – It may not be 100% factual truth-but, it is 100% me.

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Tag Archives: Control

A New Year

05 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts

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Accomplishments, Attitude, change, Changes, Childhood, Choice, Choices, Confidence, Control, Courage, Creativity, Determination, Diet, Dreams, Empowerment, Exercise, Friendship, Goals, Growth, Healing, Health, Healthy, Healthy Eating, Healthy Habits, High School, hope, Hopes, Inspiration, Journey, life, losing weight, Mature Student, Me, Memories, Memory, Nostalgia, nutrition, perseverance, Progress, Reflection, Reflections, School, University, Victory, Weight Loss, Writing

I know I have been extremely slack in writing. This will be no surprise to anyone who was followed or known me for any length of time. I have a history of writing faithfully for bursts of time, followed by not writing for a length of time, only to pick it up and start again. On and on the cycle goes.

The main reason for this is that there are many, many, many things I want to write about that involve other people and I am not quite ready to put the stories that include other people (even if I withhold names) out there just yet. But, that doesn’t mean the writing isn’t happening. I still have to go through the process of writing about what’s in my mind. I just can’t share it yet.

These stories invade my mind and I still have to allow myself the time to go through them and let the stories work themselves out before I can move on to something else.

This often includes a process of revisiting the past and sometimes even reaching-out to a long, lost, friend or just trying to come to terms with how an old relationship ended.

There has been a lot of this for me in the past 6 months as our move back home has brought-up many memories and experiences with which I still needed to process and come to terms.

I have also become a full-time university student, via distance ed., working towards a degree. This has been a dream of mine ever since I left High School, when depression and anxiety held me back from being able to attend university. It has been something I had always missed-out on and, being someone who loves school and loves to learn, had always dreamed I would be able to do.

Now I’m doing it and it feels great!

I am also continually improving my health and nutrition and constantly striving to treat myself well.

I feel great.

2018 is going to be a good year.

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250.4 My Life in Lbs

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Accomplishments, Attitude, Challenge, change, Confidence, Control, Courage, Determined, Diet, Dieting, Disappointment, Exercise, Fit, Goals, Health, Healthy, Healthy Eating, Healthy Habits, life, losing weight, Motherhood, nutrition, perseverance, Progress, weight, Weight Loss

I am getting excitingly close to leaving the 50’s and entering the 40’s.

I decided to take a look at my weight loss to date and figured-out that I am getting close to a 50 lb landmark.

It depends on which number I choose to look at, which is complicated a bit by the pregnancy/birth of my son.

Here’s my chart from Lose It:

Chart

 

My son was born October 17, 2013 and while still pregnant I had last weighed-in at 315 lbs.

After he was born, I got down to 283.5 on November 14th, 2013, but as you can see it went up from there for a while.

There’s a weird spike to 295 on March 25, 2014, but since there’s a previous mark that is 292.6 on January 2, 2014, I choose to pick an average there of 293 and just say that on January 1, 2014 I was 293 lbs.

With that little explanation, here’s a quick synopsis:

Jan. 1, 2014  (293 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) = 13 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) = 4 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) to Aug. 10, 2016 (250.4 lbs) = 25.6 lbs lost

Total lbs lost = 42.6

Getting so close to 50 lbs down.

I love this graph because it reflects a journey that hasn’t been easy, but I look it and see that I have never given-up. I look at it and I see hard work, perseverance, lessons learned, changes made, struggles, victories, tears of joy, tears of shame and, most beautifully, the creation and birth of my son.

To look at this chart is to see my life-the spikes represent times when life was difficult, dark times when I struggled to get out of bed in the morning and to eat anything other than toast, chips, chocolate and cookies. You can see times when the clouds seem to have parted and I go ‘great guns’ and drop a bit, only to rebound and hit another spike.

But, the general trend has been downwards and recently, the trend is pretty impressive. I have, clearly, learned a lot through my journey.

This morning I am feeling encouraged. I feel strengthened and validated in my pursuit of health.
I am not perfect. But, when I look at my life in lbs, I see a warrior who refuses to be defeated and is constantly honing her skills as she levels up and prepares to, once and for all, take down the big boss.

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The Power of Being Heard

20 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Life Now

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Anxiety, Be Heard, CBT, Compulsive Caring, Control, Express, Fear, Listen, Minecraft, OCD, Safety, Seek Help, Talk, Therapy, Trauma, Yoga

I have started seeing a therapist for help with anxiety and trauma and a phobia from which I have suffered since my son was born.

My last appointment was Monday and I woke-up Tuesday feeling better upon waking than I can remember feeling when waking up in years. I thought it was because I had spent the previous evening playing Minecraft with my husband and brother. And, while I still believe that the time I spent with them was definitely part of it, there must be something else going on as well, because I woke-up the same way today.

I woke-up feeling like life was before me, I was excited to embrace the new day and see what it had to offer. In fact, I rose in such high spirits today, that I got out of bed and did some yoga before getting my son up for the day.

And, as I was going through the breaths and the movements, I remembered that this is how it always used to feel. I used to enjoy waking-up, thinking about what experiences I might have today, eager to get up and move and stretch.

One of my constant complaints to my doctor for the past 2 years is that I am always waking-up feeling exhausted. I wake-up feeling like I’ve been through a war. We talked about doing a sleep study, and sleep apnea, etc. But, that never really felt right to me. My gut instinct was that this kind of issue was not the problem. It was something else.

So, what changed?

I’ve been heard. Finally, someone seems to be hearing what I’ve been trying to say for years.

I live in a state of trauma, panic, fear and uncertainty all the time.

I’ve been able to openly express the darkness that has lived deep within me; this turmoil that I pour all of my energy into suppressing so that it doesn’t affect those around me. It is a constant battle for control, for peace, for patience and it takes every fiber of my being to keep it all in-check.

No wonder I am so exhausted.

Having been able to share the things that terrify me with someone who is able to really hear what I am saying without me feeling the need to shelter or protect her has made all the difference. I have been heard. I have been able to share my burden, fully, with another person. This act, alone, has lifted some of the stress from my life that has been tearing me down.

I was in a similar situation when I was a teenager, I was depressed and really struggling, but I was terrified of how I felt and found it difficult to share the actual depths of what I was feeling because I had this need to protect my loved ones.

I thought I was expressing my concerns, I thought I was asking for help. But, when things hit rock bottom and I ended-up in hospital having overdosed on medication, all I kept hearing was ‘we didn’t know it was this bad’ and ‘why didn’t you tell us?’ and ‘why didn’t you ask for help?’

I thought I had.

I thought I had been speaking out, asking for help, trying to express how scared I was about what I was feeling. But, no one heard me.

And, for the past 2.5 years, it has been happening again. I have felt as if I have been constantly asking for help, trying to get people’s attention and expressing my concerns for how I was feeling, but never really being heard.

I am learning that, one of the reasons for this (perhaps the greatest reason) is that, because I don’t want to scare people, or cause them distress, when I express my concerns they are done in a way that is protective. This means, things can come-across as less critical than they actually are. I throw things out there and hope that someone will pick-up on my cues and say ‘hey, I think there is, actually, something really massive going on here that she’s too afraid to come right out and say’ and then they will swoop-in and rescue me.

I am working on this. I learned that in the OCD ‘world’ one compulsion that can happen is the need to protect the people around you. We often see the stereotypical wash the hands ‘x’ amounts of time, do this act ‘x’ amounts of times, have a specific pattern for getting out of the house, etc. I had no idea that ‘compulsive caring’ was, actually, a disorder.

Don’t get me wrong—I have definitely felt it was for years! It is EXHAUSTING feeling like you are ALWAYS responsible for how EVERYONE around you is feeling.

And now, there is someone who has seen this in me and understands the depths of it and how much it affects my day-to-day living and I am already starting to feel whole again – just because someone listened.

It’s so incredible to be heard, isn’t it?

.

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266.7 Gaining Control

21 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

and nd nddfu day to day basis, Control, Diet, Emotions, Food, Food Craving, Goals, Progress, Weight Loss

1.7 lbs away from this month’s weight goal. Though, admittedly, the # goal is not as important to me as the emotional/mental goals I am working on. And, I’m pleased to say, that I’ve made some headway in these areas as well.

For years I have wished that I could, automatically, lose 1 lbs every time I made a good decision. Choose salad instead of french fries = 1 lbs lost instantly. Pass on the birthday cake at work = – 1lbs instantly. And so forth.

Well, I kind of feel, like I just had one of those moments. I went to a Tim Horton’s yesterday to pick-up donuts and muffins for a meeting I was attending and I ordered myself a tea and soup for lunch. I didn’t get a donut, I didn’t even get a Diet Pepsi.

Later in the day when i was at this meeting and the donuts were coming-out for folks to enjoy, I didn’t have one.

Fast forward to the evening and my husband mentions he is going to the corner store and asks if I want anything. I request some Coke Zero. But, I didn’t have it last night. He bought himself some chips and I didn’t feel jealous or reach for popcorn, toast or rice chips so that I would have a treat as well.

And, do you want to know why I didn’t have any of that stuff? Because, when I stopped and asked myself if I really wanted it, was I really hungry, did I really want pop this late in the evening? The answer was “no” every time.

I didn’t skip these things because “I’m on a diet”. I gave them a pass because I have been working on mindfulness and on separating reality from “treat mentality” and I realized in each situation that I was very content without the donut/pop/chips, etc.

There was no torture involved, no feelings of loss, no major struggle to say “no”, no feelings of ‘I really want that, but I can’t because I’m on a diet’.

Just plain, ‘ol, I don’t want it and that settles it.

I wonder if this is how people who don’t have the emotional attachments to food function on a regular day to day basis? If so, does this mean that I am making good progress in my mental/emotional goals this week, just as I am in my # goal?

I think so.

 

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Prom

25 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Life Now

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Confidence, Control, Embarrassment, Forgiveness, High School, Memories, Perspective, Prom, Ridiculous, Safety, Self-Disdain, Self-Loathing, Stability, Teachers

*

To this day I can’t remember what kind of reasoning or excuse I must have given to my  prom date (who also happened to be my brother) when I drove us to my teacher’s house before heading to the prom.

This action is something that plagued me with intense self-disdain and embarrassment for years.

‘How completely ridiculous am I that I did something like that?’

As an adult I can understand why I did it and I have been telling myself to cut the teenage me a break.

My home life was not stable and could be fairly volatile at times. This teacher was one of the few people in my life that made me feel safe.

I was attending prom despite the fact that I desperately did not want to go. I had never been interested in attending a prom. But, it seemed important to my mother that I attend, and then my brother offered to go with me and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or let anyone down (see my “People Pleaser” post).

Because I felt like I had zero control over anything and was about to walk into a world that I believed would chew me up and spit me out like I was yesterday’s gum, I needed to see a friendly face.

I went to his house to get some confidence.

If he said that everything was going to be great and that I looked lovely, then just maybe, I could survive the horror that lay-before me.

When I look-back on photos of my prom I’m always struck by how much I look like the ghost of an old grandma who died on the way to a wedding. Truthfully.

Our prom theme was, perhaps, the most disgusting theme ever used for a prom: “Truly, Madly, Deeply” based on that, ‘oh so amazing’ (makes me want to puke to this day), song by ‘Savage Garden’. We didn’t walk in the grand march, but I think we watched everyone else doing it as that horrible song played over and over and over again.

While at prom I did have some fun, despite myself. My brother and I danced a fair amount. He was incredible and kept saying things like: “Let’s show these assholes how to dance’.

I think I ditched him pretty unceremoniously at the end. I can’t really remember the chain of events, but I don’t think I stuck-around prom for that long. I remember going to a friend’s house afterwards and eating a crap load of junk food while watching a movie or something.

Most of me just wanted to forget that the whole, horrible, night had ever happened.

But, years later, after being able to forgive myself for the stupid things I did when I was a lost teenager, searching desperately for security, acceptance and self, I think back on my prom and the words that come to mind are not that it was lame, torturous, unimportant or stupid.

Now, when I think about that night, these are the words that float to the top: My brother is amazing. He loves me so much that he was willing to do that for me.

And, we really did show those assholes how to dance.

*

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