Monthly Archives: July 2016

255.7 What Lies Ahead

29 Friday Jul 2016

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I’ve been doing really well at getting myself back on track. I’ve been loving my fruits and veggies and drinking plenty of water.  

My husband and I went for our usual ‘it’s the Friday before a long weekend lunch’ together and I ate all of my salad instead of leaving it and filling up on French fries. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still had the French fries, but not as much as I would have if I hadn’t finished my salad first. 

I’m not going to lie and say that the salad was totally more enjoyable than the French fries, but I will say that I enjoyed them equally. Perhaps, if I really think about it, maybe the salad did slightly edge-out the fries, because there was more going on there.

French fries are kind of 2-note foods, a bit of salt and some mush with an occasional crunch. But, the salad had sweetness, crunch, juiciness, softness, salt and the overall satisfaction of knowing that it was accomplishing much more for my body than the fries.

I also ordered a Diet Coke, which I immediately regretted because I had promised myself to just have water. Then, because I had ordered it, in order to feel like we got ‘our money’s worth’ I felt I needed to order another glass (free refills make a $3.00 Diet Coke feel justified). But, I mentioned to my husband as soon as the waiter had brought my second glass that I should have just ordered water. 

So, when I finished that glass, I asked the waiter to bring me an ice water. I am very proud of the fact that I realized I was feeling bloated and the pop was giving me a sick feeling. In the past, I would have thought ‘I don’t care. I’m enjoying myself. I’m going to eat/drink what makes me happy.’

Feeling sick doesn’t make me happy. I was mindful enough to realize that I wasn’t enjoying how the pop was making me feel and I had the power to make the best choice for my life.

Now, what lies ahead.

We are going camping this weekend. Camping is all about fun and food indulgence. Burgers, hotdogs, sausages, pancakes, s’mores, chips, pop…

I have been trying to construct an alternative universe in my head to prepare myself to make healthy choices. I’ve even been trying to convince myself to not buy myself pop for the weekend. I’ve been trying to fill my thoughts and day dreams of different kinds of fruit, salad, veggies and water.

And, if I’m going to indulge, I’ve been thinking it might be good to indulge in something that, in the very least, includes vegetables. For example, I was thinking today about picking up a nice veggie dip that I can enjoy with some carrots and celery instead of buying another bag of chips.

We already have Sun Chips and Dill Pickle Smartfood packed for the weekend and, thanks to my workplace, a dozen MASSIVE banana chocolate chip muffins…

I’ve also been ramping myself up to, in the very least, complete my 7-minute workout and meet my 10,000/day steps. Our little rental vehicle is going to be packed to the hilt, but I am determined to, not only bring, but use my yoga mat every day.

As I’ve said before, I am really learning how important it is to think about and plan for what lies ahead.

This weekend is a great opportunity to see how I can do at this when there are some clear battles ahead of me.

Oh, and the pop in the fridge that I was hoping to make last until the weekend…I had 1 or 2 cans since I wrote about them, but there are some left over. So, I say: “Yay! For progress!”

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257 And Feeling Fantastic

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

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257 is a number I never wanted to see on my scale again. And yet, there it was. 2 mornings in the past 4 days. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t bother me at all, because I am disappointed.

But, it’s just disappointment.

I am not feeling guilty, ashamed, regretful or down on myself. I’m not calling myself names and moaning about how I failed again, etc.

Instead, my reaction has been: “Ok, that happened. Yes, it sucks. Move on.”

I feel fantastic. I feel even stronger and more prepared to avoid the pitfalls in the future. I’ve been exercising daily and back on a healthy eating track. I am aware that I need to keep an eye-out for warning signs that I am pushing myself too hard, too fast. I have, once again, increased my veggie/fruit intake and am increasing healthy proteins.

I went through one menstrual cycle without a major crash. I had increased my protein intake leading-up to, during and for a short time after menstruation to ensure that my energy had a bit of a boost. I also doubled my iron supplements during the bleeding time. I was so glad when I didn’t go into the same crash as before.

It’s exciting to me to see all the ways I have grown, the lessons I have learned that seem to be helping me develop a truly, holistic, long-lasting lifestyle that will allow me to really keep it up so that I can, not only, continue to lose weight, but will be able to maintain the loss.

Part of the journey has been allowing myself to make mistakes without beating myself up about it. Embracing failure has really revolutionized my weight loss.

I evaluate the times I’ve slipped by asking myself questions like these:

What were the warning signs?
What could I have done differently to set myself up to make a better decision?
When did I first realize that I was doing something that wasn’t the best for me?
Why didn’t I stop it at that stage?
What could I do to empower myself to stop and refocus on something healthy?
What do I need to do to prepare for the next time this happens?
What are some tools I can have ready to go so that when I see it approaching, I will be able to, easily, grab what I need to avoid the pitfall?

Yes, I’m 257 again, but I’m smarter, more aware, stronger, more prepared and truly am feeling fantastic about the path that lies before me.

 

Yo Momma’s so Fat…

25 Monday Jul 2016

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These words haunt me like the ghost of Christmas yet-to-come.

 Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell “taxi!”

Yo mama is so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica.

Yo mama is so fat she can’t even jump to conclusions.

 

When you’re trying to lose weight, one of the things that you are supposed to do is come-up with “the big Why”. Why do you want to lose weight? Why are you willing to make sacrifices? Why are you going to get up and exercise when you really don’t want to? Why are you going to choose a side salad instead of fries?

The big Why.

I have really struggled with a clear answer to this. But, one thing that can bring some motivation to me to move beyond myself, put down that french fry and pick-up the salad fork, is my son.

I hate the thought that I will be a weapon that other children will use to hurt him. Especially since the taunts will have so much truth to them if I stay as I am now.

I don’t want to think that he will, at any time, be embarrassed of me because of how I look. I know he will be embarrassed about how “uncool” I am at some point (that is inevitable with teenagers), and I will take great delight in purposefully finding ways to make him groan “Moooom” at some point, like singing in public or trying to get a kiss from him in front of his mates.

But, I don’t want him to be embarrassed because I’m fat. In the very least, if the kids are taunting him because of how I look, I want him to know that his momma has worked really hard to be fit and healthy and that it is nothing of which to be ashamed or embarrassed.

 “Yo momma’s so fat…she wasn’t able to play with you much as you grew up and you both missed-out on a lifetime of fun, happy, memories and you weren’t able to do a lot of things you should have been able to do because no one was fit enough to take you…”

Ok, it doesn’t roll-off the tongue like the other things, but it is a tape that plays over-and-over in my head every day. I don’t want this to be our future together.

I want to lose weight for my son so that I can do things with him as he grows up:  Amusement park rides, spelunking, rock climbing, cycling, swimming, go-karts, running, playing sports, kayaking, scuba diving…whatever it is that he wants to do, I want to be able to do it with him.

He’ll need someone to go on rides with him at amusement parks, but there’s no way they will let me go because they won’t be able to secure the bar for him because of how big I am.

“I’m sorry, buddy, we can’t go on that ride because Mommy’s too fat.”

“I’m sorry, dude, I don’t fit in go-karts. I’m too fat.”

“We can’t do that cave, sweetie. I’m too fat to fit through the tunnel.”

I’m sorry, love. Mommy’s too fat to climb that wall with you.”

The ghost of things to come is not a pleasant one.

So, like Scrooge McDuck (what? you know…from The Muppet Christmas Carol…that well-loved movie that uses a well-crafted story line, delightful characters and upbeat music to teach a valuable lesson?), I’m wanting to learn from what I see in my future and make the necessary changes to avoid such a miserable state from actually coming to pass.

It’s not my only big “why” (and so some would argue, that it’s not a “real” big why because some people feel like the big “why” has to be just ONE, sole, reason—I totally disagree, by the way), but it’s a pretty good one.

I have already made some headway in this big “why”: Although I’m not totally comfortable, I have more confidence to put on a swimsuit and take him to the pool–something I have been too nervous or self-conscious to do for most of his 2 1/2 years. When I take him to soccer, I’m happy to be out on the field kicking-around a ball with him instead of hiding behind his stroller where no one can see me. When we go to the park, I climb the structures and even go down the slides with him. I’m not the most comfortable doing it, but I’ve already gained some confidence and abilities back that had been lost for awhile and I’m just looking-forward to increasing this list so that there is nothing that is holding me back.

“Yo Momma’s so fat…ugh…um…hmph. I don’t know. What can’t your momma do?”

Now, that’s more like it.

Time to Begin Again…Again

24 Sunday Jul 2016

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This seems like a constant theme in my life…I do really well for a stretch of time, then crash for a stretch of time and the cycle repeats.
I like to think that every “crash” is becoming shorter and less damaging. And, I believe that there is probably truth to that. But, it is still super frustrating when I finally get to the point where I am feeling gross, bloated, uncomfortable, unhappy and unhealthy and I find myself saying, as I did to my husband this afternoon: 
“I don’t understand it. I feel so good when I am eating well, excercising and getting regular sleep. I feel so much better than how I feel now. And, I know that this is going to be the case. So, why do I keep going off and doing things that make me feel gross?”
As I posted previously, sleep is a big part of that. Which is why it is 9:40pm and I have chosen to NOT play Minecraft tonight, am typing this and then have my plan in place for going upstairs to get ready for bed.
I feel over-saturated in pop, chips, chocolate, pizza and junk. I am longing for fruits, veggies, smoothies, water and hard boiled eggs. And so, tomorrow I will begin again…again.
My husband and I agreed today that we will become a pop/chips-free household. But, holding to this is the tough part. We’ve said it many times before and have never been able to hold to it. But, I don’t want my son growing-up with these hassles. Thankfully, he does NOT have a sweet tooth. He doesn’t like chocolate, candy, cookies, ice cream or cakes of any sort.
Pop is really the key for me. I can trick myself into thinking ‘it’s not that bad’–I only drink diet, so calories aren’t an issue–and I only have 1-2/day (if even). But, the problem is that I like my pop WITH things. I don’t like just drinking a pop on its own. I like to have toast, chips, bagels, etc. with my pop. This makes the calories add-up and increases the cravings.
There is also proof that the artificial sweeteners found in diet drinks increases the desire for sweet foods (and carbs/salt) making it a vicious cycle. 
I have tried just proclaiming that I am someone who “doesn’t drink pop”, but have always caved on being that person. I want to try again tomorrow. And see if I can go the entire week. 
My husband said that we would reserve pop and chips for road trips and vacations. So, we’ll see how that goes. We are going camping this upcoming weekend. I have half a dozen Diet Pepsi in the fridge. Let’s see if I can make them last until the camping.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Until then, my plan is to fill myself with lots of fruits, veg, lean proteins and water tomorrow in an attempt to get things back on track. I miss feeling better, healthier, happier and fitter.
But, I know that it’s only a few days of good decisions away and I’m totally ready to begin again…again.

255.4 Sleep

22 Friday Jul 2016

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I have definitely noticed a connection between the amount of sleep I get and the level of my carb/chocolate cravings!

This week I have stayed up way too late playing Minecraft with my husband. First of all, I LOVE that game. I love that it’s something my husband and I enjoy together and I just find it totally relaxing.

BUT, I really need to set some healthy boundaries around sleep. I have been staying downstairs, playing, 2 hours longer than I would like every night. As a result, I have noticed that I even wake-up feeling super hungry, which is unusual for me as I am not, regularly, hungry until around 10am. The change of sleep pattern and loss of sleep has also found me constantly wanting all the carbs and all the chocolate that the world can offer-up.

When I was getting more regular sleep, I didn’t crave this stuff.

And it’s not just about the amount of sleep, but it is the rhythm of it as well. I have been told that it is best to always go to bed and wake-up at the same time, every day, even on weekends. But, who really wants to do that?

The weekend is for sleeping-in, right?

I am starting to want it. It seems totally counterintuitive, but I’ve been testing the theory the past few months and I can’t deny the fact that my weekend days go far better when I’ve gotten out of bed around the same time that I do Mon-Fri.

When I force myself to get up around 6am, even on Saturday and Sunday, I just generally feel better. I have more energy, I eat better, I feel better emotionally, my mental state is sharper.

So, as I am winding-down from another hectic work-week and already dreaming of digging-out the mine and cutting down some trees, I’m already trying to plan-ahead and prepare myself to enforce a healthy bedtime tonight.

I have been maintaining my weight around 255 lbs, but I really want to get over this hump and start losing again. I know it’s happening because I am on the carb-train and now that I’ve discovered where the carb train starts (with my sleep patterns), I’m hoping that making some adjustments to the sleep hygiene and being determined to maintain a regular schedule will, once again, squash the cravings and realign my energy and focus.

Just put down the pick-axe and walk away…

The Power of Being Heard

20 Wednesday Jul 2016

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I have started seeing a therapist for help with anxiety and trauma and a phobia from which I have suffered since my son was born.

My last appointment was Monday and I woke-up Tuesday feeling better upon waking than I can remember feeling when waking up in years. I thought it was because I had spent the previous evening playing Minecraft with my husband and brother. And, while I still believe that the time I spent with them was definitely part of it, there must be something else going on as well, because I woke-up the same way today.

I woke-up feeling like life was before me, I was excited to embrace the new day and see what it had to offer. In fact, I rose in such high spirits today, that I got out of bed and did some yoga before getting my son up for the day.

And, as I was going through the breaths and the movements, I remembered that this is how it always used to feel. I used to enjoy waking-up, thinking about what experiences I might have today, eager to get up and move and stretch.

One of my constant complaints to my doctor for the past 2 years is that I am always waking-up feeling exhausted. I wake-up feeling like I’ve been through a war. We talked about doing a sleep study, and sleep apnea, etc. But, that never really felt right to me. My gut instinct was that this kind of issue was not the problem. It was something else.

So, what changed?

I’ve been heard. Finally, someone seems to be hearing what I’ve been trying to say for years.

I live in a state of trauma, panic, fear and uncertainty all the time.

I’ve been able to openly express the darkness that has lived deep within me; this turmoil that I pour all of my energy into suppressing so that it doesn’t affect those around me. It is a constant battle for control, for peace, for patience and it takes every fiber of my being to keep it all in-check.

No wonder I am so exhausted.

Having been able to share the things that terrify me with someone who is able to really hear what I am saying without me feeling the need to shelter or protect her has made all the difference. I have been heard. I have been able to share my burden, fully, with another person. This act, alone, has lifted some of the stress from my life that has been tearing me down.

I was in a similar situation when I was a teenager, I was depressed and really struggling, but I was terrified of how I felt and found it difficult to share the actual depths of what I was feeling because I had this need to protect my loved ones.

I thought I was expressing my concerns, I thought I was asking for help. But, when things hit rock bottom and I ended-up in hospital having overdosed on medication, all I kept hearing was ‘we didn’t know it was this bad’ and ‘why didn’t you tell us?’ and ‘why didn’t you ask for help?’

I thought I had.

I thought I had been speaking out, asking for help, trying to express how scared I was about what I was feeling. But, no one heard me.

And, for the past 2.5 years, it has been happening again. I have felt as if I have been constantly asking for help, trying to get people’s attention and expressing my concerns for how I was feeling, but never really being heard.

I am learning that, one of the reasons for this (perhaps the greatest reason) is that, because I don’t want to scare people, or cause them distress, when I express my concerns they are done in a way that is protective. This means, things can come-across as less critical than they actually are. I throw things out there and hope that someone will pick-up on my cues and say ‘hey, I think there is, actually, something really massive going on here that she’s too afraid to come right out and say’ and then they will swoop-in and rescue me.

I am working on this. I learned that in the OCD ‘world’ one compulsion that can happen is the need to protect the people around you. We often see the stereotypical wash the hands ‘x’ amounts of time, do this act ‘x’ amounts of times, have a specific pattern for getting out of the house, etc. I had no idea that ‘compulsive caring’ was, actually, a disorder.

Don’t get me wrong—I have definitely felt it was for years! It is EXHAUSTING feeling like you are ALWAYS responsible for how EVERYONE around you is feeling.

And now, there is someone who has seen this in me and understands the depths of it and how much it affects my day-to-day living and I am already starting to feel whole again – just because someone listened.

It’s so incredible to be heard, isn’t it?

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The Power of Friendship

15 Friday Jul 2016

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Every once and awhile I get a message either on my blog, or sent to me from a friend via a private message, that lets me know that people appreciate me sharing my story, my struggles, my triumphs and my thoughts.

These messages mean the world to me and I know that I need to do better at keeping up with it.

However, in the spirit of my burgeoning philosophy of self-love and self-care, I acknowledge that it is an area in which I need to do better, but I’m not beating myself up for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally tempted to beat myself up for being so slack, lazy, lame, selfish and not getting up and putting the effort in…(see how easily all those words came to me…) BUT….I’m turning it around and telling myself exactly what I would tell someone else: ‘It’s ok. You’ve been going through a lot and you’ve been doing your best. Don’t be so hard on yourself. One step at a time.”

In fact, that’s another life lesson I am finally beginning to understand. All my life I have been able to give others greater support, encouragement, advice and patience than I give to myself. So, I’ve been practicing this thing where, when I notice negative self-thoughts arising, I pretend that it’s a friend talking to me and I tell myself what I would say to them. And, when I say that, I don’t mean just the pleasant, fluffy, things, but the difficult things as well.

I have a close friend who has also said some pretty tough things to me when I needed to hear them. Having friends who can speak the truth to you, in love, when you need to hear it is important as well.

I have had a difficult time making new friends since we moved countries and I am only just beginning to understand how important good friendships have been in my life. Good friends accept us for who we are while not letting us remain who we are. Marriage does the same, as does being a parent, but the problem with familial relationships is that they become too personal. There’s more baggage that comes-along with it all. When a friend talks it just feels less…complicated.

And so, I am learning to be a friend to myself. Also, to really try to embrace the friendships that I have and reach-out to them more. That’s why I write. 

Thus, as I am sitting here, writing, eating a bowl of chips and a jersey milk chocolate bar, my friend is saying to me: ‘Ok, you did that. Now, move on. The next time you put something in your mouth, be sure it’s something that really feeds your body and makes you feel good about yourself. You deserve that.” (Btw…it’s also a reminder I received from a friend today, so THANK YOU!).

266 :(

14 Thursday Jul 2016

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Sigh.

4 lbs up from that joyous moment where I thought I had said “goodbye” to the ‘baby weight’ forever.

I lost track of my food plan and with that, my focus. I’ve only just started to realize that I’ve been living with this “summer fun” mentality that snuck up on me and I just wasn’t prepared for it.

I expect to crave carbs during winter, but the summer cravings were unexpected. I’ve found myself thinking ‘but it’s summer, and summer’s for fun!’. Hotdogs, potato chips, hamburgers, chocolate, pop, s’mores…the things that summer is made from, right?

It’s another mindset I need to fix. Why isn’t summer made up of watermelon, strawberries, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, peaches and hummus? It’s just another area where I have all this history and deeply-rooted ideas of what brings happiness. I have clear memories of happy moments in my childhood, during summer, with potato chips, pop and chocolate bars. But, it wasn’t  just the food that made them happy. And, even if it was, it doesn’t have to be the case now. So, I am trying to re-learn these memories and re-condition my mind.

Another misconception I had was that the summer would bring a diminished appetite, so I didn’t worry about pre-thinking my portions. However, this summer, the exact opposite seems to be true. I feel constantly hungry.

Lately I’ve been trying to think of things that will leave me feeling satiated for a long time, make me happy and won’t completely blow the calorie count.
And, while I know what those things are, eating them is entirely different. I bring a jam-packed smoothie to work (Spinach, Greek Yogurt, Banana, Strawberries, milk, ground chia and flax) and I know that it’s the best option for me…but, that Cadbury fruit and nut chocolate bar that was given to me is just soooooo tempting. I will enjoy it more than the smoothies and it will make the chemicals in my head happy. I eat it. And it does those things. But, 20 minutes later and I am hungry again.
The solution seems easy. Leave the chocolate, eat the smoothie. But, and I’ve written about this before so I don’t want to belabour the point, my brain is used to the chemical reactions of chocolate and I know that the ‘hit’ will make me feel happy, even if just momentarily.

So, I just have to constantly retrain the thought processes. And, actually, I’ve had some victories this week. Of course, the best way to deal with it is still to just not have the temptation around. And so, it’s time to remove the chocolate from my desk and put it out on the staff table.

256 today…heading back to 252.

I can and I will.

I Dreamed a Dream

05 Tuesday Jul 2016

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I had a dream last night that I had decided to leave my husband and run-off with an old flame of mine. This isn’t a unique dream for me, I have some variation of this dream every 3-4 months. 

The “object of my affection” is a guy who was my biggest crush in life, though in the dream he’s actually an almagamation of different people I’ve met into one super-human.

This dream always starts off so beautifully. My ‘dream guy’ has just professed his love for me and expressed the ultimate desire for us to be together. I’m swept-away. Swept-up in a daydream of violins, rose petals, strong arms and perfect love.
This is what I’ve been missing.

What I’ve always wanted.
My new/old beau and I spend some intimate and romantic time together. We embrace, we cry, we kiss we talk about the time we’ve missed and the dreams to come.

(At this point, I wake up because I have to pee. I go to the bathroom, pee, return to bed and fall back asleep, and am instantly brought back into the romantic reverie. My new/old beau and I have a few friends around us who are so happy that we’ve finally connected and that we have accepted the fact that we were meant to be together and I am feeling peaceful, happy and so in love).

Eventually, however, reality hits. This is the part of the dream where I start to think about how I would break the news to my husband. I begin to process how this will hurt him, and the realization starts to set-in that hurting him will hurt me as well, because his well-being was part of me. I don’t want to hurt him or see him sad.

More importantly, I don’t want to break what we’ve built together.

It hasn’t been perfect and it most definitely did not start-off in any romantic, loving, head-over-heels kind of way, but it is what it is because we’ve worked at it together. 

I never “fell in love” with my husband. We were good friends and I loved him as a friend. But, I never had romantic feelings towards him or felt attracted to him. Our romantic relationship hopped-skipped-and-jumped from friendship to ‘couple on the verge of divorce’. That is where our relationship started.

I never had the butterflies, the nervous stomach, the excitement and anticipation of being picked up for a date, or that feeling of being swept-up or falling in love. 

I have always wondered what I missed-out on. I try to tell myself that I don’t want, or need, the romance – that they are not required to be in a happy relationship, that it is unrealistic, that this idea of being “in love” with the person you marry is a fairytale, or something that only a few special (privileged) people get to experience.

I used to wake up after one of these dreams feeling resentful towards the man that was snoring beside me. Why couldn’t he be more like the man of my dreams? Why do I feel trapped and that it is impossible to leave to pursue a relationship like that of my dreams? I loved getting swept-away in this dream, a fairy tale, a plot for a Sandra Bullock or Meg Ryan movie. I used to try to live in the dream as long as possible once awake. To pretend that it was real.

But, this morning when I woke-up, I was surprised at how I was feeling. I didn’t feel resentful or sad at my lot in life, I wasn’t desperately clinging to the romance I had experienced in my dream, I wasn’t depressed by feelings of being trapped or stuck, I was relieved. I was grateful that the man snoring beside me was my husband and nobody else.

I usually wake-up during the part of the dream where I’m just starting to feel sad about the looming idea that I might not be able to go through with it. But, this morning, I dreamt for much longer than that. In my dream I went through a lot of processing and woke up after I had realized that I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to be with this other person. I wanted to be with my husband.

It was the first time that this dream didn’t leave lingering feelings of regret or sadness.

And there was no sadness there.

Only joy.

Joy and gratitude.

There are is still improvement needed and I clearly desire more excitement, romance, intimacy and adventure in our relationship, but I know that I want it in OUR relationship and not with anyone else.

I want to continue to build on what we have created. To explore and discover romance and beauty together. To continue to challenge ourselves and each other to make our lives the things of which dreams are truly made.

I love you, sweet cheeks.

Overdoing it

04 Monday Jul 2016

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I have this horrible tendency of jumping into things head first. Years ago I decided I would start running. I woke-up one day, headed outdoors and proceeded to run 5k without warming up, stretching, cooling down, etc. and I did this for several months.

My hips and knee are still paying the price for this horrible attempt at becoming healthy.

I still haven’t learned my lesson.

I get too extreme, too quickly and then I crash. My calorie intake was way too low and I had increased my physical activity by too much in a very short period of time. On top of this, it’s been an exceptionally stressful few months.

And, for the past five, or so, days, I have found myself going into that ultimate “survivor” mentality that has me reaching for all things CARB and SUGAR.

I think I’ve touched on this before, but this is a built-in “fight or flight” response in human nature.

See this article for further info on this: http://paleoleap.com/sugar-stress-brain/

I am, desperately, trying to bring my body and mind back on track today. I realize that the “feel good” effects are short-term and that, with every bite of chocolate I take, I’m making it harder for myself to stop and get back to feeling better again.

So far, I’ve failed quite a bit, but have made some good choices and am starting to feel my focus returning, the desire to reach for the chocolate diminishing, and a more level-headed approach to what I’m putting in my mouth.

True, I did have a Mars bar and a mocha for breakfast…and 6 pieces of Cadbury milk chocolate followed by 6 pieces of Cadbury fruit and nut bar for a snack…BUT, I’ve also chosen a banana once (over more chocolate) and now some lettuce, carrots, grapes and a turkey bite over chips, pop and MORE chocolate.

PLUS, my water intake is already triple what it has been the past 2 days. So, it’s not all bad.

I have noticed that, with the deterioration in eating habits, there has been an obvious increase in body pain. So, if I ever question whether, or not, eating healthy makes my fibromyalgia, arthritis and hypothyroid pains decrease, please give my head a shake. It, very clearly, makes a difference.

For the past 2 days I have hurt EVERYWHERE. I even have pain behind my knees. If you were to draw a map of pain on my body right now, the only place that would not be marked would be my nose…and even it has been running more than it should.

Also, part of my stress-lifestyle is that the things that I love, the healthy things that allow my mind to have a bit of a break and decompress, are the first to go (like writing).

That is why part of my 30 day challenge was to write every day. Now, I have been writing (most days) in a journal. But, it’s always been an end of the day, head about to hit the pillow when I spot my journal out of the corner of my eye, quick blurb (about how exhausted and stressed I am).

I need to be more protective of me. I need to be selfish enough to take my time. Whenever I can.

And so, once again, I’m here. Writing. Taking some me time and assessing my journey.

I’ve just been through, yet another, rough patch. But, I’m determined to learn from it, apply some new tools and techniques and be strengthened as I continue on this journey to live the best me that I can.