I’ve been in a rut. Life has changed time and again over the past 5 months and I think I am just starting to feel the effects of it now.
As of April: I left my job of almost 7 years, we packed-up our house and moved from the city to the country (moving-in with my parents), I stayed home and took care of my son for 4 months, my husband got a job with hours that have drastically altered our family dynamic, my son started school, I can’t get a Doctor (despite calling the clinic almost every week to see if anyone is taking new patients), I got a casual job at the local school board and I have also started school as a full-time University Student (working on my BA in English through Queens Distance).
I tend to be the type of person who just ‘puts my nose to the ground’ and gets-on with things, without dwelling much on the enormity of things, because I fear that if I let myself think about it, I will drown.
I take it out on my health. Instead of allowing myself to think about it, feel the emotions and work-through it all, I eat. I eat them away.
The truth is, I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted and tired and I feel overwhelmed.
Take a look in my rubbish bin next to my desk and you’ll find it overflowing with cans of Diet Pepsi, Cheezies and Aero wrappers. Granted, they are the mini Halloween-sized ones, but when you’re eating 5 of them at a time, I think that excuse loses its strength.
People often comment on how they think I am brave, or strong, but the reality is – I’m a wimp.
I hide my fear in food.
I’ve been trying to get myself ‘back on track’ for months now. I was doing so well with things until around my Birthday, followed by my Mom’s, when I let myself fall off the rails.
This is the longest stretch of time in almost 2 years that I have been lost in this place where I feel out of control and at a loss to bring myself back into focus.
This has troubled me, and I’ve been embarrassed to write about it because, on paper, it would seem that my life is pretty good. I should have things together.
My husband has a solid job.
My son is in school.
We have settled-into our new living arrangement (for the most part).
I have a casual job.
I’m finally working-towards my lifelong dream of obtaining a University Degree. Not just obtaining the degree, but being a full-time university student.
This should be my time of life. I should be excelling and ‘walking on clouds’.
So, why do I feel like I’ve been dragging myself through a mud run?
Guilt plays a part in it. I feel a sense of guilt for not being at a full-time job. I feel like I’m never, fully, doing my share. I’m not the sole-caregiver of my child, I’m not busy cleaning the house/yard and taking care of my folks all day long, I’m not out at a job earning a pay cheque all day.
I’m working on something that feels selfish.
I know there are plenty of arguments as to why this is not selfish. But, I’ve never really been good at putting myself first.
I want to write. I want to be a writer.
And, as you can tell by this post, I need the help.
My thought process is all-over the place. I jump from one topic to another with very little transition. I have a lot to say, but can never seem to get it down, or out quickly or clearly enough.
I saw a piece on a news channel recently talking about the current top books, or something. I didn’t really hear what the piece was about because I saw the image on the screen, a stack of recently published books, and heard a freight train in my head as tears filled my eyes.
I wanted my name, my book, to be on that screen.
Filling up from the bottom of my toes and spilling-out the top of my head was this overwhelming desire to create something, in print, that would speak to people. Something that would be read and loved and carried all dog-eared in book-bags everywhere.
I have always written. I have over 30 notebooks and journals.
I have a lot I want to say.
I also want to feel better – physically.
So, as I sat here tonight (trying to focus on my homework), one thought just kept running-through my mind – “JUST GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO IT.”
So, here I am.