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Mind Over Matter

30 Monday May 2016

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I had been feeling really crummy about myself for over a week. I felt bloated and uncomfortable. It seemed like, just over night, all the hard work and positive feelings I had experienced were just gone. But, the past few days I have started to return to normal.

I saw a picture of myself, that my husband took yesterday while we were out at my son’s soccer practice, and could tell that I have lost weight. Also, my clothes are still fitting comfortably.

This is a win. I have been telling myself all the way through this miserable patch that, despite how I was feeling, I had made strides in the right direction, I had lost weight, I was looking better, clothes were fitting better and I was able to move with less pain. And, while telling myself these things did not take away the crummy feelings, it helped keep my head in the game. I was able to get through to myself with facts. ‘I know it doesn’t feel like it to you, but it’s fact because of a), b) and c).’

A group of nerdy girls I belong to on FB is doing a “Healthy Habit Challenge” again starting on Wednesday. I’ve done this before with them and it has been great to have the encouragement and support and be part of a fun community.

I’m really excited to just keep going on this journey. I’ve just been through a stormy patch and will write a bit more about it and my experiences as I go along. But, I wanted to say that the promise I had made to myself, to not allow myself to be so blinded that I can’t see improvement, has been paying-off. It meant I didn’t completely lose hope when I really wasn’t feeling it. This ultimate truth of ‘you are better than you were a month ago’ fortified me and held me steady, like an anchor.

I did get tossed-around a bit and ate more chocolate and carbs than I should have. I did go over my calorie budget for the last 2 weeks. BUT, it was nowhere near as bad as it has been in the past, and I did continue to make good choices. I even ordered a salad while out running errands on Saturday instead of looking towards the French fries!

This is a huge win for me. I had this whole conversation with myself while looking at the menu. It went something like this:

Me: But, we don’t go out very often. It’s a special treat. Surely, I deserve something yummy and “treat-like”.

Other Me: You DESERVE foods that will make you feel worse, ultimately, and make you fatter?

M: Well, I deserve to be able to eat something and enjoy myself.

OM: But, you ENJOY salad. Why can’t that be your special treat?

M: Because, I love French fries. I want French fries!!!

OM: But, French fries don’t love you back. They make you worse. They make you feel sad and gross.

M: Well…I guess that’s true. But, they taste so good at the time!

OM: You have said, numerous times over the past couple of months, when you’ve had a ‘treat’ how you didn’t really enjoy it and while eating wished that you had eaten an apple or salad instead. Well, here’s your chance to get it right the first time!

M: there is definite truth and logic to that.

OM: All the nutrients that will be in your salad, and how clean and fresh you will feel afterwards, compared to how you feel after French fries (which also don’t offer very much nutrition to you).

M: So, not only will I feel better after eating, I will also have the added bonus of knowing that my body is going to be more happy and healthy as well (even if I don’t even know all of the ways!).

OM: Exactly.

M: Sold! “I’ll have a salad, please!”

And I ate. And I was satisfied.

I’m glad I hadn’t ordered anything more. It would have been way too heavy. As it was, I only ate a small portion of the salad.

Mind over matter. The small victories I’ve been gaining for months are really starting to pay-off in the bigger battle of the bulge.

Lovin’ it.

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267.4 So depressing

28 Saturday May 2016

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I wrote about how tough the past couple of weeks has been on a regular post, but I wanted to further reflect on how it has affected my health.

I’m not entirely sure what’s been going on, as I’ve been watching my calorie intake and, although it has been over on some days, it was under on others and the weekly average is fairly close to the goal. And yet, here I sit, 5.4 lbs heavier.

The # isn’t the only thing that is depressing, how I’ve been feeling is where I’m really feeling it. Last weekend I was feeling a little ‘off’ for most of the weekend and I woke-up on Tuesday morning with extreme lower back pain. It felt like I was having back labour all over again, as it would come in waves and have me doubled-over in pain.

The Dr thinks it was smooth muscle spasms over my intestines. But, ever since that I have not felt right. I feel worn and my insides just seem unhappy. I have felt totally bloated for the entire week, my lower back has still not settled-back to normal, and I’ve experienced pains similar to those when I was having a miscarriage inside my ‘female areas’.

I have been trying to make good decisions despite all of this crappy, crummy, depressing feelings I have been experiencing. But, I confess that I have probably failed in this more than I have succeeded. BUT, as I said at the top, my calorie count has remained pretty close to my goal (which is set to lose 1-2 lbs/week) and have gained 4.4.

On top of it, is the bloating and the feelings that go along with it. I had been feeling healthy, fit and happy and all of a sudden it seems like I feel like a big, bloated, water balloon ready to burst and spill out all over the place.

So, I’m going to put this out there, so that I have a record of it and then hit the “Dr Google” to figure out if there is something I can do re: the bloating, rapid weight gain, etc.

I am trying to remain positive and still determined to forge forwards despite this setback.

Uncomfortable in my own skin

09 Saturday Apr 2016

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I’m having one of those days when I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

I feel fat, bloated and uncomfortable in my clothes.

It’s the kind of day, physically at least, that I wish I could have stayed  home wearing the ugly, but so comfortable, clothes that only my close family ever get to see my in.

Mentally and emotionally I’m feeling good. I’ve had a positive, productive, day. But, I have just hated feeling my body.

These kinds of days can lead to downward spirals. I feel ugly and gross and all negative about myself and so, I feed that monster and, naturally, it grows.

But, I’m all about trying to learn and grow and get, even just, a teensy bit better each time.

I started this post yesterday on my way home from work. It’s now Saturday and it’s been a brutal day.

I’ve been down, cranky, weary and emotional all day long. I’ve eaten, pretty much, nothing but carbs, barely drunk any water and sat around a fair amount.

Then I danced with my son. After getting moving and raising my heart rate a little bit, I am already feeling better.

Now, sitting here, I decided to finish what I’d started (this post) and then get up and do some cleaning, and maybe even a workout. In the very least, I’ll do some cleaning and then some meal prep for tomorrow because I’m determined to eat better.

These kinds of spirals used to bring me down for months, then they began only lasting for a month, then a few weeks, a week, a few days and maybe now, a couple of days.

I am making progress.

And, with that, I sign of for the night so I can get my ass off the couch and do something productive that will keep me going in the right direction.

Every little bit helps.

Slumps

13 Sunday Mar 2016

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I go through slumps or downtimes on a regular basis. I`ve recently tried to track these in an effort to try and be prepared for when one is on its way.

I don`t know if it`s the Fibromyalgia or Hypothyroidism, SAD or just a regular phase of life. But, they can be devastating for me.

I end-up in an unhealthy downward spiral. All I want is food that will bring me joy and comfort. I reach for diet soda, chips, chocolate and toast. And, really, anything carb. There are scientific reasons for this happening in humans. It is an evolutionary tick we have that is there to help us survive when the chips are down.

I know that I need to work on the idea that food is my friend, or that food is what brings me comfort when the going gets tough.

But, that is easier said than done.

When I am stressed or feeling blue, it is my go-to.

I don`t have any close friends that I can call-up to come hang-out and we don`t have family nearby.

In my mind I know that I should find something else to do. I could write, read, workout, clean, paint or sing. Now, I just have to find the motivation to get off the couch when I feel like the world is dull and grey. That`s part of the vicious cycle.

I spent most of today under one of those dark storm clouds. It wasn`t until after I had a bath and started to move-around a bit more that I felt better.

I spent a few hours today playing Star Wars Battlefront and I think that this has a lot to do with the dark clouds. I love the game, but I`m really not happy to spend a day sitting-around playing it. And, it has, pretty much, ruined my evening workout routine, so I really need to adjust to this.

But, at the end of the day, I am still close to my calorie goal (I`m guessing I`m somewhere between 2-400 over). This may seem like a lot to you, but I used to be 1000 calories over on days like this, so I`ve been making progress.

I also slowly fade-out of tracking my food when I`m in one of these slumps. But, I know that tracking my food is one of the things that can help keep me motivated.

In fact, I`ve noticed in the last 6 months that every time I go through a dark phase, I`m handling them a little bit better than I used to. I`m happy for this, because I`m looking at a long-term change, not quick results that fade as soon as they come.

So, I`ve boiled my eggs for tomorrow, have my lettuce in bags and ready to go, and I`m all ready to start fresh again.

I`ve done the dishes and tidied up and I`m going to post this and then head upstairs for a mini workout.

I hope that anyone who is reading this and is trying to make themselves healthier is feeling encouraged and strengthened to persevere and not give up, finding that every setback gets a little easier and quicker to navigate. One day, the things that trip us up right now won`t even cause warrant a second thought.