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255.7 What Lies Ahead

29 Friday Jul 2016

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I’ve been doing really well at getting myself back on track. I’ve been loving my fruits and veggies and drinking plenty of water.  

My husband and I went for our usual ‘it’s the Friday before a long weekend lunch’ together and I ate all of my salad instead of leaving it and filling up on French fries. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still had the French fries, but not as much as I would have if I hadn’t finished my salad first. 

I’m not going to lie and say that the salad was totally more enjoyable than the French fries, but I will say that I enjoyed them equally. Perhaps, if I really think about it, maybe the salad did slightly edge-out the fries, because there was more going on there.

French fries are kind of 2-note foods, a bit of salt and some mush with an occasional crunch. But, the salad had sweetness, crunch, juiciness, softness, salt and the overall satisfaction of knowing that it was accomplishing much more for my body than the fries.

I also ordered a Diet Coke, which I immediately regretted because I had promised myself to just have water. Then, because I had ordered it, in order to feel like we got ‘our money’s worth’ I felt I needed to order another glass (free refills make a $3.00 Diet Coke feel justified). But, I mentioned to my husband as soon as the waiter had brought my second glass that I should have just ordered water. 

So, when I finished that glass, I asked the waiter to bring me an ice water. I am very proud of the fact that I realized I was feeling bloated and the pop was giving me a sick feeling. In the past, I would have thought ‘I don’t care. I’m enjoying myself. I’m going to eat/drink what makes me happy.’

Feeling sick doesn’t make me happy. I was mindful enough to realize that I wasn’t enjoying how the pop was making me feel and I had the power to make the best choice for my life.

Now, what lies ahead.

We are going camping this weekend. Camping is all about fun and food indulgence. Burgers, hotdogs, sausages, pancakes, s’mores, chips, pop…

I have been trying to construct an alternative universe in my head to prepare myself to make healthy choices. I’ve even been trying to convince myself to not buy myself pop for the weekend. I’ve been trying to fill my thoughts and day dreams of different kinds of fruit, salad, veggies and water.

And, if I’m going to indulge, I’ve been thinking it might be good to indulge in something that, in the very least, includes vegetables. For example, I was thinking today about picking up a nice veggie dip that I can enjoy with some carrots and celery instead of buying another bag of chips.

We already have Sun Chips and Dill Pickle Smartfood packed for the weekend and, thanks to my workplace, a dozen MASSIVE banana chocolate chip muffins…

I’ve also been ramping myself up to, in the very least, complete my 7-minute workout and meet my 10,000/day steps. Our little rental vehicle is going to be packed to the hilt, but I am determined to, not only bring, but use my yoga mat every day.

As I’ve said before, I am really learning how important it is to think about and plan for what lies ahead.

This weekend is a great opportunity to see how I can do at this when there are some clear battles ahead of me.

Oh, and the pop in the fridge that I was hoping to make last until the weekend…I had 1 or 2 cans since I wrote about them, but there are some left over. So, I say: “Yay! For progress!”

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Time to Begin Again…Again

24 Sunday Jul 2016

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This seems like a constant theme in my life…I do really well for a stretch of time, then crash for a stretch of time and the cycle repeats.
I like to think that every “crash” is becoming shorter and less damaging. And, I believe that there is probably truth to that. But, it is still super frustrating when I finally get to the point where I am feeling gross, bloated, uncomfortable, unhappy and unhealthy and I find myself saying, as I did to my husband this afternoon: 
“I don’t understand it. I feel so good when I am eating well, excercising and getting regular sleep. I feel so much better than how I feel now. And, I know that this is going to be the case. So, why do I keep going off and doing things that make me feel gross?”
As I posted previously, sleep is a big part of that. Which is why it is 9:40pm and I have chosen to NOT play Minecraft tonight, am typing this and then have my plan in place for going upstairs to get ready for bed.
I feel over-saturated in pop, chips, chocolate, pizza and junk. I am longing for fruits, veggies, smoothies, water and hard boiled eggs. And so, tomorrow I will begin again…again.
My husband and I agreed today that we will become a pop/chips-free household. But, holding to this is the tough part. We’ve said it many times before and have never been able to hold to it. But, I don’t want my son growing-up with these hassles. Thankfully, he does NOT have a sweet tooth. He doesn’t like chocolate, candy, cookies, ice cream or cakes of any sort.
Pop is really the key for me. I can trick myself into thinking ‘it’s not that bad’–I only drink diet, so calories aren’t an issue–and I only have 1-2/day (if even). But, the problem is that I like my pop WITH things. I don’t like just drinking a pop on its own. I like to have toast, chips, bagels, etc. with my pop. This makes the calories add-up and increases the cravings.
There is also proof that the artificial sweeteners found in diet drinks increases the desire for sweet foods (and carbs/salt) making it a vicious cycle. 
I have tried just proclaiming that I am someone who “doesn’t drink pop”, but have always caved on being that person. I want to try again tomorrow. And see if I can go the entire week. 
My husband said that we would reserve pop and chips for road trips and vacations. So, we’ll see how that goes. We are going camping this upcoming weekend. I have half a dozen Diet Pepsi in the fridge. Let’s see if I can make them last until the camping.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Until then, my plan is to fill myself with lots of fruits, veg, lean proteins and water tomorrow in an attempt to get things back on track. I miss feeling better, healthier, happier and fitter.
But, I know that it’s only a few days of good decisions away and I’m totally ready to begin again…again.

The Power of Friendship

15 Friday Jul 2016

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Every once and awhile I get a message either on my blog, or sent to me from a friend via a private message, that lets me know that people appreciate me sharing my story, my struggles, my triumphs and my thoughts.

These messages mean the world to me and I know that I need to do better at keeping up with it.

However, in the spirit of my burgeoning philosophy of self-love and self-care, I acknowledge that it is an area in which I need to do better, but I’m not beating myself up for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally tempted to beat myself up for being so slack, lazy, lame, selfish and not getting up and putting the effort in…(see how easily all those words came to me…) BUT….I’m turning it around and telling myself exactly what I would tell someone else: ‘It’s ok. You’ve been going through a lot and you’ve been doing your best. Don’t be so hard on yourself. One step at a time.”

In fact, that’s another life lesson I am finally beginning to understand. All my life I have been able to give others greater support, encouragement, advice and patience than I give to myself. So, I’ve been practicing this thing where, when I notice negative self-thoughts arising, I pretend that it’s a friend talking to me and I tell myself what I would say to them. And, when I say that, I don’t mean just the pleasant, fluffy, things, but the difficult things as well.

I have a close friend who has also said some pretty tough things to me when I needed to hear them. Having friends who can speak the truth to you, in love, when you need to hear it is important as well.

I have had a difficult time making new friends since we moved countries and I am only just beginning to understand how important good friendships have been in my life. Good friends accept us for who we are while not letting us remain who we are. Marriage does the same, as does being a parent, but the problem with familial relationships is that they become too personal. There’s more baggage that comes-along with it all. When a friend talks it just feels less…complicated.

And so, I am learning to be a friend to myself. Also, to really try to embrace the friendships that I have and reach-out to them more. That’s why I write. 

Thus, as I am sitting here, writing, eating a bowl of chips and a jersey milk chocolate bar, my friend is saying to me: ‘Ok, you did that. Now, move on. The next time you put something in your mouth, be sure it’s something that really feeds your body and makes you feel good about yourself. You deserve that.” (Btw…it’s also a reminder I received from a friend today, so THANK YOU!).

266 :(

14 Thursday Jul 2016

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Sigh.

4 lbs up from that joyous moment where I thought I had said “goodbye” to the ‘baby weight’ forever.

I lost track of my food plan and with that, my focus. I’ve only just started to realize that I’ve been living with this “summer fun” mentality that snuck up on me and I just wasn’t prepared for it.

I expect to crave carbs during winter, but the summer cravings were unexpected. I’ve found myself thinking ‘but it’s summer, and summer’s for fun!’. Hotdogs, potato chips, hamburgers, chocolate, pop, s’mores…the things that summer is made from, right?

It’s another mindset I need to fix. Why isn’t summer made up of watermelon, strawberries, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, peaches and hummus? It’s just another area where I have all this history and deeply-rooted ideas of what brings happiness. I have clear memories of happy moments in my childhood, during summer, with potato chips, pop and chocolate bars. But, it wasn’t  just the food that made them happy. And, even if it was, it doesn’t have to be the case now. So, I am trying to re-learn these memories and re-condition my mind.

Another misconception I had was that the summer would bring a diminished appetite, so I didn’t worry about pre-thinking my portions. However, this summer, the exact opposite seems to be true. I feel constantly hungry.

Lately I’ve been trying to think of things that will leave me feeling satiated for a long time, make me happy and won’t completely blow the calorie count.
And, while I know what those things are, eating them is entirely different. I bring a jam-packed smoothie to work (Spinach, Greek Yogurt, Banana, Strawberries, milk, ground chia and flax) and I know that it’s the best option for me…but, that Cadbury fruit and nut chocolate bar that was given to me is just soooooo tempting. I will enjoy it more than the smoothies and it will make the chemicals in my head happy. I eat it. And it does those things. But, 20 minutes later and I am hungry again.
The solution seems easy. Leave the chocolate, eat the smoothie. But, and I’ve written about this before so I don’t want to belabour the point, my brain is used to the chemical reactions of chocolate and I know that the ‘hit’ will make me feel happy, even if just momentarily.

So, I just have to constantly retrain the thought processes. And, actually, I’ve had some victories this week. Of course, the best way to deal with it is still to just not have the temptation around. And so, it’s time to remove the chocolate from my desk and put it out on the staff table.

256 today…heading back to 252.

I can and I will.

I Dreamed a Dream

05 Tuesday Jul 2016

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I had a dream last night that I had decided to leave my husband and run-off with an old flame of mine. This isn’t a unique dream for me, I have some variation of this dream every 3-4 months. 

The “object of my affection” is a guy who was my biggest crush in life, though in the dream he’s actually an almagamation of different people I’ve met into one super-human.

This dream always starts off so beautifully. My ‘dream guy’ has just professed his love for me and expressed the ultimate desire for us to be together. I’m swept-away. Swept-up in a daydream of violins, rose petals, strong arms and perfect love.
This is what I’ve been missing.

What I’ve always wanted.
My new/old beau and I spend some intimate and romantic time together. We embrace, we cry, we kiss we talk about the time we’ve missed and the dreams to come.

(At this point, I wake up because I have to pee. I go to the bathroom, pee, return to bed and fall back asleep, and am instantly brought back into the romantic reverie. My new/old beau and I have a few friends around us who are so happy that we’ve finally connected and that we have accepted the fact that we were meant to be together and I am feeling peaceful, happy and so in love).

Eventually, however, reality hits. This is the part of the dream where I start to think about how I would break the news to my husband. I begin to process how this will hurt him, and the realization starts to set-in that hurting him will hurt me as well, because his well-being was part of me. I don’t want to hurt him or see him sad.

More importantly, I don’t want to break what we’ve built together.

It hasn’t been perfect and it most definitely did not start-off in any romantic, loving, head-over-heels kind of way, but it is what it is because we’ve worked at it together. 

I never “fell in love” with my husband. We were good friends and I loved him as a friend. But, I never had romantic feelings towards him or felt attracted to him. Our romantic relationship hopped-skipped-and-jumped from friendship to ‘couple on the verge of divorce’. That is where our relationship started.

I never had the butterflies, the nervous stomach, the excitement and anticipation of being picked up for a date, or that feeling of being swept-up or falling in love. 

I have always wondered what I missed-out on. I try to tell myself that I don’t want, or need, the romance – that they are not required to be in a happy relationship, that it is unrealistic, that this idea of being “in love” with the person you marry is a fairytale, or something that only a few special (privileged) people get to experience.

I used to wake up after one of these dreams feeling resentful towards the man that was snoring beside me. Why couldn’t he be more like the man of my dreams? Why do I feel trapped and that it is impossible to leave to pursue a relationship like that of my dreams? I loved getting swept-away in this dream, a fairy tale, a plot for a Sandra Bullock or Meg Ryan movie. I used to try to live in the dream as long as possible once awake. To pretend that it was real.

But, this morning when I woke-up, I was surprised at how I was feeling. I didn’t feel resentful or sad at my lot in life, I wasn’t desperately clinging to the romance I had experienced in my dream, I wasn’t depressed by feelings of being trapped or stuck, I was relieved. I was grateful that the man snoring beside me was my husband and nobody else.

I usually wake-up during the part of the dream where I’m just starting to feel sad about the looming idea that I might not be able to go through with it. But, this morning, I dreamt for much longer than that. In my dream I went through a lot of processing and woke up after I had realized that I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to be with this other person. I wanted to be with my husband.

It was the first time that this dream didn’t leave lingering feelings of regret or sadness.

And there was no sadness there.

Only joy.

Joy and gratitude.

There are is still improvement needed and I clearly desire more excitement, romance, intimacy and adventure in our relationship, but I know that I want it in OUR relationship and not with anyone else.

I want to continue to build on what we have created. To explore and discover romance and beauty together. To continue to challenge ourselves and each other to make our lives the things of which dreams are truly made.

I love you, sweet cheeks.

Summertime Dreaming

20 Monday Jun 2016

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There has been something magical about this summer. I’m not entirely sure how to describe it, except for, perhaps, the fact that I feel more present. 

I’ve been trying to be really aware of each moment. I try to be mindful of how I am feeling, my surroundings, how my surroundings make me feel, etc.

A few years ago (ok, more than a few!) when I had first moved to Toronto as a young,naive, small-town girl, it was the end of summer and I had never experienced such heat and humidity before.

I remember feeling hotter than I had ever felt before in my life. It felt torturous in the moment, and I thought I hated it, but lately I’ve been having very beautiful remembering a of these days.

Feeling soaked with sweat, listening to Alicia Keys singing “you give me butterflies…”, day dreaming about the person with whom I was currently in love, eating very little, the sweet smell that, mysteriously, fills the Toronto air during the summer…

And I’ve been reliving it and it feels like that part of my brain, the part that used to be a wild dreamer, is waking up again.

I had forgotten what it was like to live life on a dream. I was always dreaming about more, about what was around the other corner, about the adventures I was going to have, the places I was going to go and the incredible mysteries of life that were unfolding before me.

Somewhere along the way, I got lost.

It’s been incredibly fun rediscovering myself. Just as I have loved watching my little boy grow, learn and discover the world around me, I am enjoying the experience for myself as well.

Life is meant to be lived. It’s meant to be full of, well, life. But, for years now I have felt as though it was just a cloud that I was, kind of, sleepwalking through. There was nothing much that inspired me. Nothing that made me want to get up and explore. Perhaps it was that motherhood completely overwhelmed me, or that I have been “burnt out” for years and am just finally coming-through on the other side of both. 

But, whatever it is, I’m loving it and I’m having a lot of fun rediscovering myself, learning new things about myself, and growing stronger and healthier every day.

Maybe I just had to sweat it out.

It’s Dad’s Day

19 Sunday Jun 2016

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It’s Father’s Day here in North America and I have been on the verge of tears all day. I feel sad, frustrated, scared, helpless and very far away from my entire family.

I have a father-in-law doing radiation treatments, a Dad who is going for major surgery this upcoming Friday and a Stepdad who is undergoing chemo as he battles colorectal cancer.

And I feel helpless about it all.

It is making this Father’s Day particularly difficult for me. I wish I could do more. This feeling of helplessness is exhausting me and I feel like my reaction to it is to become a deer in headlights-standing there, frozen, unable to do anything.

My Father-in-Law has always treated me like his very own daughter. Maybe the daughter he never had. He has an incredible way of always making me feel loved and welcome. I have never felt like a visitor in his presence, but always like family. From the first time I met him he made me feel special-like he was proud that I was the one his son had chosen. This is an incredible gift that has granted me much encouragement, inspiration and support through the years.

My Dad loves the outdoors. For the first 7 years of my life, I spent a lot of time camping, swimming, hiking, canoeing, fishing and just being outdoors. When I was very young, I used to love getting up early and sitting outside the house with him, watching the sunrise. To this day, the smell of coffee always brings me right back to those warm, red, sun-bathed memories. I learned  how to be quiet, how to let your thoughts and emotions be worked-out through physical activity. I learn from him how to be hardworking and to keep moving, no matter what.

My Stepdad has been my rock, my refuge and my safety. He is a true, ‘salt of the earth’ kind of man. He is a retired farmer. He took-over his Dad’s farm and poured his blood, sweat, and tears into the land and the livestock. I still remember the year he was finally able to purchase his ‘dream’ section of land. For his entire life, a beautiful section of land separated his fields, but the owner never wanted to sell. The year the owner finally sold it, I went out on the 4-wheelers as my Stepdad, puffed with pride, showed me his new land. He pointed-out the gorgeous flowers, the luscious grass, the perfect placement of the trees. On that day, I saw a a man’s dreams come to a meaningful completion.

All three of these men have strengthened my life, supported me, and encouraged me in who I am. And, here I sit-miles away from each of them-aware that they are all going through their own, unique, struggles and circumstances and feeling responsible and guilty for my lack of returned support.

I have enjoyed spending the day with my husband, the Daddy to our own, wonderful, child. But, it has been a really difficult day as well. If I could do anything for my Dad’s this Father’s Day, it would be to remove all their pain, illness, discomfort and fear. 

Everything else just feels so empty. 

But, for what it’s worth, I love you Dads.

252 Lighter than What?

17 Friday Jun 2016

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I am officially the lightest I’ve been since T was born. Not only that, but I am the lightest I’ve been since I began tracking my weight on LoseIt back in December 2012.

Soon, I will be waving the ’50’s bye-bye, saying “Hello 40’s, I don’t intend to stay long, because I’m on my way to the 30’s”.

It’s exciting to see the changes that have taken place not only in my body, but in my mind and emotions. I have been able to make the kinds of changes that will, hopefully, see this weight loss as a permanent one and not a flash in the pan like it has been in the past.

I am excited. I am losing weight and feeling great.

It’s incredible how much of a difference losing weight has made in my life. Oh, and on that topic, I should also mention that I have lost 23 lbs since I started this blog, which is pretty wonderful. 

I can’t wait to see how incredible I will feel after I lose the next 23.

Here I come, 40’s, I will see you soon.

Post Menstrual Syndrome

16 Thursday Jun 2016

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Sorry, boys. This one’s for the girls. 

Ok, I take that back. This one is for anyone who has ever gone through mensturation or been around anyone who has ever been through it. There may be some thoughts here that might help you.

I know that there have been a million jokes and articles written on the topic. But, most of this stuff is about PMS or Pre Menstrual Syndrome.

I’ve recently begun trying to research POST menstrual syndrome. This came-about from a year of me keeping track of my cycle, diet, stomach, head, pain levels, emotions and mental abilities. After tracking for months and months, I have discovered that I go into a deep slump directly AFTER my period. Leading-up to and during my period, I am positive, have energy, and am emotionally level.

But, immediately following this, I crash. And I crash hard.

I have ZERO energy, no focus, I’m extremely irritable, I struggle with food (thoughts of vegetables make me want to puke and all I want is carbs), and the world becomes dark and depressing.

So, I started looking into it. But, I’ve found that there really isn’t much out there about it. I am going to be bringing the information to my Dr in a couple of weeks to see what she says. One thing is for sure, I know it happens every month, I know when it happens, I know what issues, or side effects, it brings with it. So, I am going to work on preparing for next month. I want to think-ahead about what I can do to help myself get through the dark time better than I did before.

All the work I’ve been doing so far helped me come through this past week better than I have in the past, but there is still a long way to go. For example, I haven’t written here since the darkness fell and I was really missing it. But, I just couldn’t see anything but a dismal grey cloud. I couldn’t find my way through the cloud to write.

I hated it. Also, I have discovered it disrupts my month so much that, by the time I am ‘back to myself’, I only have 1 or 2 weeks/month when I feel like I’m fully myself and firing on all cylinders. Too much of my time is spent in a cloud, or trying to get out of one.

Last night I was determined to write – something. Anything. I couldn’t bear the thought of trying to produce something worth sharing, so I dug-out my journal and began to write. This broke the wall. I used to write in a journal every day, for over 15 years. I have 40 journals in storage full of memories, thoughts, prayers, dreams, poems and, well – me.

At this stage, I don’t have much help to offer anyone who is struggling, or knows someone who struggles, with the same issues. But, I will be able to share insights from my Dr, my own experience, and anything else I find online in the meantime. 

It’s time for the suffering to stop. 

258 Bye bye, Baby – Baby, bye bye.

05 Sunday Jun 2016

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I’m excited to say that I am now, officially, the lightest I’ve been since T was born. It feels great. 

Let me clarify. It’s 2.5 years later, I know it’s not “baby” weight. But, it is ‘baby’ weight. After T was born, I struggled and because I was finding everything so difficult, I told myself that I could eat whatever I “needed” to in order to survive the days. 

For weeks in a row, I’d eat mostly peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, toast and chips. Comfort food. And, so, while it wasn’t, technically, the baby weight, it was weight I gained because I had a baby. Also, because of the c-section (after I had gone through labor), my body was incredibly weak with my core having been, literally, cut open. 

Now I can say, the baby weight is all gone.

But, more importantly, that mentality is gone (or, at least is well on its way out). I no longer tell myself that I “deserve” food for any reason. That’s not what food is for. Food is for sustenance-it is fuel. Yes, it is enjoyable as well, but I have been teaching myself to keep its primary purpose at the forefront.

When I’m thinking about eating something, what it has to offer me from a nutriotional standpoint is an important factor in the decision. I have been realizing how much eating healthy foods really does make me feel better (I know…big shocker, right?). So, why would I have a chocolate bar, when I could have an apple that, not only tastes great, but will leave me feeling better. 

I have also been working on dropping the ‘spousal comparison game’. Perhaps you know this one…the commentary that constantly streams in your head that says things like: I am always the one who…I did it last time, why should I?…I wish I could just lie around…and on and on. This approach is living life constantly looking at what’s going on in the lane beside me instead of living my own life. I have been trying to focus on my own lane.

While I have been focusing on losing weight in 5 lbs increments, I am excited that I only have 6 lbs to go until I will be the lightest I have been since I first started tracking my weight on LoseIt in December 2012.

That will be a landmark moment for me and I cannot wait to turn that corner.

253, here I come!