Tag Archives: weight

259 Time to Focus on Me Again

18 Sunday Jun 2017

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Now that I’ve moved and we are more settled in, it’s time to try and start focusing on the weight loss again. 
I’ve done fairly well at maintaining, around, a 5lbs range of what I weighed when we left Toronto.
But, I’m slowly drifting further and further away from that number. I was around 245 when I left Toronto and I’ve been lingering around 249 the past week.
Time to get serious and start focusing on that number going down again.
But, this has become much more complicated than it was before. Instead of living with 2 other people with whom I had to coordinate meal-times/foods, I now live with 4 other people.
When in Toronto, I had my diet sorted 5 days/week and was working really hard to bring the weekends into line as well.
On weekdays I would have water & homemade mocha and a green smoothie in the morning; a salad or grilled chicken and veggies for lunch and eggs and toast for dinner. This worked great for me and I was happy with it for those 5 days.
Since being here, I eat eggs in the morning, try to make something healthy for lunch, dinner can be almost anything and we go-through Tim Horton’s or McDonald’s several times/week. Top this off with the fact that I’m more physically active and getting lots of fresh air which makes me hungry all the time…and it’s bad news.
The other night while having dinner with the family I had a sort of revelation: I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to eat what I need to in order to take care of myself.
I don’t have to feel bad or guilty if I don’t eat food that has been prepared, especially if I let my Mom know in advance what I would be eating.
I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself.
This is a huge and difficult lesson for someone like me who always feels it is my responsibility to take-care of others and ensure that they are happy. 
I am going to make my goal to stay within my calories at least 3 days this week. I will communicate clearly so that I don’t have to feel guilty about hurting feelings or offending anyone.
I am moving weight loss higher-up on my list of priorities again now that things have settled down a bit.
It’s ok to put other people and their needs first for a time, when it’s necessary, but I’m important too.
And, now it’s my time.

251.5 Celebrating a HUGE Victory

16 Friday Sep 2016

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After a particularly exhausting therapy session (for non-recovery PTSD), I left the Psychologist’s office feeling torn-apart, raw, vulnerable and extremely exhausted.

‘I just want to eat my feelings away’ I thought to myself as visions of French fries and deep fried wontons from my favourite Chinese delivery place danced in my head.

I pictured all the yumminess that I could stuff in my face to avoid how I was feeling and dull the pain. I could feel myself start to salivate. The crunch of the wontons mixed with that tangy sweetness of sweet & sour sauce. The hot, salty warmth of a perfectly fried potato…

Then, from somewhere inside of me, this other voice spoke-up and said ‘We need to stop doing that. We need to stop ‘eating our feelings’.”

And then the most incredible thing happened. I listened.

This is the first time I can recall, since I’ve been aware of those thoughts and my food addiction (using food to dull negative thoughts/feelings) that I had been able to say ‘no’ to the pull to make myself feel better with food.

This is monumental. It is HUGE.

It is what I’ve been working-towards, and writing about over and over again, but it’s the first time I have had such a clear, obvious, perfect, undeniable victory.

In the past, I would justify ordering- ‘I’ll just have the fries and a few wontons…’ ‘I deserve this, I’m working through a lot, it’s the least I can do for myself..’ ‘People eat this stuff all the time, why can’t I?’

Why can’t I?

Because, unlike most people, I’m not just eating it because it tastes good, I am eating it to dull something that is going on in my life. I’m eating it to escape. Food is to me as alcohol is to an alcoholic, or drugs are to an addict. I use food to escape. I use food to feel better. I use food to dull the pain/thoughts/fear, etc.

And so, on this day I made a conscious decision NOT to use food that way. I went home and ate a normal dinner with my family. Since then, I have had other victories, making the choice to not eat something because I was aware I only wanted to eat it so I would feel better.

I ask myself ‘Why do I want that?’ and if the answer sounds like ‘to feel better’ than it’s a red-light (a no-go). However, if the answer is: ‘because I really would like a piece of chocolate right now’, than it’s a green-light because there is no emotion involved.

Having a food addiction is different to other addictions. We don’t HAVE to drink alcohol to survive. We don’t HAVE to consume narcotics, etc. to survive. But, we do HAVE to eat to survive. We need food. Therefore, as an addiction, it’s not something that one can avoid. I have to eat.

That’s why I’ve been working-on teaching myself to be more mindful of ‘why’ I want to eat. Do I want to eat that because I’m hungry, or because it will taste good? Or, do I want to eat that to make myself feel better, dull the senses, escape, etc?
I’m feeling pretty stoked about that massive victory and excited at the idea that I might, actually, be able to start getting some power over all of this. Feeling that I have the strength within me to conquer these things is really inspiring and I hope to just keep pushing-forward and becoming more reliant on myself and less reliant on food when things are tough.

250.4 My Life in Lbs

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

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I am getting excitingly close to leaving the 50’s and entering the 40’s.

I decided to take a look at my weight loss to date and figured-out that I am getting close to a 50 lb landmark.

It depends on which number I choose to look at, which is complicated a bit by the pregnancy/birth of my son.

Here’s my chart from Lose It:

Chart

 

My son was born October 17, 2013 and while still pregnant I had last weighed-in at 315 lbs.

After he was born, I got down to 283.5 on November 14th, 2013, but as you can see it went up from there for a while.

There’s a weird spike to 295 on March 25, 2014, but since there’s a previous mark that is 292.6 on January 2, 2014, I choose to pick an average there of 293 and just say that on January 1, 2014 I was 293 lbs.

With that little explanation, here’s a quick synopsis:

Jan. 1, 2014  (293 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) = 13 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) = 4 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) to Aug. 10, 2016 (250.4 lbs) = 25.6 lbs lost

Total lbs lost = 42.6

Getting so close to 50 lbs down.

I love this graph because it reflects a journey that hasn’t been easy, but I look it and see that I have never given-up. I look at it and I see hard work, perseverance, lessons learned, changes made, struggles, victories, tears of joy, tears of shame and, most beautifully, the creation and birth of my son.

To look at this chart is to see my life-the spikes represent times when life was difficult, dark times when I struggled to get out of bed in the morning and to eat anything other than toast, chips, chocolate and cookies. You can see times when the clouds seem to have parted and I go ‘great guns’ and drop a bit, only to rebound and hit another spike.

But, the general trend has been downwards and recently, the trend is pretty impressive. I have, clearly, learned a lot through my journey.

This morning I am feeling encouraged. I feel strengthened and validated in my pursuit of health.
I am not perfect. But, when I look at my life in lbs, I see a warrior who refuses to be defeated and is constantly honing her skills as she levels up and prepares to, once and for all, take down the big boss.

251.4 I’ll Have a Diet Pepsi, Please

08 Monday Aug 2016

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I did it! Ha.

Below the 252 mark. And, this was after going-through my cycle-slumps. I am excited because I see so much progress in my mindset and my capability to get-through the rough patches with less damage to my health and well-being.

I have entered another 4 week challenge. This time there is $$ involved, so a little extra incentive to meet my goals.

Having said that, after 1 week of having “Pop” as my bad habit I was trying to break, I have decided to switch to another bad habit. If I did fail and have a pop I  found myself saying “well, I’ve already lost the points, I may as well drink as much pop as possible to make it worth my while”.

Not helpful.

This way, if I decide to have a pop on a Friday evening as a treat at the end of the week, I can just have one and will not have to ‘make it worthwhile’ by drinking a lot more than I would have without that mentality of making the loss of points worth it.

Diet pop.

Ugh. It’s totally my arch nemesis.

Some of you may be wondering why I make such a big deal out of it. I mean, it’s not like I even drink it every day. Even if I did, it was just one can/day. So, what’s the big deal?

3 things:

  • It really seems to kill my gut
  • There are certain foods I like to eat with the pop. I don’t like drinking pop on its own. To me, it goes with certain things. Thinking about it right now, I would LOVE to sit down with 4 pieces of toast and a nice, cold, diet pop. Toast with marg&Nutella, toast with marg&Jam, Toast with marg&honey and either toast with pb&j or toast with just marg…That’s a lot of calories to consume just to enjoy a pop.
  • The artificial sweetener, etc. in pop makes me crave more sweets. Sugar consumption breeds sugar consumption and since artificial sweeteners not only taste sweeter than refined sugar, but have added chemicals that cause reactions in the brain, they breed even MORE sugar cravings. What starts off as an innocent diet pop craving once, leads to one/day, leads to a couple plus a small bag of chips, which leads to a few more, a big bag of chips and a bag of aero bubbles…..you get the picture.

I want to become a person who does not drink pop at all. Full stop.

If I declare, here and now, to the world that I don’t drink pop, do you think it will stick?

Can the random, weirdness, of the internet keep me accountable to never again consuming pop?

Is that an unrealistic goal at this point?

It can be tough to know which ‘demons’ to work on at any given time. I have found that the best way to do this is to really listen to my instincts and trust myself.

And, if I’ve learned anything, it is that the very fact that I’m asking those questions is a signal that I’m just not ready to make that much of a commitment to ditch the soda.

Because, at the end of the day, I am doing a great job and taking that 100% away feels like a punishment right now. When I make the decision, I want it to come from a positive place of empowerment, not weakness, just like all the other changes that have stuck have been. I think that’s why they have been successful.

So, I’ll have a Diet Pepsi, please.

 

At the moment I’m focusing on the following:

Exercise Daily: 7 minute workout, 10, 0000 steps, and either: extra walk, yoga/stretch or stair climbing

3 Servs Veggies/Day

3L water/daily

@ least 10 minutes of meditation time before bed. This can be writing, reading, yoga, stretching, playing guitar, walking…anything that makes me slow down, unplug and breathe.

Sticking to my calorie goals

And decreasing negativity.

257 And Feeling Fantastic

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

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257 is a number I never wanted to see on my scale again. And yet, there it was. 2 mornings in the past 4 days. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t bother me at all, because I am disappointed.

But, it’s just disappointment.

I am not feeling guilty, ashamed, regretful or down on myself. I’m not calling myself names and moaning about how I failed again, etc.

Instead, my reaction has been: “Ok, that happened. Yes, it sucks. Move on.”

I feel fantastic. I feel even stronger and more prepared to avoid the pitfalls in the future. I’ve been exercising daily and back on a healthy eating track. I am aware that I need to keep an eye-out for warning signs that I am pushing myself too hard, too fast. I have, once again, increased my veggie/fruit intake and am increasing healthy proteins.

I went through one menstrual cycle without a major crash. I had increased my protein intake leading-up to, during and for a short time after menstruation to ensure that my energy had a bit of a boost. I also doubled my iron supplements during the bleeding time. I was so glad when I didn’t go into the same crash as before.

It’s exciting to me to see all the ways I have grown, the lessons I have learned that seem to be helping me develop a truly, holistic, long-lasting lifestyle that will allow me to really keep it up so that I can, not only, continue to lose weight, but will be able to maintain the loss.

Part of the journey has been allowing myself to make mistakes without beating myself up about it. Embracing failure has really revolutionized my weight loss.

I evaluate the times I’ve slipped by asking myself questions like these:

What were the warning signs?
What could I have done differently to set myself up to make a better decision?
When did I first realize that I was doing something that wasn’t the best for me?
Why didn’t I stop it at that stage?
What could I do to empower myself to stop and refocus on something healthy?
What do I need to do to prepare for the next time this happens?
What are some tools I can have ready to go so that when I see it approaching, I will be able to, easily, grab what I need to avoid the pitfall?

Yes, I’m 257 again, but I’m smarter, more aware, stronger, more prepared and truly am feeling fantastic about the path that lies before me.

 

262 You’re Never Fully Dressed…

18 Wednesday May 2016

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I thought losing weight was supposed to make life easier. I’ve lost 13 lbs since I started this blog post and I am feeling great.  But, I’m finding it even more difficult to get dressed in the morning. Nothing seems to fit right, feel good or look great anymore.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look a lot worse than I did before. I have had to actively engage my mind in these moments to stop body-shaming itself and be reminded that, even though I may not feel it at the moment, I am thinner than I was a few months ago.

Back in 2008-09 I lost a bunch of weight. But, I didn’t really realize how well I had done and how fit/healthy I was. No one really acknowledged it. People were telling my husband all the time how much weight he had lost and how good he was looking. But, no one really said anything to me. And so, the reality of what I had accomplished never really set-in.

Fast-forward 5 years and I am looking at pictures of that time and find myself saying: “Holy crap! I looked amazing back then. Look how thin I was!”

But, I never really realized it at the time. In my mind I was still a huge, fat, frumpy, monster. I would be embarrassed when I saw pictures of myself BACK THEN because I thought I looked disgusting. 50 lbs heavier and I am extremely camera-shy. I reserve the right to “approve” all photos of me before my husband dare post them on Facebook. Yet, when I was 50 lbs lighter I still felt this way about myself. Something was definitely wrong with my thinking. This was a huge revelation to me. I didn’t realize how great I looked. Despite all the work I had put in and the obvious results, I didn’t see it.

Years later, as I looked at those pictures, getting slightly angry at myself for how hard I was on myself back then, I was determined to never let that happen again and I made 2 promises to myself:

  • I would get back to that weight.
  • I would make sure I realized it.

Perhaps that’s part of why I write this blog. I refuse to allow myself to do the hard work and not give myself due credit. I do not want to lose 5, 10, 20, 30, etc. lbs and yet still feel like crap because I haven’t realized how much I have accomplished and the fact that I do look better.

So, when I have weeks like I’ve been having when I try on different shirts, pants, skirts, fail to find anything that looks good and feels comfortable, and my mind automatically goes to that negative place of: ‘oh, your so fat. Look at that- it’s disgusting…’ and all the rest of the negativity and personal body-shaming that has existed in my head for most of my life, I have to stop myself.

Stop.

You are doing great.

You have made huge lifestyle changes.

You are beautiful.

You are losing weight and feeling great.

You are making a difference.

Despite how it looks and feels at the moment, it is better than it was.

You will make and have already made great progress.

Keep it up.

So, despite the fact that my pants and underwear fall down making me uncomfortable and I have lost weight in one area which seems to have just made it pop-out in another area, I remind myself that I am heading in the right direction.

My body is going to look and feel differently throughout this process.

The most important thing is to love it where it is, encourage myself that we are on the right track, understand that there will be adjustments, remind myself of my progress, keep my chin up and try to approach things with grace and patience.

 

263.4 Stairs and Perseverance

11 Wednesday May 2016

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Man, I am feeling great. When I look in the mirror these days I often find the reflection looking back at me is one that looks younger, healthier and happier than she has in years.

However, I am tired this week as the “monster within” is tearing me to shreds from the inside-out and depleting my, already low, iron stores.

But, despite this tiredness, I am making great choices and exercising regularly and am still doing the stairs at work every day; always once, sometimes twice.

I was feeling a tad low on energy yesterday and decided that, instead of going all the way to the top, I would go up 5 flights, come back down, go back up 4, come back down, go up 3 come back down, go down to the ground level and then back up to 2.

But, despite the fact that it was, most likely, the equivalent amount of stairs of going to the top (if not more), I didn’t feel like I’d achieved my goal. I felt as though I had “wimped-out”. So, I turned around and went right back up to the top. It hurt and I was tired, but it felt great to persevere and accomplish it. To top it off, I did 20 wall push-ups just to really drive the point home.

I have some serious leg muscles developing.

My words for today: Perseverance. Determination. Hope. Joy. Happiness. Health.

264.4 Victories in the Mind

09 Monday May 2016

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Well, I’ve managed to weigh-in under my April goal weight. I’ve only done this once, however, as when I weighed myself this morning, I was 266.6. I’m pretty sure it will go down again and I am setting my sites on 260.

I know that I am continuously building muscle through my workouts and that will affect the #’s. What I know for sure is that I am feeling great, my clothes are getting looser and I can see the difference already when I look in the mirror.

I’m feeling really positive about it all.

I constantly find that my mindset around food as a comfort or reward is shifting.

I had some serious victories over my mindset on Sunday. We had traveled a fair distance to see my husband play flugelhorn in his concert band, but my son started to fall asleep just as we arrived, so I wandered around a mall for 45 minutes pushing his stroller. I passed a lot of ice cream shops, McD’s, New York Fries, A&W and, despite the fact it was 2:30pm and I still hadn’t eaten lunch, I didn’t give-in to any of these places.

More importantly, I didn’t actually find myself craving them at all.

I went to a shop and contemplated buying a bag of popcorn and maybe a chocolate bar as a treat, but didn’t really want them either, so left with only a diet Dr Pepper (which I had later that night and then finished this morning) and a drink to bring to my husband for his intermission.

When it came time to leave, a couple of hours later, I grabbed a grilled chicken sub (packed with veggies), mustard and on whole grain from subway. I did splurge on a toasted coconut donut from Tim Horton’s…it was Mother’s Day after all. And enjoyed those with a steeped tea and a diet soda.

Last year, I would have been enjoying a chubby chicken sandwich and fries from A&W, or a Quarter LBS combo from McD’s and ice cream, and probably even a chocolate bar and chips while watching my husband’s concert band play.

But, I just didn’t want any of it. What I did have was an “I deserve to eat something truly good and enjoyable”.

And, although I enjoyed the donut, I still found that I, actually, enjoy eating an apple or some carrot sticks even more. I love the crunch and the juiciness of these more than what the donut offered. So, maybe, the next time I consider getting a donut I’ll remind myself how it wasn’t, really, that enjoyable and I’ll opt-out.

My weekend included a lot of walking, fun playing soccer with the boys, a lot of belly laughter (it is a great ab workout, by the way) and some good rest.

I’m hoping to be around 263 by the end of this week, but as the monster inside is due to appear and the hormones will be raging, so the weight and water retention will fluctuate quite a bit. But, when I come-through the other side of the upcoming storm, that’s the number I’m hoping to see.

271.1 – A Weighty Issue

18 Monday Apr 2016

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Throughout my life, I have found it very frustrating and discouraging how much my weight can fluctuate. My last post saw me at 268.7 and I was feeling very positive. I had given myself a goal of reaching 265 by April 30th and when I saw that # I thought, ‘maybe I can actually reach that goal’. And then, getting on the scale this morning I think ‘there’s no way I’m reaching that goal’.

This is not a new struggle. There have been many times before when I was doing great at this ‘being healthy’ thing and would step on the scale and be up a few, and as much as 5, pounds. And, historically, I would come crashing down and I would give up. ‘If I’m going to gain weight anyway, I may as well eat whatever I like.’

This see-saw of weight and emotions is one of the reasons I have decided to post my weight. It’s important for me to see that it is not the most reliable measurement of the hard work I am putting in. It’s a number. Ultimately, we want to see it trending downwards, but I’m no longer going to allow myself to be discouraged when I step on the scale and the number is up from last time.

Posting my weight (a thought that terrified me a few months ago) has been really positive for me. I used to think that someone other than me knowing what I weighed would be the most humiliating, horrible, dreadful thing.

But, posting the # has, actually, diminished its power and its hold over me. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed like I thought I would be. In fact, I’m proud. I’m proud of myself for being honest about who I am and having the guts to tell the world. I’m also proud of how I don’t feel ashamed about it. It’s good to know that I have that much respect for myself.

I have people in my life who love me just the way I am but up until now, they didn’t know the truth. They didn’t know how fat I really am, because only I knew the “real number”. Now they do. And, guess what? Nothing has changed. They still love me just as much. And now that the ‘dirty little secret’ is out and I’m still loved and accepted and there was no cataclysmic event that followed, I realize just how meaningless the # really is.

This is who I am and, I love myself for who I am. Would I like to see changes? Yes. Does that mean I don’t like myself now? No. Would I like the # to go down and be smaller? Yes. Am I going to get hung-up on it and discouraged if it doesn’t? No.

I am loved. I love myself. I’m doing my best and I am enjoying my life.

You can’t put a weight on that.

272.3

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

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Well, I checked the weight today and was under what I thought I might be. However, it is still a gain. Sigh.

I’m not surprised and I’m definitely not feeling frustrated by it. You can’t be surprised you have gained weight when you have recently consumed pizza, chinese takeout, kfc, chocolate, chips and copious amounts of toast.

However, as I’ve stated before, in all of this I still don’t feel like I binge as badly as I used to. When I binge, I am actually consuming less and I’m off the rails for a shorter period of time. Progress.

I’m all about small victories. I am working really hard to develop a mindset and healthy lifestyle that is long-lasting, not a ‘flash in the pan’. I have to “reset” my mind, emotions, actions, approaches and lifestyle. These are not things that happen over night. I am working on changing a relationship I’ve been in my entire life. This has been an extremely unhealthy relationship that often mimics Stockholm Syndrome

Feelings of love towards my captor.

This is why I like my current idea of ‘freeing’ myself from allowing food to rule, by taking away all the questions, variables, doubts, feelings, etc. and just saying “this is what I’m eating at this time, every day”.

And, on that note, a follow-up from my first attempt to do that yesterday:

I found that, around 2pm I was really looking forward to the treat of going home and having my hard boiled eggs, toast and tea. It was great to have a “treat” in mind for the end of the day that wasn’t a guilty pleasure, but something that I had built-into a healthy menu plan of sorts.

I didn’t, however, end-up having that.

I had bought some wholegrain texas toast on the weekend with the thoughts of making french toast with it. So, that’s what I did last night. We had french toast. I did have eggs and bread for dinner, but in a different format. Not as healthy, but I was ok with that.

HOWEVER…

I was freezing cold last night and just couldn’t warm up no matter what. My nose felt like an ice block. When I’m cold I want warm, comforting, foods. So, I ate a bag of hot, steamy, popcorn. And had a few chocolate easter eggs.

I’m still calling yesterday a success. It was a good start to the experiment. Usually, if I do things perfectly out of the gate I find that I fizzle-out pretty quickly. I’m thinking that this slow, ramp-up, might actually be the best way to get into it.

We’ll see how it goes. I forgot to put my smoothie in the fridge last night, so I have a frozen chunk of spinach/vanilla greek yogurt/strawberries/bananas/ground chia/ground flax and water sitting beside me in hopes it thaws soon enough to actually have some of it for breakfast.

And, I forgot to bring some protein to add to my salad. AND, I have the dentist after work, so won’t be home and eating my eggs and toast until much later.

But, I’m still feeling positive and hopeful about it all.

So, here we go—Tuesday.