• Seeking Life Now
  • Seeking Health Now
  • All Posts

seeking life now

~ When life doesn't turn out as you had hope it would – It may not be 100% factual truth-but, it is 100% me.

seeking life now

Tag Archives: Empowerment

A New Year

05 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Accomplishments, Attitude, change, Changes, Childhood, Choice, Choices, Confidence, Control, Courage, Creativity, Determination, Diet, Dreams, Empowerment, Exercise, Friendship, Goals, Growth, Healing, Health, Healthy, Healthy Eating, Healthy Habits, High School, hope, Hopes, Inspiration, Journey, life, losing weight, Mature Student, Me, Memories, Memory, Nostalgia, nutrition, perseverance, Progress, Reflection, Reflections, School, University, Victory, Weight Loss, Writing

I know I have been extremely slack in writing. This will be no surprise to anyone who was followed or known me for any length of time. I have a history of writing faithfully for bursts of time, followed by not writing for a length of time, only to pick it up and start again. On and on the cycle goes.

The main reason for this is that there are many, many, many things I want to write about that involve other people and I am not quite ready to put the stories that include other people (even if I withhold names) out there just yet. But, that doesn’t mean the writing isn’t happening. I still have to go through the process of writing about what’s in my mind. I just can’t share it yet.

These stories invade my mind and I still have to allow myself the time to go through them and let the stories work themselves out before I can move on to something else.

This often includes a process of revisiting the past and sometimes even reaching-out to a long, lost, friend or just trying to come to terms with how an old relationship ended.

There has been a lot of this for me in the past 6 months as our move back home has brought-up many memories and experiences with which I still needed to process and come to terms.

I have also become a full-time university student, via distance ed., working towards a degree. This has been a dream of mine ever since I left High School, when depression and anxiety held me back from being able to attend university. It has been something I had always missed-out on and, being someone who loves school and loves to learn, had always dreamed I would be able to do.

Now I’m doing it and it feels great!

I am also continually improving my health and nutrition and constantly striving to treat myself well.

I feel great.

2018 is going to be a good year.

Advertisement

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

#meetoo

17 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#metoo, be the change, Empowerment, it's not ok, movement, sexual abuse, Sexual Assault, sexual harassment, strength

I have hesitated to #metoo for various reasons. 

– How many times do I have to tell my stories? It is not enjoyable to constantly have to rehash in an attempt to make people care. 

– I heard the debate about it early on and didn’t want to be judged. But, I also don’t want to be judged for not joining in. 

– The anxiety of whether to post, or not, pisses me off. First of all, I shouldn’t have to worry about it because these things should never have happened to me. They should never happen to anyone. 

Secondly, it saddens me that this is still such a problem. 

Thirdly, it brings up feelings towards men that are unfair. I know that there are great men out there. I have them as friends and in my family. 

Fourthly, it feels so empty compared to the trauma, the pain and the shame that every single #metoo event has had in my life. 

And finally, I questioned the validity of the movement because it seemed to me that it would only be affective if every one who had suffered sexual assault actually joined in. And that’s when it hit me…

#metoo

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

257 And Feeling Fantastic

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Acceptance, Accomplishments, Diet, Disappointment, Empowerment, Exercise, Goals, Growth, Health, Healthy, Healthy Eating, Healthy Habits, Learn, losing weight, nutrition, perseverance, Progress, Reflection, weight, Weight Loss

257 is a number I never wanted to see on my scale again. And yet, there it was. 2 mornings in the past 4 days. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t bother me at all, because I am disappointed.

But, it’s just disappointment.

I am not feeling guilty, ashamed, regretful or down on myself. I’m not calling myself names and moaning about how I failed again, etc.

Instead, my reaction has been: “Ok, that happened. Yes, it sucks. Move on.”

I feel fantastic. I feel even stronger and more prepared to avoid the pitfalls in the future. I’ve been exercising daily and back on a healthy eating track. I am aware that I need to keep an eye-out for warning signs that I am pushing myself too hard, too fast. I have, once again, increased my veggie/fruit intake and am increasing healthy proteins.

I went through one menstrual cycle without a major crash. I had increased my protein intake leading-up to, during and for a short time after menstruation to ensure that my energy had a bit of a boost. I also doubled my iron supplements during the bleeding time. I was so glad when I didn’t go into the same crash as before.

It’s exciting to me to see all the ways I have grown, the lessons I have learned that seem to be helping me develop a truly, holistic, long-lasting lifestyle that will allow me to really keep it up so that I can, not only, continue to lose weight, but will be able to maintain the loss.

Part of the journey has been allowing myself to make mistakes without beating myself up about it. Embracing failure has really revolutionized my weight loss.

I evaluate the times I’ve slipped by asking myself questions like these:

What were the warning signs?
What could I have done differently to set myself up to make a better decision?
When did I first realize that I was doing something that wasn’t the best for me?
Why didn’t I stop it at that stage?
What could I do to empower myself to stop and refocus on something healthy?
What do I need to do to prepare for the next time this happens?
What are some tools I can have ready to go so that when I see it approaching, I will be able to, easily, grab what I need to avoid the pitfall?

Yes, I’m 257 again, but I’m smarter, more aware, stronger, more prepared and truly am feeling fantastic about the path that lies before me.

 

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

To Thine Own Self…

31 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Life Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Canada, Choice, Counselling, Empowerment, Friendship, Gap Year, Help, hope, life, Marriage, New Zealand, Reality, Romance, Struggle, Truth, Victim, Victory

*

I was terrified when I moved to New Zealand.

I wasn’t 100% convinced that it was the right thing to do, but the people I trusted around me seemed to be, so I was doing it with the faith that they knew what they were talking about.

3 years earlier I had joined a gap-year program in Toronto, where I had been living and working for the past year, feeling lost, in way over my head and struggling to make ends meet.

There were 6 other people on this program from USA, Canada and New Zealand.

Over the years, I developed a deep friendship with the guy from NZ. We spent a lot of time together and were given more responsibility in the organisation, culminating in the request for us to return the following year as team leaders for the program.

By the end of the first year, this boy professed his love for me. But, I just wasn’t feeling it. He was like a brother to me and when he started to be at all romantic towards me, I felt like I would puke. It just felt wrong. I loved his friendship, but was not attracted to him or interested in him in that way.

After 3 years in the country, he decided it was time to return to Aotearoa-the land of the long, white, cloud. However, the leadership of the church did not want him to leave, as they still had plans for what we could do together. I was sent-in to talk to him because they all thought I would be able to convince him to stay.

But, even I could not persuade him to stay.

My minister pulled me aside and told me that she thought I was making a huge mistake by letting him go. She told me that she thought I had been blinded to my real feelings for him by feelings I had for someone else, the focus I had on the ministry I had been doing in the community and even a fear of commitment.

I trusted that she knew what she was talking about, especially since she wasn’t the only one saying that we were meant to be together. Everyone in that community had been pushing me to be with him and expressing the belief that it was what God wanted.

So, clearly, I was missing something. I began to feel as though I couldn’t trust my own mind or my own emotions, so I had to trust that everyone else knew what was right. And, so, I did what she told me to do and I went to this friend and suggested to him that we should give “us” a real chance.

It didn’t change his mind about going home, but he did agree to come to my hometown for a few days and meet my family.

It was a horrible week for me. I felt uncomfortable, nervous, odd, sick to my stomach, miserable and confused for most of our time together.

I just kept telling myself that I couldn’t trust my thoughts and that my “real”, romantic, loving feelings would eventually come to the surface. They never did.

Despite all of this uncertainty, I found myself in Toronto, saying my farewells and crying to everyone I trusted that I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. I shared that I didn’t think I had feelings for him, that I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to be with him and I was afraid I was making a horrible mistake. I was hoping someone would hear me and tell me that I shouldn’t go.

But, time and time again these friends and mentors made me feel like I was silly, confused, and didn’t really know what I wanted.

I sobbed the day I left the city, my chest heaving with every breathe as though it had the weight of a thousand bricks on it. My other best friend was with me at the airport and I sobbed and clung to her for dear life, hoping she wouldn’t let go of me. I didn’t want to go. I really didn’t.

The next 5 years would be the hardest, most miserable, most terrifying, troublesome, difficult and challenging of my life. There would be many, many, many times I would be seconds away from packing my bags and disappearing. I had never been so sad, so depressed and felt so lost and helpless.

Those people, all of them who thought they were speaking for God, were wrong. Totally, absolutely, 100% wrong.

I felt like a victim for years about this. I felt that they were all to blame for this horrible life I found myself stuck in. They were responsible for making me be with this person to whom I wasn’t attracted, leaving everything I loved to follow God’s plan for my life.

This all changed when, 7 years after she had left me at the airport, my friend visited me and said words that made me so angry because they were filled with undeniable truth. I wasn’t a victim. I had made the choices all along. I made the choice to go. I could make the choice to leave. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself for staying and feeling trapped.

She spoke frankly with me and for the first time in my life, I actually felt like someone was talking to me adult-to-adult.

This year will mark the 10 year anniversary of that flight and as I sit here, writing this tale, the guy from New Zealand is in my kitchen cooking himself some eggs and watching “Dancing with the Stars” and we are happy.

We are happy because I made a choice. We are happy because he made a choice. We decided, together, that we were going to make this work, no matter what.

It’s true that we never had the “head over heels” romantic phase that most people do before they get engaged. We never went on dates. We didn’t get giddy over texts. We didn’t giggle with friends and chat about stolen kisses or the silly things being done during the wooing stage. We skipped all of that and went straight to the ‘married for 20 years, romance is dead, have to work on it’ phase.

And so, that’s what we did. We worked on it.

And, the most incredible thing happened-the further we got from the church, the healthier our relationship became. When we removed all of that unhealthy, outside influence, the added guilt and pressure to be something we’re not, and the expectation to fit into roles that didn’t suit us, we found that we really could enjoy being together. We went to counselling and with the guidance of someone who actually knew what she was doing, we worked on things together.

As I said before, I have spent years doing what others wanted me to do and believing that other people knew what was best for me-even more than I could know for myself until that autumn day, while walking the streets of Toronto my friend put me straight.

Today, I take great pride in my marriage because it has been forged with fire. Tested with tears and fights and moments where the desire to run hung as heavy in the air as an elephant would hang from a weeping willow.

This is our marriage. Our relationship. Our friendship. Our victory. It doesn’t belong to anyone else. It doesn’t belong to the church. It doesn’t belong to God. It doesn’t even belong to our counsellor. It is ours.

And, just as I couldn’t blame anyone else for where I found myself back then, I get to take the credit for where I am now.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.” –(Hamlet Act-1, Scene-III, 78–81)

I am in charge of my own life.

*

 

 

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

Bubbling Up

29 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

change, Empowerment, Energy, Exercise, Fibromyalgia, Hypothyroidism, Momentum, Planning, Preparation, Schedule, Slumps, Vegetables

I feel like I am, slowly, making progress upwards.

That part of me that has a bit of drive, ambition and focus towards reaching my goal is gaining some momentum again.

I ate well today, am drinking tonnes of water, starting regular exercise again and feeling totally positive about it all.

One thing I am learning is that, while I have momentum, I have to maximize it. Part of my Fibromyalgia and Hypothyroidism is going through regular slumps. These slumps have taken me down every time. But, I have really been working on finding ways to prepare for them and how to get through them retaining as many good habits as I possibly can.

I want to talk about Fibromyalgia for a moment as the fact that I suffer from this was, once again, made painfully aware to me when I was on the bus today.

I sat down in a seat that has a bar attached to it and the pressure of the bar against my leg caused excruciating pain. It was as though my entire leg was deeply bruised and someone was poking me with a stick. In fact, it hurt so much that I decided to stand-up in the end.

Both Fibromyalgia and Hypothroidism are huge energy-drains. This can make it really difficult to be healthy. I often don’t feel like I have the energy to stand up, let alone prepare healthy meals or, what the freaking hell do you mean by exercise.

These illnesses are double-edged swords. The best things you can do to fend-off the negative symptoms are to eat well and exercise. But, you try to pull yourself up to do this when you feel like you are half-dead, zero energy, no drive, in pain from head to foot and your brain has turned to mush.

But, I’m determined to find my way around these illnesses and build structure into my life that will help me grind the edges of both sides of this sword so that, every time it rears its ugly head, it cuts me up a little less and I’m able to heal and bounce-back a little quicker.

I’m excited about tomorrow. I’m looking-forward to drinking more water, eating more vegetables and enjoying some movement.

I want to ride the momentum of this fizz that is bubbling up inside of me, make the most of it, continue to learn and grow, and get better than the last time.

One day, this feeling will last longer and the slumps will diminish.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...
Follow seeking life now on WordPress.com

The Writer

Archives

  • November 2021
  • September 2020
  • September 2018
  • May 2018
  • January 2018
  • October 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • January 2017
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016

Blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • seeking life now
    • Join 67 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • seeking life now
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
%d bloggers like this: