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~ When life doesn't turn out as you had hope it would – It may not be 100% factual truth-but, it is 100% me.

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Tag Archives: Choices

A New Year

05 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts

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Accomplishments, Attitude, change, Changes, Childhood, Choice, Choices, Confidence, Control, Courage, Creativity, Determination, Diet, Dreams, Empowerment, Exercise, Friendship, Goals, Growth, Healing, Health, Healthy, Healthy Eating, Healthy Habits, High School, hope, Hopes, Inspiration, Journey, life, losing weight, Mature Student, Me, Memories, Memory, Nostalgia, nutrition, perseverance, Progress, Reflection, Reflections, School, University, Victory, Weight Loss, Writing

I know I have been extremely slack in writing. This will be no surprise to anyone who was followed or known me for any length of time. I have a history of writing faithfully for bursts of time, followed by not writing for a length of time, only to pick it up and start again. On and on the cycle goes.

The main reason for this is that there are many, many, many things I want to write about that involve other people and I am not quite ready to put the stories that include other people (even if I withhold names) out there just yet. But, that doesn’t mean the writing isn’t happening. I still have to go through the process of writing about what’s in my mind. I just can’t share it yet.

These stories invade my mind and I still have to allow myself the time to go through them and let the stories work themselves out before I can move on to something else.

This often includes a process of revisiting the past and sometimes even reaching-out to a long, lost, friend or just trying to come to terms with how an old relationship ended.

There has been a lot of this for me in the past 6 months as our move back home has brought-up many memories and experiences with which I still needed to process and come to terms.

I have also become a full-time university student, via distance ed., working towards a degree. This has been a dream of mine ever since I left High School, when depression and anxiety held me back from being able to attend university. It has been something I had always missed-out on and, being someone who loves school and loves to learn, had always dreamed I would be able to do.

Now I’m doing it and it feels great!

I am also continually improving my health and nutrition and constantly striving to treat myself well.

I feel great.

2018 is going to be a good year.

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The Decision to Move

22 Thursday Jun 2017

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Life Now

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Cancer, change, Changes, Choices, Courage, Family, Fear, Home, Hopes, Journey, life, Life Lessons, Loss, Love, Mourning, Moving, Pain, Reality, Reflections, Sepsis, Toronto, Truth

When my Mom phoned to let me know she had called an ambulance to bring my stepdad to the hospital, it was as if the world around me grew still, despite the fact that I was standing in the middle of a bustling Nathan Phillip’s Square in downtown Toronto at the very first Winter Festival being held there.

My husband, child and in-laws kept walking and I could see them pointing towards the ice skaters and, more excitedly, towards the Zamboni. But, my heart had sunk to my shoes and tears were streaming down my cheeks.

I didn’t want to spoil their moment, but I was feeling desperate. I just wanted to get away and be somewhere I could have a good cry. But, I didn’t want to scare my son.

I hung-up with my Mother and eventually rejoined my family. I explained what was going on to my husband while his parents entertained the kid. My gut instinct was to get in a plane and go be with my parents. However, this was very much complicated by the fact that our in-laws had flown all the way from New Zealand to be with us, we didn’t have any other vacation days (so I’d have to take a pay-loss), we were broke so I would have to borrow the money to go as it was, I and I have a 3-year old that I had to consider.

My husband calmed me and told me to just wait to hear some more news about what was going-on before I panicked too much.

It wasn’t until recently, when we moved-back to be with my parents, that I learned just how dire the situation was and just how terrified my parents had been. These are difficult things to convey over text or phone calls, I suppose.

When talking to my Mom in that week and a half, I was trying to discern from what she said and how she sounded whether, or not, they really needed me there.

After getting off the phone with her one evening I broke-down. When my husband came to see what was happening I sobbed “I hate feeling like I am waiting to get that nightmare call that we had better come now or it will be too late…”

My Stepdad had gone through 11 rounds of chemo for colon cancer, and this was the year after he had been flown to Ottawa for a triple bypass. Now, he was in hospital with sepsis and my Mother had said that they were struggling to keep his organs functioning.

I knew it was serious, but did not know how serious or how scared both of my parents were going-through this. I guess that’s a compliment to how well they handled it together. Still, I hate thinking that they had to go through it alone.

Once my Stepdad was out of the hospital, I said to my husband, through more sobbing one night: “I NEVER want to be in that position again. Having to ask my Mom to let me know when it got to the ‘you need to come now because he’s dying’ stage.”

I hated being in that position. I didn’t wan to wait until it was too late. I wanted to spend time with him while there was still time to spend. I wanted my son to be able to build memories of his grandparents of playing games, laughing over dinner, sharing ice cream treats and going for car rides and not just sitting in a hospital saying ‘goodbye’.

So, we made the decision to uproot our lives, and move home.

It was a decision that required a lot of sacrifice, and there are times I still can burst into tears when something I miss about our old home strikes or when my Son asks something like: “Can we go to the tick-tock park?” (A park we used to frequent behind city hall, where the large clock on old city hall, would chime on the hour).

But, the pain and the loss we experience over leaving the city that we all dearly loved pales in comparison to the pain and the loss we would feel if we had decided to stay and, instead, forfeited the time we now get to spend with family.

You just cannot put a price on that.

People say it all the time, but until you are staring it in the face it can be tough to comprehend;

life is short.

You have to look at what really matters to you and be prepared to move heaven and earth to make it happen.

It may be very difficult at times when we are missing our beloved city, but that is grief, not regret. I will never regret choosing time with my family over our life in the city.

We never know how much more time we have together. I’m determined to make the most of it.

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Mind Over Matter

30 Monday May 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

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Accomplishments, Attitude, Battle, Bloated, Body Image, Calories, Changes, Chocolate, Choice, Choices, Cravings, Decisions, Down, French Fries, Goals, Health, Healthy Eating, Healthy Habits, Lovin' It, perseverance, Progress, Salad, Victories, Weight Loss

I had been feeling really crummy about myself for over a week. I felt bloated and uncomfortable. It seemed like, just over night, all the hard work and positive feelings I had experienced were just gone. But, the past few days I have started to return to normal.

I saw a picture of myself, that my husband took yesterday while we were out at my son’s soccer practice, and could tell that I have lost weight. Also, my clothes are still fitting comfortably.

This is a win. I have been telling myself all the way through this miserable patch that, despite how I was feeling, I had made strides in the right direction, I had lost weight, I was looking better, clothes were fitting better and I was able to move with less pain. And, while telling myself these things did not take away the crummy feelings, it helped keep my head in the game. I was able to get through to myself with facts. ‘I know it doesn’t feel like it to you, but it’s fact because of a), b) and c).’

A group of nerdy girls I belong to on FB is doing a “Healthy Habit Challenge” again starting on Wednesday. I’ve done this before with them and it has been great to have the encouragement and support and be part of a fun community.

I’m really excited to just keep going on this journey. I’ve just been through a stormy patch and will write a bit more about it and my experiences as I go along. But, I wanted to say that the promise I had made to myself, to not allow myself to be so blinded that I can’t see improvement, has been paying-off. It meant I didn’t completely lose hope when I really wasn’t feeling it. This ultimate truth of ‘you are better than you were a month ago’ fortified me and held me steady, like an anchor.

I did get tossed-around a bit and ate more chocolate and carbs than I should have. I did go over my calorie budget for the last 2 weeks. BUT, it was nowhere near as bad as it has been in the past, and I did continue to make good choices. I even ordered a salad while out running errands on Saturday instead of looking towards the French fries!

This is a huge win for me. I had this whole conversation with myself while looking at the menu. It went something like this:

Me: But, we don’t go out very often. It’s a special treat. Surely, I deserve something yummy and “treat-like”.

Other Me: You DESERVE foods that will make you feel worse, ultimately, and make you fatter?

M: Well, I deserve to be able to eat something and enjoy myself.

OM: But, you ENJOY salad. Why can’t that be your special treat?

M: Because, I love French fries. I want French fries!!!

OM: But, French fries don’t love you back. They make you worse. They make you feel sad and gross.

M: Well…I guess that’s true. But, they taste so good at the time!

OM: You have said, numerous times over the past couple of months, when you’ve had a ‘treat’ how you didn’t really enjoy it and while eating wished that you had eaten an apple or salad instead. Well, here’s your chance to get it right the first time!

M: there is definite truth and logic to that.

OM: All the nutrients that will be in your salad, and how clean and fresh you will feel afterwards, compared to how you feel after French fries (which also don’t offer very much nutrition to you).

M: So, not only will I feel better after eating, I will also have the added bonus of knowing that my body is going to be more happy and healthy as well (even if I don’t even know all of the ways!).

OM: Exactly.

M: Sold! “I’ll have a salad, please!”

And I ate. And I was satisfied.

I’m glad I hadn’t ordered anything more. It would have been way too heavy. As it was, I only ate a small portion of the salad.

Mind over matter. The small victories I’ve been gaining for months are really starting to pay-off in the bigger battle of the bulge.

Lovin’ it.

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265 (Apr. 27) 267.3 (Apr. 28) Pizza, Art and Fran’s

28 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

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Art, Balance, Choices, Determination, Goals, Health, Healthy Habits, life, losing weight, Mindset, nutrition, Pizza, Weight Loss

I had pizza for dinner on Tuesday night from Papa John’s. Grilled Chicken, bacon, roma tomatoes and five-cheese. It was so delicious and I had 4 slices.

I stepped on the scale on Wednesday morning and was surprised to see 265-My goal weight!

However, I knew that the pizza hadn’t quite caught up with me, so kept my excitement at bay. Also, I knew that I had planned on having lunch with my husband before heading to the AGO to check-out some art.

We went to Fran’s, one of our favourite joints for lunch. If you live in Toronto, you will probably know about Fran’s. I ordered a “Big Breakfast” knowing that I had pizza last night and probably should have been “taking it easy” on the food-front…sausage, bacon, eggs, toast, home fries and pancakes! [sarcasm]

I ate 2 sausages, 1 bacon, a few bites of toast and eggs, all the home fries and both pancakes. I really love their home fries.

We spent the entire afternoon walking, but I guess fairly low-key, as my steps and calories didn’t seem to burn-out that quickly, despite the fact that I did.

Looking at art is amazing, but it’s actually very tiring as well. When I first arrived I was very teary and everything was making me cry. By the end, everything just started to look the same. This is when I knew it was time to leave, but not before finding the Renoir. I love Renoir. He is my favourite artist of all time.

When we finally made it home, after picking-up our son, I was utterly exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I warmed-up 2 leftover pieces of pizza for dinner and shared them with my son.

This morning when I stepped on the scale, my weight was back up to 267.3. Damn.

The temptation to feel disappointed in myself and go on a bender looms overhead. But, I know better now. There is no need for me to be disappointed. I am doing an incredible job and, I’m just going to keep going.

An important change of thinking for me is to not look at these meals as “mistakes” or with the mentality that I now have to “starve” or “be good” to make up for it, but to just treat them as any other meal. Like a normal person. I don’t have to feel guilty about choosing to have pizza one night instead of eggs and toast.

This is life. I made good choices in the midst of it all. I could have eaten more pizza than I did, but I stopped myself. I could have kept all the pizza for myself, but I shared it with my husband and child and I could have eaten my entire “big breakfast” despite feeling full/satisfied instead of stopping when I felt I had eaten enough.

265 is within reach and I will get there again. More important than that number, I tried some of my “summer” clothes on that I couldn’t fit a couple of months ago, and they fit comfortably now. And, even more important than the clothes, I am feeling good. I feel my body and I can tell there have been positive changes.

I’m still inspired to keep working on these life-long changes and am determined to work on things in little increments so that the changes will be long-lasting and truly transform my approach to food, health, weight loss and nutrition.

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Day? i’v e stopped keeping track

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

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Changes, Choices, Daylight Savings, Decisions, Low Energy, Over Calories, Overwhelmed, Stress, Vegetables, Victory, Weight Loss, Yoga

So, I’m nowhere near organized enough to do what I had originally planned and touch-base every day with my stats.

So, you’re going to get what you get for now.

I weighed in this morning at 269lbs. So, 1 lbs down from my previous check-in. I think this was, mostly, due to a decrease in appetite yesterday.

Today I have eaten to make up for it, so bye-bye 1 lbs lost.

I hate daylight savings. I was doing great and my energy was up and then BAM! It’s like someone pulled the carpet out from under me.

Suddenly, I’m thrust back into darkness in the mornings and my energy drops through the floor.

I haven’t been logging my food, either.

But, I can tell you that I had a chocolate glazed donut, 5 mini hershey squares and 4 blueberry waffles today. That’s not all I ate, of course, but that’s the unhealthy stuff.

I also had, about, 6 servings of vegetables. They were on 2 six inch subs from Subway and in our chicken fajitas tonight….so, I’m guessing my calorie intake is, probably, about 700 over my goal.

I have done a bit of exercise in the past couple of days, but really nothing major. I’m talking a few push-ups here, a 16 second plank there, 12 squats…

My work has been extremely stressful for me for several months and this week has, truly, had me run off my feet. The fact that I spend my day in a “spin” is part of why I’m struggling. Having to log food just feels like even more responsibility and work that I have to try and fit in, despite the fact that I’m not keeping-up with my job.

However, I know that I have to put some healthy boundaries in place and take care of myself. If I can’t make 30 minutes for myself every day, there is something seriously wrong.

So, despite the fact that I just made 4 blueberry waffles and am watching “The Amazing Race” with my husband, instead of returning to my hole on the couch, I came over to the table to write.

Another little victory.

Every time I make a good decision like this one, I feel it gives me strength to make even more good decisions.

Maybe I’ll even try a quick yoga session before bed tonight.

Little choices. Little victories. Little moments.

Lifelong changes.

 

 

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