Monthly Archives: June 2016

Summertime Dreaming

20 Monday Jun 2016

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There has been something magical about this summer. I’m not entirely sure how to describe it, except for, perhaps, the fact that I feel more present. 

I’ve been trying to be really aware of each moment. I try to be mindful of how I am feeling, my surroundings, how my surroundings make me feel, etc.

A few years ago (ok, more than a few!) when I had first moved to Toronto as a young,naive, small-town girl, it was the end of summer and I had never experienced such heat and humidity before.

I remember feeling hotter than I had ever felt before in my life. It felt torturous in the moment, and I thought I hated it, but lately I’ve been having very beautiful remembering a of these days.

Feeling soaked with sweat, listening to Alicia Keys singing “you give me butterflies…”, day dreaming about the person with whom I was currently in love, eating very little, the sweet smell that, mysteriously, fills the Toronto air during the summer…

And I’ve been reliving it and it feels like that part of my brain, the part that used to be a wild dreamer, is waking up again.

I had forgotten what it was like to live life on a dream. I was always dreaming about more, about what was around the other corner, about the adventures I was going to have, the places I was going to go and the incredible mysteries of life that were unfolding before me.

Somewhere along the way, I got lost.

It’s been incredibly fun rediscovering myself. Just as I have loved watching my little boy grow, learn and discover the world around me, I am enjoying the experience for myself as well.

Life is meant to be lived. It’s meant to be full of, well, life. But, for years now I have felt as though it was just a cloud that I was, kind of, sleepwalking through. There was nothing much that inspired me. Nothing that made me want to get up and explore. Perhaps it was that motherhood completely overwhelmed me, or that I have been “burnt out” for years and am just finally coming-through on the other side of both. 

But, whatever it is, I’m loving it and I’m having a lot of fun rediscovering myself, learning new things about myself, and growing stronger and healthier every day.

Maybe I just had to sweat it out.

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It’s Dad’s Day

19 Sunday Jun 2016

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It’s Father’s Day here in North America and I have been on the verge of tears all day. I feel sad, frustrated, scared, helpless and very far away from my entire family.

I have a father-in-law doing radiation treatments, a Dad who is going for major surgery this upcoming Friday and a Stepdad who is undergoing chemo as he battles colorectal cancer.

And I feel helpless about it all.

It is making this Father’s Day particularly difficult for me. I wish I could do more. This feeling of helplessness is exhausting me and I feel like my reaction to it is to become a deer in headlights-standing there, frozen, unable to do anything.

My Father-in-Law has always treated me like his very own daughter. Maybe the daughter he never had. He has an incredible way of always making me feel loved and welcome. I have never felt like a visitor in his presence, but always like family. From the first time I met him he made me feel special-like he was proud that I was the one his son had chosen. This is an incredible gift that has granted me much encouragement, inspiration and support through the years.

My Dad loves the outdoors. For the first 7 years of my life, I spent a lot of time camping, swimming, hiking, canoeing, fishing and just being outdoors. When I was very young, I used to love getting up early and sitting outside the house with him, watching the sunrise. To this day, the smell of coffee always brings me right back to those warm, red, sun-bathed memories. I learned  how to be quiet, how to let your thoughts and emotions be worked-out through physical activity. I learn from him how to be hardworking and to keep moving, no matter what.

My Stepdad has been my rock, my refuge and my safety. He is a true, ‘salt of the earth’ kind of man. He is a retired farmer. He took-over his Dad’s farm and poured his blood, sweat, and tears into the land and the livestock. I still remember the year he was finally able to purchase his ‘dream’ section of land. For his entire life, a beautiful section of land separated his fields, but the owner never wanted to sell. The year the owner finally sold it, I went out on the 4-wheelers as my Stepdad, puffed with pride, showed me his new land. He pointed-out the gorgeous flowers, the luscious grass, the perfect placement of the trees. On that day, I saw a a man’s dreams come to a meaningful completion.

All three of these men have strengthened my life, supported me, and encouraged me in who I am. And, here I sit-miles away from each of them-aware that they are all going through their own, unique, struggles and circumstances and feeling responsible and guilty for my lack of returned support.

I have enjoyed spending the day with my husband, the Daddy to our own, wonderful, child. But, it has been a really difficult day as well. If I could do anything for my Dad’s this Father’s Day, it would be to remove all their pain, illness, discomfort and fear. 

Everything else just feels so empty. 

But, for what it’s worth, I love you Dads.

252 Lighter than What?

17 Friday Jun 2016

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I am officially the lightest I’ve been since T was born. Not only that, but I am the lightest I’ve been since I began tracking my weight on LoseIt back in December 2012.

Soon, I will be waving the ’50’s bye-bye, saying “Hello 40’s, I don’t intend to stay long, because I’m on my way to the 30’s”.

It’s exciting to see the changes that have taken place not only in my body, but in my mind and emotions. I have been able to make the kinds of changes that will, hopefully, see this weight loss as a permanent one and not a flash in the pan like it has been in the past.

I am excited. I am losing weight and feeling great.

It’s incredible how much of a difference losing weight has made in my life. Oh, and on that topic, I should also mention that I have lost 23 lbs since I started this blog, which is pretty wonderful. 

I can’t wait to see how incredible I will feel after I lose the next 23.

Here I come, 40’s, I will see you soon.

Post Menstrual Syndrome

16 Thursday Jun 2016

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Sorry, boys. This one’s for the girls. 

Ok, I take that back. This one is for anyone who has ever gone through mensturation or been around anyone who has ever been through it. There may be some thoughts here that might help you.

I know that there have been a million jokes and articles written on the topic. But, most of this stuff is about PMS or Pre Menstrual Syndrome.

I’ve recently begun trying to research POST menstrual syndrome. This came-about from a year of me keeping track of my cycle, diet, stomach, head, pain levels, emotions and mental abilities. After tracking for months and months, I have discovered that I go into a deep slump directly AFTER my period. Leading-up to and during my period, I am positive, have energy, and am emotionally level.

But, immediately following this, I crash. And I crash hard.

I have ZERO energy, no focus, I’m extremely irritable, I struggle with food (thoughts of vegetables make me want to puke and all I want is carbs), and the world becomes dark and depressing.

So, I started looking into it. But, I’ve found that there really isn’t much out there about it. I am going to be bringing the information to my Dr in a couple of weeks to see what she says. One thing is for sure, I know it happens every month, I know when it happens, I know what issues, or side effects, it brings with it. So, I am going to work on preparing for next month. I want to think-ahead about what I can do to help myself get through the dark time better than I did before.

All the work I’ve been doing so far helped me come through this past week better than I have in the past, but there is still a long way to go. For example, I haven’t written here since the darkness fell and I was really missing it. But, I just couldn’t see anything but a dismal grey cloud. I couldn’t find my way through the cloud to write.

I hated it. Also, I have discovered it disrupts my month so much that, by the time I am ‘back to myself’, I only have 1 or 2 weeks/month when I feel like I’m fully myself and firing on all cylinders. Too much of my time is spent in a cloud, or trying to get out of one.

Last night I was determined to write – something. Anything. I couldn’t bear the thought of trying to produce something worth sharing, so I dug-out my journal and began to write. This broke the wall. I used to write in a journal every day, for over 15 years. I have 40 journals in storage full of memories, thoughts, prayers, dreams, poems and, well – me.

At this stage, I don’t have much help to offer anyone who is struggling, or knows someone who struggles, with the same issues. But, I will be able to share insights from my Dr, my own experience, and anything else I find online in the meantime. 

It’s time for the suffering to stop. 

258 Bye bye, Baby – Baby, bye bye.

05 Sunday Jun 2016

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I’m excited to say that I am now, officially, the lightest I’ve been since T was born. It feels great. 

Let me clarify. It’s 2.5 years later, I know it’s not “baby” weight. But, it is ‘baby’ weight. After T was born, I struggled and because I was finding everything so difficult, I told myself that I could eat whatever I “needed” to in order to survive the days. 

For weeks in a row, I’d eat mostly peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, toast and chips. Comfort food. And, so, while it wasn’t, technically, the baby weight, it was weight I gained because I had a baby. Also, because of the c-section (after I had gone through labor), my body was incredibly weak with my core having been, literally, cut open. 

Now I can say, the baby weight is all gone.

But, more importantly, that mentality is gone (or, at least is well on its way out). I no longer tell myself that I “deserve” food for any reason. That’s not what food is for. Food is for sustenance-it is fuel. Yes, it is enjoyable as well, but I have been teaching myself to keep its primary purpose at the forefront.

When I’m thinking about eating something, what it has to offer me from a nutriotional standpoint is an important factor in the decision. I have been realizing how much eating healthy foods really does make me feel better (I know…big shocker, right?). So, why would I have a chocolate bar, when I could have an apple that, not only tastes great, but will leave me feeling better. 

I have also been working on dropping the ‘spousal comparison game’. Perhaps you know this one…the commentary that constantly streams in your head that says things like: I am always the one who…I did it last time, why should I?…I wish I could just lie around…and on and on. This approach is living life constantly looking at what’s going on in the lane beside me instead of living my own life. I have been trying to focus on my own lane.

While I have been focusing on losing weight in 5 lbs increments, I am excited that I only have 6 lbs to go until I will be the lightest I have been since I first started tracking my weight on LoseIt in December 2012.

That will be a landmark moment for me and I cannot wait to turn that corner.

253, here I come!

I Hate to See You Go

03 Friday Jun 2016

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I had the joy of being able to drop my child at day care today. At least, it started out as a joy. It soon became one of the toughest, saddest, most horrible moments I’ve ever had as a mother.

We were early leaving today which meant I was so excited at the opportunity to be able to go with my husband to bring my son to day care. “T” was so excited that Mommy was coming with him for a change. The 3 of us strolled along, chatting, in a perfect reverie. As we arrived at daycare, I smiled as I watched my child run down the path towards the front door, skipping and hopping with excitement.

When the door was opened for us, he did a little skip-hop and he was off like a bullet towards the elevator. Arriving on the floor where the toddler room was, he burst out of the elevator.

This is where our joyous morning started to turn sour.

There was a man fixing something in the toddler bathroom with an electric drill. T is nervous when it comes to loud and unfamiliar sounds. He started whimpering, rushed back to where I was and clung to my leg.

“Look, buddy, he’s fixing something in the bathroom with an electric drill.” As he began to whimper more loudly and tightened his grip on my leg, I added, “It’s just like Daddy’s.” Hoping that bringing some familiarity to the situation would ease his anxiety. It didn’t work. When the man pulled out a hammer, his tension eased, as T has 2 hammers he uses at home all the time. So, this was more familiar to him.

He eventually went up the stairs and into the room. Once there, he met one of his teachers who was adding water into a little pool filled with plastic fish. There were 2 fishing rods sitting on the side of the pool and T and I began to try to catch us some of the magnetic fish. We laughed and shared a little bit of fun before he was off and grabbing one of the shopping carts.

Now it is time for Mommy and Daddy to go. Daddy gives a hug and says goodbye and then T comes to Mommy and starts crying : “Mommy, don’t go!” I give him a big hug and kiss, say “I love you” and put him down. He immediately starts crying. “NO! Don’t go. Don’t leave!” and he’s gripping at my legs and trying to pull himself back up into my arms.

Now, he is wailing. And our child doesn’t often cry. My heart is breaking and I just want to swoop him up and tell him I’m never going to leave. Instead, I try to calmly say “What’s going on, Buddy?” He just continues to wail “Don’t go! Don’t leave me!” and now, I am broken.

I try to distract him with all the fun things he has to look-forward to during the day: “You can go fishing. You can play with the cars. You can tell everyone about soccer. ..” Nothing is working.

The teacher says “Ok, one more hug and then time to go”. Now, I’m feeling heartbroken, judged and anxious. I give him a few big squeezes, a bunch of kisses and tell him I love him.

I put him down, but he clings to my legs as though he were falling off a cliff.

And then I do something I wish to never have to do again. I push him away from me. “I love you, Buddy! But, I have to go.”

“Nooooo!” he wails, face beat red, tears streaming down his face.

The instant I release my hand, ‘thawump’, he’s suctioned against my legs again. I take a deep breath and push him away a second time. I can still feel his beating chest against my fingers as they attempt to release myself from his grasp.

“Buddy, I love you. But, I have to go.”

This goes on for, what feels like, an eternity. I push him away, he returns. I push him away, he returns.

I push him away.

It’s all I can remember. It’s all I feel. It’s all I can think about.

I pushed him away.

This goes against every fibre of my being. This goes against the deep, raging, maternal instincts within me. And, although I’m sure he had moved on before I even hit the end of the street and then, probably, never thought of it again, I have.

It left a deep wound on my Mothers heart.

And so, tonight I made the absolute most of my time with him. I listened to him closely, held him tightly, sang songs, played games, told stories and then we had some special cuddle time in Mommy and Daddy’s bed before heading to his.

And, as he cupped my face in his little hands, saying “I yuv you, Mommy” before planting a kiss on my forehead, he pulled me close.

He pulled me close.

He pulled me close, he pulled me close.

He brought me home – back to where I belong.

We were together again.

He pulled me close.

 

 Sit STILL…

02 Thursday Jun 2016

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One thing I don’t do very much of these days that I used to do all the time, is practicing the art of being still. Back when I was a Christian and heavily involved in church, worship and spirituality, I spent a lot of time sitting quietly. Meditating. Talking to God. Hoping he was there.

There is less of a reason to sit still these days. Or, so it seems.

It’s true that I, no longer, have this idea of a god with whom to sit and be still. I no longer need to spend time spouting off laundry lists of requests, or endless platitudes to prove how much I love him.

But, I am learning there are still plenty of reasons to sit still. To be still and know…

To be still and know…that the building across the street from our deck is gorgeous when it is bathed in the light from the setting sun.

To be still and know…that summer came after a long, difficult, winter and the trees have blossomed into gorgeous green boughs.

To be still and know…that I am ok. I have a safe place to live, I am well fed, I have a family who loves me, I have a job that pays the basic necessities of life, that my son is healthy and happy, and that I have a comfortable bed waiting for me.

Sometimes I still want to use the phrase “I am blessed”. Because I feel blessed. Not in a spiritual way, or as though these are gifts from God. But, my life is a privilege compared to what many others have to face and I don’t take that knowledge for granted.

I need to sit still and think about these things. To think about all the incredible things I have. The places I’ve been, the people I’ve known and the things I’ve done.

Sitting still and reflecting on these things puts my current circumstances into perspective. 

I have been blessed.

I am blessed.

Even if it’s just blessed by chance, or circumstances, or biology. 

I want to write more. But, it’s nearly impossible to write when I fill all of my time with sound, with screens, with social media and all the noises of the day.

I wanted to challenge myself for 6 weeks to write every day. I am learning that this will be impossible if I am constantly moving and filling my mind with stimuli. 

And so, I sit.

I forgot how beautiful this world could be.

263 Healthy Habit Challenge

01 Wednesday Jun 2016

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I’m so excited to be starting a 6 week health and fitness challenge with a great group of lady nerds. 

Here’s what the challenge entails for me:

30 minutes non-stop exercise every day.

Drinking 3L of water every day.

Eating 1700, or less, calories every day.

Eating, at least, 3 veggie servings every day.

Giving up all diet soda for 6 weeks (in, yet, another attempt to give it up once and for all)

Writing a little bit every day, even if it’s just a private journal entry.

Attempting 8 hours uninterrupted sleep (no screens).

I went through that time recently when I felt really bloated and was super uncomfortable in my body. But, I’ve come through the other side of it and, when I see my reflection, am blown away by the changes I see in my body. I am enouraged and proud of myself for remaining mindful and being able to talk myself through the struggle without letting it completely derail me.

But, this challenge is coming at a perfect time because I was feeling my momentum waning. The women in my group are so encouraging and inspirational that it’s just the boost I need to propel me forward.

I missed my May 30 goal of 260, but I’m aiming to be there by the end of next week.

I really want to do better at writing as well. My writing is becoming boring. I’m bored writing it. I know the reason for this is that things have been really busy and stressful in my life and I haven’t allowed myself the space and time I need in order to be more creative. 

But…that might be changing.

Watch this space.