Tag Archives: Confidence

A New Year

05 Friday Jan 2018

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I know I have been extremely slack in writing. This will be no surprise to anyone who was followed or known me for any length of time. I have a history of writing faithfully for bursts of time, followed by not writing for a length of time, only to pick it up and start again. On and on the cycle goes.

The main reason for this is that there are many, many, many things I want to write about that involve other people and I am not quite ready to put the stories that include other people (even if I withhold names) out there just yet. But, that doesn’t mean the writing isn’t happening. I still have to go through the process of writing about what’s in my mind. I just can’t share it yet.

These stories invade my mind and I still have to allow myself the time to go through them and let the stories work themselves out before I can move on to something else.

This often includes a process of revisiting the past and sometimes even reaching-out to a long, lost, friend or just trying to come to terms with how an old relationship ended.

There has been a lot of this for me in the past 6 months as our move back home has brought-up many memories and experiences with which I still needed to process and come to terms.

I have also become a full-time university student, via distance ed., working towards a degree. This has been a dream of mine ever since I left High School, when depression and anxiety held me back from being able to attend university. It has been something I had always missed-out on and, being someone who loves school and loves to learn, had always dreamed I would be able to do.

Now I’m doing it and it feels great!

I am also continually improving my health and nutrition and constantly striving to treat myself well.

I feel great.

2018 is going to be a good year.

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250.4 My Life in Lbs

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

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I am getting excitingly close to leaving the 50’s and entering the 40’s.

I decided to take a look at my weight loss to date and figured-out that I am getting close to a 50 lb landmark.

It depends on which number I choose to look at, which is complicated a bit by the pregnancy/birth of my son.

Here’s my chart from Lose It:

Chart

 

My son was born October 17, 2013 and while still pregnant I had last weighed-in at 315 lbs.

After he was born, I got down to 283.5 on November 14th, 2013, but as you can see it went up from there for a while.

There’s a weird spike to 295 on March 25, 2014, but since there’s a previous mark that is 292.6 on January 2, 2014, I choose to pick an average there of 293 and just say that on January 1, 2014 I was 293 lbs.

With that little explanation, here’s a quick synopsis:

Jan. 1, 2014  (293 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) = 13 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) = 4 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) to Aug. 10, 2016 (250.4 lbs) = 25.6 lbs lost

Total lbs lost = 42.6

Getting so close to 50 lbs down.

I love this graph because it reflects a journey that hasn’t been easy, but I look it and see that I have never given-up. I look at it and I see hard work, perseverance, lessons learned, changes made, struggles, victories, tears of joy, tears of shame and, most beautifully, the creation and birth of my son.

To look at this chart is to see my life-the spikes represent times when life was difficult, dark times when I struggled to get out of bed in the morning and to eat anything other than toast, chips, chocolate and cookies. You can see times when the clouds seem to have parted and I go ‘great guns’ and drop a bit, only to rebound and hit another spike.

But, the general trend has been downwards and recently, the trend is pretty impressive. I have, clearly, learned a lot through my journey.

This morning I am feeling encouraged. I feel strengthened and validated in my pursuit of health.
I am not perfect. But, when I look at my life in lbs, I see a warrior who refuses to be defeated and is constantly honing her skills as she levels up and prepares to, once and for all, take down the big boss.

Yo Momma’s so Fat…

25 Monday Jul 2016

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These words haunt me like the ghost of Christmas yet-to-come.

 Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell “taxi!”

Yo mama is so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica.

Yo mama is so fat she can’t even jump to conclusions.

 

When you’re trying to lose weight, one of the things that you are supposed to do is come-up with “the big Why”. Why do you want to lose weight? Why are you willing to make sacrifices? Why are you going to get up and exercise when you really don’t want to? Why are you going to choose a side salad instead of fries?

The big Why.

I have really struggled with a clear answer to this. But, one thing that can bring some motivation to me to move beyond myself, put down that french fry and pick-up the salad fork, is my son.

I hate the thought that I will be a weapon that other children will use to hurt him. Especially since the taunts will have so much truth to them if I stay as I am now.

I don’t want to think that he will, at any time, be embarrassed of me because of how I look. I know he will be embarrassed about how “uncool” I am at some point (that is inevitable with teenagers), and I will take great delight in purposefully finding ways to make him groan “Moooom” at some point, like singing in public or trying to get a kiss from him in front of his mates.

But, I don’t want him to be embarrassed because I’m fat. In the very least, if the kids are taunting him because of how I look, I want him to know that his momma has worked really hard to be fit and healthy and that it is nothing of which to be ashamed or embarrassed.

 “Yo momma’s so fat…she wasn’t able to play with you much as you grew up and you both missed-out on a lifetime of fun, happy, memories and you weren’t able to do a lot of things you should have been able to do because no one was fit enough to take you…”

Ok, it doesn’t roll-off the tongue like the other things, but it is a tape that plays over-and-over in my head every day. I don’t want this to be our future together.

I want to lose weight for my son so that I can do things with him as he grows up:  Amusement park rides, spelunking, rock climbing, cycling, swimming, go-karts, running, playing sports, kayaking, scuba diving…whatever it is that he wants to do, I want to be able to do it with him.

He’ll need someone to go on rides with him at amusement parks, but there’s no way they will let me go because they won’t be able to secure the bar for him because of how big I am.

“I’m sorry, buddy, we can’t go on that ride because Mommy’s too fat.”

“I’m sorry, dude, I don’t fit in go-karts. I’m too fat.”

“We can’t do that cave, sweetie. I’m too fat to fit through the tunnel.”

I’m sorry, love. Mommy’s too fat to climb that wall with you.”

The ghost of things to come is not a pleasant one.

So, like Scrooge McDuck (what? you know…from The Muppet Christmas Carol…that well-loved movie that uses a well-crafted story line, delightful characters and upbeat music to teach a valuable lesson?), I’m wanting to learn from what I see in my future and make the necessary changes to avoid such a miserable state from actually coming to pass.

It’s not my only big “why” (and so some would argue, that it’s not a “real” big why because some people feel like the big “why” has to be just ONE, sole, reason—I totally disagree, by the way), but it’s a pretty good one.

I have already made some headway in this big “why”: Although I’m not totally comfortable, I have more confidence to put on a swimsuit and take him to the pool–something I have been too nervous or self-conscious to do for most of his 2 1/2 years. When I take him to soccer, I’m happy to be out on the field kicking-around a ball with him instead of hiding behind his stroller where no one can see me. When we go to the park, I climb the structures and even go down the slides with him. I’m not the most comfortable doing it, but I’ve already gained some confidence and abilities back that had been lost for awhile and I’m just looking-forward to increasing this list so that there is nothing that is holding me back.

“Yo Momma’s so fat…ugh…um…hmph. I don’t know. What can’t your momma do?”

Now, that’s more like it.

Time to Begin Again…Again

24 Sunday Jul 2016

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This seems like a constant theme in my life…I do really well for a stretch of time, then crash for a stretch of time and the cycle repeats.
I like to think that every “crash” is becoming shorter and less damaging. And, I believe that there is probably truth to that. But, it is still super frustrating when I finally get to the point where I am feeling gross, bloated, uncomfortable, unhappy and unhealthy and I find myself saying, as I did to my husband this afternoon: 
“I don’t understand it. I feel so good when I am eating well, excercising and getting regular sleep. I feel so much better than how I feel now. And, I know that this is going to be the case. So, why do I keep going off and doing things that make me feel gross?”
As I posted previously, sleep is a big part of that. Which is why it is 9:40pm and I have chosen to NOT play Minecraft tonight, am typing this and then have my plan in place for going upstairs to get ready for bed.
I feel over-saturated in pop, chips, chocolate, pizza and junk. I am longing for fruits, veggies, smoothies, water and hard boiled eggs. And so, tomorrow I will begin again…again.
My husband and I agreed today that we will become a pop/chips-free household. But, holding to this is the tough part. We’ve said it many times before and have never been able to hold to it. But, I don’t want my son growing-up with these hassles. Thankfully, he does NOT have a sweet tooth. He doesn’t like chocolate, candy, cookies, ice cream or cakes of any sort.
Pop is really the key for me. I can trick myself into thinking ‘it’s not that bad’–I only drink diet, so calories aren’t an issue–and I only have 1-2/day (if even). But, the problem is that I like my pop WITH things. I don’t like just drinking a pop on its own. I like to have toast, chips, bagels, etc. with my pop. This makes the calories add-up and increases the cravings.
There is also proof that the artificial sweeteners found in diet drinks increases the desire for sweet foods (and carbs/salt) making it a vicious cycle. 
I have tried just proclaiming that I am someone who “doesn’t drink pop”, but have always caved on being that person. I want to try again tomorrow. And see if I can go the entire week. 
My husband said that we would reserve pop and chips for road trips and vacations. So, we’ll see how that goes. We are going camping this upcoming weekend. I have half a dozen Diet Pepsi in the fridge. Let’s see if I can make them last until the camping.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Until then, my plan is to fill myself with lots of fruits, veg, lean proteins and water tomorrow in an attempt to get things back on track. I miss feeling better, healthier, happier and fitter.
But, I know that it’s only a few days of good decisions away and I’m totally ready to begin again…again.

Prom

25 Thursday Feb 2016

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To this day I can’t remember what kind of reasoning or excuse I must have given to my  prom date (who also happened to be my brother) when I drove us to my teacher’s house before heading to the prom.

This action is something that plagued me with intense self-disdain and embarrassment for years.

‘How completely ridiculous am I that I did something like that?’

As an adult I can understand why I did it and I have been telling myself to cut the teenage me a break.

My home life was not stable and could be fairly volatile at times. This teacher was one of the few people in my life that made me feel safe.

I was attending prom despite the fact that I desperately did not want to go. I had never been interested in attending a prom. But, it seemed important to my mother that I attend, and then my brother offered to go with me and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or let anyone down (see my “People Pleaser” post).

Because I felt like I had zero control over anything and was about to walk into a world that I believed would chew me up and spit me out like I was yesterday’s gum, I needed to see a friendly face.

I went to his house to get some confidence.

If he said that everything was going to be great and that I looked lovely, then just maybe, I could survive the horror that lay-before me.

When I look-back on photos of my prom I’m always struck by how much I look like the ghost of an old grandma who died on the way to a wedding. Truthfully.

Our prom theme was, perhaps, the most disgusting theme ever used for a prom: “Truly, Madly, Deeply” based on that, ‘oh so amazing’ (makes me want to puke to this day), song by ‘Savage Garden’. We didn’t walk in the grand march, but I think we watched everyone else doing it as that horrible song played over and over and over again.

While at prom I did have some fun, despite myself. My brother and I danced a fair amount. He was incredible and kept saying things like: “Let’s show these assholes how to dance’.

I think I ditched him pretty unceremoniously at the end. I can’t really remember the chain of events, but I don’t think I stuck-around prom for that long. I remember going to a friend’s house afterwards and eating a crap load of junk food while watching a movie or something.

Most of me just wanted to forget that the whole, horrible, night had ever happened.

But, years later, after being able to forgive myself for the stupid things I did when I was a lost teenager, searching desperately for security, acceptance and self, I think back on my prom and the words that come to mind are not that it was lame, torturous, unimportant or stupid.

Now, when I think about that night, these are the words that float to the top: My brother is amazing. He loves me so much that he was willing to do that for me.

And, we really did show those assholes how to dance.

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