Tag Archives: Disappointment

The Best of Times/The Worst of Times

12 Wednesday Apr 2023

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I frequently have dreams that place me in various times and places of my “previous lives” with people I haven’t seen for years.

There was, what is now, a short period of my life that has had an enormous impact on me. By the amount of emotional and mental baggage it has left, you would think it spanned more than 15 years, when, in reality, it was around 5.

Spanning the years between (roughly) 2001-2007, I lived an incredibly exhilarating and intense life that left me feeling burnt-out, beat-down, and deflated. Though, not right away. Some of this settled-in over the years as I reflected on the life that I have lived, the experiences I had, and how horribly underprepared and unqualified I was for so many moments I found myself living.

I’m going to attempt to unravel this time of my life that has kept me tied in knots for over 15 years now.

This is me just putting it out there and starting the process for myself.

Watch this space.

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250.4 My Life in Lbs

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

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I am getting excitingly close to leaving the 50’s and entering the 40’s.

I decided to take a look at my weight loss to date and figured-out that I am getting close to a 50 lb landmark.

It depends on which number I choose to look at, which is complicated a bit by the pregnancy/birth of my son.

Here’s my chart from Lose It:

Chart

 

My son was born October 17, 2013 and while still pregnant I had last weighed-in at 315 lbs.

After he was born, I got down to 283.5 on November 14th, 2013, but as you can see it went up from there for a while.

There’s a weird spike to 295 on March 25, 2014, but since there’s a previous mark that is 292.6 on January 2, 2014, I choose to pick an average there of 293 and just say that on January 1, 2014 I was 293 lbs.

With that little explanation, here’s a quick synopsis:

Jan. 1, 2014  (293 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) = 13 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2015 (280 lbs) to Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) = 4 lbs lost

Jan. 1, 2016 (276 lbs) to Aug. 10, 2016 (250.4 lbs) = 25.6 lbs lost

Total lbs lost = 42.6

Getting so close to 50 lbs down.

I love this graph because it reflects a journey that hasn’t been easy, but I look it and see that I have never given-up. I look at it and I see hard work, perseverance, lessons learned, changes made, struggles, victories, tears of joy, tears of shame and, most beautifully, the creation and birth of my son.

To look at this chart is to see my life-the spikes represent times when life was difficult, dark times when I struggled to get out of bed in the morning and to eat anything other than toast, chips, chocolate and cookies. You can see times when the clouds seem to have parted and I go ‘great guns’ and drop a bit, only to rebound and hit another spike.

But, the general trend has been downwards and recently, the trend is pretty impressive. I have, clearly, learned a lot through my journey.

This morning I am feeling encouraged. I feel strengthened and validated in my pursuit of health.
I am not perfect. But, when I look at my life in lbs, I see a warrior who refuses to be defeated and is constantly honing her skills as she levels up and prepares to, once and for all, take down the big boss.

257 And Feeling Fantastic

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

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257 is a number I never wanted to see on my scale again. And yet, there it was. 2 mornings in the past 4 days. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t bother me at all, because I am disappointed.

But, it’s just disappointment.

I am not feeling guilty, ashamed, regretful or down on myself. I’m not calling myself names and moaning about how I failed again, etc.

Instead, my reaction has been: “Ok, that happened. Yes, it sucks. Move on.”

I feel fantastic. I feel even stronger and more prepared to avoid the pitfalls in the future. I’ve been exercising daily and back on a healthy eating track. I am aware that I need to keep an eye-out for warning signs that I am pushing myself too hard, too fast. I have, once again, increased my veggie/fruit intake and am increasing healthy proteins.

I went through one menstrual cycle without a major crash. I had increased my protein intake leading-up to, during and for a short time after menstruation to ensure that my energy had a bit of a boost. I also doubled my iron supplements during the bleeding time. I was so glad when I didn’t go into the same crash as before.

It’s exciting to me to see all the ways I have grown, the lessons I have learned that seem to be helping me develop a truly, holistic, long-lasting lifestyle that will allow me to really keep it up so that I can, not only, continue to lose weight, but will be able to maintain the loss.

Part of the journey has been allowing myself to make mistakes without beating myself up about it. Embracing failure has really revolutionized my weight loss.

I evaluate the times I’ve slipped by asking myself questions like these:

What were the warning signs?
What could I have done differently to set myself up to make a better decision?
When did I first realize that I was doing something that wasn’t the best for me?
Why didn’t I stop it at that stage?
What could I do to empower myself to stop and refocus on something healthy?
What do I need to do to prepare for the next time this happens?
What are some tools I can have ready to go so that when I see it approaching, I will be able to, easily, grab what I need to avoid the pitfall?

Yes, I’m 257 again, but I’m smarter, more aware, stronger, more prepared and truly am feeling fantastic about the path that lies before me.

 

Money! Money! Money!

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

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Money! Money! Money!

I’m 35 and I don’t own a house, a car, or anything of real monetary value. We don’t live extravagant lifestyles- we very rarely go out, we order in a few times a month, we aren’t regular drinkers (and by that, I mean that I have, maybe, 4 mojitos/year and my husband probably averages 1 beer/month), we don’t smoke or partake in any other kind of drug/narcotic, we don’t buy fashion/designer anything, we don’t purchase games, music, or pay for new tech equipment regularly, we buy the cheapest groceries and sale items habitually.

And yet, we live pay cheque to pay cheque and have a significant amount of debt that we are, basically, maintaining (as in, we’re not increasing or decreasing it).

Yes, we have a child and yes, we pay for day care. We have already acknowledged that when he is in school we will have a little bit more breathing room financially.

But, we see other people with children who can afford: car, vacation, expensive clothing, expensive tech gadgets, expensive groceries, home repairs, household purchases (like furniture, appliances), go on regular dates and other kinds of weekends/trips/excursions.

When I hear people who party, go on trips every weekend, don’t have any children and make more money than I do complain about ‘not having money’ it just drives me bonkers. We are hard-working, simple-living, just trying to make ends meet, people. And we struggle every single day.

Does it sound like I’m whining?

Maybe I am, a little bit.

But, I know that, at the end of the day, we are responsible for where we are financially. It’s not anybody’s fault but our own that we: are in low paying jobs, have a child in day care (though, this was still more financially sound than me staying home with him), chose to move from NZ to Canada and the list goes on of personal choices that have landed us in this position.

We dug this hole ourselves. Well, for the most part. There are, obviously, circumstances out of everyone’s control that pop-up in life and require $$ that we would have chosen to use differently.

There is that old saying “money can’t buy happiness” on which I’ve always gone back and forth. There are times I agree with it and other times when I disagree.

I don’t have money. Am I happy? Generally speaking, I think I am for the most part.

However, would I be happier if I didn’t have to live by such a strict budget, If we had less financial burden, more disposable income, the ability to go on regular vacations and buy a $60 household item without a month of debating whether we REALLY need it, or not, only to inevitably decide we can continue to make due without it because, although it would be great and make our lives so much more enjoyable, it’s not an absolute necessity?

Ugh, yeah, I think so.

Doesn’t that kind of mean that money can and does buy happiness?

But, then I flip the coin and I wonder if we, as humans, always want more no matter how much we already have.

If we were out of debt, had a car, could afford a vacation every year, and could buy $60 items without having a mild panic attack, would we just continue to want more to make us happy? Yes, we have this, but now I want…a house, a new sofa set, a new tv…

Maybe the quote should actually say: “money can’t buy ultimate happiness” or “money can’t buy nirvana”. Because, no matter how much money you have, there will always be unhappiness and there will always be other things you want, want to do, etc. There will always be more. We will always be striving to some extent.

If I were more mathematically, scientifically, minded, I would love to be the person who creates a method for measuring happiness. And pain, actually (but that’s a different topic for another blog).

If I were to get $10,000 (for example) I could be completely debt-free. That would bring me to a 4.8 on the ‘money bought happiness’ scale. If I made an extra $2/hr, it bumps me to a 5.1 on the ‘money bought happiness’ scale and so forth. If I had a monthly disposable income of $2000 or more, I would be at a 5.4 on the scale.

And, I’d have a Noble Prize or something and be super happy.

But, alas, I am not that intelligent, nor do I have the energy to invest in such research. I barely even had the focus to write the paragraph above with horribly (not) thought through numbers in it.

But, thankfully, there are people who have the intelligence, energy and resources to put into these kinds of questions and here are a few interesting articles about it:

http://time.com/money/2802147/does-money-buy-happiness/

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-money-buy-happiness/

http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2013/05/10/money-does-buy-happiness-says-new-study/#73fa309b40b5

The Diet Pepsi that almost Wasn’t

08 Friday Apr 2016

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Just a funny, little, tale about my morning so far. Written for a friend who shares my affinity for drinking Diet Pepsi in the morning instead of coffee.

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I debated with myself whether, or not, I wanted to stop at the Tim Horton’s on my way to work this morning. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I would stop, because I really wanted a Diet Pepsi to kick-off Friday and the expectation of a great weekend.

I entered Tim Horton’s excited and expectant to enjoy that cold, sharp, biting fizz of the Diet Pepsi.

I ordered a breakfast sandwich and the lady said to me “would you like a drink with that?” to which I replied “oh, yes. A Diet Pepsi, please!”

Another staff member, upon hearing my request, went to the fridge and began to search for a Diet Pepsi.

“We don’t have any”, she declared.

My heart sunk into my shoes.

The woman serving me at the counter repeated the bad news: “We don’t have any. We have 7up?”

“No, thank you” I said mournfully.

And then, I got an idea. Perhaps, just maybe…

“Are there some in the back?” I asked, with a glimmer of hope in my voice.

The lady at the counter shook her head and added “No, the truck just arrived”.

My shoulders collapsed and my chin shrunk down towards my chest.

I paid for my sandwich and moved to the side to wait for it. As I waited, I was determined to not let it bring me down. I was also plotting alternatives. I opened up my change purse and began to count to see if I had, at least, enough to get a can of Diet Coke from the vending machine at work.

$0.95

Darn it.

‘Oh, well’, I thought, ‘I’m not going to let it get me down.’ And I returned to humming a song I had heard earlier while cuddling with my son.

SLAM!

The sound of something heavy being dropped to the floor pulled me out of my reverie.

‘Could it be?’ I thought to myself.

‘Did they just bring in…’

“We have it now.” A voice breaks-in to my thought and I see, standing before me, such a glorious site. A Tim Horton’s employee standing there, case of Diet Pepsi in her arms, welcoming me to come and partake of the bounty.

“Do you want some?” The sweetest words I’ve ever heard.

“Oh, yes, please!” I exclaim with, perhaps, just a little too much joy. “May as well make it two since I’m using my debit card” I add, trying to appear level headed and rational about it all.

She began to put the information into the register, an obvious look of amusement across her face.

Feeling the need to justify my intense reactions to the events of the last five minutes, I say: “Some people drink coffee in the morning. I drink pop.”

“Good for you” she replies, with the trace of a chuckle in her voice.

Deciding now to just embrace the craziness of being as desperate as I was for a morning Diet Pepsi, I say: “Thank you. You have made my day”.

And with a happy heart, and two bottles of Diet Pepsi in my bag, I headed for work, enormous grin on my face the entire way.

High School Almost Killed Me

28 Sunday Feb 2016

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When I was 18, I over-dosed on Gravol and a few other things that I found in the cabinet.
I remember the morning as clearly as though it was yesterday.

I was tired. So, very tired.

I had just managed to scrape-through some of the roughest 3 weeks of my life. These 3 weeks were full of disappointments, let-downs, heartaches, hurtful practical jokes and endings. It was my last year of school and I was already feeling the grief of all that was being lost.

I didn’t set-out to kill myself in particular. I just wanted a break. I just wanted to be able to get-away from all the pain for a day.
To just sleep-through it all.

As the meds started to set-in I began to worry ‘what if I don’t wake-up?’ I took-out my journal and jotted-down some notes to my loved ones (just in case), and I called my Music Teacher to let him know I wouldn’t be at school or band practice that night.

And then…it all went black…

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As a, so-called, “Highly Sensitive Person”, I am amazed at how I’ve managed to make it through the turbulent waters of life.

Though, it’s certainly true that I haven’t come-through it unscathed. I have the scars to prove that I have embraced life in all its guts and glory.

This article is a good place to start on my journey because it sets the scene for who I am and how I experience the world.

Once again, for fellow HSP’s out there, or anyone who lives with an HSP, check-out the Huffington Post article:

16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People

People Pleaser

20 Saturday Feb 2016

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“If you think you can get away with it, you can.”

That’s what my brother said to me many years ago when I saw a girl wearing green camo-style khakis and a blue top and said “I’d never be able to wear that”.

I had been raised with many “to do’s” and “not to do’s” of fashion: never wear horizontal stripes, they make you look fat; white should never be worn after labor day; and, of course, “blue and green should never be seen”.

So, on this particular day when I was looking longingly at this girl who looked great, seemed comfortable and exuded confidence, his words rocked me to my core.

‘I can wear what I want?’

This question, of course, was just a shadow of the deeper struggle going on: ‘I want to be this, but I feel forced to be this .’

I grew-up as a person who wanted to please everyone – a trait that still hangs around my neck like a boulder the size of Texas. I hate letting people down. I hate not living-up to expectations. I hate making mistakes. I hate upsetting people.

So, it has been a pretty huge learning curve for me in life to learn that, no matter how much I try to avoid it, I am going to do some, or all, of it many, many, many times.

Sometimes I feel like I missed the lesson on ‘how to think for yourself’ that everyone else got in life. It’s not that I don’t have my own thoughts, I certainly do, but I only allow them out into the world if it means that it’s going to please people. If I think that it will upset people, I generally will keep it to myself.

This is a huge problem.

It leaves me feeling invisible a lot of the time. I’m afraid to be myself for fear of disappointing people.

I’m not sure when it all started. It could have been when my parent’s divorced and I began to worry that it happened because I wasn’t good enough, or if I could only be perfect maybe I’d see my Dad more often; or when adults would tell me, a child, about their struggles and I felt it was my responsibility to take care of them and make them feel better; or in school when everyone is just trying to be accepted and fit-in so you do and say what you think your peers want. Most likely it’s been a combination of all of the above and more.

Wherever it started, it exists and it sucks.

The intention is to not let it exist here.

Memories will be shared, dreams will flow, imagination will run wild and life will forge forwards as it always does.

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