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~ When life doesn't turn out as you had hope it would – It may not be 100% factual truth-but, it is 100% me.

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Tag Archives: Yoga

255.7 What Lies Ahead

29 Friday Jul 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in Seeking Health Now, Uncategorized

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7 Minute Workout, Camping, Daily Steps, Diet, Exercise, Goals, Health, losing weight, Meal Planning, Planning, Pop, S'mores, Salad, Weight Loss, Yoga

I’ve been doing really well at getting myself back on track. I’ve been loving my fruits and veggies and drinking plenty of water.  

My husband and I went for our usual ‘it’s the Friday before a long weekend lunch’ together and I ate all of my salad instead of leaving it and filling up on French fries. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still had the French fries, but not as much as I would have if I hadn’t finished my salad first. 

I’m not going to lie and say that the salad was totally more enjoyable than the French fries, but I will say that I enjoyed them equally. Perhaps, if I really think about it, maybe the salad did slightly edge-out the fries, because there was more going on there.

French fries are kind of 2-note foods, a bit of salt and some mush with an occasional crunch. But, the salad had sweetness, crunch, juiciness, softness, salt and the overall satisfaction of knowing that it was accomplishing much more for my body than the fries.

I also ordered a Diet Coke, which I immediately regretted because I had promised myself to just have water. Then, because I had ordered it, in order to feel like we got ‘our money’s worth’ I felt I needed to order another glass (free refills make a $3.00 Diet Coke feel justified). But, I mentioned to my husband as soon as the waiter had brought my second glass that I should have just ordered water. 

So, when I finished that glass, I asked the waiter to bring me an ice water. I am very proud of the fact that I realized I was feeling bloated and the pop was giving me a sick feeling. In the past, I would have thought ‘I don’t care. I’m enjoying myself. I’m going to eat/drink what makes me happy.’

Feeling sick doesn’t make me happy. I was mindful enough to realize that I wasn’t enjoying how the pop was making me feel and I had the power to make the best choice for my life.

Now, what lies ahead.

We are going camping this weekend. Camping is all about fun and food indulgence. Burgers, hotdogs, sausages, pancakes, s’mores, chips, pop…

I have been trying to construct an alternative universe in my head to prepare myself to make healthy choices. I’ve even been trying to convince myself to not buy myself pop for the weekend. I’ve been trying to fill my thoughts and day dreams of different kinds of fruit, salad, veggies and water.

And, if I’m going to indulge, I’ve been thinking it might be good to indulge in something that, in the very least, includes vegetables. For example, I was thinking today about picking up a nice veggie dip that I can enjoy with some carrots and celery instead of buying another bag of chips.

We already have Sun Chips and Dill Pickle Smartfood packed for the weekend and, thanks to my workplace, a dozen MASSIVE banana chocolate chip muffins…

I’ve also been ramping myself up to, in the very least, complete my 7-minute workout and meet my 10,000/day steps. Our little rental vehicle is going to be packed to the hilt, but I am determined to, not only bring, but use my yoga mat every day.

As I’ve said before, I am really learning how important it is to think about and plan for what lies ahead.

This weekend is a great opportunity to see how I can do at this when there are some clear battles ahead of me.

Oh, and the pop in the fridge that I was hoping to make last until the weekend…I had 1 or 2 cans since I wrote about them, but there are some left over. So, I say: “Yay! For progress!”

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The Power of Being Heard

20 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Life Now

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Anxiety, Be Heard, CBT, Compulsive Caring, Control, Express, Fear, Listen, Minecraft, OCD, Safety, Seek Help, Talk, Therapy, Trauma, Yoga

I have started seeing a therapist for help with anxiety and trauma and a phobia from which I have suffered since my son was born.

My last appointment was Monday and I woke-up Tuesday feeling better upon waking than I can remember feeling when waking up in years. I thought it was because I had spent the previous evening playing Minecraft with my husband and brother. And, while I still believe that the time I spent with them was definitely part of it, there must be something else going on as well, because I woke-up the same way today.

I woke-up feeling like life was before me, I was excited to embrace the new day and see what it had to offer. In fact, I rose in such high spirits today, that I got out of bed and did some yoga before getting my son up for the day.

And, as I was going through the breaths and the movements, I remembered that this is how it always used to feel. I used to enjoy waking-up, thinking about what experiences I might have today, eager to get up and move and stretch.

One of my constant complaints to my doctor for the past 2 years is that I am always waking-up feeling exhausted. I wake-up feeling like I’ve been through a war. We talked about doing a sleep study, and sleep apnea, etc. But, that never really felt right to me. My gut instinct was that this kind of issue was not the problem. It was something else.

So, what changed?

I’ve been heard. Finally, someone seems to be hearing what I’ve been trying to say for years.

I live in a state of trauma, panic, fear and uncertainty all the time.

I’ve been able to openly express the darkness that has lived deep within me; this turmoil that I pour all of my energy into suppressing so that it doesn’t affect those around me. It is a constant battle for control, for peace, for patience and it takes every fiber of my being to keep it all in-check.

No wonder I am so exhausted.

Having been able to share the things that terrify me with someone who is able to really hear what I am saying without me feeling the need to shelter or protect her has made all the difference. I have been heard. I have been able to share my burden, fully, with another person. This act, alone, has lifted some of the stress from my life that has been tearing me down.

I was in a similar situation when I was a teenager, I was depressed and really struggling, but I was terrified of how I felt and found it difficult to share the actual depths of what I was feeling because I had this need to protect my loved ones.

I thought I was expressing my concerns, I thought I was asking for help. But, when things hit rock bottom and I ended-up in hospital having overdosed on medication, all I kept hearing was ‘we didn’t know it was this bad’ and ‘why didn’t you tell us?’ and ‘why didn’t you ask for help?’

I thought I had.

I thought I had been speaking out, asking for help, trying to express how scared I was about what I was feeling. But, no one heard me.

And, for the past 2.5 years, it has been happening again. I have felt as if I have been constantly asking for help, trying to get people’s attention and expressing my concerns for how I was feeling, but never really being heard.

I am learning that, one of the reasons for this (perhaps the greatest reason) is that, because I don’t want to scare people, or cause them distress, when I express my concerns they are done in a way that is protective. This means, things can come-across as less critical than they actually are. I throw things out there and hope that someone will pick-up on my cues and say ‘hey, I think there is, actually, something really massive going on here that she’s too afraid to come right out and say’ and then they will swoop-in and rescue me.

I am working on this. I learned that in the OCD ‘world’ one compulsion that can happen is the need to protect the people around you. We often see the stereotypical wash the hands ‘x’ amounts of time, do this act ‘x’ amounts of times, have a specific pattern for getting out of the house, etc. I had no idea that ‘compulsive caring’ was, actually, a disorder.

Don’t get me wrong—I have definitely felt it was for years! It is EXHAUSTING feeling like you are ALWAYS responsible for how EVERYONE around you is feeling.

And now, there is someone who has seen this in me and understands the depths of it and how much it affects my day-to-day living and I am already starting to feel whole again – just because someone listened.

It’s so incredible to be heard, isn’t it?

.

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Day? i’v e stopped keeping track

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by Heather Irwin in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

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Tags

Changes, Choices, Daylight Savings, Decisions, Low Energy, Over Calories, Overwhelmed, Stress, Vegetables, Victory, Weight Loss, Yoga

So, I’m nowhere near organized enough to do what I had originally planned and touch-base every day with my stats.

So, you’re going to get what you get for now.

I weighed in this morning at 269lbs. So, 1 lbs down from my previous check-in. I think this was, mostly, due to a decrease in appetite yesterday.

Today I have eaten to make up for it, so bye-bye 1 lbs lost.

I hate daylight savings. I was doing great and my energy was up and then BAM! It’s like someone pulled the carpet out from under me.

Suddenly, I’m thrust back into darkness in the mornings and my energy drops through the floor.

I haven’t been logging my food, either.

But, I can tell you that I had a chocolate glazed donut, 5 mini hershey squares and 4 blueberry waffles today. That’s not all I ate, of course, but that’s the unhealthy stuff.

I also had, about, 6 servings of vegetables. They were on 2 six inch subs from Subway and in our chicken fajitas tonight….so, I’m guessing my calorie intake is, probably, about 700 over my goal.

I have done a bit of exercise in the past couple of days, but really nothing major. I’m talking a few push-ups here, a 16 second plank there, 12 squats…

My work has been extremely stressful for me for several months and this week has, truly, had me run off my feet. The fact that I spend my day in a “spin” is part of why I’m struggling. Having to log food just feels like even more responsibility and work that I have to try and fit in, despite the fact that I’m not keeping-up with my job.

However, I know that I have to put some healthy boundaries in place and take care of myself. If I can’t make 30 minutes for myself every day, there is something seriously wrong.

So, despite the fact that I just made 4 blueberry waffles and am watching “The Amazing Race” with my husband, instead of returning to my hole on the couch, I came over to the table to write.

Another little victory.

Every time I make a good decision like this one, I feel it gives me strength to make even more good decisions.

Maybe I’ll even try a quick yoga session before bed tonight.

Little choices. Little victories. Little moments.

Lifelong changes.

 

 

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