Category Archives: Seeking Health Now

263 Healthy Habit Challenge

01 Wednesday Jun 2016

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I’m so excited to be starting a 6 week health and fitness challenge with a great group of lady nerds. 

Here’s what the challenge entails for me:

30 minutes non-stop exercise every day.

Drinking 3L of water every day.

Eating 1700, or less, calories every day.

Eating, at least, 3 veggie servings every day.

Giving up all diet soda for 6 weeks (in, yet, another attempt to give it up once and for all)

Writing a little bit every day, even if it’s just a private journal entry.

Attempting 8 hours uninterrupted sleep (no screens).

I went through that time recently when I felt really bloated and was super uncomfortable in my body. But, I’ve come through the other side of it and, when I see my reflection, am blown away by the changes I see in my body. I am enouraged and proud of myself for remaining mindful and being able to talk myself through the struggle without letting it completely derail me.

But, this challenge is coming at a perfect time because I was feeling my momentum waning. The women in my group are so encouraging and inspirational that it’s just the boost I need to propel me forward.

I missed my May 30 goal of 260, but I’m aiming to be there by the end of next week.

I really want to do better at writing as well. My writing is becoming boring. I’m bored writing it. I know the reason for this is that things have been really busy and stressful in my life and I haven’t allowed myself the space and time I need in order to be more creative. 

But…that might be changing.

Watch this space.

Mind Over Matter

30 Monday May 2016

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I had been feeling really crummy about myself for over a week. I felt bloated and uncomfortable. It seemed like, just over night, all the hard work and positive feelings I had experienced were just gone. But, the past few days I have started to return to normal.

I saw a picture of myself, that my husband took yesterday while we were out at my son’s soccer practice, and could tell that I have lost weight. Also, my clothes are still fitting comfortably.

This is a win. I have been telling myself all the way through this miserable patch that, despite how I was feeling, I had made strides in the right direction, I had lost weight, I was looking better, clothes were fitting better and I was able to move with less pain. And, while telling myself these things did not take away the crummy feelings, it helped keep my head in the game. I was able to get through to myself with facts. ‘I know it doesn’t feel like it to you, but it’s fact because of a), b) and c).’

A group of nerdy girls I belong to on FB is doing a “Healthy Habit Challenge” again starting on Wednesday. I’ve done this before with them and it has been great to have the encouragement and support and be part of a fun community.

I’m really excited to just keep going on this journey. I’ve just been through a stormy patch and will write a bit more about it and my experiences as I go along. But, I wanted to say that the promise I had made to myself, to not allow myself to be so blinded that I can’t see improvement, has been paying-off. It meant I didn’t completely lose hope when I really wasn’t feeling it. This ultimate truth of ‘you are better than you were a month ago’ fortified me and held me steady, like an anchor.

I did get tossed-around a bit and ate more chocolate and carbs than I should have. I did go over my calorie budget for the last 2 weeks. BUT, it was nowhere near as bad as it has been in the past, and I did continue to make good choices. I even ordered a salad while out running errands on Saturday instead of looking towards the French fries!

This is a huge win for me. I had this whole conversation with myself while looking at the menu. It went something like this:

Me: But, we don’t go out very often. It’s a special treat. Surely, I deserve something yummy and “treat-like”.

Other Me: You DESERVE foods that will make you feel worse, ultimately, and make you fatter?

M: Well, I deserve to be able to eat something and enjoy myself.

OM: But, you ENJOY salad. Why can’t that be your special treat?

M: Because, I love French fries. I want French fries!!!

OM: But, French fries don’t love you back. They make you worse. They make you feel sad and gross.

M: Well…I guess that’s true. But, they taste so good at the time!

OM: You have said, numerous times over the past couple of months, when you’ve had a ‘treat’ how you didn’t really enjoy it and while eating wished that you had eaten an apple or salad instead. Well, here’s your chance to get it right the first time!

M: there is definite truth and logic to that.

OM: All the nutrients that will be in your salad, and how clean and fresh you will feel afterwards, compared to how you feel after French fries (which also don’t offer very much nutrition to you).

M: So, not only will I feel better after eating, I will also have the added bonus of knowing that my body is going to be more happy and healthy as well (even if I don’t even know all of the ways!).

OM: Exactly.

M: Sold! “I’ll have a salad, please!”

And I ate. And I was satisfied.

I’m glad I hadn’t ordered anything more. It would have been way too heavy. As it was, I only ate a small portion of the salad.

Mind over matter. The small victories I’ve been gaining for months are really starting to pay-off in the bigger battle of the bulge.

Lovin’ it.

267.4 So depressing

28 Saturday May 2016

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I wrote about how tough the past couple of weeks has been on a regular post, but I wanted to further reflect on how it has affected my health.

I’m not entirely sure what’s been going on, as I’ve been watching my calorie intake and, although it has been over on some days, it was under on others and the weekly average is fairly close to the goal. And yet, here I sit, 5.4 lbs heavier.

The # isn’t the only thing that is depressing, how I’ve been feeling is where I’m really feeling it. Last weekend I was feeling a little ‘off’ for most of the weekend and I woke-up on Tuesday morning with extreme lower back pain. It felt like I was having back labour all over again, as it would come in waves and have me doubled-over in pain.

The Dr thinks it was smooth muscle spasms over my intestines. But, ever since that I have not felt right. I feel worn and my insides just seem unhappy. I have felt totally bloated for the entire week, my lower back has still not settled-back to normal, and I’ve experienced pains similar to those when I was having a miscarriage inside my ‘female areas’.

I have been trying to make good decisions despite all of this crappy, crummy, depressing feelings I have been experiencing. But, I confess that I have probably failed in this more than I have succeeded. BUT, as I said at the top, my calorie count has remained pretty close to my goal (which is set to lose 1-2 lbs/week) and have gained 4.4.

On top of it, is the bloating and the feelings that go along with it. I had been feeling healthy, fit and happy and all of a sudden it seems like I feel like a big, bloated, water balloon ready to burst and spill out all over the place.

So, I’m going to put this out there, so that I have a record of it and then hit the “Dr Google” to figure out if there is something I can do re: the bloating, rapid weight gain, etc.

I am trying to remain positive and still determined to forge forwards despite this setback.

262 You’re Never Fully Dressed…

18 Wednesday May 2016

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I thought losing weight was supposed to make life easier. I’ve lost 13 lbs since I started this blog post and I am feeling great.  But, I’m finding it even more difficult to get dressed in the morning. Nothing seems to fit right, feel good or look great anymore.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look a lot worse than I did before. I have had to actively engage my mind in these moments to stop body-shaming itself and be reminded that, even though I may not feel it at the moment, I am thinner than I was a few months ago.

Back in 2008-09 I lost a bunch of weight. But, I didn’t really realize how well I had done and how fit/healthy I was. No one really acknowledged it. People were telling my husband all the time how much weight he had lost and how good he was looking. But, no one really said anything to me. And so, the reality of what I had accomplished never really set-in.

Fast-forward 5 years and I am looking at pictures of that time and find myself saying: “Holy crap! I looked amazing back then. Look how thin I was!”

But, I never really realized it at the time. In my mind I was still a huge, fat, frumpy, monster. I would be embarrassed when I saw pictures of myself BACK THEN because I thought I looked disgusting. 50 lbs heavier and I am extremely camera-shy. I reserve the right to “approve” all photos of me before my husband dare post them on Facebook. Yet, when I was 50 lbs lighter I still felt this way about myself. Something was definitely wrong with my thinking. This was a huge revelation to me. I didn’t realize how great I looked. Despite all the work I had put in and the obvious results, I didn’t see it.

Years later, as I looked at those pictures, getting slightly angry at myself for how hard I was on myself back then, I was determined to never let that happen again and I made 2 promises to myself:

  • I would get back to that weight.
  • I would make sure I realized it.

Perhaps that’s part of why I write this blog. I refuse to allow myself to do the hard work and not give myself due credit. I do not want to lose 5, 10, 20, 30, etc. lbs and yet still feel like crap because I haven’t realized how much I have accomplished and the fact that I do look better.

So, when I have weeks like I’ve been having when I try on different shirts, pants, skirts, fail to find anything that looks good and feels comfortable, and my mind automatically goes to that negative place of: ‘oh, your so fat. Look at that- it’s disgusting…’ and all the rest of the negativity and personal body-shaming that has existed in my head for most of my life, I have to stop myself.

Stop.

You are doing great.

You have made huge lifestyle changes.

You are beautiful.

You are losing weight and feeling great.

You are making a difference.

Despite how it looks and feels at the moment, it is better than it was.

You will make and have already made great progress.

Keep it up.

So, despite the fact that my pants and underwear fall down making me uncomfortable and I have lost weight in one area which seems to have just made it pop-out in another area, I remind myself that I am heading in the right direction.

My body is going to look and feel differently throughout this process.

The most important thing is to love it where it is, encourage myself that we are on the right track, understand that there will be adjustments, remind myself of my progress, keep my chin up and try to approach things with grace and patience.

 

263.4 Stairs and Perseverance

11 Wednesday May 2016

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Man, I am feeling great. When I look in the mirror these days I often find the reflection looking back at me is one that looks younger, healthier and happier than she has in years.

However, I am tired this week as the “monster within” is tearing me to shreds from the inside-out and depleting my, already low, iron stores.

But, despite this tiredness, I am making great choices and exercising regularly and am still doing the stairs at work every day; always once, sometimes twice.

I was feeling a tad low on energy yesterday and decided that, instead of going all the way to the top, I would go up 5 flights, come back down, go back up 4, come back down, go up 3 come back down, go down to the ground level and then back up to 2.

But, despite the fact that it was, most likely, the equivalent amount of stairs of going to the top (if not more), I didn’t feel like I’d achieved my goal. I felt as though I had “wimped-out”. So, I turned around and went right back up to the top. It hurt and I was tired, but it felt great to persevere and accomplish it. To top it off, I did 20 wall push-ups just to really drive the point home.

I have some serious leg muscles developing.

My words for today: Perseverance. Determination. Hope. Joy. Happiness. Health.

264.4 Victories in the Mind

09 Monday May 2016

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Well, I’ve managed to weigh-in under my April goal weight. I’ve only done this once, however, as when I weighed myself this morning, I was 266.6. I’m pretty sure it will go down again and I am setting my sites on 260.

I know that I am continuously building muscle through my workouts and that will affect the #’s. What I know for sure is that I am feeling great, my clothes are getting looser and I can see the difference already when I look in the mirror.

I’m feeling really positive about it all.

I constantly find that my mindset around food as a comfort or reward is shifting.

I had some serious victories over my mindset on Sunday. We had traveled a fair distance to see my husband play flugelhorn in his concert band, but my son started to fall asleep just as we arrived, so I wandered around a mall for 45 minutes pushing his stroller. I passed a lot of ice cream shops, McD’s, New York Fries, A&W and, despite the fact it was 2:30pm and I still hadn’t eaten lunch, I didn’t give-in to any of these places.

More importantly, I didn’t actually find myself craving them at all.

I went to a shop and contemplated buying a bag of popcorn and maybe a chocolate bar as a treat, but didn’t really want them either, so left with only a diet Dr Pepper (which I had later that night and then finished this morning) and a drink to bring to my husband for his intermission.

When it came time to leave, a couple of hours later, I grabbed a grilled chicken sub (packed with veggies), mustard and on whole grain from subway. I did splurge on a toasted coconut donut from Tim Horton’s…it was Mother’s Day after all. And enjoyed those with a steeped tea and a diet soda.

Last year, I would have been enjoying a chubby chicken sandwich and fries from A&W, or a Quarter LBS combo from McD’s and ice cream, and probably even a chocolate bar and chips while watching my husband’s concert band play.

But, I just didn’t want any of it. What I did have was an “I deserve to eat something truly good and enjoyable”.

And, although I enjoyed the donut, I still found that I, actually, enjoy eating an apple or some carrot sticks even more. I love the crunch and the juiciness of these more than what the donut offered. So, maybe, the next time I consider getting a donut I’ll remind myself how it wasn’t, really, that enjoyable and I’ll opt-out.

My weekend included a lot of walking, fun playing soccer with the boys, a lot of belly laughter (it is a great ab workout, by the way) and some good rest.

I’m hoping to be around 263 by the end of this week, but as the monster inside is due to appear and the hormones will be raging, so the weight and water retention will fluctuate quite a bit. But, when I come-through the other side of the upcoming storm, that’s the number I’m hoping to see.

268: Falling Down and Getting Right Back Up Again

02 Monday May 2016

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When you are trying to lose weight and/or change your lifestyle in some way to be healthier, you will make a lot of mistakes. You will have bad hours/days/weeks or even months.

These can, often, completely derail a person.

I’ve had a fairly rough 7 days in the health department. I haven’t been feeling great and it has slowly been eating-away at my energy and focus.

The reality is probably not as horrible as I think it is in my head, but still, it can be really demotivating.

I didn’t hit the 265 goal. But, since I’ve been lingering around the #, I’m not going to go all negative about it. I just want to keep on keeping on.

But, I woke-up with a migraine today and that really sucks. It means that I have very little focus or motivation for trying to be healthy today. Perhaps that explains why I had 5 homemade peanut butter chocolate chip walnut pecan cookies for breakfast. Sigh.

Today I am feeling more like giving up than I have in quite a while. I had been doing great, but I knew this day would come. I wrote about these “slumps” and while I was on a high I had been working on preparing myself for this inevitable moment. But, I didn’t count on having one of these moments and a migraine at the same time.

I’ve had one bad meal that’s rolled into 1 and a snack, that’s rolled into 2 bad meals, that’s rolled into a few days…

I haven’t been logging food or eating veggies/fruit/protein or drinking water. I am tempted to beat myself up, feel really horrible for this and give it all up. HOWEVER, sitting back and getting some perspective I see that I haven’t gone completely off the rails and I am very proud to say that I have continued with my stair climbing at work (except for today when I just couldn’t bear with the idea of trying to do it with my head already feeling like it might explode).

I go through slumps regularly (I’m trying to track to see if they are related to my cycle) where my emotions and energy are low and everything feels more negative. Perhaps this has to do with my hypothyroidism or fibromyalgia. My Dr. and I are still trying to sort-out the Levothyroxin dosage. She had put me on the 88’s, but suffered depression as a side effect. So, she put me on the 75’s from Mon-Fri and the 88’s Sat-Sun. I have no idea if those 2 days on the 88’s are enough to effect my mood/emotions, etc. But, I’m definitely watching this carefully.

At any rate, I don’t, yet, know why this happens but, having been tracking it for a bit of time now, and I am aware enough to realize that things aren’t as bleak as they may feel. Even my health and nutrition. I have been doing a great job, despite some recent poor choices (ie. 5 cookies for breakfast). I also know that the sooner I up my water/fruit/veg/protein intake, the sooner I will start feeling better.

I just have to get over this migraine. The nausea that accompanies it makes the thought of having my lunch smoothie almost intolerable. But, I’ll get hungry enough to consume it eventually (despite the nausea).

We all fall down – the important thing, like I say to my 2 year old, is to get yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going.

265 (Apr. 27) 267.3 (Apr. 28) Pizza, Art and Fran’s

28 Thursday Apr 2016

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I had pizza for dinner on Tuesday night from Papa John’s. Grilled Chicken, bacon, roma tomatoes and five-cheese. It was so delicious and I had 4 slices.

I stepped on the scale on Wednesday morning and was surprised to see 265-My goal weight!

However, I knew that the pizza hadn’t quite caught up with me, so kept my excitement at bay. Also, I knew that I had planned on having lunch with my husband before heading to the AGO to check-out some art.

We went to Fran’s, one of our favourite joints for lunch. If you live in Toronto, you will probably know about Fran’s. I ordered a “Big Breakfast” knowing that I had pizza last night and probably should have been “taking it easy” on the food-front…sausage, bacon, eggs, toast, home fries and pancakes! [sarcasm]

I ate 2 sausages, 1 bacon, a few bites of toast and eggs, all the home fries and both pancakes. I really love their home fries.

We spent the entire afternoon walking, but I guess fairly low-key, as my steps and calories didn’t seem to burn-out that quickly, despite the fact that I did.

Looking at art is amazing, but it’s actually very tiring as well. When I first arrived I was very teary and everything was making me cry. By the end, everything just started to look the same. This is when I knew it was time to leave, but not before finding the Renoir. I love Renoir. He is my favourite artist of all time.

When we finally made it home, after picking-up our son, I was utterly exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I warmed-up 2 leftover pieces of pizza for dinner and shared them with my son.

This morning when I stepped on the scale, my weight was back up to 267.3. Damn.

The temptation to feel disappointed in myself and go on a bender looms overhead. But, I know better now. There is no need for me to be disappointed. I am doing an incredible job and, I’m just going to keep going.

An important change of thinking for me is to not look at these meals as “mistakes” or with the mentality that I now have to “starve” or “be good” to make up for it, but to just treat them as any other meal. Like a normal person. I don’t have to feel guilty about choosing to have pizza one night instead of eggs and toast.

This is life. I made good choices in the midst of it all. I could have eaten more pizza than I did, but I stopped myself. I could have kept all the pizza for myself, but I shared it with my husband and child and I could have eaten my entire “big breakfast” despite feeling full/satisfied instead of stopping when I felt I had eaten enough.

265 is within reach and I will get there again. More important than that number, I tried some of my “summer” clothes on that I couldn’t fit a couple of months ago, and they fit comfortably now. And, even more important than the clothes, I am feeling good. I feel my body and I can tell there have been positive changes.

I’m still inspired to keep working on these life-long changes and am determined to work on things in little increments so that the changes will be long-lasting and truly transform my approach to food, health, weight loss and nutrition.

266.7 The Magic Flute

25 Monday Apr 2016

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Back when I started this massive attempt at addressing the deeper issues in my lifestyle that I felt were contributing to my inability to lose weight, I created a “goals” calendar for myself.

I had a point system that went something like this:

Daily Points:
Drink 4×24 ounce water = 1 pt
Eat 1 serv vegetable = 1pt
Eat 1 serv fruit = 1pt
No pop = 1pt
1 serv Protein = 1 pt

And so forth.

Then, at the end of the week, I’d get extra points if I managed to do the daily things 3 or more times. For example:

4xwater 4xweek = 10 pts
Eat 1 veg/4xweek = 20 pts
No pop 4x/week = 40 pts

The pts could be adjusted depending upon which areas I found I was struggling with the most, etc.

I wanted to come-up with a prize that would keep me interested and for which I would actually do the work to obtain. So, I set myself the goal of 5, 000 pts (or 50lbs) = Flute.

I want to learn to play the flute because I play brass instruments, and mostly bass clef ones, which are heavy to lug around and loud. This creates a problem for me, because I don’t play often due to the fear that I’ll be disturbing our neighbours.

So, I figured if I learn an instrument that is quieter, I might be able to play more frequently.

This worked AMAZINGLY for the first 6 months. It was as if the flute had magical powers. I was drinking more water, exercising regularly, eating more vegetables, fruit and healthy protein and constantly trying to give-up diet soda.

But, as with all good things, it had to come to an end. I have found that I have now outgrown this point system. But, I still have something like 3500 pts to go before I can get a flute!

This has been an incredible way for me to track my progress. When I first started, I was getting very few points at the end of the week. I struggled to eat fruit and vegetables every day. But, now I can’t imagine not having them daily. Sure, there are still days (usually either Sat/Sun or both) where I’m mostly consuming bread. But, they are the exception now, not the rule.

So, the big question remaining is, how do I get myself my magic flute?

The answer seems simple enough. 50lbs down = Flute.

Only 41.7 more to go.

 

266.7 Gaining Control

21 Thursday Apr 2016

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1.7 lbs away from this month’s weight goal. Though, admittedly, the # goal is not as important to me as the emotional/mental goals I am working on. And, I’m pleased to say, that I’ve made some headway in these areas as well.

For years I have wished that I could, automatically, lose 1 lbs every time I made a good decision. Choose salad instead of french fries = 1 lbs lost instantly. Pass on the birthday cake at work = – 1lbs instantly. And so forth.

Well, I kind of feel, like I just had one of those moments. I went to a Tim Horton’s yesterday to pick-up donuts and muffins for a meeting I was attending and I ordered myself a tea and soup for lunch. I didn’t get a donut, I didn’t even get a Diet Pepsi.

Later in the day when i was at this meeting and the donuts were coming-out for folks to enjoy, I didn’t have one.

Fast forward to the evening and my husband mentions he is going to the corner store and asks if I want anything. I request some Coke Zero. But, I didn’t have it last night. He bought himself some chips and I didn’t feel jealous or reach for popcorn, toast or rice chips so that I would have a treat as well.

And, do you want to know why I didn’t have any of that stuff? Because, when I stopped and asked myself if I really wanted it, was I really hungry, did I really want pop this late in the evening? The answer was “no” every time.

I didn’t skip these things because “I’m on a diet”. I gave them a pass because I have been working on mindfulness and on separating reality from “treat mentality” and I realized in each situation that I was very content without the donut/pop/chips, etc.

There was no torture involved, no feelings of loss, no major struggle to say “no”, no feelings of ‘I really want that, but I can’t because I’m on a diet’.

Just plain, ‘ol, I don’t want it and that settles it.

I wonder if this is how people who don’t have the emotional attachments to food function on a regular day to day basis? If so, does this mean that I am making good progress in my mental/emotional goals this week, just as I am in my # goal?

I think so.