Tag Archives: Progress

262 You’re Never Fully Dressed…

18 Wednesday May 2016

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I thought losing weight was supposed to make life easier. I’ve lost 13 lbs since I started this blog post and I am feeling great.  But, I’m finding it even more difficult to get dressed in the morning. Nothing seems to fit right, feel good or look great anymore.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look a lot worse than I did before. I have had to actively engage my mind in these moments to stop body-shaming itself and be reminded that, even though I may not feel it at the moment, I am thinner than I was a few months ago.

Back in 2008-09 I lost a bunch of weight. But, I didn’t really realize how well I had done and how fit/healthy I was. No one really acknowledged it. People were telling my husband all the time how much weight he had lost and how good he was looking. But, no one really said anything to me. And so, the reality of what I had accomplished never really set-in.

Fast-forward 5 years and I am looking at pictures of that time and find myself saying: “Holy crap! I looked amazing back then. Look how thin I was!”

But, I never really realized it at the time. In my mind I was still a huge, fat, frumpy, monster. I would be embarrassed when I saw pictures of myself BACK THEN because I thought I looked disgusting. 50 lbs heavier and I am extremely camera-shy. I reserve the right to “approve” all photos of me before my husband dare post them on Facebook. Yet, when I was 50 lbs lighter I still felt this way about myself. Something was definitely wrong with my thinking. This was a huge revelation to me. I didn’t realize how great I looked. Despite all the work I had put in and the obvious results, I didn’t see it.

Years later, as I looked at those pictures, getting slightly angry at myself for how hard I was on myself back then, I was determined to never let that happen again and I made 2 promises to myself:

  • I would get back to that weight.
  • I would make sure I realized it.

Perhaps that’s part of why I write this blog. I refuse to allow myself to do the hard work and not give myself due credit. I do not want to lose 5, 10, 20, 30, etc. lbs and yet still feel like crap because I haven’t realized how much I have accomplished and the fact that I do look better.

So, when I have weeks like I’ve been having when I try on different shirts, pants, skirts, fail to find anything that looks good and feels comfortable, and my mind automatically goes to that negative place of: ‘oh, your so fat. Look at that- it’s disgusting…’ and all the rest of the negativity and personal body-shaming that has existed in my head for most of my life, I have to stop myself.

Stop.

You are doing great.

You have made huge lifestyle changes.

You are beautiful.

You are losing weight and feeling great.

You are making a difference.

Despite how it looks and feels at the moment, it is better than it was.

You will make and have already made great progress.

Keep it up.

So, despite the fact that my pants and underwear fall down making me uncomfortable and I have lost weight in one area which seems to have just made it pop-out in another area, I remind myself that I am heading in the right direction.

My body is going to look and feel differently throughout this process.

The most important thing is to love it where it is, encourage myself that we are on the right track, understand that there will be adjustments, remind myself of my progress, keep my chin up and try to approach things with grace and patience.

 

263.4 Stairs and Perseverance

11 Wednesday May 2016

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Man, I am feeling great. When I look in the mirror these days I often find the reflection looking back at me is one that looks younger, healthier and happier than she has in years.

However, I am tired this week as the “monster within” is tearing me to shreds from the inside-out and depleting my, already low, iron stores.

But, despite this tiredness, I am making great choices and exercising regularly and am still doing the stairs at work every day; always once, sometimes twice.

I was feeling a tad low on energy yesterday and decided that, instead of going all the way to the top, I would go up 5 flights, come back down, go back up 4, come back down, go up 3 come back down, go down to the ground level and then back up to 2.

But, despite the fact that it was, most likely, the equivalent amount of stairs of going to the top (if not more), I didn’t feel like I’d achieved my goal. I felt as though I had “wimped-out”. So, I turned around and went right back up to the top. It hurt and I was tired, but it felt great to persevere and accomplish it. To top it off, I did 20 wall push-ups just to really drive the point home.

I have some serious leg muscles developing.

My words for today: Perseverance. Determination. Hope. Joy. Happiness. Health.

264.4 Victories in the Mind

09 Monday May 2016

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Well, I’ve managed to weigh-in under my April goal weight. I’ve only done this once, however, as when I weighed myself this morning, I was 266.6. I’m pretty sure it will go down again and I am setting my sites on 260.

I know that I am continuously building muscle through my workouts and that will affect the #’s. What I know for sure is that I am feeling great, my clothes are getting looser and I can see the difference already when I look in the mirror.

I’m feeling really positive about it all.

I constantly find that my mindset around food as a comfort or reward is shifting.

I had some serious victories over my mindset on Sunday. We had traveled a fair distance to see my husband play flugelhorn in his concert band, but my son started to fall asleep just as we arrived, so I wandered around a mall for 45 minutes pushing his stroller. I passed a lot of ice cream shops, McD’s, New York Fries, A&W and, despite the fact it was 2:30pm and I still hadn’t eaten lunch, I didn’t give-in to any of these places.

More importantly, I didn’t actually find myself craving them at all.

I went to a shop and contemplated buying a bag of popcorn and maybe a chocolate bar as a treat, but didn’t really want them either, so left with only a diet Dr Pepper (which I had later that night and then finished this morning) and a drink to bring to my husband for his intermission.

When it came time to leave, a couple of hours later, I grabbed a grilled chicken sub (packed with veggies), mustard and on whole grain from subway. I did splurge on a toasted coconut donut from Tim Horton’s…it was Mother’s Day after all. And enjoyed those with a steeped tea and a diet soda.

Last year, I would have been enjoying a chubby chicken sandwich and fries from A&W, or a Quarter LBS combo from McD’s and ice cream, and probably even a chocolate bar and chips while watching my husband’s concert band play.

But, I just didn’t want any of it. What I did have was an “I deserve to eat something truly good and enjoyable”.

And, although I enjoyed the donut, I still found that I, actually, enjoy eating an apple or some carrot sticks even more. I love the crunch and the juiciness of these more than what the donut offered. So, maybe, the next time I consider getting a donut I’ll remind myself how it wasn’t, really, that enjoyable and I’ll opt-out.

My weekend included a lot of walking, fun playing soccer with the boys, a lot of belly laughter (it is a great ab workout, by the way) and some good rest.

I’m hoping to be around 263 by the end of this week, but as the monster inside is due to appear and the hormones will be raging, so the weight and water retention will fluctuate quite a bit. But, when I come-through the other side of the upcoming storm, that’s the number I’m hoping to see.

268: Falling Down and Getting Right Back Up Again

02 Monday May 2016

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When you are trying to lose weight and/or change your lifestyle in some way to be healthier, you will make a lot of mistakes. You will have bad hours/days/weeks or even months.

These can, often, completely derail a person.

I’ve had a fairly rough 7 days in the health department. I haven’t been feeling great and it has slowly been eating-away at my energy and focus.

The reality is probably not as horrible as I think it is in my head, but still, it can be really demotivating.

I didn’t hit the 265 goal. But, since I’ve been lingering around the #, I’m not going to go all negative about it. I just want to keep on keeping on.

But, I woke-up with a migraine today and that really sucks. It means that I have very little focus or motivation for trying to be healthy today. Perhaps that explains why I had 5 homemade peanut butter chocolate chip walnut pecan cookies for breakfast. Sigh.

Today I am feeling more like giving up than I have in quite a while. I had been doing great, but I knew this day would come. I wrote about these “slumps” and while I was on a high I had been working on preparing myself for this inevitable moment. But, I didn’t count on having one of these moments and a migraine at the same time.

I’ve had one bad meal that’s rolled into 1 and a snack, that’s rolled into 2 bad meals, that’s rolled into a few days…

I haven’t been logging food or eating veggies/fruit/protein or drinking water. I am tempted to beat myself up, feel really horrible for this and give it all up. HOWEVER, sitting back and getting some perspective I see that I haven’t gone completely off the rails and I am very proud to say that I have continued with my stair climbing at work (except for today when I just couldn’t bear with the idea of trying to do it with my head already feeling like it might explode).

I go through slumps regularly (I’m trying to track to see if they are related to my cycle) where my emotions and energy are low and everything feels more negative. Perhaps this has to do with my hypothyroidism or fibromyalgia. My Dr. and I are still trying to sort-out the Levothyroxin dosage. She had put me on the 88’s, but suffered depression as a side effect. So, she put me on the 75’s from Mon-Fri and the 88’s Sat-Sun. I have no idea if those 2 days on the 88’s are enough to effect my mood/emotions, etc. But, I’m definitely watching this carefully.

At any rate, I don’t, yet, know why this happens but, having been tracking it for a bit of time now, and I am aware enough to realize that things aren’t as bleak as they may feel. Even my health and nutrition. I have been doing a great job, despite some recent poor choices (ie. 5 cookies for breakfast). I also know that the sooner I up my water/fruit/veg/protein intake, the sooner I will start feeling better.

I just have to get over this migraine. The nausea that accompanies it makes the thought of having my lunch smoothie almost intolerable. But, I’ll get hungry enough to consume it eventually (despite the nausea).

We all fall down – the important thing, like I say to my 2 year old, is to get yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going.

266.7 The Magic Flute

25 Monday Apr 2016

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Back when I started this massive attempt at addressing the deeper issues in my lifestyle that I felt were contributing to my inability to lose weight, I created a “goals” calendar for myself.

I had a point system that went something like this:

Daily Points:
Drink 4×24 ounce water = 1 pt
Eat 1 serv vegetable = 1pt
Eat 1 serv fruit = 1pt
No pop = 1pt
1 serv Protein = 1 pt

And so forth.

Then, at the end of the week, I’d get extra points if I managed to do the daily things 3 or more times. For example:

4xwater 4xweek = 10 pts
Eat 1 veg/4xweek = 20 pts
No pop 4x/week = 40 pts

The pts could be adjusted depending upon which areas I found I was struggling with the most, etc.

I wanted to come-up with a prize that would keep me interested and for which I would actually do the work to obtain. So, I set myself the goal of 5, 000 pts (or 50lbs) = Flute.

I want to learn to play the flute because I play brass instruments, and mostly bass clef ones, which are heavy to lug around and loud. This creates a problem for me, because I don’t play often due to the fear that I’ll be disturbing our neighbours.

So, I figured if I learn an instrument that is quieter, I might be able to play more frequently.

This worked AMAZINGLY for the first 6 months. It was as if the flute had magical powers. I was drinking more water, exercising regularly, eating more vegetables, fruit and healthy protein and constantly trying to give-up diet soda.

But, as with all good things, it had to come to an end. I have found that I have now outgrown this point system. But, I still have something like 3500 pts to go before I can get a flute!

This has been an incredible way for me to track my progress. When I first started, I was getting very few points at the end of the week. I struggled to eat fruit and vegetables every day. But, now I can’t imagine not having them daily. Sure, there are still days (usually either Sat/Sun or both) where I’m mostly consuming bread. But, they are the exception now, not the rule.

So, the big question remaining is, how do I get myself my magic flute?

The answer seems simple enough. 50lbs down = Flute.

Only 41.7 more to go.

 

266.7 Gaining Control

21 Thursday Apr 2016

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1.7 lbs away from this month’s weight goal. Though, admittedly, the # goal is not as important to me as the emotional/mental goals I am working on. And, I’m pleased to say, that I’ve made some headway in these areas as well.

For years I have wished that I could, automatically, lose 1 lbs every time I made a good decision. Choose salad instead of french fries = 1 lbs lost instantly. Pass on the birthday cake at work = – 1lbs instantly. And so forth.

Well, I kind of feel, like I just had one of those moments. I went to a Tim Horton’s yesterday to pick-up donuts and muffins for a meeting I was attending and I ordered myself a tea and soup for lunch. I didn’t get a donut, I didn’t even get a Diet Pepsi.

Later in the day when i was at this meeting and the donuts were coming-out for folks to enjoy, I didn’t have one.

Fast forward to the evening and my husband mentions he is going to the corner store and asks if I want anything. I request some Coke Zero. But, I didn’t have it last night. He bought himself some chips and I didn’t feel jealous or reach for popcorn, toast or rice chips so that I would have a treat as well.

And, do you want to know why I didn’t have any of that stuff? Because, when I stopped and asked myself if I really wanted it, was I really hungry, did I really want pop this late in the evening? The answer was “no” every time.

I didn’t skip these things because “I’m on a diet”. I gave them a pass because I have been working on mindfulness and on separating reality from “treat mentality” and I realized in each situation that I was very content without the donut/pop/chips, etc.

There was no torture involved, no feelings of loss, no major struggle to say “no”, no feelings of ‘I really want that, but I can’t because I’m on a diet’.

Just plain, ‘ol, I don’t want it and that settles it.

I wonder if this is how people who don’t have the emotional attachments to food function on a regular day to day basis? If so, does this mean that I am making good progress in my mental/emotional goals this week, just as I am in my # goal?

I think so.

 

270.3

14 Thursday Apr 2016

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It turns-out, I’ve managed to maintain the same weight for awhile. This is a good sign. This is evidence to me that, despite recent “off the rails” moments where pizza and potato chips were flowing, my gut feeling was right-I am bingeing less. I have been more mindful while eating and this has helped me to not just eat until there is nothing left to eat. When I have had chips, pizza, etc. I have stopped myself when I started feeling full or realized that I wasn’t really enjoying it anymore.

Progress.

Now, it’s time to step it up a little bit more and take it to the next level.

And, I think, that this is all happened organically as “the next level” is exactly what I initiated this week with my experiment of flipping my day on its head and having my breakfast for dinner.

It hasn’t been a picture-perfect start. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I haven’t gone into my new eating regime and done everything perfectly. In the past I would have, and it wouldn’t have lasted long.

I haven’t been “regimented” in what I had to eat, but I have really tried to stick to the ‘spirit’ of the plan.

Yesterday, I stuck to the “plan” closer than I had all week and it meant that I finished the day well-within my caloric intake goal.

Here’s how the day went: Coffee, Water and homemade Green Smoothie for Breakfast

Salad for lunch (without protein, however, because I forgot it at home)

Lean Ham sandwich, on whole wheat, with lettuce and mustard; 1 hard boiled egg, 3 pcs of rye toast (2 w marg, 1 w p.butter), cantaloupe, tea and water for dinner.

I also did a workout last night. I was 2,000 steps off my step goal and determined to go to bed over 10, 000 steps.

Also, a few weekends ago I did a crazy amount of heavy lifting (massive couches and recliners, etc.) to the point that everything was sore and shaking. But, after the pain wore-off I had some pretty bulky muscles appearing in my arms. I have lifted weights since I was in high school, though, never seriously body-building, just free weights. And so, while working on getting steps in, I did some free weight exercises as well because I didn’t want to lose those muscles.

Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty good this morning. I feel like I am heading in the right direction and the little progress that I have made so far is building a super strong foundation for me to continue to make the necessary changes that will go the distance.

It’s all about the journey.

272.3

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

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Well, I checked the weight today and was under what I thought I might be. However, it is still a gain. Sigh.

I’m not surprised and I’m definitely not feeling frustrated by it. You can’t be surprised you have gained weight when you have recently consumed pizza, chinese takeout, kfc, chocolate, chips and copious amounts of toast.

However, as I’ve stated before, in all of this I still don’t feel like I binge as badly as I used to. When I binge, I am actually consuming less and I’m off the rails for a shorter period of time. Progress.

I’m all about small victories. I am working really hard to develop a mindset and healthy lifestyle that is long-lasting, not a ‘flash in the pan’. I have to “reset” my mind, emotions, actions, approaches and lifestyle. These are not things that happen over night. I am working on changing a relationship I’ve been in my entire life. This has been an extremely unhealthy relationship that often mimics Stockholm Syndrome

Feelings of love towards my captor.

This is why I like my current idea of ‘freeing’ myself from allowing food to rule, by taking away all the questions, variables, doubts, feelings, etc. and just saying “this is what I’m eating at this time, every day”.

And, on that note, a follow-up from my first attempt to do that yesterday:

I found that, around 2pm I was really looking forward to the treat of going home and having my hard boiled eggs, toast and tea. It was great to have a “treat” in mind for the end of the day that wasn’t a guilty pleasure, but something that I had built-into a healthy menu plan of sorts.

I didn’t, however, end-up having that.

I had bought some wholegrain texas toast on the weekend with the thoughts of making french toast with it. So, that’s what I did last night. We had french toast. I did have eggs and bread for dinner, but in a different format. Not as healthy, but I was ok with that.

HOWEVER…

I was freezing cold last night and just couldn’t warm up no matter what. My nose felt like an ice block. When I’m cold I want warm, comforting, foods. So, I ate a bag of hot, steamy, popcorn. And had a few chocolate easter eggs.

I’m still calling yesterday a success. It was a good start to the experiment. Usually, if I do things perfectly out of the gate I find that I fizzle-out pretty quickly. I’m thinking that this slow, ramp-up, might actually be the best way to get into it.

We’ll see how it goes. I forgot to put my smoothie in the fridge last night, so I have a frozen chunk of spinach/vanilla greek yogurt/strawberries/bananas/ground chia/ground flax and water sitting beside me in hopes it thaws soon enough to actually have some of it for breakfast.

And, I forgot to bring some protein to add to my salad. AND, I have the dentist after work, so won’t be home and eating my eggs and toast until much later.

But, I’m still feeling positive and hopeful about it all.

So, here we go—Tuesday.

Uncomfortable in my own skin

09 Saturday Apr 2016

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I’m having one of those days when I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

I feel fat, bloated and uncomfortable in my clothes.

It’s the kind of day, physically at least, that I wish I could have stayed  home wearing the ugly, but so comfortable, clothes that only my close family ever get to see my in.

Mentally and emotionally I’m feeling good. I’ve had a positive, productive, day. But, I have just hated feeling my body.

These kinds of days can lead to downward spirals. I feel ugly and gross and all negative about myself and so, I feed that monster and, naturally, it grows.

But, I’m all about trying to learn and grow and get, even just, a teensy bit better each time.

I started this post yesterday on my way home from work. It’s now Saturday and it’s been a brutal day.

I’ve been down, cranky, weary and emotional all day long. I’ve eaten, pretty much, nothing but carbs, barely drunk any water and sat around a fair amount.

Then I danced with my son. After getting moving and raising my heart rate a little bit, I am already feeling better.

Now, sitting here, I decided to finish what I’d started (this post) and then get up and do some cleaning, and maybe even a workout. In the very least, I’ll do some cleaning and then some meal prep for tomorrow because I’m determined to eat better.

These kinds of spirals used to bring me down for months, then they began only lasting for a month, then a few weeks, a week, a few days and maybe now, a couple of days.

I am making progress.

And, with that, I sign of for the night so I can get my ass off the couch and do something productive that will keep me going in the right direction.

Every little bit helps.

Slumps

13 Sunday Mar 2016

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I go through slumps or downtimes on a regular basis. I`ve recently tried to track these in an effort to try and be prepared for when one is on its way.

I don`t know if it`s the Fibromyalgia or Hypothyroidism, SAD or just a regular phase of life. But, they can be devastating for me.

I end-up in an unhealthy downward spiral. All I want is food that will bring me joy and comfort. I reach for diet soda, chips, chocolate and toast. And, really, anything carb. There are scientific reasons for this happening in humans. It is an evolutionary tick we have that is there to help us survive when the chips are down.

I know that I need to work on the idea that food is my friend, or that food is what brings me comfort when the going gets tough.

But, that is easier said than done.

When I am stressed or feeling blue, it is my go-to.

I don`t have any close friends that I can call-up to come hang-out and we don`t have family nearby.

In my mind I know that I should find something else to do. I could write, read, workout, clean, paint or sing. Now, I just have to find the motivation to get off the couch when I feel like the world is dull and grey. That`s part of the vicious cycle.

I spent most of today under one of those dark storm clouds. It wasn`t until after I had a bath and started to move-around a bit more that I felt better.

I spent a few hours today playing Star Wars Battlefront and I think that this has a lot to do with the dark clouds. I love the game, but I`m really not happy to spend a day sitting-around playing it. And, it has, pretty much, ruined my evening workout routine, so I really need to adjust to this.

But, at the end of the day, I am still close to my calorie goal (I`m guessing I`m somewhere between 2-400 over). This may seem like a lot to you, but I used to be 1000 calories over on days like this, so I`ve been making progress.

I also slowly fade-out of tracking my food when I`m in one of these slumps. But, I know that tracking my food is one of the things that can help keep me motivated.

In fact, I`ve noticed in the last 6 months that every time I go through a dark phase, I`m handling them a little bit better than I used to. I`m happy for this, because I`m looking at a long-term change, not quick results that fade as soon as they come.

So, I`ve boiled my eggs for tomorrow, have my lettuce in bags and ready to go, and I`m all ready to start fresh again.

I`ve done the dishes and tidied up and I`m going to post this and then head upstairs for a mini workout.

I hope that anyone who is reading this and is trying to make themselves healthier is feeling encouraged and strengthened to persevere and not give up, finding that every setback gets a little easier and quicker to navigate. One day, the things that trip us up right now won`t even cause warrant a second thought.