Tag Archives: Depressed

Unraveling Religious Trauma and Spiritual Abuse

04 Wednesday Dec 2024

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I have spent the last 14 years trying to “come to grips” with my past. I have made some progress recently. But, the work is tough. Especially when you are doing it on your own. This article is everything: https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/religious-trauma/

My religious trauma began at an early age, but was kicked into hyperdrive at the same time I began to experience spiritual abuse.

The trauma and abuse went on for years, by multiple people in various locations. But, all with the same messages: You are sinful. There’s something wrong with you. You need us and you need God to be made whole. You won’t receive God’s blessing if you don’t give us 10% of any money you get, but, really you should give 20%…10% is just the baseline. You give as much as you can, even if it means you have to sell your possessions to pay rent, and eat nothing but saltines all day…You will do these things, or else you won’t be welcomed into our inner-sanctum. You should always be a servant – now go clean that person’s apartment because I need you to help me protect myself from their threats. I’m your spiritual leader, and doubting me is sinful, God doesn’t like that, and you want to please God, right? You feel tired and sick? Too bad – go and do the thing I told you to do, or you’ll be letting not just me down, but God as well. You haven’t been trained for it? Do you doubt God? Are you too weak, too selfish, that you won’t stay up all night and pray? You don’t matter. We matter. What you sacrifice for us and the community matters. Not you. You are not allowed to watch tv for a year. No dating. No drinking. Wear only these clothes. Here are the “approved” people you can be around…

and on and on it goes.

No wonder I feel so lost most of the time. It’s good to know that there are people out there who understand, even more than I do, how what I’ve gone through affects me every day; and that there are ways to heal from it.

I don’t write this to be offensive to anyone, or to hurt anyone’s feelings. But, maybe you’re someone out there who has experienced similar things and are struggling now that you’re “out,” or you want to “get out” and don’t know how. Maybe this will help you.

I don’t want to start a fight.

If you want to reach out to me, you can private message me. I’m here.

https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/religious-trauma/

The Storm

14 Friday Jun 2024

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Sometimes I go to sleep wondering if I will wake up the next morning and discover that it was all a bad dream.

But as the hot tears burn my cheeks and another stress migraine settles in, I know that no matter how much I try to wish it away, this is real.

I cannot comprehend why, or how, a child can hold so much pain and fear.

I try to suppress the day’s memories of being called horrible names, of being used as a human punching bag by the life I brought into this world.

I absorb his pain. I take his suffering. I can only hope that it provides him some relief. I would do anything to help ease the torment for him – even take the blows without flinching in an effort to prove to him that my love for him is unconditional; that there is absolutely nothing he could do, nothing he could be or become that would make me not love him.

As I hold him tightly, assuring him that I love him, that I’m not going anywhere, and that it doesn’t matter what he does to me, I will never give up on him, the punches become lighter, the swearing decreases, and I can feel the pain and anger being replaced by shame and sorrow.

He finally collapses in my arms, sobbing, apologizing. I can hear the agony in his voice; the fear of self, the hopelessness of feeling like you are a monster that is sick and will never get better.

I have been there.

I know what that feels like.

My heart shatters in a million pieces once again, but I have to be strong for him. He needs me.

This whole situation is so messy, so painful, and so completely undeserved.

While I may be strong for him when he is near, I crumble multiple times a day.

I fight back thoughts that maybe he is right, maybe it would be better if we didn’t exist anymore – maybe that is the only way out.

Then, through all this pain and suffering, while I am struggling just to breathe, to function – when it takes every ounce of effort to get up to face it all again and to keep getting up every time I’m knocked down – my integrity is questioned.

I have no words.

I barely have breath in me, but they manage to squeeze out plumes of vapours, forcing me to prove that I am unwell.

What they don’t understand is that I have to keep going every day; I am not free to live out my own pain because I have a child who needs me.

They do not see that every day is a struggle to live, that I have to give more than I have to get up each day.

They cannot comprehend this love, nor understand the toll it takes to lose myself every day in the hopes that we will find him; to sacrifice myself so that he might be saved.

He is my heart, and my heart is sick.

I would go to the ends of the earth to help him. I will never apologize for that.

Poem – May 16, 1998 (17 yrs old)

15 Tuesday May 2018

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Alone
She lies on her floor writing
Poetry
for no one but herself.

Upset
She does not know who she is
Frustrated
there is not a soul who can tell her.

People
They confuse her more and
Crush
her spirit.

Two
Hearts she is supposed to have
Learning
to handle one has been hard enough.

Who
Will rescue her and help her to surface?
Why
is her question for everything.

Misunderstood
By everyone known and unknown
Despised
by no one but herself.

Depressed
By poetry that gets her nowhere

searching.

Post Menstrual Syndrome

16 Thursday Jun 2016

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Sorry, boys. This one’s for the girls. 

Ok, I take that back. This one is for anyone who has ever gone through mensturation or been around anyone who has ever been through it. There may be some thoughts here that might help you.

I know that there have been a million jokes and articles written on the topic. But, most of this stuff is about PMS or Pre Menstrual Syndrome.

I’ve recently begun trying to research POST menstrual syndrome. This came-about from a year of me keeping track of my cycle, diet, stomach, head, pain levels, emotions and mental abilities. After tracking for months and months, I have discovered that I go into a deep slump directly AFTER my period. Leading-up to and during my period, I am positive, have energy, and am emotionally level.

But, immediately following this, I crash. And I crash hard.

I have ZERO energy, no focus, I’m extremely irritable, I struggle with food (thoughts of vegetables make me want to puke and all I want is carbs), and the world becomes dark and depressing.

So, I started looking into it. But, I’ve found that there really isn’t much out there about it. I am going to be bringing the information to my Dr in a couple of weeks to see what she says. One thing is for sure, I know it happens every month, I know when it happens, I know what issues, or side effects, it brings with it. So, I am going to work on preparing for next month. I want to think-ahead about what I can do to help myself get through the dark time better than I did before.

All the work I’ve been doing so far helped me come through this past week better than I have in the past, but there is still a long way to go. For example, I haven’t written here since the darkness fell and I was really missing it. But, I just couldn’t see anything but a dismal grey cloud. I couldn’t find my way through the cloud to write.

I hated it. Also, I have discovered it disrupts my month so much that, by the time I am ‘back to myself’, I only have 1 or 2 weeks/month when I feel like I’m fully myself and firing on all cylinders. Too much of my time is spent in a cloud, or trying to get out of one.

Last night I was determined to write – something. Anything. I couldn’t bear the thought of trying to produce something worth sharing, so I dug-out my journal and began to write. This broke the wall. I used to write in a journal every day, for over 15 years. I have 40 journals in storage full of memories, thoughts, prayers, dreams, poems and, well – me.

At this stage, I don’t have much help to offer anyone who is struggling, or knows someone who struggles, with the same issues. But, I will be able to share insights from my Dr, my own experience, and anything else I find online in the meantime. 

It’s time for the suffering to stop. 

267.4 So depressing

28 Saturday May 2016

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I wrote about how tough the past couple of weeks has been on a regular post, but I wanted to further reflect on how it has affected my health.

I’m not entirely sure what’s been going on, as I’ve been watching my calorie intake and, although it has been over on some days, it was under on others and the weekly average is fairly close to the goal. And yet, here I sit, 5.4 lbs heavier.

The # isn’t the only thing that is depressing, how I’ve been feeling is where I’m really feeling it. Last weekend I was feeling a little ‘off’ for most of the weekend and I woke-up on Tuesday morning with extreme lower back pain. It felt like I was having back labour all over again, as it would come in waves and have me doubled-over in pain.

The Dr thinks it was smooth muscle spasms over my intestines. But, ever since that I have not felt right. I feel worn and my insides just seem unhappy. I have felt totally bloated for the entire week, my lower back has still not settled-back to normal, and I’ve experienced pains similar to those when I was having a miscarriage inside my ‘female areas’.

I have been trying to make good decisions despite all of this crappy, crummy, depressing feelings I have been experiencing. But, I confess that I have probably failed in this more than I have succeeded. BUT, as I said at the top, my calorie count has remained pretty close to my goal (which is set to lose 1-2 lbs/week) and have gained 4.4.

On top of it, is the bloating and the feelings that go along with it. I had been feeling healthy, fit and happy and all of a sudden it seems like I feel like a big, bloated, water balloon ready to burst and spill out all over the place.

So, I’m going to put this out there, so that I have a record of it and then hit the “Dr Google” to figure out if there is something I can do re: the bloating, rapid weight gain, etc.

I am trying to remain positive and still determined to forge forwards despite this setback.

Uncomfortable in my own skin

09 Saturday Apr 2016

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I’m having one of those days when I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

I feel fat, bloated and uncomfortable in my clothes.

It’s the kind of day, physically at least, that I wish I could have stayed  home wearing the ugly, but so comfortable, clothes that only my close family ever get to see my in.

Mentally and emotionally I’m feeling good. I’ve had a positive, productive, day. But, I have just hated feeling my body.

These kinds of days can lead to downward spirals. I feel ugly and gross and all negative about myself and so, I feed that monster and, naturally, it grows.

But, I’m all about trying to learn and grow and get, even just, a teensy bit better each time.

I started this post yesterday on my way home from work. It’s now Saturday and it’s been a brutal day.

I’ve been down, cranky, weary and emotional all day long. I’ve eaten, pretty much, nothing but carbs, barely drunk any water and sat around a fair amount.

Then I danced with my son. After getting moving and raising my heart rate a little bit, I am already feeling better.

Now, sitting here, I decided to finish what I’d started (this post) and then get up and do some cleaning, and maybe even a workout. In the very least, I’ll do some cleaning and then some meal prep for tomorrow because I’m determined to eat better.

These kinds of spirals used to bring me down for months, then they began only lasting for a month, then a few weeks, a week, a few days and maybe now, a couple of days.

I am making progress.

And, with that, I sign of for the night so I can get my ass off the couch and do something productive that will keep me going in the right direction.

Every little bit helps.

Slumps

13 Sunday Mar 2016

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I go through slumps or downtimes on a regular basis. I`ve recently tried to track these in an effort to try and be prepared for when one is on its way.

I don`t know if it`s the Fibromyalgia or Hypothyroidism, SAD or just a regular phase of life. But, they can be devastating for me.

I end-up in an unhealthy downward spiral. All I want is food that will bring me joy and comfort. I reach for diet soda, chips, chocolate and toast. And, really, anything carb. There are scientific reasons for this happening in humans. It is an evolutionary tick we have that is there to help us survive when the chips are down.

I know that I need to work on the idea that food is my friend, or that food is what brings me comfort when the going gets tough.

But, that is easier said than done.

When I am stressed or feeling blue, it is my go-to.

I don`t have any close friends that I can call-up to come hang-out and we don`t have family nearby.

In my mind I know that I should find something else to do. I could write, read, workout, clean, paint or sing. Now, I just have to find the motivation to get off the couch when I feel like the world is dull and grey. That`s part of the vicious cycle.

I spent most of today under one of those dark storm clouds. It wasn`t until after I had a bath and started to move-around a bit more that I felt better.

I spent a few hours today playing Star Wars Battlefront and I think that this has a lot to do with the dark clouds. I love the game, but I`m really not happy to spend a day sitting-around playing it. And, it has, pretty much, ruined my evening workout routine, so I really need to adjust to this.

But, at the end of the day, I am still close to my calorie goal (I`m guessing I`m somewhere between 2-400 over). This may seem like a lot to you, but I used to be 1000 calories over on days like this, so I`ve been making progress.

I also slowly fade-out of tracking my food when I`m in one of these slumps. But, I know that tracking my food is one of the things that can help keep me motivated.

In fact, I`ve noticed in the last 6 months that every time I go through a dark phase, I`m handling them a little bit better than I used to. I`m happy for this, because I`m looking at a long-term change, not quick results that fade as soon as they come.

So, I`ve boiled my eggs for tomorrow, have my lettuce in bags and ready to go, and I`m all ready to start fresh again.

I`ve done the dishes and tidied up and I`m going to post this and then head upstairs for a mini workout.

I hope that anyone who is reading this and is trying to make themselves healthier is feeling encouraged and strengthened to persevere and not give up, finding that every setback gets a little easier and quicker to navigate. One day, the things that trip us up right now won`t even cause warrant a second thought.

 

Two Hearts

29 Monday Feb 2016

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According to the article “16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People”:

1. They feel more deeply. One of the hallmark characteristics of highly sensitive people is the ability to feel more deeply than their less-sensitive peers. “They like to process things on a deep level,”… “They’re very intuitive, and go very deep inside to try to figure things out.”

I suppose this was always apparent in me.

When I was a kid I used to know, intuitively, that I was supposed to love and care for every person that crossed my path.

When I was 13, I went for a 2-hour walk giving a heated speech (to no one in particular-I lived in the country and there was no one around for miles) about how homosexuals should be welcomed into society freely and without judgement. It was 1993 and I had just seen “And The Band Played On”. It infuriated me-made my blood boil. I couldn’t rest.

As if middle school wasn’t difficult enough, when I entered high school it was as if I had entered a war zone. I was completely lost.

I took every comment, every glance, every shrug, every snide remark, personally-whether, or not, it was even directed towards me.

And, as my teachers were starting to expose us to more world issues and intense literature, I found myself spiraling into a deep, dark place.

My English teacher used to tell me that I needed to learn to have “two hearts”.
He would say: “Heather, you need to learn to have two hearts. One to care for yourself and one to place all the care for the world that is constantly weighing you down.”

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do with that advice.

I still don’t know.

me at mike and dans

I have one mind. It is me. For all its greatness and all its weakness. It is what it is.

I feel things deeply. Intensely.

I can’t really explain it. Try this: think of the deepest, most intense, moments of your life: childbirth, marriage, your most intimate sexual experience, a time you felt seething anger, moments of ecstasy, etc. and multiply it by 10.
That’s how I feel about 10-20 things every day.

A memory that rises from the recesses of my brain.
A car that cuts me off as I’m crossing the street.
A careless comment uttered by my husband.
A smile from my baby.
A scene in a tv show.
The feeling of the air as it hits my skin when I step outside.
The smell of toothpaste…

It doesn’t take much to bring me into a deep, introspective, place.

High School is known for being a tough place for everyone. But, it really did almost kill me. And this is one of the reasons why.
I was being exposed to more of life and the world, but given little help in how to process and handle it all.
And so, I have spent every day since I left that hell-hole, trying to come to grips with it all.

I still have a long way to go.

*

High School Almost Killed Me

28 Sunday Feb 2016

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*

When I was 18, I over-dosed on Gravol and a few other things that I found in the cabinet.
I remember the morning as clearly as though it was yesterday.

I was tired. So, very tired.

I had just managed to scrape-through some of the roughest 3 weeks of my life. These 3 weeks were full of disappointments, let-downs, heartaches, hurtful practical jokes and endings. It was my last year of school and I was already feeling the grief of all that was being lost.

I didn’t set-out to kill myself in particular. I just wanted a break. I just wanted to be able to get-away from all the pain for a day.
To just sleep-through it all.

As the meds started to set-in I began to worry ‘what if I don’t wake-up?’ I took-out my journal and jotted-down some notes to my loved ones (just in case), and I called my Music Teacher to let him know I wouldn’t be at school or band practice that night.

And then…it all went black…

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As a, so-called, “Highly Sensitive Person”, I am amazed at how I’ve managed to make it through the turbulent waters of life.

Though, it’s certainly true that I haven’t come-through it unscathed. I have the scars to prove that I have embraced life in all its guts and glory.

This article is a good place to start on my journey because it sets the scene for who I am and how I experience the world.

Once again, for fellow HSP’s out there, or anyone who lives with an HSP, check-out the Huffington Post article:

16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People