Category Archives: Seeking Health Now

269.7 Give me Sugar and No one gets hurt

20 Wednesday Apr 2016

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I was thinking this morning about weekends. Weekends are tough. For years I have been conditioned to think that weekends are the time to have the things I won’t “allow” myself to have during the week. Weekends are for treats and enjoyment. They always feel like the time to ‘let my hair down’ and “enjoy life”.

There exists in this a false idea that I’m not “enjoying life” the other 5 days/week.

And, as I thought about how to “fix” my weekends so that they didn’t become a huge splurge-fest, I realized that the best place to start is to address this mentality. Because, I love what I eat during the week as well.

I’m not “starving myself” during the week, or forcing myself to eat foods I don’t enjoy to lose weight. First of all, I don’t have enough discipline and secondly, I like pleasure too much. Quality of life is important to me. I don’t want to suffer endlessly just to be thin. That is no way to live life.

But, I enjoy my homemade green smoothies, my salads and veggies, my eggs and toast, and water and coffee. I’m not missing out on anything. I’m eating things I enjoy.

So, why do I still have this mentality tucked-away in the recesses of my brain that tells me that I deserve to splash-out on weekends because I’ve “done so well” or “sacrificed so much” during the week?

I guess it’s that old dieters mentality. When you’ve tried to lose weight for almost your entire life, you develop a certain way of thinking. Things become classified as “good” and “bad”, there are “diet foods” and “treats” or “reward foods”.

When foods are classified in our brains as “good” there is always a sub-heading. It actually reads like this: Good – But, really bad (as in disgusting, not enjoyable, lesser-than). And, the vice versa is also true: Bad – But, really good (as in tastes so incredible, the stuff you really would rather be eating).

These headings get cemented in our brains with memories as well. For example: At birthday parties we don’t bring-out a huge veggie or fruit platter and celebrate. We do it with cake and ice cream.

As a child, whenever I went to the Dentist or Doctor, of if I had a particularly bad, or good, day at school, I was given McDonald’s or a DQ Blizzard as a special treat.

Chips, chocolate, cookies, cakes, pop, candy…these were the things you were given on special occasions. They were given to celebrate, to console, to comfort and to reward. Using these treats as a reward trains our brains to classify them as ‘better’ and the foods ‘to be desired’ and all the regular food as ‘not as good’ or ‘less special’.

There are also chemical reactions certain foods have in our brains and the release of dopamine is comparable to that of drinking alcohol or consuming other. For a bit more information you can check out these sites:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200301/real-sugar-high

http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/your-brain-on-sugar?page=1

https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/06/17/everything-you-need-to-know-about-sugar/

But, I have found, lately, as I have been trying to be more mindful when I am eating, that these “treats” are not really as enjoyable as they promise to be. There may be a a brief dopamine hit, but it fades and I realize that the actual food is not that enjoyable any more. However, because they are so wrapped-up in memories of rewards, a history of emotions, and the happy dopamine buzz, I want to keep eating them because I know, from memory, that they brought happiness and I’m expecting them to do it again.

I treated myself to a Boston Cream donut on the weekend and, it was ok. But really, my thoughts of it were ‘meh’-I didn’t really need that. BUT, when I had a few bites of my son’s grilled chicken wrap…YUM. That was something I truly enjoyed and I had wished I had skipped the donut and treated myself to one of those instead.

I have learned a lot watching my son, actually. We never fed him sweets or offered sugar cookies, drinks, etc. to him until recently. And, we found that he doesn’t like them. I suspect that this is because he has, since he was 4 months old, enjoyed natural foods and when we offer him the confectionery it just doesn’t taste as good. I’d like to raise him without the treat mentality. I want him to continue to be overjoyed when he sees we purchased a watermelon or cantaloupe and have zero feelings when he sees a packet of brownies. But, I have to get it right in myself first.

Therefore, on top of working on mindful eating, I am also going to be working on retraining my brain. I want to break this “treat mentality” and learn to have a healthier attitude to all foods.

 

271.1 – A Weighty Issue

18 Monday Apr 2016

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Throughout my life, I have found it very frustrating and discouraging how much my weight can fluctuate. My last post saw me at 268.7 and I was feeling very positive. I had given myself a goal of reaching 265 by April 30th and when I saw that # I thought, ‘maybe I can actually reach that goal’. And then, getting on the scale this morning I think ‘there’s no way I’m reaching that goal’.

This is not a new struggle. There have been many times before when I was doing great at this ‘being healthy’ thing and would step on the scale and be up a few, and as much as 5, pounds. And, historically, I would come crashing down and I would give up. ‘If I’m going to gain weight anyway, I may as well eat whatever I like.’

This see-saw of weight and emotions is one of the reasons I have decided to post my weight. It’s important for me to see that it is not the most reliable measurement of the hard work I am putting in. It’s a number. Ultimately, we want to see it trending downwards, but I’m no longer going to allow myself to be discouraged when I step on the scale and the number is up from last time.

Posting my weight (a thought that terrified me a few months ago) has been really positive for me. I used to think that someone other than me knowing what I weighed would be the most humiliating, horrible, dreadful thing.

But, posting the # has, actually, diminished its power and its hold over me. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed like I thought I would be. In fact, I’m proud. I’m proud of myself for being honest about who I am and having the guts to tell the world. I’m also proud of how I don’t feel ashamed about it. It’s good to know that I have that much respect for myself.

I have people in my life who love me just the way I am but up until now, they didn’t know the truth. They didn’t know how fat I really am, because only I knew the “real number”. Now they do. And, guess what? Nothing has changed. They still love me just as much. And now that the ‘dirty little secret’ is out and I’m still loved and accepted and there was no cataclysmic event that followed, I realize just how meaningless the # really is.

This is who I am and, I love myself for who I am. Would I like to see changes? Yes. Does that mean I don’t like myself now? No. Would I like the # to go down and be smaller? Yes. Am I going to get hung-up on it and discouraged if it doesn’t? No.

I am loved. I love myself. I’m doing my best and I am enjoying my life.

You can’t put a weight on that.

268.7

15 Friday Apr 2016

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268.7

I climbed the CN Tower!

Ok, no I haven’t. But, I’m gonna. The Spring climb of the tower is taking place this weekend and, last week, when I first heard it was happening this weekend I thought to myself ‘I want to do that’. But, I am nowhere near in shape to just jump-in and do it this weekend.

Part of me would like to try and give myself that ultimate challenge. But, the problem is that, once you get going you have no choice but getting to the top to get yourself back down. It’s not like a run where, if you just can’t go any more you can just step off to the side, rest and then go home.

You have to get to the top.

And, because I’m, seriously, afraid I would die in the attempt, I’ve decided to train with the goal of entering next spring.

There is one in Autumn as well, but I think I want to give myself a year to really prepare.

And so, I started climbing all the flights of stairs at work 2xday. My building is only 10 stories and I felt like I was dying towards the top. So, I have a long way to go.

I’m going to do the stairs 1xmorning and 1xafternoon, increasing how many times I can go up/down as I can. I’m going to stick with going up/down once until I feel like I’m not about to die around the 7th story.

After doing the stairs yesterday, I had “Gumby” legs. I felt like one of those little toys you can get where, if you press the platform that the toy is standing on downwards, the toys legs crumble.

gumby legs

I had read that climbing stairs uses the calf muscles a lot, but I was feeling it mainly in my quads and lats…until around 2am. I went to roll over in bed and felt this horrible pain in my calves. Yup, there it is. And today, I’m feeling the burn.

I love it though. I also slept better last night than I have in weeks. I’m sure this has to do with a) better diet; b) more water and; c) those breaks of exercise during the day when I got my heart pumping.

As I was climbing the stairs yesterday I wondered if you could listen to music while doing the CN Tower climb. It might be considered hazardous. But, if I could I was trying to think about what songs would be on my playlist:

Climb Every Mountain (From Sound of Music)
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough (Marvin Gaye)
The Climb (Miley Cyrus)
Don’t Stop Me Now (Queen)
Elevation (U2)

Thankfully, I have some time to create the perfect playlist.

270.3

14 Thursday Apr 2016

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It turns-out, I’ve managed to maintain the same weight for awhile. This is a good sign. This is evidence to me that, despite recent “off the rails” moments where pizza and potato chips were flowing, my gut feeling was right-I am bingeing less. I have been more mindful while eating and this has helped me to not just eat until there is nothing left to eat. When I have had chips, pizza, etc. I have stopped myself when I started feeling full or realized that I wasn’t really enjoying it anymore.

Progress.

Now, it’s time to step it up a little bit more and take it to the next level.

And, I think, that this is all happened organically as “the next level” is exactly what I initiated this week with my experiment of flipping my day on its head and having my breakfast for dinner.

It hasn’t been a picture-perfect start. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I haven’t gone into my new eating regime and done everything perfectly. In the past I would have, and it wouldn’t have lasted long.

I haven’t been “regimented” in what I had to eat, but I have really tried to stick to the ‘spirit’ of the plan.

Yesterday, I stuck to the “plan” closer than I had all week and it meant that I finished the day well-within my caloric intake goal.

Here’s how the day went: Coffee, Water and homemade Green Smoothie for Breakfast

Salad for lunch (without protein, however, because I forgot it at home)

Lean Ham sandwich, on whole wheat, with lettuce and mustard; 1 hard boiled egg, 3 pcs of rye toast (2 w marg, 1 w p.butter), cantaloupe, tea and water for dinner.

I also did a workout last night. I was 2,000 steps off my step goal and determined to go to bed over 10, 000 steps.

Also, a few weekends ago I did a crazy amount of heavy lifting (massive couches and recliners, etc.) to the point that everything was sore and shaking. But, after the pain wore-off I had some pretty bulky muscles appearing in my arms. I have lifted weights since I was in high school, though, never seriously body-building, just free weights. And so, while working on getting steps in, I did some free weight exercises as well because I didn’t want to lose those muscles.

Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty good this morning. I feel like I am heading in the right direction and the little progress that I have made so far is building a super strong foundation for me to continue to make the necessary changes that will go the distance.

It’s all about the journey.

272.3

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

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Well, I checked the weight today and was under what I thought I might be. However, it is still a gain. Sigh.

I’m not surprised and I’m definitely not feeling frustrated by it. You can’t be surprised you have gained weight when you have recently consumed pizza, chinese takeout, kfc, chocolate, chips and copious amounts of toast.

However, as I’ve stated before, in all of this I still don’t feel like I binge as badly as I used to. When I binge, I am actually consuming less and I’m off the rails for a shorter period of time. Progress.

I’m all about small victories. I am working really hard to develop a mindset and healthy lifestyle that is long-lasting, not a ‘flash in the pan’. I have to “reset” my mind, emotions, actions, approaches and lifestyle. These are not things that happen over night. I am working on changing a relationship I’ve been in my entire life. This has been an extremely unhealthy relationship that often mimics Stockholm Syndrome

Feelings of love towards my captor.

This is why I like my current idea of ‘freeing’ myself from allowing food to rule, by taking away all the questions, variables, doubts, feelings, etc. and just saying “this is what I’m eating at this time, every day”.

And, on that note, a follow-up from my first attempt to do that yesterday:

I found that, around 2pm I was really looking forward to the treat of going home and having my hard boiled eggs, toast and tea. It was great to have a “treat” in mind for the end of the day that wasn’t a guilty pleasure, but something that I had built-into a healthy menu plan of sorts.

I didn’t, however, end-up having that.

I had bought some wholegrain texas toast on the weekend with the thoughts of making french toast with it. So, that’s what I did last night. We had french toast. I did have eggs and bread for dinner, but in a different format. Not as healthy, but I was ok with that.

HOWEVER…

I was freezing cold last night and just couldn’t warm up no matter what. My nose felt like an ice block. When I’m cold I want warm, comforting, foods. So, I ate a bag of hot, steamy, popcorn. And had a few chocolate easter eggs.

I’m still calling yesterday a success. It was a good start to the experiment. Usually, if I do things perfectly out of the gate I find that I fizzle-out pretty quickly. I’m thinking that this slow, ramp-up, might actually be the best way to get into it.

We’ll see how it goes. I forgot to put my smoothie in the fridge last night, so I have a frozen chunk of spinach/vanilla greek yogurt/strawberries/bananas/ground chia/ground flax and water sitting beside me in hopes it thaws soon enough to actually have some of it for breakfast.

And, I forgot to bring some protein to add to my salad. AND, I have the dentist after work, so won’t be home and eating my eggs and toast until much later.

But, I’m still feeling positive and hopeful about it all.

So, here we go—Tuesday.

Day 1 of the Trial Meal Plan/Swap

11 Monday Apr 2016

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Today is the first day I am attempting to have my green smoothie for breakfast (along with coffee and water), a salad/or similar for lunch and my hard boiled eggs and toast for dinner.

I have already cheated this morning because I had some bread and margarine left over at work, so I had 2 ½ pieces of light rye toast with my morning coffee. But, I have no bread left here, so tomorrow morning we’ll see if I can go the entire day until home-time without bread. That’s a HUGE feat for me as I would be perfectly happy eating bread/toast with/for every meal.

It’s 12:36pm and I’m still working on my smoothie (it is still, partially, a frozen clump-) and have made a salmon sandwich (leftover salmon from last night’s dinner) with lettuce and baby carrots on the side.

I’m going to take tomorrow’s smoothie out of the freezer tonight and put it in the fridge. Hopefully, that will mean that it will be ready to eat earlier tomorrow morning.

I haven’t weighed myself in a long time, so I might do that tomorrow morning and report back. I’m guessing I’m going to be around 272.

My goals for the rest of the day are: Drink more water, finish my carrots, finish my smoothie, have 2 hd boiled eggs and 2 pcs. Of toast with tea and water for dinner and, if I need another snack, let it be fruit/veg or 100 cals or less and finally, to do some form of a workout tonight. I feel like I need a really low-key kind of evening. Maybe 1 tv show with the husband, and then some quiet time (yoga, perhaps?) and an early night to bed.

Also, I haven’t had any chocolate yet today (despite intensely craving some for most of the morning). But, I have a homemade chocolate/peanut butter/pecan cookie waiting for me at home. So, that will also be happening tonight.

Uncomfortable in my own skin

09 Saturday Apr 2016

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I’m having one of those days when I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

I feel fat, bloated and uncomfortable in my clothes.

It’s the kind of day, physically at least, that I wish I could have stayed  home wearing the ugly, but so comfortable, clothes that only my close family ever get to see my in.

Mentally and emotionally I’m feeling good. I’ve had a positive, productive, day. But, I have just hated feeling my body.

These kinds of days can lead to downward spirals. I feel ugly and gross and all negative about myself and so, I feed that monster and, naturally, it grows.

But, I’m all about trying to learn and grow and get, even just, a teensy bit better each time.

I started this post yesterday on my way home from work. It’s now Saturday and it’s been a brutal day.

I’ve been down, cranky, weary and emotional all day long. I’ve eaten, pretty much, nothing but carbs, barely drunk any water and sat around a fair amount.

Then I danced with my son. After getting moving and raising my heart rate a little bit, I am already feeling better.

Now, sitting here, I decided to finish what I’d started (this post) and then get up and do some cleaning, and maybe even a workout. In the very least, I’ll do some cleaning and then some meal prep for tomorrow because I’m determined to eat better.

These kinds of spirals used to bring me down for months, then they began only lasting for a month, then a few weeks, a week, a few days and maybe now, a couple of days.

I am making progress.

And, with that, I sign of for the night so I can get my ass off the couch and do something productive that will keep me going in the right direction.

Every little bit helps.

Groceries-Meal Planning

06 Wednesday Apr 2016

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We haven’t done a grocery shop in over a week. This means that things are running low. We’ve stopped at the corner store for milk, eggs and bread so I’ve been able to make hard boiled eggs for the week. And, I had some iceberg lettuce from our last shop, but that’s it.

When the fridge gets low on my “regular” meal/food items, disaster ensues.

This is when I start going to Tim Horton’s for breakfast sandwiches, a meal combo (of course) and since I hate the hashbrowns there it also means a donut. I could get the sandwich and the drink separately, but I’m always plagued with the idea that I’m wasting money that way. However, I think I’m going to do it the next time I cave and go to Tim Horton’s for breakfast. It may not be as economically savvy, but I don’t often even want the donut, I just get it because that’s what you do.

Other things that happen with the fridge is lacking my regular bounty of fruit, veg, smoothies and protein: we order dinner in (pizza, chicken, thai, indian), eat lunch out (Subway), eat more toast, more cereal, more chocolate, more snacks.

I’ve been realizing, lately, that I really enjoy having, basically, the same thing every morning. I’m happy with 1-2 pieces of toast, 1-2 hard-boiled eggs, water and a mocha. Ideally, I would have a diet soda as well, but I still would like to, one day, kick that habit.

This got me thinking about whether, or not, I’d be able to have set breakfast and lunch 7 days/week.

For lunch I have been enjoying salad with chicken or turkey and creamy poppyseed dressing.

I’d like to have 1 green smoothie/day as well, but fitting it into my day is a bit more tricky.

So, I’ve been contemplating trying water/coffee/green smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch and eggs and toast for dinner (I always crave toast the most at the end of the day).

But, groceries are important or else, none of this is possible.

I’m going to aim to get groceries tonight after work and then I might do a trial run for the rest of the week of following this meal plan. If I had that set and then worked-out a few snacks around the edges, this could work for me.

But, first of all, groceries.

I must get groceries.

Where is my inspiration?

04 Monday Apr 2016

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For a long time, I had a drive to meet my goals. I created a calendar that had a point system that would see my being able to purchase a flute for myself when I had reached 5,000 points.

I got points for exercising, eating my veggies, drinking water, not drinking pop, and a few other things.

This system has resulted in pretty incredible, long-lasting, changes for the better.

But, lately, I don’t feel inspired to work towards that prize like I once did.

Does this mean I should find a new prize? Has the idea of owning a flute grown stale to me?

People talk about “the big why” when you are trying to lose weight. I have mine, and one day I’ll share it with you.

But, I tend to be more inspired by tangible things. And, learning to play the flute is something I think I would, greatly, enjoy. I play the trombone, but I find it difficult to play and enjoy because I spend the entire time thinking the sound of it will be annoying to the neighbours.

But, who doesn’t like the sweet, melodic, sounds of a flute?

So, I re-did my calendar today. After a day of abysmal eating.

I hadn’t prepared food for the week.

And, I’m looking for that spark of inspiration that had me so excited at the idea of owning a flute. Maybe I need to pick another prize.

Until I feel that inspiration return to me I am going to put into practice that old trick, and am going to ‘fake it, ’till I make it’.

And so, with that, I am going to sign-off from here, go to the kitchen and boil eggs, wash lettuce, prepare salmon and get myself ready for a healthy week.

These are the moments that really count in the battle to be healthy. Not the ones where everything comes easy.

To the battle I go. Inspiration be damned.

Bubbling Up

29 Tuesday Mar 2016

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I feel like I am, slowly, making progress upwards.

That part of me that has a bit of drive, ambition and focus towards reaching my goal is gaining some momentum again.

I ate well today, am drinking tonnes of water, starting regular exercise again and feeling totally positive about it all.

One thing I am learning is that, while I have momentum, I have to maximize it. Part of my Fibromyalgia and Hypothyroidism is going through regular slumps. These slumps have taken me down every time. But, I have really been working on finding ways to prepare for them and how to get through them retaining as many good habits as I possibly can.

I want to talk about Fibromyalgia for a moment as the fact that I suffer from this was, once again, made painfully aware to me when I was on the bus today.

I sat down in a seat that has a bar attached to it and the pressure of the bar against my leg caused excruciating pain. It was as though my entire leg was deeply bruised and someone was poking me with a stick. In fact, it hurt so much that I decided to stand-up in the end.

Both Fibromyalgia and Hypothroidism are huge energy-drains. This can make it really difficult to be healthy. I often don’t feel like I have the energy to stand up, let alone prepare healthy meals or, what the freaking hell do you mean by exercise.

These illnesses are double-edged swords. The best things you can do to fend-off the negative symptoms are to eat well and exercise. But, you try to pull yourself up to do this when you feel like you are half-dead, zero energy, no drive, in pain from head to foot and your brain has turned to mush.

But, I’m determined to find my way around these illnesses and build structure into my life that will help me grind the edges of both sides of this sword so that, every time it rears its ugly head, it cuts me up a little less and I’m able to heal and bounce-back a little quicker.

I’m excited about tomorrow. I’m looking-forward to drinking more water, eating more vegetables and enjoying some movement.

I want to ride the momentum of this fizz that is bubbling up inside of me, make the most of it, continue to learn and grow, and get better than the last time.

One day, this feeling will last longer and the slumps will diminish.

So let it be written, so let it be done.