Category Archives: Seeking Health Now

When I’m Tired

27 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

When I’m tired I totally reach for the carbs. Salty, crunchy chips, chocolate and the sharp, cutting edge of a diet soda.

This is something I really want to work on. I actually plan ahead when I know a tiring time is coming. I make sure we have chips, chocolate and pop in the house. I want to find some alternatives to reaching for these ‘old friends’ for these times.

This past week I have had a bowl of cereal in the evening which, I know is still not great, but is a lot better than the alternative. BBQ Rice crisps are also good.

I did try to load my plate with more veggies during meal times recently and am especially happy because my family visited us this weekend and cooked the most amazing green beans I have ever had. I have no idea why I loved them so much, as I’ve never really enjoyed green beans before, and they didn’t do anything special to them. But, it has inspired me to buy and cook more of these. They really made me happy.

I am also determined to do a short workout before bed tonight.

Being healthy is tough when tired. And I’m tired most of the time. I am learning that I have to start preparing for these times. I mean, if I could think-ahead and prepare by gathering unhealthy stuff for the times when I know I’m going to be tired, I can do it with healthy things too, right?

And, on that note, time to log-off and go do something healthy before bed.

 

Mindful Eating Reflections

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Well, I’ve done 2 days with being much more active in my attempts to practice mindful eating and, I have to say, I definitely notice a change for the better.

Now, having said that, I did just eat half a bag of BBQ rice crisps while playing Star Wars Battlefront.

And, by the way, I’ve decided that Battlefront has become my #1 nemesis in this fight to become healthier.

—-break—-

Confession: I got distracted while writing this post and starting composing a song. So, it’s going to end a bit shorter than I had originally planned.

Here are a few moments I experienced while practicing mindful eating:

  1. While eating breakfast yesterday I realized that I was full, despite the fact I still had a piece of toast and an egg. I decided to just toss them out instead of forcing myself to eat them. I finished breakfast feeling wonderful. I felt like I had consumed what I needed and wasn’t thwarted by that horrible feeling you get when you know you ate too much.
  2. I had 3 pieces of reheated pizza for lunch (reheated in the oven is better than when it is fresh). I loved every bite I took. Once again, 3 pieces was exactly right. I didn’t feel like I needed anything else for the rest of the afternoon and I didn’t feel over-full.
  3. I had Chinese takeout later last night (9pm). This came as a result of a series of unfortunate events. And, needless to say, before it arrived I told my partner that we shouldn’t had ordered it and I should have just had toast. BUT, actually, once again, I found that I enjoyed every bite of it. I didn’t overdo it. When I caught myself stuffing french fries into my mouth thoughtlessly (yes, I order fries with our Chinese food…this place makes french fries that remind me of the chips in New Zealand), I stopped and asked myself if I was even tasting them? Was I enjoying every bite? Did I still want more? This made the whole experience so much better. I also didn’t feel guilty about eating it, because I had made an informed decision from a place of strength, not weakness. I did end-up with some major acid reflux after this, however.
  4. I had a piece of fudge when I first sat down to write tonight. We had a pot-luck at work today and someone made fudge and I wrapped a few pieces to take home with me. But, I only had one piece. This is a miracle. Seriously. I think the Pope, himself, would grant me sainthood for this fact.
  5. I am seriously eager to try this again tomorrow.

 

Mindful Eating

19 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

I’ve been thinking about mindful eating for the past 6 months. I need to do more research about it, but I found this article that gives a good, quick, overview about what it is: Mindful Eating

I was thinking about it again tonight when I chewed my way through half a family size bag of all dressed chips despite the fact that the inside of my mouth was raw and I really wasn’t even enjoying it anymore.

I have, in the past few months, been able to recognize that I was no longer needing or enjoying what I was eating, and been able to stop. But, it’s still the exception, not the norm.

I want to get much better at mindful eating. The times I have been successful in this practice I find I feel better, food tastes better, I enjoy everything more and I make better choices.

When I’m truly being mindful and honest about what I’m eating and how I’m feeling while I eat, I realize that all the junk I think I want, or deserve, to have isn’t actually, as enjoyable as I think it should be.

Apples, lettuce, plain baked potatoes and simple grilled chicken actually all taste great, make me feel great, and make me immensely happy.

So, why isn’t it easier for me to make better choices about what I eat?

I think the main reason has to do with my relationship to food.

Food is my friend, a comfort, a reward for a job well done, a solace for when I’ve failed. And the list goes on.

But, when I’m finding myself at the bottom of a bag of chips, and I tune into how I’m truly feeling, I realize that food is none of those things.

Food can taste good, to be sure, and can certainly have both positive and negative effects, but it was never meant to be a person with whom I’m in a relationship.

Mindfulness has been teaching me how this needs to change.

I’m going to try and be extra mindful about what I’m eating tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Sexual Abuse and Being Fat

17 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now, Seeking Life Now

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

*

At risk of contradicting myself (see previous post entitled “Shame, Shame-Double Shame”), I want to take a moment to talk about the effects of sexual assault in regards to shame.

Another reason I feel more comfortable “covered” is because I was sexually molested twice as a child.

I start to feel uneasy when I think that too much of my body is exposed. I don’t being uncovered. I don’t like giving guys a reason to look at my body.

Because two grown men looked at my body when I was a child, liked what they saw and decided that it was something to take for themselves.

And so, staying fat is also a way to protect myself.

The second I think a man might be noticing me for my looks, I start to feel uneasy, my body temperature rises, I get queasy and my mind starts to spin out of control. It’s a panic attack.

Feeling shame, or ashamed, results in a wanting to cover oneself. Many women who have suffered sexual abuse are overweight or obese and find it very difficult to lose weight. Being bigger and unattractive can make us feel safe. No one will want to do that to us again. No one will want this. If I give it up, who knows what they will do to me again.

Even now that I am happily married, have a son, a family that loves and supports me, I am scared all the time that if I look too good, something bad is going to happen to me.

For those of us who carry around this shame in our bodies, the battle we face is an exhausting, uphill and constant struggle.

If someone thinks we look good, it’s difficult to separate that compliment from the feelings that ‘looking good’ to someone is shameful because shameful things are done to you when you look good to people.

We feel as though our own bodies have betrayed us. Our bodies have caused horrible things to happen to us. It’s because of how our bodies looked that people touched us inappropriately and did things that robbed us of our innocence. We feel ashamed.

And so, we hide.

We hide behind hoodies and jogging pants. Behind pigtails and messy hair. We hide behind humour and bubbly personalities. And, we hide behind fat.

We have to learn that it was not our fault. It was not our body’s fault. Our breasts aren’t to blame. Our skin is not in the wrong. Our thighs are not the problem. Even our most intimate of places have done no wrong to us.

Your body did not betray you. Your body did not fail you, or allow this to happen. It was not in agreement with any of it. Your flesh did not betray you.

For us this journey is about learning to feel safe in our own skin. We have to learn to make our bodies our allies, not our enemies. We have to learn to trust our flesh. We have to learn to forgive ourselves for hating ourselves so much.

I am trying to become friends with my body again.

*

Shame, Shame-Double Shame

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now, Seeking Life Now

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

*

When you’re fat, overweight, obese, plump, “big-boned”, curvy or whatever it is you like to call yourself when you are much heavier than you should be, shame is a constant companion.

According to the Wikipedia article on shame, “The roots of the word shame are thought to derive from an older word meaning “to cover”; as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a natural expression of shame.”

And so, you will find those of us who are “plus size” draped in outfits that closely resemble bed sheets and garbage bags. We know that what we have isn’t considered beautiful, but that’s not really where the shame originates.

The shame is not created by knowing that people think we’re unattractive, it’s from people judging us every time we have a cookie or a cheeseburger, or assume we spend all our time slumped on the couch with a bag of cheesies in one hand and a tub of ice cream in the other.

I sit down on the streetcar and feel people are thinking ‘that fat and lazy slob should stand up. It might help her, actually, lose some weight. No wonder she’s fat.’

I get a donut with my steeped tea and feel people behind me, checking-out my back fat and can hear their thoughts out loud, ‘oh, honey. Put it down and walk away. That’s why you are so fat’.

Even though my grocery cart is always full of fruits and veggies, when I get to the checkout, I feel like everyone around me is thinking: ‘good for you, girl. I hope you can keep on this diet. Good luck’.

And, based on the nasty comments I’ve heard (and made) over the years (yes, fat people judge other fat people), I know that I am being judged.

And, so, I cloak myself to hide my shame.

I hide behind a bubbly attitude, bright sense of humour and quick-wit. Fat people have learned to protect ourselves by finding ways to disarm people before they attack. We make fun of ourselves first, so that the judgement and jokes of about our size won’t hurt as much.

But, it actually doesn’t really work. We feel hurt all the time.

And, it doesn’t matter how many times we’ve been judged, teased, had jokes made at our expense ‘in good fun’, or been fat-shamed, when it happens again it strikes at the very core of our being.

And so, I am desperately trying to turn the tides of shame. And, I’m starting with truly learning how to love myself.

It may sound silly to you, but I’ve started wearing a bit of makeup most days to work, I have bought a few dresses that are so far out of my usual “comfort” clothes in which I can hide myself away.

And, surprisingly, this has made a huge difference. Every time I apply the mascara, or slip the bright red dress on over my head, I feel this little idea growing inside of me-‘you are worth it’.

I am removing the layers I have been hiding under for years. I am allowing myself the freedom to be seen. To be beautiful. To feel good about myself.

As my feelings of worth increase, I begin to process decisions, not from a place of shame or judgement, but by deciding what’s best for me. Because I deserve the best.

I still have a long way to go. But, slowly, I am removing my cloak of shame and learning how to truly love myself.

When deciding whether, or not, I want to buy a bag of chips, the voice in my head has always said things like: ‘go ahead, fatty. You’re never going to be thin so you may as well enjoy yourself.’ ‘Have the chips, fatty. Nobody cares about you or how you feel. You may as well have some comfort in knowing that.’ ‘You deserve those chips. You deserve how they will make you feel more fat and helpless’.

When I’m trying to make choices about food these days my new mantra is: ‘You deserve the best. Is this the best?’

You deserve the best.

You deserve the best.

Believe me. It’s true.

You deserve the best.

You.

You deserve the best.

*

 

Day? i’v e stopped keeping track

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

So, I’m nowhere near organized enough to do what I had originally planned and touch-base every day with my stats.

So, you’re going to get what you get for now.

I weighed in this morning at 269lbs. So, 1 lbs down from my previous check-in. I think this was, mostly, due to a decrease in appetite yesterday.

Today I have eaten to make up for it, so bye-bye 1 lbs lost.

I hate daylight savings. I was doing great and my energy was up and then BAM! It’s like someone pulled the carpet out from under me.

Suddenly, I’m thrust back into darkness in the mornings and my energy drops through the floor.

I haven’t been logging my food, either.

But, I can tell you that I had a chocolate glazed donut, 5 mini hershey squares and 4 blueberry waffles today. That’s not all I ate, of course, but that’s the unhealthy stuff.

I also had, about, 6 servings of vegetables. They were on 2 six inch subs from Subway and in our chicken fajitas tonight….so, I’m guessing my calorie intake is, probably, about 700 over my goal.

I have done a bit of exercise in the past couple of days, but really nothing major. I’m talking a few push-ups here, a 16 second plank there, 12 squats…

My work has been extremely stressful for me for several months and this week has, truly, had me run off my feet. The fact that I spend my day in a “spin” is part of why I’m struggling. Having to log food just feels like even more responsibility and work that I have to try and fit in, despite the fact that I’m not keeping-up with my job.

However, I know that I have to put some healthy boundaries in place and take care of myself. If I can’t make 30 minutes for myself every day, there is something seriously wrong.

So, despite the fact that I just made 4 blueberry waffles and am watching “The Amazing Race” with my husband, instead of returning to my hole on the couch, I came over to the table to write.

Another little victory.

Every time I make a good decision like this one, I feel it gives me strength to make even more good decisions.

Maybe I’ll even try a quick yoga session before bed tonight.

Little choices. Little victories. Little moments.

Lifelong changes.

 

 

Slumps

13 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

I go through slumps or downtimes on a regular basis. I`ve recently tried to track these in an effort to try and be prepared for when one is on its way.

I don`t know if it`s the Fibromyalgia or Hypothyroidism, SAD or just a regular phase of life. But, they can be devastating for me.

I end-up in an unhealthy downward spiral. All I want is food that will bring me joy and comfort. I reach for diet soda, chips, chocolate and toast. And, really, anything carb. There are scientific reasons for this happening in humans. It is an evolutionary tick we have that is there to help us survive when the chips are down.

I know that I need to work on the idea that food is my friend, or that food is what brings me comfort when the going gets tough.

But, that is easier said than done.

When I am stressed or feeling blue, it is my go-to.

I don`t have any close friends that I can call-up to come hang-out and we don`t have family nearby.

In my mind I know that I should find something else to do. I could write, read, workout, clean, paint or sing. Now, I just have to find the motivation to get off the couch when I feel like the world is dull and grey. That`s part of the vicious cycle.

I spent most of today under one of those dark storm clouds. It wasn`t until after I had a bath and started to move-around a bit more that I felt better.

I spent a few hours today playing Star Wars Battlefront and I think that this has a lot to do with the dark clouds. I love the game, but I`m really not happy to spend a day sitting-around playing it. And, it has, pretty much, ruined my evening workout routine, so I really need to adjust to this.

But, at the end of the day, I am still close to my calorie goal (I`m guessing I`m somewhere between 2-400 over). This may seem like a lot to you, but I used to be 1000 calories over on days like this, so I`ve been making progress.

I also slowly fade-out of tracking my food when I`m in one of these slumps. But, I know that tracking my food is one of the things that can help keep me motivated.

In fact, I`ve noticed in the last 6 months that every time I go through a dark phase, I`m handling them a little bit better than I used to. I`m happy for this, because I`m looking at a long-term change, not quick results that fade as soon as they come.

So, I`ve boiled my eggs for tomorrow, have my lettuce in bags and ready to go, and I`m all ready to start fresh again.

I`ve done the dishes and tidied up and I`m going to post this and then head upstairs for a mini workout.

I hope that anyone who is reading this and is trying to make themselves healthier is feeling encouraged and strengthened to persevere and not give up, finding that every setback gets a little easier and quicker to navigate. One day, the things that trip us up right now won`t even cause warrant a second thought.

 

Pizza and Exhaustion

10 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now, Seeking Life Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

When I’m exhausted I have no resolve.

My husband suggests we order pizza for dinner and, even though I know I shouldn’t do it, I agree.

Not only do I agree, but I arrange for us to also get the super-duper, gooey, yummy, cookie-pizza thing as well.

Yeah….so that was my day.

I was doing fairly good up until that point.

I’m already exhausted and have spent 2 hours trying to rearrange my blog site to better suit my preferences.

Exercise? Well, I did hold a downward dog position for 5 minutes while my son sent trucks, buses and cars flying through the tunnel I had created with my body.

Now that I have my blog site a little bit more user-friendly for my purposes, I will be back to the business of writing and getting healthy tomorrow.

For now, I’m going to be heading to a much-deserved, well-earned, rest.

Good night one-good night all.

*

End of Day 2

08 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

I’m tired tonight. But, I’m determined to do my 10 minutes of exercise, or more. I have been swamped at work and, therefore, am finding myself sitting at my desk for hours on end, with little movement.
I need to move.
So, after we’ve watched The Amazing Race, I will be heading upstairs to do it.

Also, I weighed myself this morning and found that I was 270 lbs, not 275. So, I’m already 5 lbs down towards my goal.

Starting weight: 275 lbs

Height: 5”3

Goal Weight: 185 lbs

Current Weight: 270 lbs

Lbs Lost: 5 lbs

LBS to Lose: 85 lbs

Exercise Goal: 3x/week (for now)

Daily Calories: 1812

Veggie Servings: 6

Fruit Servings: 1

Water: 72 ounces

Chocolate: 1/Nutella on toast

Protein: 3 servings

Pop: 2 😦

Nutritional Goals (These will change depending on my progress, etc.):

Goal 1800 Calories/Day:

1 Serving Vegetables 1xDay:

1 Serving Fruit 1xDay

1 Serving Protein 1xDay

72 ounces Water/Daily

No Pop

1 Serving Chocolate/Day (at the most)

Calories vs. Healthy eating

08 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

I have seen a nutritionist recently to help me with accountability and to help address some concerns about my diet and hypothyroidism. I was so proud to share a few weeks worth of food diaries with her, I had been eating lots of fruits, veggies and good proteins and had kept my diet pop and chocolate intake down to only 1-2/week.
I was so disappointed and disheartened when he response to me was only that I should keep all fats and snacks down to less than 100 calories.

She didn’t seem to consider the fact that I only had one snack a day and it was a homemade smoothie made from spinach, almond milk, bananas, apples, berries and plain Greek yogurt. Who cares if it’s over 100 calories? I was only just over my daily intake and I had just consumed almost a day’s worth of fruits and veg.

She didn’t even acknowledge how healthy I was eating.

It made me wonder if her take on it was that staying below the calorie goal was more important than eating healthy.

I would rather be 300 calories over having eaten healthy foods all day, than 300 calories under but having eaten junk.

Am I wrong?

I know that, ultimately, the goal is to get the calories at the goal while eating healthy. But, I believe the best way to do that is eat more healthy foods until that becomes the norm, and then work on the calories.