Tag Archives: Weight Loss

270.3

14 Thursday Apr 2016

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It turns-out, I’ve managed to maintain the same weight for awhile. This is a good sign. This is evidence to me that, despite recent “off the rails” moments where pizza and potato chips were flowing, my gut feeling was right-I am bingeing less. I have been more mindful while eating and this has helped me to not just eat until there is nothing left to eat. When I have had chips, pizza, etc. I have stopped myself when I started feeling full or realized that I wasn’t really enjoying it anymore.

Progress.

Now, it’s time to step it up a little bit more and take it to the next level.

And, I think, that this is all happened organically as “the next level” is exactly what I initiated this week with my experiment of flipping my day on its head and having my breakfast for dinner.

It hasn’t been a picture-perfect start. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I haven’t gone into my new eating regime and done everything perfectly. In the past I would have, and it wouldn’t have lasted long.

I haven’t been “regimented” in what I had to eat, but I have really tried to stick to the ‘spirit’ of the plan.

Yesterday, I stuck to the “plan” closer than I had all week and it meant that I finished the day well-within my caloric intake goal.

Here’s how the day went: Coffee, Water and homemade Green Smoothie for Breakfast

Salad for lunch (without protein, however, because I forgot it at home)

Lean Ham sandwich, on whole wheat, with lettuce and mustard; 1 hard boiled egg, 3 pcs of rye toast (2 w marg, 1 w p.butter), cantaloupe, tea and water for dinner.

I also did a workout last night. I was 2,000 steps off my step goal and determined to go to bed over 10, 000 steps.

Also, a few weekends ago I did a crazy amount of heavy lifting (massive couches and recliners, etc.) to the point that everything was sore and shaking. But, after the pain wore-off I had some pretty bulky muscles appearing in my arms. I have lifted weights since I was in high school, though, never seriously body-building, just free weights. And so, while working on getting steps in, I did some free weight exercises as well because I didn’t want to lose those muscles.

Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty good this morning. I feel like I am heading in the right direction and the little progress that I have made so far is building a super strong foundation for me to continue to make the necessary changes that will go the distance.

It’s all about the journey.

272.3

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

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Well, I checked the weight today and was under what I thought I might be. However, it is still a gain. Sigh.

I’m not surprised and I’m definitely not feeling frustrated by it. You can’t be surprised you have gained weight when you have recently consumed pizza, chinese takeout, kfc, chocolate, chips and copious amounts of toast.

However, as I’ve stated before, in all of this I still don’t feel like I binge as badly as I used to. When I binge, I am actually consuming less and I’m off the rails for a shorter period of time. Progress.

I’m all about small victories. I am working really hard to develop a mindset and healthy lifestyle that is long-lasting, not a ‘flash in the pan’. I have to “reset” my mind, emotions, actions, approaches and lifestyle. These are not things that happen over night. I am working on changing a relationship I’ve been in my entire life. This has been an extremely unhealthy relationship that often mimics Stockholm Syndrome

Feelings of love towards my captor.

This is why I like my current idea of ‘freeing’ myself from allowing food to rule, by taking away all the questions, variables, doubts, feelings, etc. and just saying “this is what I’m eating at this time, every day”.

And, on that note, a follow-up from my first attempt to do that yesterday:

I found that, around 2pm I was really looking forward to the treat of going home and having my hard boiled eggs, toast and tea. It was great to have a “treat” in mind for the end of the day that wasn’t a guilty pleasure, but something that I had built-into a healthy menu plan of sorts.

I didn’t, however, end-up having that.

I had bought some wholegrain texas toast on the weekend with the thoughts of making french toast with it. So, that’s what I did last night. We had french toast. I did have eggs and bread for dinner, but in a different format. Not as healthy, but I was ok with that.

HOWEVER…

I was freezing cold last night and just couldn’t warm up no matter what. My nose felt like an ice block. When I’m cold I want warm, comforting, foods. So, I ate a bag of hot, steamy, popcorn. And had a few chocolate easter eggs.

I’m still calling yesterday a success. It was a good start to the experiment. Usually, if I do things perfectly out of the gate I find that I fizzle-out pretty quickly. I’m thinking that this slow, ramp-up, might actually be the best way to get into it.

We’ll see how it goes. I forgot to put my smoothie in the fridge last night, so I have a frozen chunk of spinach/vanilla greek yogurt/strawberries/bananas/ground chia/ground flax and water sitting beside me in hopes it thaws soon enough to actually have some of it for breakfast.

And, I forgot to bring some protein to add to my salad. AND, I have the dentist after work, so won’t be home and eating my eggs and toast until much later.

But, I’m still feeling positive and hopeful about it all.

So, here we go—Tuesday.

Day 1 of the Trial Meal Plan/Swap

11 Monday Apr 2016

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Today is the first day I am attempting to have my green smoothie for breakfast (along with coffee and water), a salad/or similar for lunch and my hard boiled eggs and toast for dinner.

I have already cheated this morning because I had some bread and margarine left over at work, so I had 2 ½ pieces of light rye toast with my morning coffee. But, I have no bread left here, so tomorrow morning we’ll see if I can go the entire day until home-time without bread. That’s a HUGE feat for me as I would be perfectly happy eating bread/toast with/for every meal.

It’s 12:36pm and I’m still working on my smoothie (it is still, partially, a frozen clump-) and have made a salmon sandwich (leftover salmon from last night’s dinner) with lettuce and baby carrots on the side.

I’m going to take tomorrow’s smoothie out of the freezer tonight and put it in the fridge. Hopefully, that will mean that it will be ready to eat earlier tomorrow morning.

I haven’t weighed myself in a long time, so I might do that tomorrow morning and report back. I’m guessing I’m going to be around 272.

My goals for the rest of the day are: Drink more water, finish my carrots, finish my smoothie, have 2 hd boiled eggs and 2 pcs. Of toast with tea and water for dinner and, if I need another snack, let it be fruit/veg or 100 cals or less and finally, to do some form of a workout tonight. I feel like I need a really low-key kind of evening. Maybe 1 tv show with the husband, and then some quiet time (yoga, perhaps?) and an early night to bed.

Also, I haven’t had any chocolate yet today (despite intensely craving some for most of the morning). But, I have a homemade chocolate/peanut butter/pecan cookie waiting for me at home. So, that will also be happening tonight.

Uncomfortable in my own skin

09 Saturday Apr 2016

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I’m having one of those days when I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

I feel fat, bloated and uncomfortable in my clothes.

It’s the kind of day, physically at least, that I wish I could have stayed  home wearing the ugly, but so comfortable, clothes that only my close family ever get to see my in.

Mentally and emotionally I’m feeling good. I’ve had a positive, productive, day. But, I have just hated feeling my body.

These kinds of days can lead to downward spirals. I feel ugly and gross and all negative about myself and so, I feed that monster and, naturally, it grows.

But, I’m all about trying to learn and grow and get, even just, a teensy bit better each time.

I started this post yesterday on my way home from work. It’s now Saturday and it’s been a brutal day.

I’ve been down, cranky, weary and emotional all day long. I’ve eaten, pretty much, nothing but carbs, barely drunk any water and sat around a fair amount.

Then I danced with my son. After getting moving and raising my heart rate a little bit, I am already feeling better.

Now, sitting here, I decided to finish what I’d started (this post) and then get up and do some cleaning, and maybe even a workout. In the very least, I’ll do some cleaning and then some meal prep for tomorrow because I’m determined to eat better.

These kinds of spirals used to bring me down for months, then they began only lasting for a month, then a few weeks, a week, a few days and maybe now, a couple of days.

I am making progress.

And, with that, I sign of for the night so I can get my ass off the couch and do something productive that will keep me going in the right direction.

Every little bit helps.

Groceries-Meal Planning

06 Wednesday Apr 2016

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We haven’t done a grocery shop in over a week. This means that things are running low. We’ve stopped at the corner store for milk, eggs and bread so I’ve been able to make hard boiled eggs for the week. And, I had some iceberg lettuce from our last shop, but that’s it.

When the fridge gets low on my “regular” meal/food items, disaster ensues.

This is when I start going to Tim Horton’s for breakfast sandwiches, a meal combo (of course) and since I hate the hashbrowns there it also means a donut. I could get the sandwich and the drink separately, but I’m always plagued with the idea that I’m wasting money that way. However, I think I’m going to do it the next time I cave and go to Tim Horton’s for breakfast. It may not be as economically savvy, but I don’t often even want the donut, I just get it because that’s what you do.

Other things that happen with the fridge is lacking my regular bounty of fruit, veg, smoothies and protein: we order dinner in (pizza, chicken, thai, indian), eat lunch out (Subway), eat more toast, more cereal, more chocolate, more snacks.

I’ve been realizing, lately, that I really enjoy having, basically, the same thing every morning. I’m happy with 1-2 pieces of toast, 1-2 hard-boiled eggs, water and a mocha. Ideally, I would have a diet soda as well, but I still would like to, one day, kick that habit.

This got me thinking about whether, or not, I’d be able to have set breakfast and lunch 7 days/week.

For lunch I have been enjoying salad with chicken or turkey and creamy poppyseed dressing.

I’d like to have 1 green smoothie/day as well, but fitting it into my day is a bit more tricky.

So, I’ve been contemplating trying water/coffee/green smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch and eggs and toast for dinner (I always crave toast the most at the end of the day).

But, groceries are important or else, none of this is possible.

I’m going to aim to get groceries tonight after work and then I might do a trial run for the rest of the week of following this meal plan. If I had that set and then worked-out a few snacks around the edges, this could work for me.

But, first of all, groceries.

I must get groceries.

Where is my inspiration?

04 Monday Apr 2016

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For a long time, I had a drive to meet my goals. I created a calendar that had a point system that would see my being able to purchase a flute for myself when I had reached 5,000 points.

I got points for exercising, eating my veggies, drinking water, not drinking pop, and a few other things.

This system has resulted in pretty incredible, long-lasting, changes for the better.

But, lately, I don’t feel inspired to work towards that prize like I once did.

Does this mean I should find a new prize? Has the idea of owning a flute grown stale to me?

People talk about “the big why” when you are trying to lose weight. I have mine, and one day I’ll share it with you.

But, I tend to be more inspired by tangible things. And, learning to play the flute is something I think I would, greatly, enjoy. I play the trombone, but I find it difficult to play and enjoy because I spend the entire time thinking the sound of it will be annoying to the neighbours.

But, who doesn’t like the sweet, melodic, sounds of a flute?

So, I re-did my calendar today. After a day of abysmal eating.

I hadn’t prepared food for the week.

And, I’m looking for that spark of inspiration that had me so excited at the idea of owning a flute. Maybe I need to pick another prize.

Until I feel that inspiration return to me I am going to put into practice that old trick, and am going to ‘fake it, ’till I make it’.

And so, with that, I am going to sign-off from here, go to the kitchen and boil eggs, wash lettuce, prepare salmon and get myself ready for a healthy week.

These are the moments that really count in the battle to be healthy. Not the ones where everything comes easy.

To the battle I go. Inspiration be damned.

When I’m Tired

27 Sunday Mar 2016

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When I’m tired I totally reach for the carbs. Salty, crunchy chips, chocolate and the sharp, cutting edge of a diet soda.

This is something I really want to work on. I actually plan ahead when I know a tiring time is coming. I make sure we have chips, chocolate and pop in the house. I want to find some alternatives to reaching for these ‘old friends’ for these times.

This past week I have had a bowl of cereal in the evening which, I know is still not great, but is a lot better than the alternative. BBQ Rice crisps are also good.

I did try to load my plate with more veggies during meal times recently and am especially happy because my family visited us this weekend and cooked the most amazing green beans I have ever had. I have no idea why I loved them so much, as I’ve never really enjoyed green beans before, and they didn’t do anything special to them. But, it has inspired me to buy and cook more of these. They really made me happy.

I am also determined to do a short workout before bed tonight.

Being healthy is tough when tired. And I’m tired most of the time. I am learning that I have to start preparing for these times. I mean, if I could think-ahead and prepare by gathering unhealthy stuff for the times when I know I’m going to be tired, I can do it with healthy things too, right?

And, on that note, time to log-off and go do something healthy before bed.

 

Mindful Eating Reflections

21 Monday Mar 2016

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Well, I’ve done 2 days with being much more active in my attempts to practice mindful eating and, I have to say, I definitely notice a change for the better.

Now, having said that, I did just eat half a bag of BBQ rice crisps while playing Star Wars Battlefront.

And, by the way, I’ve decided that Battlefront has become my #1 nemesis in this fight to become healthier.

—-break—-

Confession: I got distracted while writing this post and starting composing a song. So, it’s going to end a bit shorter than I had originally planned.

Here are a few moments I experienced while practicing mindful eating:

  1. While eating breakfast yesterday I realized that I was full, despite the fact I still had a piece of toast and an egg. I decided to just toss them out instead of forcing myself to eat them. I finished breakfast feeling wonderful. I felt like I had consumed what I needed and wasn’t thwarted by that horrible feeling you get when you know you ate too much.
  2. I had 3 pieces of reheated pizza for lunch (reheated in the oven is better than when it is fresh). I loved every bite I took. Once again, 3 pieces was exactly right. I didn’t feel like I needed anything else for the rest of the afternoon and I didn’t feel over-full.
  3. I had Chinese takeout later last night (9pm). This came as a result of a series of unfortunate events. And, needless to say, before it arrived I told my partner that we shouldn’t had ordered it and I should have just had toast. BUT, actually, once again, I found that I enjoyed every bite of it. I didn’t overdo it. When I caught myself stuffing french fries into my mouth thoughtlessly (yes, I order fries with our Chinese food…this place makes french fries that remind me of the chips in New Zealand), I stopped and asked myself if I was even tasting them? Was I enjoying every bite? Did I still want more? This made the whole experience so much better. I also didn’t feel guilty about eating it, because I had made an informed decision from a place of strength, not weakness. I did end-up with some major acid reflux after this, however.
  4. I had a piece of fudge when I first sat down to write tonight. We had a pot-luck at work today and someone made fudge and I wrapped a few pieces to take home with me. But, I only had one piece. This is a miracle. Seriously. I think the Pope, himself, would grant me sainthood for this fact.
  5. I am seriously eager to try this again tomorrow.

 

Mindful Eating

19 Saturday Mar 2016

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I’ve been thinking about mindful eating for the past 6 months. I need to do more research about it, but I found this article that gives a good, quick, overview about what it is: Mindful Eating

I was thinking about it again tonight when I chewed my way through half a family size bag of all dressed chips despite the fact that the inside of my mouth was raw and I really wasn’t even enjoying it anymore.

I have, in the past few months, been able to recognize that I was no longer needing or enjoying what I was eating, and been able to stop. But, it’s still the exception, not the norm.

I want to get much better at mindful eating. The times I have been successful in this practice I find I feel better, food tastes better, I enjoy everything more and I make better choices.

When I’m truly being mindful and honest about what I’m eating and how I’m feeling while I eat, I realize that all the junk I think I want, or deserve, to have isn’t actually, as enjoyable as I think it should be.

Apples, lettuce, plain baked potatoes and simple grilled chicken actually all taste great, make me feel great, and make me immensely happy.

So, why isn’t it easier for me to make better choices about what I eat?

I think the main reason has to do with my relationship to food.

Food is my friend, a comfort, a reward for a job well done, a solace for when I’ve failed. And the list goes on.

But, when I’m finding myself at the bottom of a bag of chips, and I tune into how I’m truly feeling, I realize that food is none of those things.

Food can taste good, to be sure, and can certainly have both positive and negative effects, but it was never meant to be a person with whom I’m in a relationship.

Mindfulness has been teaching me how this needs to change.

I’m going to try and be extra mindful about what I’m eating tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Shame, Shame-Double Shame

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

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When you’re fat, overweight, obese, plump, “big-boned”, curvy or whatever it is you like to call yourself when you are much heavier than you should be, shame is a constant companion.

According to the Wikipedia article on shame, “The roots of the word shame are thought to derive from an older word meaning “to cover”; as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a natural expression of shame.”

And so, you will find those of us who are “plus size” draped in outfits that closely resemble bed sheets and garbage bags. We know that what we have isn’t considered beautiful, but that’s not really where the shame originates.

The shame is not created by knowing that people think we’re unattractive, it’s from people judging us every time we have a cookie or a cheeseburger, or assume we spend all our time slumped on the couch with a bag of cheesies in one hand and a tub of ice cream in the other.

I sit down on the streetcar and feel people are thinking ‘that fat and lazy slob should stand up. It might help her, actually, lose some weight. No wonder she’s fat.’

I get a donut with my steeped tea and feel people behind me, checking-out my back fat and can hear their thoughts out loud, ‘oh, honey. Put it down and walk away. That’s why you are so fat’.

Even though my grocery cart is always full of fruits and veggies, when I get to the checkout, I feel like everyone around me is thinking: ‘good for you, girl. I hope you can keep on this diet. Good luck’.

And, based on the nasty comments I’ve heard (and made) over the years (yes, fat people judge other fat people), I know that I am being judged.

And, so, I cloak myself to hide my shame.

I hide behind a bubbly attitude, bright sense of humour and quick-wit. Fat people have learned to protect ourselves by finding ways to disarm people before they attack. We make fun of ourselves first, so that the judgement and jokes of about our size won’t hurt as much.

But, it actually doesn’t really work. We feel hurt all the time.

And, it doesn’t matter how many times we’ve been judged, teased, had jokes made at our expense ‘in good fun’, or been fat-shamed, when it happens again it strikes at the very core of our being.

And so, I am desperately trying to turn the tides of shame. And, I’m starting with truly learning how to love myself.

It may sound silly to you, but I’ve started wearing a bit of makeup most days to work, I have bought a few dresses that are so far out of my usual “comfort” clothes in which I can hide myself away.

And, surprisingly, this has made a huge difference. Every time I apply the mascara, or slip the bright red dress on over my head, I feel this little idea growing inside of me-‘you are worth it’.

I am removing the layers I have been hiding under for years. I am allowing myself the freedom to be seen. To be beautiful. To feel good about myself.

As my feelings of worth increase, I begin to process decisions, not from a place of shame or judgement, but by deciding what’s best for me. Because I deserve the best.

I still have a long way to go. But, slowly, I am removing my cloak of shame and learning how to truly love myself.

When deciding whether, or not, I want to buy a bag of chips, the voice in my head has always said things like: ‘go ahead, fatty. You’re never going to be thin so you may as well enjoy yourself.’ ‘Have the chips, fatty. Nobody cares about you or how you feel. You may as well have some comfort in knowing that.’ ‘You deserve those chips. You deserve how they will make you feel more fat and helpless’.

When I’m trying to make choices about food these days my new mantra is: ‘You deserve the best. Is this the best?’

You deserve the best.

You deserve the best.

Believe me. It’s true.

You deserve the best.

You.

You deserve the best.

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