Tag Archives: Write

Just Get Off Your Ass and Do It

06 Friday Oct 2017

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now, Seeking Life Now

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I’ve been in a rut. Life has changed time and again over the past 5 months and I think I am just starting to feel the effects of it now.

As of April: I left my job of almost 7 years, we packed-up our house and moved from the city to the country (moving-in with my parents), I stayed home and took care of my son for 4 months, my husband got a job with hours that have drastically altered our family dynamic, my son started school, I can’t get a Doctor (despite calling the clinic almost every week to see if anyone is taking new patients), I got a casual job at the local school board and I have also started school as a full-time University Student (working on my BA in English through Queens Distance).

I tend to be the type of person who just ‘puts my nose to the ground’ and gets-on with things, without dwelling much on the enormity of things, because I fear that if I let myself think about it, I will drown.

The problem?

I take it out on my health. Instead of allowing myself to think about it, feel the emotions and work-through it all, I eat. I eat them away.

The truth is, I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted and tired and I feel overwhelmed.

Take a look in my rubbish bin next to my desk and you’ll find it overflowing with cans of Diet Pepsi, Cheezies and Aero wrappers. Granted, they are the mini Halloween-sized ones, but when you’re eating 5 of them at a time, I think that excuse loses its strength.

People often comment on how they think I am brave, or strong, but the reality is – I’m a wimp.

I hide my fear in food.

I’ve been trying to get myself ‘back on track’ for months now. I was doing so well with things until around my Birthday, followed by my Mom’s, when I let myself fall off the rails.

This is the longest stretch of time in almost 2 years that I have been lost in this place where I feel out of control and at a loss to bring myself back into focus.

This has troubled me, and I’ve been embarrassed to write about it because, on paper, it would seem that my life is pretty good. I should have things together.

My husband has a solid job.

My son is in school.

We have settled-into our new living arrangement (for the most part).

I have a casual job.

I’m finally working-towards my lifelong dream of obtaining a University Degree. Not just obtaining the degree, but being a full-time university student.

This should be my time of life. I should be excelling and ‘walking on clouds’.

So, why do I feel like I’ve been dragging myself through a mud run?

Guilt plays a part in it. I feel a sense of guilt for not being at a full-time job. I feel like I’m never, fully, doing my share. I’m not the sole-caregiver of my child, I’m not busy cleaning the house/yard and taking care of my folks all day long, I’m not out at a job earning a pay cheque all day.

I’m working on something that feels selfish.

I know there are plenty of arguments as to why this is not selfish. But, I’ve never really been good at putting myself first.

I want to write. I want to be a writer.

And, as you can tell by this post, I need the help.

My thought process is all-over the place. I jump from one topic to another with very little transition. I have a lot to say, but can never seem to get it down, or out quickly or clearly enough.

I saw a piece on a news channel recently talking about the current top books, or something. I didn’t really hear what the piece was about because I saw the image on the screen, a stack of recently published books, and heard a freight train in my head as tears filled my eyes.

I wanted my name, my book, to be on that screen.

Filling up from the bottom of my toes and spilling-out the top of my head was this overwhelming desire to create something, in print, that would speak to people. Something that would be read and loved and carried all dog-eared in book-bags everywhere.

I have always written. I have over 30 notebooks and journals.

I have a lot I want to say.

I also want to feel better – physically.

So, as I sat here tonight (trying to focus on my homework), one thought just kept running-through my mind – “JUST GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO IT.”

So, here I am.

Again.

 Sit STILL…

02 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by in Seeking Life Now, Uncategorized

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One thing I don’t do very much of these days that I used to do all the time, is practicing the art of being still. Back when I was a Christian and heavily involved in church, worship and spirituality, I spent a lot of time sitting quietly. Meditating. Talking to God. Hoping he was there.

There is less of a reason to sit still these days. Or, so it seems.

It’s true that I, no longer, have this idea of a god with whom to sit and be still. I no longer need to spend time spouting off laundry lists of requests, or endless platitudes to prove how much I love him.

But, I am learning there are still plenty of reasons to sit still. To be still and know…

To be still and know…that the building across the street from our deck is gorgeous when it is bathed in the light from the setting sun.

To be still and know…that summer came after a long, difficult, winter and the trees have blossomed into gorgeous green boughs.

To be still and know…that I am ok. I have a safe place to live, I am well fed, I have a family who loves me, I have a job that pays the basic necessities of life, that my son is healthy and happy, and that I have a comfortable bed waiting for me.

Sometimes I still want to use the phrase “I am blessed”. Because I feel blessed. Not in a spiritual way, or as though these are gifts from God. But, my life is a privilege compared to what many others have to face and I don’t take that knowledge for granted.

I need to sit still and think about these things. To think about all the incredible things I have. The places I’ve been, the people I’ve known and the things I’ve done.

Sitting still and reflecting on these things puts my current circumstances into perspective. 

I have been blessed.

I am blessed.

Even if it’s just blessed by chance, or circumstances, or biology. 

I want to write more. But, it’s nearly impossible to write when I fill all of my time with sound, with screens, with social media and all the noises of the day.

I wanted to challenge myself for 6 weeks to write every day. I am learning that this will be impossible if I am constantly moving and filling my mind with stimuli. 

And so, I sit.

I forgot how beautiful this world could be.

Let’s Get Dirty

24 Sunday Apr 2016

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I love to write. But, it doesn’t always come easy. Sometimes there is a thought or idea in my head that I think will flow easily, but when I sit down to write, I soon realize that it is actually a tangled mess in my brain.

It is at these times I remind myself that I must be more disciplined with my writing. I have to carve time and be protective of it so that I have the opportunity to write a little bit, every day. This will give me the freedom to do a bit more with my writing and not get so hung-up on it.

The problem with writing a blog is that there is an expectation to sit down, write and have a finished product- just like that.

However, I want to explore my writing more than just making short editorials on life and memory. I want to work on my story writing again. It has been years, and I mean YEARS since I have taken the time to properly write a story.

In fact, the last time was probably in High School. I have been out of school since 1999. That is a long time.

I have been playing with the idea of just writing stuff, unfinished, in bits and pieces and just posting whatever it is that I have written. No matter how bad it might be.

This is my playground. This is my place just to get the writing muscles warmed up and back into some kind of shape.

I don’t need to feel like I need to be able to produce perfection from the start. I want to be able to just write, no matter what it is, and no matter how unfinished it might be, post it, be proud of it and continue to strengthen these chops.

I want to approach it like I am my health and fitness- progress is progress, no matter how little it might seem. A bunch of small changes all add-up over time. A little bit is better than none at all. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be something.

These are the kinds of mantras I tell myself about my health and I think I want to apply them to my writing as well. I’m writing, primarily, for myself. I’m writing as a release. This is the time for my brain to breathe. I have to allow it the room it needs to run around and play.

And so, I’m just going to start posting whatever it is I’ve managed to write in the times I have forced myself to set-aside and do some writing. It might be great and it might be complete rubbish. But, either way, it is my mind finding freedom, release and embracing life.

My friends have always told me that I’m a ‘windows are wide-open, curtains flapping in the breeze’ kind of a person because I’m really open with my thoughts, feelings and memories. I guess it’s just in keeping with that to allow my writing the same kind of freedom to just be what it’s going to be.

I heard a parent at a playground today tell their child to stop playing in the sand because he didn’t want him getting dirty. I thought that was one of the saddest things I’d ever heard a parent say to a child in a park and I thought ‘well, why did you bring him here, then? Isn’t having fun and getting dirty what it’s all about?’

I guess what I want to say to my mind is: Write.

Write. Write. Write. Write.

Get as dirty as you want to get. This is your playground. Go wild. Have fun. Get messy.

After all, that’s what we’re here to do.

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