Tag Archives: Emotions

The Storm

14 Friday Jun 2024

Posted by in All Posts

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes I go to sleep wondering if I will wake up the next morning and discover that it was all a bad dream.

But as the hot tears burn my cheeks and another stress migraine settles in, I know that no matter how much I try to wish it away, this is real.

I cannot comprehend why, or how, a child can hold so much pain and fear.

I try to suppress the day’s memories of being called horrible names, of being used as a human punching bag by the life I brought into this world.

I absorb his pain. I take his suffering. I can only hope that it provides him some relief. I would do anything to help ease the torment for him – even take the blows without flinching in an effort to prove to him that my love for him is unconditional; that there is absolutely nothing he could do, nothing he could be or become that would make me not love him.

As I hold him tightly, assuring him that I love him, that I’m not going anywhere, and that it doesn’t matter what he does to me, I will never give up on him, the punches become lighter, the swearing decreases, and I can feel the pain and anger being replaced by shame and sorrow.

He finally collapses in my arms, sobbing, apologizing. I can hear the agony in his voice; the fear of self, the hopelessness of feeling like you are a monster that is sick and will never get better.

I have been there.

I know what that feels like.

My heart shatters in a million pieces once again, but I have to be strong for him. He needs me.

This whole situation is so messy, so painful, and so completely undeserved.

While I may be strong for him when he is near, I crumble multiple times a day.

I fight back thoughts that maybe he is right, maybe it would be better if we didn’t exist anymore – maybe that is the only way out.

Then, through all this pain and suffering, while I am struggling just to breathe, to function – when it takes every ounce of effort to get up to face it all again and to keep getting up every time I’m knocked down – my integrity is questioned.

I have no words.

I barely have breath in me, but they manage to squeeze out plumes of vapours, forcing me to prove that I am unwell.

What they don’t understand is that I have to keep going every day; I am not free to live out my own pain because I have a child who needs me.

They do not see that every day is a struggle to live, that I have to give more than I have to get up each day.

They cannot comprehend this love, nor understand the toll it takes to lose myself every day in the hopes that we will find him; to sacrifice myself so that he might be saved.

He is my heart, and my heart is sick.

I would go to the ends of the earth to help him. I will never apologize for that.

Mourning

05 Monday Jun 2023

Posted by in All Posts

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m mourning the loss of life.

Mourning the end of my story.

Reliving the pain it brought and letting it go.

With an abuser – when he died it brought everything right back up like it had happened yesterday.

I had to go through it all again – processing every bit that had happened – while mourning the loss of life, I was now also mourning the loss of a part of my life – my story.

“River Street” – has died. I mourn for it, for the loss of a significant part of my life, while also processing all that it meant to me, good & bad.

I need to put those things in their rightful places, say my final goodbyes and move on.

Mourning.

Anger.

Angry for what he had done to me. Now he was gone and was free of it, but I still had to live with it.

“Act like” it never happened – but, it did, and it was wrong, and while you are “free” of it, I have had to suffer for years. Now you are becoming dead to me, I need you to die/to be dead to me, I am angry because you take a piece of my story with you- an ugly piece that is your fault and you should have no right to take with you and act like it’s all okay, and move on – you should suffer too.

But, you can’t now/you won’t.

That’s not fair.

Look at what you’ve done to me. How can you get away with this? This is why I resent your sick, smiling, successful faces. You make me want to puke.

But, I miss you.

I wish I still had the intimacy I had with you – the excitement – the heart racing, swooning feelings – the sense of importance – the sense of doing something, being someone, that matters – making a difference. The heat of the moment – the fire/heat of life/living.

Mourning.

Anger.

Loss.

Resentment.

Letting go.

The Best of Times/The Worst of Times

12 Wednesday Apr 2023

Posted by in All Posts

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I frequently have dreams that place me in various times and places of my “previous lives” with people I haven’t seen for years.

There was, what is now, a short period of my life that has had an enormous impact on me. By the amount of emotional and mental baggage it has left, you would think it spanned more than 15 years, when, in reality, it was around 5.

Spanning the years between (roughly) 2001-2007, I lived an incredibly exhilarating and intense life that left me feeling burnt-out, beat-down, and deflated. Though, not right away. Some of this settled-in over the years as I reflected on the life that I have lived, the experiences I had, and how horribly underprepared and unqualified I was for so many moments I found myself living.

I’m going to attempt to unravel this time of my life that has kept me tied in knots for over 15 years now.

This is me just putting it out there and starting the process for myself.

Watch this space.

An Unholy Confession

06 Sunday May 2018

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Life Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

She knelt down at the bench that was drenched with the tears and prayers of all those who had come before her. This was a seat that was not meant for resting, but for wrestling. Sinners came to this bench to confess, to plead, to repent and to rise in salvation.

The black shoes she had been wearing restricted her from attaching herself to the bench in the manner she thought necessary to get close to God, and as she twisted-around to remove them, her black uniform skirt got caught on the sleeve of her tunic, revealing more of her regulation nightshade pantyhose than modesty would approve.

She did not know that he was watching her.

He was always watching.

She went about her business, preaching and teaching the word of God, leading the people in praise and worship of the creator she loved so very much. She was just doing what she had been called to do, the best way she could.

In her twenty-one years of life she believed she had a firm grasp on the world, and was wise and mature to its ways.

When he came to her and confessed his love, she found herself spinning and dizzy, unable to find her bearings and questioning what she had believed to be the safest place.

“My wife knows about you,” he confessed. She felt sick to her stomach and wanted to turn from him and run. Unable to speak, he continued, “I’ve been talking to my therapist about you.”

Was she, honestly, hearing him correctly? It seemed as though she had been thrust into another world, like a twisted version of what one might find beyond the wardrobe.

How could she have let this happen? What had she done to lead him on?

She stared back at him, in shock and disbelief and noticed for the first time how many wrinkles his face held and the glisten of his silvery white hair.

He was in his 50’s and had kind, but lost, eyes. She had always appreciated his gentleness, but now she felt like he was a predator. He was no longer a sheep, but a wolf in sheeps clothing.

“I love you,” he made his confession plainly.

She tugged at her white blouse nervously, suddenly feeling naked and exposed. In her mind she was pleading with him to stop looking at her. She felt undressed by his stare.

“What am I going to do?” he asked.

She said nothing. Frozen to the ground, unable to move, the world rang in her ears and she remembered what it felt like to want to disappear.

She never wanted to be seen by a man again.

255.4 Sleep

22 Friday Jul 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have definitely noticed a connection between the amount of sleep I get and the level of my carb/chocolate cravings!

This week I have stayed up way too late playing Minecraft with my husband. First of all, I LOVE that game. I love that it’s something my husband and I enjoy together and I just find it totally relaxing.

BUT, I really need to set some healthy boundaries around sleep. I have been staying downstairs, playing, 2 hours longer than I would like every night. As a result, I have noticed that I even wake-up feeling super hungry, which is unusual for me as I am not, regularly, hungry until around 10am. The change of sleep pattern and loss of sleep has also found me constantly wanting all the carbs and all the chocolate that the world can offer-up.

When I was getting more regular sleep, I didn’t crave this stuff.

And it’s not just about the amount of sleep, but it is the rhythm of it as well. I have been told that it is best to always go to bed and wake-up at the same time, every day, even on weekends. But, who really wants to do that?

The weekend is for sleeping-in, right?

I am starting to want it. It seems totally counterintuitive, but I’ve been testing the theory the past few months and I can’t deny the fact that my weekend days go far better when I’ve gotten out of bed around the same time that I do Mon-Fri.

When I force myself to get up around 6am, even on Saturday and Sunday, I just generally feel better. I have more energy, I eat better, I feel better emotionally, my mental state is sharper.

So, as I am winding-down from another hectic work-week and already dreaming of digging-out the mine and cutting down some trees, I’m already trying to plan-ahead and prepare myself to enforce a healthy bedtime tonight.

I have been maintaining my weight around 255 lbs, but I really want to get over this hump and start losing again. I know it’s happening because I am on the carb-train and now that I’ve discovered where the carb train starts (with my sleep patterns), I’m hoping that making some adjustments to the sleep hygiene and being determined to maintain a regular schedule will, once again, squash the cravings and realign my energy and focus.

Just put down the pick-axe and walk away…

266.7 Gaining Control

21 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

1.7 lbs away from this month’s weight goal. Though, admittedly, the # goal is not as important to me as the emotional/mental goals I am working on. And, I’m pleased to say, that I’ve made some headway in these areas as well.

For years I have wished that I could, automatically, lose 1 lbs every time I made a good decision. Choose salad instead of french fries = 1 lbs lost instantly. Pass on the birthday cake at work = – 1lbs instantly. And so forth.

Well, I kind of feel, like I just had one of those moments. I went to a Tim Horton’s yesterday to pick-up donuts and muffins for a meeting I was attending and I ordered myself a tea and soup for lunch. I didn’t get a donut, I didn’t even get a Diet Pepsi.

Later in the day when i was at this meeting and the donuts were coming-out for folks to enjoy, I didn’t have one.

Fast forward to the evening and my husband mentions he is going to the corner store and asks if I want anything. I request some Coke Zero. But, I didn’t have it last night. He bought himself some chips and I didn’t feel jealous or reach for popcorn, toast or rice chips so that I would have a treat as well.

And, do you want to know why I didn’t have any of that stuff? Because, when I stopped and asked myself if I really wanted it, was I really hungry, did I really want pop this late in the evening? The answer was “no” every time.

I didn’t skip these things because “I’m on a diet”. I gave them a pass because I have been working on mindfulness and on separating reality from “treat mentality” and I realized in each situation that I was very content without the donut/pop/chips, etc.

There was no torture involved, no feelings of loss, no major struggle to say “no”, no feelings of ‘I really want that, but I can’t because I’m on a diet’.

Just plain, ‘ol, I don’t want it and that settles it.

I wonder if this is how people who don’t have the emotional attachments to food function on a regular day to day basis? If so, does this mean that I am making good progress in my mental/emotional goals this week, just as I am in my # goal?

I think so.

 

This is Life

07 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Life Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

*

My husband is out for the evening and, the truth is, I love these nights.

We can be somewhat codependent at times. We enjoy being around one another, feel comfortable together, and are both home-bodies, so we tend to do everything together. Neither of us go out with the girls/guys or are overly social.

Therefore, these nights when he is out and the little one is in bed are special to me. However, my geek attachment to Star Wars Battlefront threatened to completely derail the evening. And, while I played one more game than I would have liked, I did find the determination to, shut it off.

One more battle won. Take that, Darth.

But, the dark side was calling me and it was strong. I had turned-off Battlefront, but I flicked over to Netflix and found a documentary on a ballet competition to start watching. Ugh. ‘Didn’t you want to turn it off, listen to music and write?’ My conscious can be much more well-behaved than me at times.

There were several years in my life when I didn’t watch tv. And, I don’t mean that I only watched a few shows/night, or everything online/downloaded. I literally mean that I never looked at a screen of any kind.

I have been thinking about those days recently.

Every evening was like tonight. The mood was chill, my mind was free to breathe and explore itself, my stress was low and I felt truly alive. Just like I feel now.

Diana Krall is weaving her rhythms around my peppermint tea and I am doing something I love- writing.

There are many things that can get lost when you move-in with someone and even more that disappear when you have children. It can be difficult to negotiate how to provide the room everyone requires to have his/her needs met, while leaving room to grow.

For me, the matter of “space” has always been an issue in our marriage. I am an introvert. I love being alone. In fact, I need to be alone in order to really be myself, to recharge, to get in-touch with my thoughts and to regulate my stress levels.

Life is busy. It’s loud, constantly moving, satiated with entertainment and it is exhausting.

Take time to unplug. Turn-off the visual entertainment, and audible if you need to, and just let yourself be. Explore your mind and give your emotions a break from processing other people’s stories and a chance to experience your own.

This is life.

*