Category Archives: All Posts

Sarah – 1

25 Monday Apr 2016

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“Please join us for the fireworks, Sarah. It’ll be a lot of fun.” Chris was being persistent in his attempts to encourage Sarah to join a small group of friends who had been hanging at her house and decided to go to check-out the Canada Day firework display.

“Alex will be disappointed if you aren’t there. He’s really hoping you come.”

Sarah and Alex had been spending a lot of time together and had had started texting regularly. This might seem like no big deal but this was back in the day when every text message cost you and there was no such thing as unlimited. If you were texting, it meant that someone meant enough to you to pay per flirt.

But, Sarah just wasn’t feeling it. She didn’t want to be out and around a bunch of people. She liked Alex well enough, but the truth was, she was in love with someone else.

Tonight she was feeling particularly melancholy after having a great evening with Alex and their friends, because she spent the entire time wishing Ben had been there, not him.

Alex was great. He was funny, intelligent, artistic, athletic and kind. He was slight of build which was not really her taste, but had a smile that could light up an entire city. They would talk about movies and art and he would share with her his dreams about becoming a famous photographer. There was something exciting about him and she liked being around him. She wanted to have his energy and thirst for life.

Alex had taken a summer off school and biked across Canada, a thought that would keep her up at night. She wanted to have the guts to try something like that, but felt overwhelmed that she wouldn’t know where to start.

A night of fireworks could have been the perfect setting to take their relationship up a level. This is what was in Sarah’s mind as Chris continued to beg her to join them. And this is why she said no.

She was in love with Ben and didn’t want to have a romantic evening with anyone but him. Chris saw that he was fighting a losing battle and finally left her to join the crew. She clung to her tea cup and listened as the sound of the group of revelers grew further away from her.

She sat in the kitchen for, nearly fifteen more minutes, in the silence, staring at the mustard coloured wall and then towards the entrance to the kitchen, hoping that, at any moment, Ben would walk through the door.

He never did.

Let’s Get Dirty

24 Sunday Apr 2016

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I love to write. But, it doesn’t always come easy. Sometimes there is a thought or idea in my head that I think will flow easily, but when I sit down to write, I soon realize that it is actually a tangled mess in my brain.

It is at these times I remind myself that I must be more disciplined with my writing. I have to carve time and be protective of it so that I have the opportunity to write a little bit, every day. This will give me the freedom to do a bit more with my writing and not get so hung-up on it.

The problem with writing a blog is that there is an expectation to sit down, write and have a finished product- just like that.

However, I want to explore my writing more than just making short editorials on life and memory. I want to work on my story writing again. It has been years, and I mean YEARS since I have taken the time to properly write a story.

In fact, the last time was probably in High School. I have been out of school since 1999. That is a long time.

I have been playing with the idea of just writing stuff, unfinished, in bits and pieces and just posting whatever it is that I have written. No matter how bad it might be.

This is my playground. This is my place just to get the writing muscles warmed up and back into some kind of shape.

I don’t need to feel like I need to be able to produce perfection from the start. I want to be able to just write, no matter what it is, and no matter how unfinished it might be, post it, be proud of it and continue to strengthen these chops.

I want to approach it like I am my health and fitness- progress is progress, no matter how little it might seem. A bunch of small changes all add-up over time. A little bit is better than none at all. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be something.

These are the kinds of mantras I tell myself about my health and I think I want to apply them to my writing as well. I’m writing, primarily, for myself. I’m writing as a release. This is the time for my brain to breathe. I have to allow it the room it needs to run around and play.

And so, I’m just going to start posting whatever it is I’ve managed to write in the times I have forced myself to set-aside and do some writing. It might be great and it might be complete rubbish. But, either way, it is my mind finding freedom, release and embracing life.

My friends have always told me that I’m a ‘windows are wide-open, curtains flapping in the breeze’ kind of a person because I’m really open with my thoughts, feelings and memories. I guess it’s just in keeping with that to allow my writing the same kind of freedom to just be what it’s going to be.

I heard a parent at a playground today tell their child to stop playing in the sand because he didn’t want him getting dirty. I thought that was one of the saddest things I’d ever heard a parent say to a child in a park and I thought ‘well, why did you bring him here, then? Isn’t having fun and getting dirty what it’s all about?’

I guess what I want to say to my mind is: Write.

Write. Write. Write. Write.

Get as dirty as you want to get. This is your playground. Go wild. Have fun. Get messy.

After all, that’s what we’re here to do.

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266.7 Gaining Control

21 Thursday Apr 2016

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1.7 lbs away from this month’s weight goal. Though, admittedly, the # goal is not as important to me as the emotional/mental goals I am working on. And, I’m pleased to say, that I’ve made some headway in these areas as well.

For years I have wished that I could, automatically, lose 1 lbs every time I made a good decision. Choose salad instead of french fries = 1 lbs lost instantly. Pass on the birthday cake at work = – 1lbs instantly. And so forth.

Well, I kind of feel, like I just had one of those moments. I went to a Tim Horton’s yesterday to pick-up donuts and muffins for a meeting I was attending and I ordered myself a tea and soup for lunch. I didn’t get a donut, I didn’t even get a Diet Pepsi.

Later in the day when i was at this meeting and the donuts were coming-out for folks to enjoy, I didn’t have one.

Fast forward to the evening and my husband mentions he is going to the corner store and asks if I want anything. I request some Coke Zero. But, I didn’t have it last night. He bought himself some chips and I didn’t feel jealous or reach for popcorn, toast or rice chips so that I would have a treat as well.

And, do you want to know why I didn’t have any of that stuff? Because, when I stopped and asked myself if I really wanted it, was I really hungry, did I really want pop this late in the evening? The answer was “no” every time.

I didn’t skip these things because “I’m on a diet”. I gave them a pass because I have been working on mindfulness and on separating reality from “treat mentality” and I realized in each situation that I was very content without the donut/pop/chips, etc.

There was no torture involved, no feelings of loss, no major struggle to say “no”, no feelings of ‘I really want that, but I can’t because I’m on a diet’.

Just plain, ‘ol, I don’t want it and that settles it.

I wonder if this is how people who don’t have the emotional attachments to food function on a regular day to day basis? If so, does this mean that I am making good progress in my mental/emotional goals this week, just as I am in my # goal?

I think so.

 

269.7 Give me Sugar and No one gets hurt

20 Wednesday Apr 2016

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I was thinking this morning about weekends. Weekends are tough. For years I have been conditioned to think that weekends are the time to have the things I won’t “allow” myself to have during the week. Weekends are for treats and enjoyment. They always feel like the time to ‘let my hair down’ and “enjoy life”.

There exists in this a false idea that I’m not “enjoying life” the other 5 days/week.

And, as I thought about how to “fix” my weekends so that they didn’t become a huge splurge-fest, I realized that the best place to start is to address this mentality. Because, I love what I eat during the week as well.

I’m not “starving myself” during the week, or forcing myself to eat foods I don’t enjoy to lose weight. First of all, I don’t have enough discipline and secondly, I like pleasure too much. Quality of life is important to me. I don’t want to suffer endlessly just to be thin. That is no way to live life.

But, I enjoy my homemade green smoothies, my salads and veggies, my eggs and toast, and water and coffee. I’m not missing out on anything. I’m eating things I enjoy.

So, why do I still have this mentality tucked-away in the recesses of my brain that tells me that I deserve to splash-out on weekends because I’ve “done so well” or “sacrificed so much” during the week?

I guess it’s that old dieters mentality. When you’ve tried to lose weight for almost your entire life, you develop a certain way of thinking. Things become classified as “good” and “bad”, there are “diet foods” and “treats” or “reward foods”.

When foods are classified in our brains as “good” there is always a sub-heading. It actually reads like this: Good – But, really bad (as in disgusting, not enjoyable, lesser-than). And, the vice versa is also true: Bad – But, really good (as in tastes so incredible, the stuff you really would rather be eating).

These headings get cemented in our brains with memories as well. For example: At birthday parties we don’t bring-out a huge veggie or fruit platter and celebrate. We do it with cake and ice cream.

As a child, whenever I went to the Dentist or Doctor, of if I had a particularly bad, or good, day at school, I was given McDonald’s or a DQ Blizzard as a special treat.

Chips, chocolate, cookies, cakes, pop, candy…these were the things you were given on special occasions. They were given to celebrate, to console, to comfort and to reward. Using these treats as a reward trains our brains to classify them as ‘better’ and the foods ‘to be desired’ and all the regular food as ‘not as good’ or ‘less special’.

There are also chemical reactions certain foods have in our brains and the release of dopamine is comparable to that of drinking alcohol or consuming other. For a bit more information you can check out these sites:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200301/real-sugar-high

http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/your-brain-on-sugar?page=1

https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/06/17/everything-you-need-to-know-about-sugar/

But, I have found, lately, as I have been trying to be more mindful when I am eating, that these “treats” are not really as enjoyable as they promise to be. There may be a a brief dopamine hit, but it fades and I realize that the actual food is not that enjoyable any more. However, because they are so wrapped-up in memories of rewards, a history of emotions, and the happy dopamine buzz, I want to keep eating them because I know, from memory, that they brought happiness and I’m expecting them to do it again.

I treated myself to a Boston Cream donut on the weekend and, it was ok. But really, my thoughts of it were ‘meh’-I didn’t really need that. BUT, when I had a few bites of my son’s grilled chicken wrap…YUM. That was something I truly enjoyed and I had wished I had skipped the donut and treated myself to one of those instead.

I have learned a lot watching my son, actually. We never fed him sweets or offered sugar cookies, drinks, etc. to him until recently. And, we found that he doesn’t like them. I suspect that this is because he has, since he was 4 months old, enjoyed natural foods and when we offer him the confectionery it just doesn’t taste as good. I’d like to raise him without the treat mentality. I want him to continue to be overjoyed when he sees we purchased a watermelon or cantaloupe and have zero feelings when he sees a packet of brownies. But, I have to get it right in myself first.

Therefore, on top of working on mindful eating, I am also going to be working on retraining my brain. I want to break this “treat mentality” and learn to have a healthier attitude to all foods.

 

271.1 – A Weighty Issue

18 Monday Apr 2016

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Throughout my life, I have found it very frustrating and discouraging how much my weight can fluctuate. My last post saw me at 268.7 and I was feeling very positive. I had given myself a goal of reaching 265 by April 30th and when I saw that # I thought, ‘maybe I can actually reach that goal’. And then, getting on the scale this morning I think ‘there’s no way I’m reaching that goal’.

This is not a new struggle. There have been many times before when I was doing great at this ‘being healthy’ thing and would step on the scale and be up a few, and as much as 5, pounds. And, historically, I would come crashing down and I would give up. ‘If I’m going to gain weight anyway, I may as well eat whatever I like.’

This see-saw of weight and emotions is one of the reasons I have decided to post my weight. It’s important for me to see that it is not the most reliable measurement of the hard work I am putting in. It’s a number. Ultimately, we want to see it trending downwards, but I’m no longer going to allow myself to be discouraged when I step on the scale and the number is up from last time.

Posting my weight (a thought that terrified me a few months ago) has been really positive for me. I used to think that someone other than me knowing what I weighed would be the most humiliating, horrible, dreadful thing.

But, posting the # has, actually, diminished its power and its hold over me. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed like I thought I would be. In fact, I’m proud. I’m proud of myself for being honest about who I am and having the guts to tell the world. I’m also proud of how I don’t feel ashamed about it. It’s good to know that I have that much respect for myself.

I have people in my life who love me just the way I am but up until now, they didn’t know the truth. They didn’t know how fat I really am, because only I knew the “real number”. Now they do. And, guess what? Nothing has changed. They still love me just as much. And now that the ‘dirty little secret’ is out and I’m still loved and accepted and there was no cataclysmic event that followed, I realize just how meaningless the # really is.

This is who I am and, I love myself for who I am. Would I like to see changes? Yes. Does that mean I don’t like myself now? No. Would I like the # to go down and be smaller? Yes. Am I going to get hung-up on it and discouraged if it doesn’t? No.

I am loved. I love myself. I’m doing my best and I am enjoying my life.

You can’t put a weight on that.

268.7

15 Friday Apr 2016

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268.7

I climbed the CN Tower!

Ok, no I haven’t. But, I’m gonna. The Spring climb of the tower is taking place this weekend and, last week, when I first heard it was happening this weekend I thought to myself ‘I want to do that’. But, I am nowhere near in shape to just jump-in and do it this weekend.

Part of me would like to try and give myself that ultimate challenge. But, the problem is that, once you get going you have no choice but getting to the top to get yourself back down. It’s not like a run where, if you just can’t go any more you can just step off to the side, rest and then go home.

You have to get to the top.

And, because I’m, seriously, afraid I would die in the attempt, I’ve decided to train with the goal of entering next spring.

There is one in Autumn as well, but I think I want to give myself a year to really prepare.

And so, I started climbing all the flights of stairs at work 2xday. My building is only 10 stories and I felt like I was dying towards the top. So, I have a long way to go.

I’m going to do the stairs 1xmorning and 1xafternoon, increasing how many times I can go up/down as I can. I’m going to stick with going up/down once until I feel like I’m not about to die around the 7th story.

After doing the stairs yesterday, I had “Gumby” legs. I felt like one of those little toys you can get where, if you press the platform that the toy is standing on downwards, the toys legs crumble.

gumby legs

I had read that climbing stairs uses the calf muscles a lot, but I was feeling it mainly in my quads and lats…until around 2am. I went to roll over in bed and felt this horrible pain in my calves. Yup, there it is. And today, I’m feeling the burn.

I love it though. I also slept better last night than I have in weeks. I’m sure this has to do with a) better diet; b) more water and; c) those breaks of exercise during the day when I got my heart pumping.

As I was climbing the stairs yesterday I wondered if you could listen to music while doing the CN Tower climb. It might be considered hazardous. But, if I could I was trying to think about what songs would be on my playlist:

Climb Every Mountain (From Sound of Music)
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough (Marvin Gaye)
The Climb (Miley Cyrus)
Don’t Stop Me Now (Queen)
Elevation (U2)

Thankfully, I have some time to create the perfect playlist.

Why Can’t We all just Get along?

14 Thursday Apr 2016

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I don’t understand hatred. I can’t wrap my head around the things that humans do to one another.

This world really baffles me some times. I recently read a post on Facebook about someone who had been treated poorly because of the colour of their skin. In the comments below this person’s friends, rightfully, expressed outrage at what was happening to people of their colour. Then, as I continued to read the comments one person said something along the lines of ‘stupid (insert racial slur against people of a different culture), they think they can come here and take over our country’.

What?!

You’re raging about how your people are being treated in one sentence and turning around and treating people of a different ethnicity than yours with the same lack of respect.

I just don’t get it.

I’ve never understood racism or bigotry or even just plain rudeness, for that matter.

I don’t even like it when my husband is terse with telemarketers. I used to let them go through their entire spiel until I realized that doing that wasn’t the nicest thing I could do for them, because they have a certain amount of calls and a certain amount of deals they have to make to reach targets and get paid, etc. So, now I try to interrupt them early on in a polite way by saying “Not right now, thank you” or “I’m not interested, thank you”. But, I don’t feel like I can hang up until they have said “bye”. And I always say “but thank you, anyways” one more time for good measure. My husband teases me because I feel too badly to just hang up.

Recently, I heard about a teenage boy with down syndrome who always wanted to be part of the “group” of guys at school and one day he thought he had got his wish. It was a cold day in February, with the temperature well in the minus digits, when he received a text from a boy in the group saying “we’re all hanging at the mall. You should come join us. Wear shorts, it’s kinda our thing’. Meet outside the front doors.” The boy arrived, in shorts, and stood outside in the cold waiting for the group of boys. They were inside, warmly wearing pants, laughing at him and filming him standing outside in shorts, waiting for them.

I

Don’t

Get

It.

I just don’t.

My brain goes into convulsions anytime I hear things like this and almost completely shuts down because it cannot seem to process such things. I feel like it’s a bit of a problem, because I live in a state of suspended disbelief and denial all the time.

So, I try to understand it on a smaller, personal, level. I know that when I am feeling hurt, I can get mean. When I am hurt, a monster rages inside of me like you could not believe (well, my husband could, he sees this monster frequently enough). And, I could see myself doing all kinds of things that seem out of the ordinary for me because of it.

Is that what is happening here? Are people just hurt all the time and being mean because of it?

Could this be why someone, rudely, pushes you on a streetcar without so much as an “I’m sorry”? Is this why the boys in the story above thought it was funny to pick on someone, embarrass and endanger him?

Whatever the reasons, I don’t really understand it. I don’t understand gay-bashing, fat-shaming, racism, sexism, or people being mean or rude or even unhelpful.

Why don’t people want to be nicer to one another? I guess that’s what I’m saying I don’t get.

I live every day with a desire to be as nice as I can to everyone around me. And not just that. I don’t want to just be nice to those around me, I feel a deep drive to go beyond myself and help to make things a bit better or easier for people with whom I come in contact. Regardless of race, colour, sex, station in life, and so forth. I want to make the world a better place and if that means something as easy as saying “Thank you” to our streetcar driver, buying milk for someone who asks for it at Tim Horton’s or even something as simple as giving a smile to someone to acknowledge their existence, I like doing it.

I always assumed that this is the way people were. But, I’m learning otherwise.

Is it that people are not being raised to try and see things from others’ perspectives? Whenever I encounter a new person, issue, problem, etc. my initial thoughts are always ones of ‘how do I best understand this situation/person?’ and I automatically shift to ‘seeing it from that perspective’.
Maybe this is because I love complexities and have trained myself from a young age to always look at ‘the other side of the coin’ before making any snap judgements.

My Mom always used to tell us to be nice to waitresses/cashiers and anyone who was serving us in any way, because you never know what kind of day they might be having. You never know what sorrows, frustrations and pain someone is carrying around with them at any time.

And so, I assume everyone has something that is tough in their lives and I try to ensure I don’t add to that-or, if possible, maybe even bring some relief. Even if just for a moment.

Is it really that difficult?

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270.3

14 Thursday Apr 2016

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It turns-out, I’ve managed to maintain the same weight for awhile. This is a good sign. This is evidence to me that, despite recent “off the rails” moments where pizza and potato chips were flowing, my gut feeling was right-I am bingeing less. I have been more mindful while eating and this has helped me to not just eat until there is nothing left to eat. When I have had chips, pizza, etc. I have stopped myself when I started feeling full or realized that I wasn’t really enjoying it anymore.

Progress.

Now, it’s time to step it up a little bit more and take it to the next level.

And, I think, that this is all happened organically as “the next level” is exactly what I initiated this week with my experiment of flipping my day on its head and having my breakfast for dinner.

It hasn’t been a picture-perfect start. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I haven’t gone into my new eating regime and done everything perfectly. In the past I would have, and it wouldn’t have lasted long.

I haven’t been “regimented” in what I had to eat, but I have really tried to stick to the ‘spirit’ of the plan.

Yesterday, I stuck to the “plan” closer than I had all week and it meant that I finished the day well-within my caloric intake goal.

Here’s how the day went: Coffee, Water and homemade Green Smoothie for Breakfast

Salad for lunch (without protein, however, because I forgot it at home)

Lean Ham sandwich, on whole wheat, with lettuce and mustard; 1 hard boiled egg, 3 pcs of rye toast (2 w marg, 1 w p.butter), cantaloupe, tea and water for dinner.

I also did a workout last night. I was 2,000 steps off my step goal and determined to go to bed over 10, 000 steps.

Also, a few weekends ago I did a crazy amount of heavy lifting (massive couches and recliners, etc.) to the point that everything was sore and shaking. But, after the pain wore-off I had some pretty bulky muscles appearing in my arms. I have lifted weights since I was in high school, though, never seriously body-building, just free weights. And so, while working on getting steps in, I did some free weight exercises as well because I didn’t want to lose those muscles.

Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty good this morning. I feel like I am heading in the right direction and the little progress that I have made so far is building a super strong foundation for me to continue to make the necessary changes that will go the distance.

It’s all about the journey.

Money! Money! Money!

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

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Money! Money! Money!

I’m 35 and I don’t own a house, a car, or anything of real monetary value. We don’t live extravagant lifestyles- we very rarely go out, we order in a few times a month, we aren’t regular drinkers (and by that, I mean that I have, maybe, 4 mojitos/year and my husband probably averages 1 beer/month), we don’t smoke or partake in any other kind of drug/narcotic, we don’t buy fashion/designer anything, we don’t purchase games, music, or pay for new tech equipment regularly, we buy the cheapest groceries and sale items habitually.

And yet, we live pay cheque to pay cheque and have a significant amount of debt that we are, basically, maintaining (as in, we’re not increasing or decreasing it).

Yes, we have a child and yes, we pay for day care. We have already acknowledged that when he is in school we will have a little bit more breathing room financially.

But, we see other people with children who can afford: car, vacation, expensive clothing, expensive tech gadgets, expensive groceries, home repairs, household purchases (like furniture, appliances), go on regular dates and other kinds of weekends/trips/excursions.

When I hear people who party, go on trips every weekend, don’t have any children and make more money than I do complain about ‘not having money’ it just drives me bonkers. We are hard-working, simple-living, just trying to make ends meet, people. And we struggle every single day.

Does it sound like I’m whining?

Maybe I am, a little bit.

But, I know that, at the end of the day, we are responsible for where we are financially. It’s not anybody’s fault but our own that we: are in low paying jobs, have a child in day care (though, this was still more financially sound than me staying home with him), chose to move from NZ to Canada and the list goes on of personal choices that have landed us in this position.

We dug this hole ourselves. Well, for the most part. There are, obviously, circumstances out of everyone’s control that pop-up in life and require $$ that we would have chosen to use differently.

There is that old saying “money can’t buy happiness” on which I’ve always gone back and forth. There are times I agree with it and other times when I disagree.

I don’t have money. Am I happy? Generally speaking, I think I am for the most part.

However, would I be happier if I didn’t have to live by such a strict budget, If we had less financial burden, more disposable income, the ability to go on regular vacations and buy a $60 household item without a month of debating whether we REALLY need it, or not, only to inevitably decide we can continue to make due without it because, although it would be great and make our lives so much more enjoyable, it’s not an absolute necessity?

Ugh, yeah, I think so.

Doesn’t that kind of mean that money can and does buy happiness?

But, then I flip the coin and I wonder if we, as humans, always want more no matter how much we already have.

If we were out of debt, had a car, could afford a vacation every year, and could buy $60 items without having a mild panic attack, would we just continue to want more to make us happy? Yes, we have this, but now I want…a house, a new sofa set, a new tv…

Maybe the quote should actually say: “money can’t buy ultimate happiness” or “money can’t buy nirvana”. Because, no matter how much money you have, there will always be unhappiness and there will always be other things you want, want to do, etc. There will always be more. We will always be striving to some extent.

If I were more mathematically, scientifically, minded, I would love to be the person who creates a method for measuring happiness. And pain, actually (but that’s a different topic for another blog).

If I were to get $10,000 (for example) I could be completely debt-free. That would bring me to a 4.8 on the ‘money bought happiness’ scale. If I made an extra $2/hr, it bumps me to a 5.1 on the ‘money bought happiness’ scale and so forth. If I had a monthly disposable income of $2000 or more, I would be at a 5.4 on the scale.

And, I’d have a Noble Prize or something and be super happy.

But, alas, I am not that intelligent, nor do I have the energy to invest in such research. I barely even had the focus to write the paragraph above with horribly (not) thought through numbers in it.

But, thankfully, there are people who have the intelligence, energy and resources to put into these kinds of questions and here are a few interesting articles about it:

http://time.com/money/2802147/does-money-buy-happiness/

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-money-buy-happiness/

http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2013/05/10/money-does-buy-happiness-says-new-study/#73fa309b40b5

272.3

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

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Well, I checked the weight today and was under what I thought I might be. However, it is still a gain. Sigh.

I’m not surprised and I’m definitely not feeling frustrated by it. You can’t be surprised you have gained weight when you have recently consumed pizza, chinese takeout, kfc, chocolate, chips and copious amounts of toast.

However, as I’ve stated before, in all of this I still don’t feel like I binge as badly as I used to. When I binge, I am actually consuming less and I’m off the rails for a shorter period of time. Progress.

I’m all about small victories. I am working really hard to develop a mindset and healthy lifestyle that is long-lasting, not a ‘flash in the pan’. I have to “reset” my mind, emotions, actions, approaches and lifestyle. These are not things that happen over night. I am working on changing a relationship I’ve been in my entire life. This has been an extremely unhealthy relationship that often mimics Stockholm Syndrome

Feelings of love towards my captor.

This is why I like my current idea of ‘freeing’ myself from allowing food to rule, by taking away all the questions, variables, doubts, feelings, etc. and just saying “this is what I’m eating at this time, every day”.

And, on that note, a follow-up from my first attempt to do that yesterday:

I found that, around 2pm I was really looking forward to the treat of going home and having my hard boiled eggs, toast and tea. It was great to have a “treat” in mind for the end of the day that wasn’t a guilty pleasure, but something that I had built-into a healthy menu plan of sorts.

I didn’t, however, end-up having that.

I had bought some wholegrain texas toast on the weekend with the thoughts of making french toast with it. So, that’s what I did last night. We had french toast. I did have eggs and bread for dinner, but in a different format. Not as healthy, but I was ok with that.

HOWEVER…

I was freezing cold last night and just couldn’t warm up no matter what. My nose felt like an ice block. When I’m cold I want warm, comforting, foods. So, I ate a bag of hot, steamy, popcorn. And had a few chocolate easter eggs.

I’m still calling yesterday a success. It was a good start to the experiment. Usually, if I do things perfectly out of the gate I find that I fizzle-out pretty quickly. I’m thinking that this slow, ramp-up, might actually be the best way to get into it.

We’ll see how it goes. I forgot to put my smoothie in the fridge last night, so I have a frozen chunk of spinach/vanilla greek yogurt/strawberries/bananas/ground chia/ground flax and water sitting beside me in hopes it thaws soon enough to actually have some of it for breakfast.

And, I forgot to bring some protein to add to my salad. AND, I have the dentist after work, so won’t be home and eating my eggs and toast until much later.

But, I’m still feeling positive and hopeful about it all.

So, here we go—Tuesday.