Tag Archives: Diet

262 You’re Never Fully Dressed…

18 Wednesday May 2016

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I thought losing weight was supposed to make life easier. I’ve lost 13 lbs since I started this blog post and I am feeling great.  But, I’m finding it even more difficult to get dressed in the morning. Nothing seems to fit right, feel good or look great anymore.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look a lot worse than I did before. I have had to actively engage my mind in these moments to stop body-shaming itself and be reminded that, even though I may not feel it at the moment, I am thinner than I was a few months ago.

Back in 2008-09 I lost a bunch of weight. But, I didn’t really realize how well I had done and how fit/healthy I was. No one really acknowledged it. People were telling my husband all the time how much weight he had lost and how good he was looking. But, no one really said anything to me. And so, the reality of what I had accomplished never really set-in.

Fast-forward 5 years and I am looking at pictures of that time and find myself saying: “Holy crap! I looked amazing back then. Look how thin I was!”

But, I never really realized it at the time. In my mind I was still a huge, fat, frumpy, monster. I would be embarrassed when I saw pictures of myself BACK THEN because I thought I looked disgusting. 50 lbs heavier and I am extremely camera-shy. I reserve the right to “approve” all photos of me before my husband dare post them on Facebook. Yet, when I was 50 lbs lighter I still felt this way about myself. Something was definitely wrong with my thinking. This was a huge revelation to me. I didn’t realize how great I looked. Despite all the work I had put in and the obvious results, I didn’t see it.

Years later, as I looked at those pictures, getting slightly angry at myself for how hard I was on myself back then, I was determined to never let that happen again and I made 2 promises to myself:

  • I would get back to that weight.
  • I would make sure I realized it.

Perhaps that’s part of why I write this blog. I refuse to allow myself to do the hard work and not give myself due credit. I do not want to lose 5, 10, 20, 30, etc. lbs and yet still feel like crap because I haven’t realized how much I have accomplished and the fact that I do look better.

So, when I have weeks like I’ve been having when I try on different shirts, pants, skirts, fail to find anything that looks good and feels comfortable, and my mind automatically goes to that negative place of: ‘oh, your so fat. Look at that- it’s disgusting…’ and all the rest of the negativity and personal body-shaming that has existed in my head for most of my life, I have to stop myself.

Stop.

You are doing great.

You have made huge lifestyle changes.

You are beautiful.

You are losing weight and feeling great.

You are making a difference.

Despite how it looks and feels at the moment, it is better than it was.

You will make and have already made great progress.

Keep it up.

So, despite the fact that my pants and underwear fall down making me uncomfortable and I have lost weight in one area which seems to have just made it pop-out in another area, I remind myself that I am heading in the right direction.

My body is going to look and feel differently throughout this process.

The most important thing is to love it where it is, encourage myself that we are on the right track, understand that there will be adjustments, remind myself of my progress, keep my chin up and try to approach things with grace and patience.

 

264.4 Victories in the Mind

09 Monday May 2016

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Well, I’ve managed to weigh-in under my April goal weight. I’ve only done this once, however, as when I weighed myself this morning, I was 266.6. I’m pretty sure it will go down again and I am setting my sites on 260.

I know that I am continuously building muscle through my workouts and that will affect the #’s. What I know for sure is that I am feeling great, my clothes are getting looser and I can see the difference already when I look in the mirror.

I’m feeling really positive about it all.

I constantly find that my mindset around food as a comfort or reward is shifting.

I had some serious victories over my mindset on Sunday. We had traveled a fair distance to see my husband play flugelhorn in his concert band, but my son started to fall asleep just as we arrived, so I wandered around a mall for 45 minutes pushing his stroller. I passed a lot of ice cream shops, McD’s, New York Fries, A&W and, despite the fact it was 2:30pm and I still hadn’t eaten lunch, I didn’t give-in to any of these places.

More importantly, I didn’t actually find myself craving them at all.

I went to a shop and contemplated buying a bag of popcorn and maybe a chocolate bar as a treat, but didn’t really want them either, so left with only a diet Dr Pepper (which I had later that night and then finished this morning) and a drink to bring to my husband for his intermission.

When it came time to leave, a couple of hours later, I grabbed a grilled chicken sub (packed with veggies), mustard and on whole grain from subway. I did splurge on a toasted coconut donut from Tim Horton’s…it was Mother’s Day after all. And enjoyed those with a steeped tea and a diet soda.

Last year, I would have been enjoying a chubby chicken sandwich and fries from A&W, or a Quarter LBS combo from McD’s and ice cream, and probably even a chocolate bar and chips while watching my husband’s concert band play.

But, I just didn’t want any of it. What I did have was an “I deserve to eat something truly good and enjoyable”.

And, although I enjoyed the donut, I still found that I, actually, enjoy eating an apple or some carrot sticks even more. I love the crunch and the juiciness of these more than what the donut offered. So, maybe, the next time I consider getting a donut I’ll remind myself how it wasn’t, really, that enjoyable and I’ll opt-out.

My weekend included a lot of walking, fun playing soccer with the boys, a lot of belly laughter (it is a great ab workout, by the way) and some good rest.

I’m hoping to be around 263 by the end of this week, but as the monster inside is due to appear and the hormones will be raging, so the weight and water retention will fluctuate quite a bit. But, when I come-through the other side of the upcoming storm, that’s the number I’m hoping to see.

268: Falling Down and Getting Right Back Up Again

02 Monday May 2016

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When you are trying to lose weight and/or change your lifestyle in some way to be healthier, you will make a lot of mistakes. You will have bad hours/days/weeks or even months.

These can, often, completely derail a person.

I’ve had a fairly rough 7 days in the health department. I haven’t been feeling great and it has slowly been eating-away at my energy and focus.

The reality is probably not as horrible as I think it is in my head, but still, it can be really demotivating.

I didn’t hit the 265 goal. But, since I’ve been lingering around the #, I’m not going to go all negative about it. I just want to keep on keeping on.

But, I woke-up with a migraine today and that really sucks. It means that I have very little focus or motivation for trying to be healthy today. Perhaps that explains why I had 5 homemade peanut butter chocolate chip walnut pecan cookies for breakfast. Sigh.

Today I am feeling more like giving up than I have in quite a while. I had been doing great, but I knew this day would come. I wrote about these “slumps” and while I was on a high I had been working on preparing myself for this inevitable moment. But, I didn’t count on having one of these moments and a migraine at the same time.

I’ve had one bad meal that’s rolled into 1 and a snack, that’s rolled into 2 bad meals, that’s rolled into a few days…

I haven’t been logging food or eating veggies/fruit/protein or drinking water. I am tempted to beat myself up, feel really horrible for this and give it all up. HOWEVER, sitting back and getting some perspective I see that I haven’t gone completely off the rails and I am very proud to say that I have continued with my stair climbing at work (except for today when I just couldn’t bear with the idea of trying to do it with my head already feeling like it might explode).

I go through slumps regularly (I’m trying to track to see if they are related to my cycle) where my emotions and energy are low and everything feels more negative. Perhaps this has to do with my hypothyroidism or fibromyalgia. My Dr. and I are still trying to sort-out the Levothyroxin dosage. She had put me on the 88’s, but suffered depression as a side effect. So, she put me on the 75’s from Mon-Fri and the 88’s Sat-Sun. I have no idea if those 2 days on the 88’s are enough to effect my mood/emotions, etc. But, I’m definitely watching this carefully.

At any rate, I don’t, yet, know why this happens but, having been tracking it for a bit of time now, and I am aware enough to realize that things aren’t as bleak as they may feel. Even my health and nutrition. I have been doing a great job, despite some recent poor choices (ie. 5 cookies for breakfast). I also know that the sooner I up my water/fruit/veg/protein intake, the sooner I will start feeling better.

I just have to get over this migraine. The nausea that accompanies it makes the thought of having my lunch smoothie almost intolerable. But, I’ll get hungry enough to consume it eventually (despite the nausea).

We all fall down – the important thing, like I say to my 2 year old, is to get yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going.

266.7 Gaining Control

21 Thursday Apr 2016

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1.7 lbs away from this month’s weight goal. Though, admittedly, the # goal is not as important to me as the emotional/mental goals I am working on. And, I’m pleased to say, that I’ve made some headway in these areas as well.

For years I have wished that I could, automatically, lose 1 lbs every time I made a good decision. Choose salad instead of french fries = 1 lbs lost instantly. Pass on the birthday cake at work = – 1lbs instantly. And so forth.

Well, I kind of feel, like I just had one of those moments. I went to a Tim Horton’s yesterday to pick-up donuts and muffins for a meeting I was attending and I ordered myself a tea and soup for lunch. I didn’t get a donut, I didn’t even get a Diet Pepsi.

Later in the day when i was at this meeting and the donuts were coming-out for folks to enjoy, I didn’t have one.

Fast forward to the evening and my husband mentions he is going to the corner store and asks if I want anything. I request some Coke Zero. But, I didn’t have it last night. He bought himself some chips and I didn’t feel jealous or reach for popcorn, toast or rice chips so that I would have a treat as well.

And, do you want to know why I didn’t have any of that stuff? Because, when I stopped and asked myself if I really wanted it, was I really hungry, did I really want pop this late in the evening? The answer was “no” every time.

I didn’t skip these things because “I’m on a diet”. I gave them a pass because I have been working on mindfulness and on separating reality from “treat mentality” and I realized in each situation that I was very content without the donut/pop/chips, etc.

There was no torture involved, no feelings of loss, no major struggle to say “no”, no feelings of ‘I really want that, but I can’t because I’m on a diet’.

Just plain, ‘ol, I don’t want it and that settles it.

I wonder if this is how people who don’t have the emotional attachments to food function on a regular day to day basis? If so, does this mean that I am making good progress in my mental/emotional goals this week, just as I am in my # goal?

I think so.

 

269.7 Give me Sugar and No one gets hurt

20 Wednesday Apr 2016

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I was thinking this morning about weekends. Weekends are tough. For years I have been conditioned to think that weekends are the time to have the things I won’t “allow” myself to have during the week. Weekends are for treats and enjoyment. They always feel like the time to ‘let my hair down’ and “enjoy life”.

There exists in this a false idea that I’m not “enjoying life” the other 5 days/week.

And, as I thought about how to “fix” my weekends so that they didn’t become a huge splurge-fest, I realized that the best place to start is to address this mentality. Because, I love what I eat during the week as well.

I’m not “starving myself” during the week, or forcing myself to eat foods I don’t enjoy to lose weight. First of all, I don’t have enough discipline and secondly, I like pleasure too much. Quality of life is important to me. I don’t want to suffer endlessly just to be thin. That is no way to live life.

But, I enjoy my homemade green smoothies, my salads and veggies, my eggs and toast, and water and coffee. I’m not missing out on anything. I’m eating things I enjoy.

So, why do I still have this mentality tucked-away in the recesses of my brain that tells me that I deserve to splash-out on weekends because I’ve “done so well” or “sacrificed so much” during the week?

I guess it’s that old dieters mentality. When you’ve tried to lose weight for almost your entire life, you develop a certain way of thinking. Things become classified as “good” and “bad”, there are “diet foods” and “treats” or “reward foods”.

When foods are classified in our brains as “good” there is always a sub-heading. It actually reads like this: Good – But, really bad (as in disgusting, not enjoyable, lesser-than). And, the vice versa is also true: Bad – But, really good (as in tastes so incredible, the stuff you really would rather be eating).

These headings get cemented in our brains with memories as well. For example: At birthday parties we don’t bring-out a huge veggie or fruit platter and celebrate. We do it with cake and ice cream.

As a child, whenever I went to the Dentist or Doctor, of if I had a particularly bad, or good, day at school, I was given McDonald’s or a DQ Blizzard as a special treat.

Chips, chocolate, cookies, cakes, pop, candy…these were the things you were given on special occasions. They were given to celebrate, to console, to comfort and to reward. Using these treats as a reward trains our brains to classify them as ‘better’ and the foods ‘to be desired’ and all the regular food as ‘not as good’ or ‘less special’.

There are also chemical reactions certain foods have in our brains and the release of dopamine is comparable to that of drinking alcohol or consuming other. For a bit more information you can check out these sites:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200301/real-sugar-high

http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/your-brain-on-sugar?page=1

https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/06/17/everything-you-need-to-know-about-sugar/

But, I have found, lately, as I have been trying to be more mindful when I am eating, that these “treats” are not really as enjoyable as they promise to be. There may be a a brief dopamine hit, but it fades and I realize that the actual food is not that enjoyable any more. However, because they are so wrapped-up in memories of rewards, a history of emotions, and the happy dopamine buzz, I want to keep eating them because I know, from memory, that they brought happiness and I’m expecting them to do it again.

I treated myself to a Boston Cream donut on the weekend and, it was ok. But really, my thoughts of it were ‘meh’-I didn’t really need that. BUT, when I had a few bites of my son’s grilled chicken wrap…YUM. That was something I truly enjoyed and I had wished I had skipped the donut and treated myself to one of those instead.

I have learned a lot watching my son, actually. We never fed him sweets or offered sugar cookies, drinks, etc. to him until recently. And, we found that he doesn’t like them. I suspect that this is because he has, since he was 4 months old, enjoyed natural foods and when we offer him the confectionery it just doesn’t taste as good. I’d like to raise him without the treat mentality. I want him to continue to be overjoyed when he sees we purchased a watermelon or cantaloupe and have zero feelings when he sees a packet of brownies. But, I have to get it right in myself first.

Therefore, on top of working on mindful eating, I am also going to be working on retraining my brain. I want to break this “treat mentality” and learn to have a healthier attitude to all foods.

 

Groceries-Meal Planning

06 Wednesday Apr 2016

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We haven’t done a grocery shop in over a week. This means that things are running low. We’ve stopped at the corner store for milk, eggs and bread so I’ve been able to make hard boiled eggs for the week. And, I had some iceberg lettuce from our last shop, but that’s it.

When the fridge gets low on my “regular” meal/food items, disaster ensues.

This is when I start going to Tim Horton’s for breakfast sandwiches, a meal combo (of course) and since I hate the hashbrowns there it also means a donut. I could get the sandwich and the drink separately, but I’m always plagued with the idea that I’m wasting money that way. However, I think I’m going to do it the next time I cave and go to Tim Horton’s for breakfast. It may not be as economically savvy, but I don’t often even want the donut, I just get it because that’s what you do.

Other things that happen with the fridge is lacking my regular bounty of fruit, veg, smoothies and protein: we order dinner in (pizza, chicken, thai, indian), eat lunch out (Subway), eat more toast, more cereal, more chocolate, more snacks.

I’ve been realizing, lately, that I really enjoy having, basically, the same thing every morning. I’m happy with 1-2 pieces of toast, 1-2 hard-boiled eggs, water and a mocha. Ideally, I would have a diet soda as well, but I still would like to, one day, kick that habit.

This got me thinking about whether, or not, I’d be able to have set breakfast and lunch 7 days/week.

For lunch I have been enjoying salad with chicken or turkey and creamy poppyseed dressing.

I’d like to have 1 green smoothie/day as well, but fitting it into my day is a bit more tricky.

So, I’ve been contemplating trying water/coffee/green smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch and eggs and toast for dinner (I always crave toast the most at the end of the day).

But, groceries are important or else, none of this is possible.

I’m going to aim to get groceries tonight after work and then I might do a trial run for the rest of the week of following this meal plan. If I had that set and then worked-out a few snacks around the edges, this could work for me.

But, first of all, groceries.

I must get groceries.

Seeking Health-Introduction

07 Monday Mar 2016

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I have been trying to lose weight since I was 9 years old.

I wasn’t an obese child, but I wasn’t as thin as some of the other girls around me and so, whenever anyone wanted to be mean to me, my weight became the weapon of choice.

My sensitivity for my size didn’t come from my personal opinion about myself, but from the opinion and influence of external factors.

As many girls did, I grew up with a Mom who dieted and tried fad-diets in ongoing attempts to lose weight. Therefore, I became aware of the desire to be thinner at a very young age.

I think I did my first Slim-Fast diet when I was 12 years old which was the same time I joined an organization called “TOPS” (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) with my Mom.

I am not one of these people who has tried every fad diet and done crazy things in an attempt to lose weight. I know what’s good and what’s not. It’s not rocket science. Fruits, Veggies, whole grains, low fat meat, water, healthy fats=good.
Pop, sugar, chocolate, white bread, pizza, chips, cookies, etc=bad.

I did Atkins for almost a year once. I know, a diet shrouded in controversy, which I will address at some point. But, other than that, my battle has always been about just trying to find balance in eating healthy and exercising.

I’ve always been fairly active which is probably why my blood sugar, cholesterol, etc. have remained in healthy zones.

But, my weight has not.

When I was pregnant my weight sky-rocketed to 315 lbs. I couldn’t believe I had crossed over to the 300’s. I hated pregnancy. It was a miserable time for me. I was nauseated the entire 9 months and suffered atrocious pelvic girdle pain which basically felt like someone was slowly prying my pelvis apart. I honestly felt like every bone in my body was breaking. And so, despite on and off attempts to eat healthy, I basically ate what I felt I needed to eat to stay sane and survive. I was going through hell. I damn well was going to, at the very least, enjoy what I ate.

I was 295 lbs post-pregnancy. (This is after the pregnancy weight was lost—about 4 weeks after he was born). The first 4 months of his life were a nightmare . I was suffering from birth trauma as a result of an extreme emergency c-section, was alone with a newborn most of the time (we didn’t have family or friends around to support us), and it would turn-out I was also suffering from Hypothyroidism and Anemia. And so, I ate what I needed to eat to keep myself happy.

Aha. There it is.

I ate what I needed to eat to keep myself happy.

I am an emotional eater. Last night I downed an entire bag of BBQ Rice Crisps while my husband was playing Star Wars Battlefront. I laughed and said “I always stress- eat when you play.”

Recently when I wrote a post about discipline I had an idea to expand my blog and add a “Seeking Health” section where I could write candidly about my journey and struggles. I have a few friends who have been bravely posting on social media about their attempts to lose weight, etc. and I’ve always felt too embarrassed and too ashamed to be that honest about myself.

However, it’s been proven that sharing the information with people helps you gain success, so here it goes:

Current weight: 275 lbs
Height: 5”3 (I don’t expect this will change too much)
Goal Weight: 185 lbs
LBS to Lose: 90 lbs
Exercise Goal: 3x/week (for now)

Nutritional Goals (These will change depending on my progress, etc.):
1800 Calories/Day
1 Serving Vegetables 1xDay
1 Serving Fruit 1xDay
1 Serving Protein 1xDay
72 ounces Water/Daily
No Pop
1 Serving Chocolate/Day (at the most)

How I’m doing so far today:

1 Serving Vegetables 1xDay – YES (2-3, actually)
1 Serving Fruit 1xDay – YES
1 Serving Protein 1xDay –YES (2)
72 ounces Water/Daily – 48 so far
No Pop – NO
1 Serving Chocolate/Day (at the most) – So far, no chocolate J

Phew…it’s out there now.

Time to take a deep breath and get ‘er done.

*In the future, my health-related posts will be kept in the “Seeking Health” section of my blog that can be found under the “Seeking Life Now” title at the top of the page.