Tag Archives: Stress

The Storm

14 Friday Jun 2024

Posted by in All Posts

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes I go to sleep wondering if I will wake up the next morning and discover that it was all a bad dream.

But as the hot tears burn my cheeks and another stress migraine settles in, I know that no matter how much I try to wish it away, this is real.

I cannot comprehend why, or how, a child can hold so much pain and fear.

I try to suppress the day’s memories of being called horrible names, of being used as a human punching bag by the life I brought into this world.

I absorb his pain. I take his suffering. I can only hope that it provides him some relief. I would do anything to help ease the torment for him – even take the blows without flinching in an effort to prove to him that my love for him is unconditional; that there is absolutely nothing he could do, nothing he could be or become that would make me not love him.

As I hold him tightly, assuring him that I love him, that I’m not going anywhere, and that it doesn’t matter what he does to me, I will never give up on him, the punches become lighter, the swearing decreases, and I can feel the pain and anger being replaced by shame and sorrow.

He finally collapses in my arms, sobbing, apologizing. I can hear the agony in his voice; the fear of self, the hopelessness of feeling like you are a monster that is sick and will never get better.

I have been there.

I know what that feels like.

My heart shatters in a million pieces once again, but I have to be strong for him. He needs me.

This whole situation is so messy, so painful, and so completely undeserved.

While I may be strong for him when he is near, I crumble multiple times a day.

I fight back thoughts that maybe he is right, maybe it would be better if we didn’t exist anymore – maybe that is the only way out.

Then, through all this pain and suffering, while I am struggling just to breathe, to function – when it takes every ounce of effort to get up to face it all again and to keep getting up every time I’m knocked down – my integrity is questioned.

I have no words.

I barely have breath in me, but they manage to squeeze out plumes of vapours, forcing me to prove that I am unwell.

What they don’t understand is that I have to keep going every day; I am not free to live out my own pain because I have a child who needs me.

They do not see that every day is a struggle to live, that I have to give more than I have to get up each day.

They cannot comprehend this love, nor understand the toll it takes to lose myself every day in the hopes that we will find him; to sacrifice myself so that he might be saved.

He is my heart, and my heart is sick.

I would go to the ends of the earth to help him. I will never apologize for that.

Just Get Off Your Ass and Do It

06 Friday Oct 2017

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now, Seeking Life Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been in a rut. Life has changed time and again over the past 5 months and I think I am just starting to feel the effects of it now.

As of April: I left my job of almost 7 years, we packed-up our house and moved from the city to the country (moving-in with my parents), I stayed home and took care of my son for 4 months, my husband got a job with hours that have drastically altered our family dynamic, my son started school, I can’t get a Doctor (despite calling the clinic almost every week to see if anyone is taking new patients), I got a casual job at the local school board and I have also started school as a full-time University Student (working on my BA in English through Queens Distance).

I tend to be the type of person who just ‘puts my nose to the ground’ and gets-on with things, without dwelling much on the enormity of things, because I fear that if I let myself think about it, I will drown.

The problem?

I take it out on my health. Instead of allowing myself to think about it, feel the emotions and work-through it all, I eat. I eat them away.

The truth is, I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted and tired and I feel overwhelmed.

Take a look in my rubbish bin next to my desk and you’ll find it overflowing with cans of Diet Pepsi, Cheezies and Aero wrappers. Granted, they are the mini Halloween-sized ones, but when you’re eating 5 of them at a time, I think that excuse loses its strength.

People often comment on how they think I am brave, or strong, but the reality is – I’m a wimp.

I hide my fear in food.

I’ve been trying to get myself ‘back on track’ for months now. I was doing so well with things until around my Birthday, followed by my Mom’s, when I let myself fall off the rails.

This is the longest stretch of time in almost 2 years that I have been lost in this place where I feel out of control and at a loss to bring myself back into focus.

This has troubled me, and I’ve been embarrassed to write about it because, on paper, it would seem that my life is pretty good. I should have things together.

My husband has a solid job.

My son is in school.

We have settled-into our new living arrangement (for the most part).

I have a casual job.

I’m finally working-towards my lifelong dream of obtaining a University Degree. Not just obtaining the degree, but being a full-time university student.

This should be my time of life. I should be excelling and ‘walking on clouds’.

So, why do I feel like I’ve been dragging myself through a mud run?

Guilt plays a part in it. I feel a sense of guilt for not being at a full-time job. I feel like I’m never, fully, doing my share. I’m not the sole-caregiver of my child, I’m not busy cleaning the house/yard and taking care of my folks all day long, I’m not out at a job earning a pay cheque all day.

I’m working on something that feels selfish.

I know there are plenty of arguments as to why this is not selfish. But, I’ve never really been good at putting myself first.

I want to write. I want to be a writer.

And, as you can tell by this post, I need the help.

My thought process is all-over the place. I jump from one topic to another with very little transition. I have a lot to say, but can never seem to get it down, or out quickly or clearly enough.

I saw a piece on a news channel recently talking about the current top books, or something. I didn’t really hear what the piece was about because I saw the image on the screen, a stack of recently published books, and heard a freight train in my head as tears filled my eyes.

I wanted my name, my book, to be on that screen.

Filling up from the bottom of my toes and spilling-out the top of my head was this overwhelming desire to create something, in print, that would speak to people. Something that would be read and loved and carried all dog-eared in book-bags everywhere.

I have always written. I have over 30 notebooks and journals.

I have a lot I want to say.

I also want to feel better – physically.

So, as I sat here tonight (trying to focus on my homework), one thought just kept running-through my mind – “JUST GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO IT.”

So, here I am.

Again.

Overdoing it

04 Monday Jul 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have this horrible tendency of jumping into things head first. Years ago I decided I would start running. I woke-up one day, headed outdoors and proceeded to run 5k without warming up, stretching, cooling down, etc. and I did this for several months.

My hips and knee are still paying the price for this horrible attempt at becoming healthy.

I still haven’t learned my lesson.

I get too extreme, too quickly and then I crash. My calorie intake was way too low and I had increased my physical activity by too much in a very short period of time. On top of this, it’s been an exceptionally stressful few months.

And, for the past five, or so, days, I have found myself going into that ultimate “survivor” mentality that has me reaching for all things CARB and SUGAR.

I think I’ve touched on this before, but this is a built-in “fight or flight” response in human nature.

See this article for further info on this: http://paleoleap.com/sugar-stress-brain/

I am, desperately, trying to bring my body and mind back on track today. I realize that the “feel good” effects are short-term and that, with every bite of chocolate I take, I’m making it harder for myself to stop and get back to feeling better again.

So far, I’ve failed quite a bit, but have made some good choices and am starting to feel my focus returning, the desire to reach for the chocolate diminishing, and a more level-headed approach to what I’m putting in my mouth.

True, I did have a Mars bar and a mocha for breakfast…and 6 pieces of Cadbury milk chocolate followed by 6 pieces of Cadbury fruit and nut bar for a snack…BUT, I’ve also chosen a banana once (over more chocolate) and now some lettuce, carrots, grapes and a turkey bite over chips, pop and MORE chocolate.

PLUS, my water intake is already triple what it has been the past 2 days. So, it’s not all bad.

I have noticed that, with the deterioration in eating habits, there has been an obvious increase in body pain. So, if I ever question whether, or not, eating healthy makes my fibromyalgia, arthritis and hypothyroid pains decrease, please give my head a shake. It, very clearly, makes a difference.

For the past 2 days I have hurt EVERYWHERE. I even have pain behind my knees. If you were to draw a map of pain on my body right now, the only place that would not be marked would be my nose…and even it has been running more than it should.

Also, part of my stress-lifestyle is that the things that I love, the healthy things that allow my mind to have a bit of a break and decompress, are the first to go (like writing).

That is why part of my 30 day challenge was to write every day. Now, I have been writing (most days) in a journal. But, it’s always been an end of the day, head about to hit the pillow when I spot my journal out of the corner of my eye, quick blurb (about how exhausted and stressed I am).

I need to be more protective of me. I need to be selfish enough to take my time. Whenever I can.

And so, once again, I’m here. Writing. Taking some me time and assessing my journey.

I’ve just been through, yet another, rough patch. But, I’m determined to learn from it, apply some new tools and techniques and be strengthened as I continue on this journey to live the best me that I can.

 

 

Day? i’v e stopped keeping track

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

So, I’m nowhere near organized enough to do what I had originally planned and touch-base every day with my stats.

So, you’re going to get what you get for now.

I weighed in this morning at 269lbs. So, 1 lbs down from my previous check-in. I think this was, mostly, due to a decrease in appetite yesterday.

Today I have eaten to make up for it, so bye-bye 1 lbs lost.

I hate daylight savings. I was doing great and my energy was up and then BAM! It’s like someone pulled the carpet out from under me.

Suddenly, I’m thrust back into darkness in the mornings and my energy drops through the floor.

I haven’t been logging my food, either.

But, I can tell you that I had a chocolate glazed donut, 5 mini hershey squares and 4 blueberry waffles today. That’s not all I ate, of course, but that’s the unhealthy stuff.

I also had, about, 6 servings of vegetables. They were on 2 six inch subs from Subway and in our chicken fajitas tonight….so, I’m guessing my calorie intake is, probably, about 700 over my goal.

I have done a bit of exercise in the past couple of days, but really nothing major. I’m talking a few push-ups here, a 16 second plank there, 12 squats…

My work has been extremely stressful for me for several months and this week has, truly, had me run off my feet. The fact that I spend my day in a “spin” is part of why I’m struggling. Having to log food just feels like even more responsibility and work that I have to try and fit in, despite the fact that I’m not keeping-up with my job.

However, I know that I have to put some healthy boundaries in place and take care of myself. If I can’t make 30 minutes for myself every day, there is something seriously wrong.

So, despite the fact that I just made 4 blueberry waffles and am watching “The Amazing Race” with my husband, instead of returning to my hole on the couch, I came over to the table to write.

Another little victory.

Every time I make a good decision like this one, I feel it gives me strength to make even more good decisions.

Maybe I’ll even try a quick yoga session before bed tonight.

Little choices. Little victories. Little moments.

Lifelong changes.

 

 

Seeking Health-Introduction

07 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in All Posts, Seeking Health Now

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

I have been trying to lose weight since I was 9 years old.

I wasn’t an obese child, but I wasn’t as thin as some of the other girls around me and so, whenever anyone wanted to be mean to me, my weight became the weapon of choice.

My sensitivity for my size didn’t come from my personal opinion about myself, but from the opinion and influence of external factors.

As many girls did, I grew up with a Mom who dieted and tried fad-diets in ongoing attempts to lose weight. Therefore, I became aware of the desire to be thinner at a very young age.

I think I did my first Slim-Fast diet when I was 12 years old which was the same time I joined an organization called “TOPS” (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) with my Mom.

I am not one of these people who has tried every fad diet and done crazy things in an attempt to lose weight. I know what’s good and what’s not. It’s not rocket science. Fruits, Veggies, whole grains, low fat meat, water, healthy fats=good.
Pop, sugar, chocolate, white bread, pizza, chips, cookies, etc=bad.

I did Atkins for almost a year once. I know, a diet shrouded in controversy, which I will address at some point. But, other than that, my battle has always been about just trying to find balance in eating healthy and exercising.

I’ve always been fairly active which is probably why my blood sugar, cholesterol, etc. have remained in healthy zones.

But, my weight has not.

When I was pregnant my weight sky-rocketed to 315 lbs. I couldn’t believe I had crossed over to the 300’s. I hated pregnancy. It was a miserable time for me. I was nauseated the entire 9 months and suffered atrocious pelvic girdle pain which basically felt like someone was slowly prying my pelvis apart. I honestly felt like every bone in my body was breaking. And so, despite on and off attempts to eat healthy, I basically ate what I felt I needed to eat to stay sane and survive. I was going through hell. I damn well was going to, at the very least, enjoy what I ate.

I was 295 lbs post-pregnancy. (This is after the pregnancy weight was lost—about 4 weeks after he was born). The first 4 months of his life were a nightmare . I was suffering from birth trauma as a result of an extreme emergency c-section, was alone with a newborn most of the time (we didn’t have family or friends around to support us), and it would turn-out I was also suffering from Hypothyroidism and Anemia. And so, I ate what I needed to eat to keep myself happy.

Aha. There it is.

I ate what I needed to eat to keep myself happy.

I am an emotional eater. Last night I downed an entire bag of BBQ Rice Crisps while my husband was playing Star Wars Battlefront. I laughed and said “I always stress- eat when you play.”

Recently when I wrote a post about discipline I had an idea to expand my blog and add a “Seeking Health” section where I could write candidly about my journey and struggles. I have a few friends who have been bravely posting on social media about their attempts to lose weight, etc. and I’ve always felt too embarrassed and too ashamed to be that honest about myself.

However, it’s been proven that sharing the information with people helps you gain success, so here it goes:

Current weight: 275 lbs
Height: 5”3 (I don’t expect this will change too much)
Goal Weight: 185 lbs
LBS to Lose: 90 lbs
Exercise Goal: 3x/week (for now)

Nutritional Goals (These will change depending on my progress, etc.):
1800 Calories/Day
1 Serving Vegetables 1xDay
1 Serving Fruit 1xDay
1 Serving Protein 1xDay
72 ounces Water/Daily
No Pop
1 Serving Chocolate/Day (at the most)

How I’m doing so far today:

1 Serving Vegetables 1xDay – YES (2-3, actually)
1 Serving Fruit 1xDay – YES
1 Serving Protein 1xDay –YES (2)
72 ounces Water/Daily – 48 so far
No Pop – NO
1 Serving Chocolate/Day (at the most) – So far, no chocolate J

Phew…it’s out there now.

Time to take a deep breath and get ‘er done.

*In the future, my health-related posts will be kept in the “Seeking Health” section of my blog that can be found under the “Seeking Life Now” title at the top of the page.