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Bubbling Up

29 Tuesday Mar 2016

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I feel like I am, slowly, making progress upwards.

That part of me that has a bit of drive, ambition and focus towards reaching my goal is gaining some momentum again.

I ate well today, am drinking tonnes of water, starting regular exercise again and feeling totally positive about it all.

One thing I am learning is that, while I have momentum, I have to maximize it. Part of my Fibromyalgia and Hypothyroidism is going through regular slumps. These slumps have taken me down every time. But, I have really been working on finding ways to prepare for them and how to get through them retaining as many good habits as I possibly can.

I want to talk about Fibromyalgia for a moment as the fact that I suffer from this was, once again, made painfully aware to me when I was on the bus today.

I sat down in a seat that has a bar attached to it and the pressure of the bar against my leg caused excruciating pain. It was as though my entire leg was deeply bruised and someone was poking me with a stick. In fact, it hurt so much that I decided to stand-up in the end.

Both Fibromyalgia and Hypothroidism are huge energy-drains. This can make it really difficult to be healthy. I often don’t feel like I have the energy to stand up, let alone prepare healthy meals or, what the freaking hell do you mean by exercise.

These illnesses are double-edged swords. The best things you can do to fend-off the negative symptoms are to eat well and exercise. But, you try to pull yourself up to do this when you feel like you are half-dead, zero energy, no drive, in pain from head to foot and your brain has turned to mush.

But, I’m determined to find my way around these illnesses and build structure into my life that will help me grind the edges of both sides of this sword so that, every time it rears its ugly head, it cuts me up a little less and I’m able to heal and bounce-back a little quicker.

I’m excited about tomorrow. I’m looking-forward to drinking more water, eating more vegetables and enjoying some movement.

I want to ride the momentum of this fizz that is bubbling up inside of me, make the most of it, continue to learn and grow, and get better than the last time.

One day, this feeling will last longer and the slumps will diminish.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Heather 2.0

29 Tuesday Mar 2016

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For many years, I wanted to be able to hit a reset button on my life and try to do it again the way it should have been done all along.

I have wanted to set myself up to be more successful than I’ve been with the first attempt. I have often felt like I made the wrong choice in “The Game of Life” and it has ruined the whole game for me. You know, when you choose to skip college and go straight into the workforce and then there is no way you can win the game.

But, the older I get the more I realize that, although my life choices up to this point have not helped me get a ‘leg up’ in life,  they also have made me the person I am today.

And, although I’m not perfect (not even close), the truth is, I think I do actually like myself. I like my sense of humor, my intelligence, how much I care for people and my ability to make people feel at ease.

And so, instead of starting over, I’m going to approach my current state as a sort of system upgrade. Heather 2.0

It’s easy to sit-back and say “well, I never went to university and I’ve missed my chance. Boo-hoo for me”. But, I’ve never been someone who likes “easy”.

I’ve always loved a good challenge.

It’s true that I never went to university. It’s true that I have a family now and a desire to be in bed by 10:30pm and so I will never have the “college experience”.

But, that doesn’t mean that I can’t pursue my dreams.

There have always been a great number of ares that interested me and all kinds of things I have wanted to do and to be in life.
But, none of these have ever been as persistent as being fit and being a writer.

Therefore, Heather 2.0 is all about pursuing these dreams.

I have spent the bulk of my life doing what I was told, what I thought people wanted from me, what I thought people needed and being a person who always put others before myself.

It is my time.

It is my time to do what I want to do. To do what makes me happy. To think about and put myself first some times.

And, truthfully, to stop being a whimp and start doing what needs to be done to be the person I want to be.

As with all system upgrades, however, there will be glitches as I go along and things will constantly need to be tweaked and adapted. But, the important thing is that I’m all in. I’m totally invested in myself in a way I never have been before.

Welcome to the world, Heather 2.0.

It’s gonna be great.

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When I’m Tired

27 Sunday Mar 2016

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When I’m tired I totally reach for the carbs. Salty, crunchy chips, chocolate and the sharp, cutting edge of a diet soda.

This is something I really want to work on. I actually plan ahead when I know a tiring time is coming. I make sure we have chips, chocolate and pop in the house. I want to find some alternatives to reaching for these ‘old friends’ for these times.

This past week I have had a bowl of cereal in the evening which, I know is still not great, but is a lot better than the alternative. BBQ Rice crisps are also good.

I did try to load my plate with more veggies during meal times recently and am especially happy because my family visited us this weekend and cooked the most amazing green beans I have ever had. I have no idea why I loved them so much, as I’ve never really enjoyed green beans before, and they didn’t do anything special to them. But, it has inspired me to buy and cook more of these. They really made me happy.

I am also determined to do a short workout before bed tonight.

Being healthy is tough when tired. And I’m tired most of the time. I am learning that I have to start preparing for these times. I mean, if I could think-ahead and prepare by gathering unhealthy stuff for the times when I know I’m going to be tired, I can do it with healthy things too, right?

And, on that note, time to log-off and go do something healthy before bed.

 

Being a Mom

22 Tuesday Mar 2016

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It has been said that being a parent is like watching your heart running-around outside of your body.

This has, absolutely, been my experience.

I have always been an emotional, caring, deep and sensitive person. But, being a mother has quadrupled these things and shone a light on them that burns me up like an ant in a magnifying glass.

Everything is so much more extreme now.

I have rage that even terrifies me sometimes. I can only imagine what my husband must be thinking when this beast comes out in place of his wife. He must think I’m a total Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And, believe me, he wants to hide, when that monster is on the loose.

There is something that was unleashed deep inside of me that is so primal and utterly overpowering the day my son was born. I swear that this juice would allow me to lift an airplane if I had to, or rip a mountain out of its socket. I often picture myself grabbing an intruders rifle in my bare hands and bending it in half as I protect my family. I feel fairly certain that there is nothing I couldn’t do if my child’s well-being depended on it.

The rage I feel towards his safety sometimes reminds me of a cartoon character. I become Yosemite Sam and the smoke starts bellowing from my ears, my face flushes red and my nose starts to screech loudly like a kettle ready to boil over.

But, it’s not just the rage that has intensified, it’s the love as well.

I have always considered myself someone who tends to love too much. And now I find that  I love my child so intensely that it physically hurts at times. Do you remember what it was like when you were a young, early, teen or preteen and you had those first crushes on people? Remember how it would make you feel physically ill and achy at times?

Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way about a peer, but I feel that way about my son every single moment of every single day. The poor kid. When I’m with him, I can’t stop kissing him. I’m a serial kisser. And, now that he’s growing a bit more independent, every time he says something like “I sit in my own chair”, my heart crumbles just a little bit.

I love him more with every day and I’m terrified that one day my heart will just give-out under the immensity of love it has been expected to manage.

I will never be the same person that I was before I became a Mom. This little life has totally transformed me. I could never be the same. He has unleashed so many things inside of me that are completely beyond my grasp.

I am a wild-eyed, steam-whistling, heart-pounding, serial-kissing, intense, dangerous and endless-lovin’, mama.

And I couldn’t be happier.

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In Such a Little Hand

21 Monday Mar 2016

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I sat down to write a couple posts, was listening to some good music, cuppa tea by my side and I got inspired. I pulled-out my guitar and wrote a little number. Here are the lyrics.

In Such a Little Hand

In such a little hand
There was so much love to find
The universe exposed
All brokenness made whole
In such a little hand

In such a little face
So much to explore
The day you formed the world
Beauty did restore
In such a little face

There were days we were soaring
There were days when we began to drown
Falling tears all felt more heavy
And laughter weightless as a cloud

Sunlight touched the skin more warmly
And the clouds were darker grey
The whole world opened up
In such a little hand.

In such a little foot
All the places it will go
To follow all your dreams
A million paths to take
In such a little foot

In such a little heart
A world where life is made
Where purest love exists
And no one is afraid
In such a little heart

I’ve finally found my place
In such a little hand

Mindful Eating Reflections

21 Monday Mar 2016

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Well, I’ve done 2 days with being much more active in my attempts to practice mindful eating and, I have to say, I definitely notice a change for the better.

Now, having said that, I did just eat half a bag of BBQ rice crisps while playing Star Wars Battlefront.

And, by the way, I’ve decided that Battlefront has become my #1 nemesis in this fight to become healthier.

—-break—-

Confession: I got distracted while writing this post and starting composing a song. So, it’s going to end a bit shorter than I had originally planned.

Here are a few moments I experienced while practicing mindful eating:

  1. While eating breakfast yesterday I realized that I was full, despite the fact I still had a piece of toast and an egg. I decided to just toss them out instead of forcing myself to eat them. I finished breakfast feeling wonderful. I felt like I had consumed what I needed and wasn’t thwarted by that horrible feeling you get when you know you ate too much.
  2. I had 3 pieces of reheated pizza for lunch (reheated in the oven is better than when it is fresh). I loved every bite I took. Once again, 3 pieces was exactly right. I didn’t feel like I needed anything else for the rest of the afternoon and I didn’t feel over-full.
  3. I had Chinese takeout later last night (9pm). This came as a result of a series of unfortunate events. And, needless to say, before it arrived I told my partner that we shouldn’t had ordered it and I should have just had toast. BUT, actually, once again, I found that I enjoyed every bite of it. I didn’t overdo it. When I caught myself stuffing french fries into my mouth thoughtlessly (yes, I order fries with our Chinese food…this place makes french fries that remind me of the chips in New Zealand), I stopped and asked myself if I was even tasting them? Was I enjoying every bite? Did I still want more? This made the whole experience so much better. I also didn’t feel guilty about eating it, because I had made an informed decision from a place of strength, not weakness. I did end-up with some major acid reflux after this, however.
  4. I had a piece of fudge when I first sat down to write tonight. We had a pot-luck at work today and someone made fudge and I wrapped a few pieces to take home with me. But, I only had one piece. This is a miracle. Seriously. I think the Pope, himself, would grant me sainthood for this fact.
  5. I am seriously eager to try this again tomorrow.

 

Life is Magical

19 Saturday Mar 2016

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I don’t know if it’s just me, but my mind is full of memories that seem to be filled to the brim with magic.

I’m not talking saw the girl in half or house of Gryffindor magic. But, I guess what I will call, movie magic.

These are moments and memories upon which I look back on and see them as if watching a beautiful film. Everything is perfect- the lighting, the mood, the script, the cinematography, the soundtrack- it’s all there.

My movie reel is beautiful. I love tapping into that part of my mind and just reliving these moments.

Most of them are bittersweet. Unrequited love, happier days long forgotten, a time when life was less complicated. But, it is so sweet to relive the moments and experience the thrill of the emotions that accompany each one.

I love reliving life in my mind. But, I am constantly questioning if I am living too much in the past. I have, until recently, spent a great deal of time simply wanting to go back.

The positive impact this life movie reel has had on me is that I have started to realize how beautiful, how magical, life really is.

I seek to be fully aware of each moment because, one day, these will be the magical times I think back on with nostalgia and wish I could relive.

I try to live the moment to its fullest the first time, so when I see it again years from now, I don’t feel sad that I hadn’t known how wonderful it was at the time.

I find myself yearning a little bit less for memories of the past and embracing the present moments, looking for every morsel of joy, love, wonder, imagination, beauty, emotion and magic that they have to offer.

This is life.

And, it’s not that bad.

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Mindful Eating

19 Saturday Mar 2016

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I’ve been thinking about mindful eating for the past 6 months. I need to do more research about it, but I found this article that gives a good, quick, overview about what it is: Mindful Eating

I was thinking about it again tonight when I chewed my way through half a family size bag of all dressed chips despite the fact that the inside of my mouth was raw and I really wasn’t even enjoying it anymore.

I have, in the past few months, been able to recognize that I was no longer needing or enjoying what I was eating, and been able to stop. But, it’s still the exception, not the norm.

I want to get much better at mindful eating. The times I have been successful in this practice I find I feel better, food tastes better, I enjoy everything more and I make better choices.

When I’m truly being mindful and honest about what I’m eating and how I’m feeling while I eat, I realize that all the junk I think I want, or deserve, to have isn’t actually, as enjoyable as I think it should be.

Apples, lettuce, plain baked potatoes and simple grilled chicken actually all taste great, make me feel great, and make me immensely happy.

So, why isn’t it easier for me to make better choices about what I eat?

I think the main reason has to do with my relationship to food.

Food is my friend, a comfort, a reward for a job well done, a solace for when I’ve failed. And the list goes on.

But, when I’m finding myself at the bottom of a bag of chips, and I tune into how I’m truly feeling, I realize that food is none of those things.

Food can taste good, to be sure, and can certainly have both positive and negative effects, but it was never meant to be a person with whom I’m in a relationship.

Mindfulness has been teaching me how this needs to change.

I’m going to try and be extra mindful about what I’m eating tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Sexual Abuse and Being Fat

17 Thursday Mar 2016

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At risk of contradicting myself (see previous post entitled “Shame, Shame-Double Shame”), I want to take a moment to talk about the effects of sexual assault in regards to shame.

Another reason I feel more comfortable “covered” is because I was sexually molested twice as a child.

I start to feel uneasy when I think that too much of my body is exposed. I don’t being uncovered. I don’t like giving guys a reason to look at my body.

Because two grown men looked at my body when I was a child, liked what they saw and decided that it was something to take for themselves.

And so, staying fat is also a way to protect myself.

The second I think a man might be noticing me for my looks, I start to feel uneasy, my body temperature rises, I get queasy and my mind starts to spin out of control. It’s a panic attack.

Feeling shame, or ashamed, results in a wanting to cover oneself. Many women who have suffered sexual abuse are overweight or obese and find it very difficult to lose weight. Being bigger and unattractive can make us feel safe. No one will want to do that to us again. No one will want this. If I give it up, who knows what they will do to me again.

Even now that I am happily married, have a son, a family that loves and supports me, I am scared all the time that if I look too good, something bad is going to happen to me.

For those of us who carry around this shame in our bodies, the battle we face is an exhausting, uphill and constant struggle.

If someone thinks we look good, it’s difficult to separate that compliment from the feelings that ‘looking good’ to someone is shameful because shameful things are done to you when you look good to people.

We feel as though our own bodies have betrayed us. Our bodies have caused horrible things to happen to us. It’s because of how our bodies looked that people touched us inappropriately and did things that robbed us of our innocence. We feel ashamed.

And so, we hide.

We hide behind hoodies and jogging pants. Behind pigtails and messy hair. We hide behind humour and bubbly personalities. And, we hide behind fat.

We have to learn that it was not our fault. It was not our body’s fault. Our breasts aren’t to blame. Our skin is not in the wrong. Our thighs are not the problem. Even our most intimate of places have done no wrong to us.

Your body did not betray you. Your body did not fail you, or allow this to happen. It was not in agreement with any of it. Your flesh did not betray you.

For us this journey is about learning to feel safe in our own skin. We have to learn to make our bodies our allies, not our enemies. We have to learn to trust our flesh. We have to learn to forgive ourselves for hating ourselves so much.

I am trying to become friends with my body again.

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Shame, Shame-Double Shame

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

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When you’re fat, overweight, obese, plump, “big-boned”, curvy or whatever it is you like to call yourself when you are much heavier than you should be, shame is a constant companion.

According to the Wikipedia article on shame, “The roots of the word shame are thought to derive from an older word meaning “to cover”; as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a natural expression of shame.”

And so, you will find those of us who are “plus size” draped in outfits that closely resemble bed sheets and garbage bags. We know that what we have isn’t considered beautiful, but that’s not really where the shame originates.

The shame is not created by knowing that people think we’re unattractive, it’s from people judging us every time we have a cookie or a cheeseburger, or assume we spend all our time slumped on the couch with a bag of cheesies in one hand and a tub of ice cream in the other.

I sit down on the streetcar and feel people are thinking ‘that fat and lazy slob should stand up. It might help her, actually, lose some weight. No wonder she’s fat.’

I get a donut with my steeped tea and feel people behind me, checking-out my back fat and can hear their thoughts out loud, ‘oh, honey. Put it down and walk away. That’s why you are so fat’.

Even though my grocery cart is always full of fruits and veggies, when I get to the checkout, I feel like everyone around me is thinking: ‘good for you, girl. I hope you can keep on this diet. Good luck’.

And, based on the nasty comments I’ve heard (and made) over the years (yes, fat people judge other fat people), I know that I am being judged.

And, so, I cloak myself to hide my shame.

I hide behind a bubbly attitude, bright sense of humour and quick-wit. Fat people have learned to protect ourselves by finding ways to disarm people before they attack. We make fun of ourselves first, so that the judgement and jokes of about our size won’t hurt as much.

But, it actually doesn’t really work. We feel hurt all the time.

And, it doesn’t matter how many times we’ve been judged, teased, had jokes made at our expense ‘in good fun’, or been fat-shamed, when it happens again it strikes at the very core of our being.

And so, I am desperately trying to turn the tides of shame. And, I’m starting with truly learning how to love myself.

It may sound silly to you, but I’ve started wearing a bit of makeup most days to work, I have bought a few dresses that are so far out of my usual “comfort” clothes in which I can hide myself away.

And, surprisingly, this has made a huge difference. Every time I apply the mascara, or slip the bright red dress on over my head, I feel this little idea growing inside of me-‘you are worth it’.

I am removing the layers I have been hiding under for years. I am allowing myself the freedom to be seen. To be beautiful. To feel good about myself.

As my feelings of worth increase, I begin to process decisions, not from a place of shame or judgement, but by deciding what’s best for me. Because I deserve the best.

I still have a long way to go. But, slowly, I am removing my cloak of shame and learning how to truly love myself.

When deciding whether, or not, I want to buy a bag of chips, the voice in my head has always said things like: ‘go ahead, fatty. You’re never going to be thin so you may as well enjoy yourself.’ ‘Have the chips, fatty. Nobody cares about you or how you feel. You may as well have some comfort in knowing that.’ ‘You deserve those chips. You deserve how they will make you feel more fat and helpless’.

When I’m trying to make choices about food these days my new mantra is: ‘You deserve the best. Is this the best?’

You deserve the best.

You deserve the best.

Believe me. It’s true.

You deserve the best.

You.

You deserve the best.

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