Tag Archives: Food

251.5 Celebrating a HUGE Victory

16 Friday Sep 2016

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After a particularly exhausting therapy session (for non-recovery PTSD), I left the Psychologist’s office feeling torn-apart, raw, vulnerable and extremely exhausted.

‘I just want to eat my feelings away’ I thought to myself as visions of French fries and deep fried wontons from my favourite Chinese delivery place danced in my head.

I pictured all the yumminess that I could stuff in my face to avoid how I was feeling and dull the pain. I could feel myself start to salivate. The crunch of the wontons mixed with that tangy sweetness of sweet & sour sauce. The hot, salty warmth of a perfectly fried potato…

Then, from somewhere inside of me, this other voice spoke-up and said ‘We need to stop doing that. We need to stop ‘eating our feelings’.”

And then the most incredible thing happened. I listened.

This is the first time I can recall, since I’ve been aware of those thoughts and my food addiction (using food to dull negative thoughts/feelings) that I had been able to say ‘no’ to the pull to make myself feel better with food.

This is monumental. It is HUGE.

It is what I’ve been working-towards, and writing about over and over again, but it’s the first time I have had such a clear, obvious, perfect, undeniable victory.

In the past, I would justify ordering- ‘I’ll just have the fries and a few wontons…’ ‘I deserve this, I’m working through a lot, it’s the least I can do for myself..’ ‘People eat this stuff all the time, why can’t I?’

Why can’t I?

Because, unlike most people, I’m not just eating it because it tastes good, I am eating it to dull something that is going on in my life. I’m eating it to escape. Food is to me as alcohol is to an alcoholic, or drugs are to an addict. I use food to escape. I use food to feel better. I use food to dull the pain/thoughts/fear, etc.

And so, on this day I made a conscious decision NOT to use food that way. I went home and ate a normal dinner with my family. Since then, I have had other victories, making the choice to not eat something because I was aware I only wanted to eat it so I would feel better.

I ask myself ‘Why do I want that?’ and if the answer sounds like ‘to feel better’ than it’s a red-light (a no-go). However, if the answer is: ‘because I really would like a piece of chocolate right now’, than it’s a green-light because there is no emotion involved.

Having a food addiction is different to other addictions. We don’t HAVE to drink alcohol to survive. We don’t HAVE to consume narcotics, etc. to survive. But, we do HAVE to eat to survive. We need food. Therefore, as an addiction, it’s not something that one can avoid. I have to eat.

That’s why I’ve been working-on teaching myself to be more mindful of ‘why’ I want to eat. Do I want to eat that because I’m hungry, or because it will taste good? Or, do I want to eat that to make myself feel better, dull the senses, escape, etc?
I’m feeling pretty stoked about that massive victory and excited at the idea that I might, actually, be able to start getting some power over all of this. Feeling that I have the strength within me to conquer these things is really inspiring and I hope to just keep pushing-forward and becoming more reliant on myself and less reliant on food when things are tough.

266.7 Gaining Control

21 Thursday Apr 2016

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1.7 lbs away from this month’s weight goal. Though, admittedly, the # goal is not as important to me as the emotional/mental goals I am working on. And, I’m pleased to say, that I’ve made some headway in these areas as well.

For years I have wished that I could, automatically, lose 1 lbs every time I made a good decision. Choose salad instead of french fries = 1 lbs lost instantly. Pass on the birthday cake at work = – 1lbs instantly. And so forth.

Well, I kind of feel, like I just had one of those moments. I went to a Tim Horton’s yesterday to pick-up donuts and muffins for a meeting I was attending and I ordered myself a tea and soup for lunch. I didn’t get a donut, I didn’t even get a Diet Pepsi.

Later in the day when i was at this meeting and the donuts were coming-out for folks to enjoy, I didn’t have one.

Fast forward to the evening and my husband mentions he is going to the corner store and asks if I want anything. I request some Coke Zero. But, I didn’t have it last night. He bought himself some chips and I didn’t feel jealous or reach for popcorn, toast or rice chips so that I would have a treat as well.

And, do you want to know why I didn’t have any of that stuff? Because, when I stopped and asked myself if I really wanted it, was I really hungry, did I really want pop this late in the evening? The answer was “no” every time.

I didn’t skip these things because “I’m on a diet”. I gave them a pass because I have been working on mindfulness and on separating reality from “treat mentality” and I realized in each situation that I was very content without the donut/pop/chips, etc.

There was no torture involved, no feelings of loss, no major struggle to say “no”, no feelings of ‘I really want that, but I can’t because I’m on a diet’.

Just plain, ‘ol, I don’t want it and that settles it.

I wonder if this is how people who don’t have the emotional attachments to food function on a regular day to day basis? If so, does this mean that I am making good progress in my mental/emotional goals this week, just as I am in my # goal?

I think so.

 

269.7 Give me Sugar and No one gets hurt

20 Wednesday Apr 2016

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I was thinking this morning about weekends. Weekends are tough. For years I have been conditioned to think that weekends are the time to have the things I won’t “allow” myself to have during the week. Weekends are for treats and enjoyment. They always feel like the time to ‘let my hair down’ and “enjoy life”.

There exists in this a false idea that I’m not “enjoying life” the other 5 days/week.

And, as I thought about how to “fix” my weekends so that they didn’t become a huge splurge-fest, I realized that the best place to start is to address this mentality. Because, I love what I eat during the week as well.

I’m not “starving myself” during the week, or forcing myself to eat foods I don’t enjoy to lose weight. First of all, I don’t have enough discipline and secondly, I like pleasure too much. Quality of life is important to me. I don’t want to suffer endlessly just to be thin. That is no way to live life.

But, I enjoy my homemade green smoothies, my salads and veggies, my eggs and toast, and water and coffee. I’m not missing out on anything. I’m eating things I enjoy.

So, why do I still have this mentality tucked-away in the recesses of my brain that tells me that I deserve to splash-out on weekends because I’ve “done so well” or “sacrificed so much” during the week?

I guess it’s that old dieters mentality. When you’ve tried to lose weight for almost your entire life, you develop a certain way of thinking. Things become classified as “good” and “bad”, there are “diet foods” and “treats” or “reward foods”.

When foods are classified in our brains as “good” there is always a sub-heading. It actually reads like this: Good – But, really bad (as in disgusting, not enjoyable, lesser-than). And, the vice versa is also true: Bad – But, really good (as in tastes so incredible, the stuff you really would rather be eating).

These headings get cemented in our brains with memories as well. For example: At birthday parties we don’t bring-out a huge veggie or fruit platter and celebrate. We do it with cake and ice cream.

As a child, whenever I went to the Dentist or Doctor, of if I had a particularly bad, or good, day at school, I was given McDonald’s or a DQ Blizzard as a special treat.

Chips, chocolate, cookies, cakes, pop, candy…these were the things you were given on special occasions. They were given to celebrate, to console, to comfort and to reward. Using these treats as a reward trains our brains to classify them as ‘better’ and the foods ‘to be desired’ and all the regular food as ‘not as good’ or ‘less special’.

There are also chemical reactions certain foods have in our brains and the release of dopamine is comparable to that of drinking alcohol or consuming other. For a bit more information you can check out these sites:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200301/real-sugar-high

http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/your-brain-on-sugar?page=1

https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/06/17/everything-you-need-to-know-about-sugar/

But, I have found, lately, as I have been trying to be more mindful when I am eating, that these “treats” are not really as enjoyable as they promise to be. There may be a a brief dopamine hit, but it fades and I realize that the actual food is not that enjoyable any more. However, because they are so wrapped-up in memories of rewards, a history of emotions, and the happy dopamine buzz, I want to keep eating them because I know, from memory, that they brought happiness and I’m expecting them to do it again.

I treated myself to a Boston Cream donut on the weekend and, it was ok. But really, my thoughts of it were ‘meh’-I didn’t really need that. BUT, when I had a few bites of my son’s grilled chicken wrap…YUM. That was something I truly enjoyed and I had wished I had skipped the donut and treated myself to one of those instead.

I have learned a lot watching my son, actually. We never fed him sweets or offered sugar cookies, drinks, etc. to him until recently. And, we found that he doesn’t like them. I suspect that this is because he has, since he was 4 months old, enjoyed natural foods and when we offer him the confectionery it just doesn’t taste as good. I’d like to raise him without the treat mentality. I want him to continue to be overjoyed when he sees we purchased a watermelon or cantaloupe and have zero feelings when he sees a packet of brownies. But, I have to get it right in myself first.

Therefore, on top of working on mindful eating, I am also going to be working on retraining my brain. I want to break this “treat mentality” and learn to have a healthier attitude to all foods.