I think about what it is to have a midlife crisis frequently. I wonder if I am having one, if I have already had one, if I am going to have one, or if it is just a made-up thing that no one really experiences.

That last part seems stupid. It is obviously a legitimate thing, or else it wouldn’t be so widely understood and discussed.

What does it mean exactly? What does a midlife crisis look like?

I am guessing that it is unique to every person who experiences it; yet the stereotypes of divorce, motorcycles, and leather jackets must get their popularity from anecdotal evidence.

I have lived a very long and varied existence, having experienced more in my 40+ years than many do in an entire lifetime. Having said that, I have never been one to be afraid of my age, having to “lie” at birthdays because I felt that I needed to portray myself as younger than I was. I love my age. I love ageing, it means that I have survived another year on this tumultuous planet. I did it.

However, I have been struggling lately with this sense that everything is becoming too much. My 44 years have exhausted me and I wonder if I will be able to find the energy I need for another 44.

Moreover, I find myself experiencing the emotional turmoil discussed in this healthline article

https://www.healthline.com/health/midlife-crisis#takeaway

Declining happiness, aimlessness, self-doubt, frustration with changing life roles and responsibilities, a sense boredom with life in general, changes in energy levels that leave me feeling fatigued most of the time, less motivation or enjoyment in interests and activities I used to enjoy, plenty of mood changes (anger, irritability, sadness, anxiety) (Raypole).

I find it a grueling task to try and do self-care having a visceral response when I sit down and try to “be grateful,” or reflect, or meditate, or anything else really.

I want to strip away the pressures that surround my joy (writing). I want to just write and not be too concerned about making it perfect or what others might think. With everything that I am experiencing in life at the moment, from what I have mentioned above, to the day-to-day struggles that my family and I are battling, I need an easy and safe place within which to retreat.

Maybe if I had more money a motorbike might be my midlife crisis go-to as well. In lieu of the smell of exhaust and leather, I will write. Balls to the wall, caution to the window, honest to goodness, right from the gut, shoot from the hip, kind of writing. Let’s hope I don’t live to regret it!